My DH is the issue!!!!
I have had some issues with my SD25, but it has recently come to my attention that almost every time we have gotten into an argument, my husband started it. He will tell me one thing, then tell her something else. It is infuriating. She is really a good person, and she has been nice to me, but she will do things that she knows really annoys me: leaving her clothes and other things laying around the house, for example.
She recently moved home, and even before it was an idea, my DH and I talked about "What if she moved home" many times. I made it very clear, that I did not want any more pets (she has a dog, a cat, and 2 birds). My DH totally agreed with me and said absolutely not, no animals. Our carpets are already ruined, and her cat peed in a basket of my clothes before she moved out the last time (this was her 3rd time moving out and coming back). I spent a week cleaning out her room, since we turned it into an office. It was empty, and spotless.
The day before she was to move back in, my husband came home from work, with a bottle of wine, and said I would need it after he told me some bad news. She was bringing the dog and cat (she found a home for the birds), because she couldn't find anyone to take them.
Of course I was upset, we got into a big fight. All my DH can say is "I don't see what the big deal is. I don't understand why you can't just compromise this once.". I really want to hurt him when he says this, because I believe I am compromising by letting her move back in, again, at 25!
He does not do this with my SS23, or my BS16. He always stands behind what he says. It is only SD. He does whatever she wants, even if it messes with everyone else in the house.
He is ruining the relationship I should have with my SD by putting her before me, never saying no to her face, and spending entirely too much time worrying about her.
She is grown. I did tell him that if she came back, she would be last on the priorities. First would come my BS, still in high school. Then my SS, still in college. Finally her. He, of course, agreed to my face. But that changed as soon as she showed up. She freaking lives here, and he still calls her every day on his way home from work!
I am wasting my breathe trying to convince him that he is wrong. Thanks for letting me vent, it was much needed.
Very unhealthy relationship
Very unhealthy relationship going on with your DH and SD. I think you need to put a limit on how long she can stay. It will never work long term.
agree with 20yearsasastep-mom
agree with 20yearsasastep-mom here.
I can't put a limit on
I can't put a limit on anything. She is staying here as long as she wants. DH will not budge when it comes to her.
If DH won't budge when it
If DH won't budge when it comes to her, then you budge. You get out of your comfort zone and you tell her no way in hell are you having her pets and she will need to put them in a kennel.
You are 100% right when you say your DH is the problem, but YOU are part of it too. You and DH agreed on these arrangements DH unilaterally changed them and you go along with that. While you keep buckling under the pressure he will keep right on pressuring you and nothing will change.
I know, I've been there done that. The only way out of this constant circle of stupidity is for you to stand up for yourself and tell DH if he doesn't tell her to kennel those pets, you will because they are NOT coming into your home. Tell him the compromise you made was having her back in the home for the third time, and now she needs to compromise. Better still tell her, God only knows what your DH has said to her but whatever it is, it is causing problems between you and her, and DH is getting away with it. This went on for 8 years with my DH till I finally banned SD from my home. Now she has NPD and that was never going to change, but while she sure played a role in the drama, my DH is the one who failed to do anything about it. I told him if he didn't tell her she wasn't welcome here I would, and he said YOU tell her............strange. However, I did and I must say life is wonderful without her in it. However it came to the point here were I didn't care if DH went with her. So I guess you too will have to get to that point, although I hope it doesn't. Your husband could fix it up so easily.
When you get sick of it enough you will do it. In the meantime, nothing is going to change because DH and SD are getting everything they want, so why should they change things.
My husband and I agreed from
My husband and I agreed from the beginning that nobody lives with us. I made sure that carried over to his daughters once they became adults. I lucked out when they were minors and they have never lived here.
SD21 is married and has two kids but recently asked my husband if they could stay here. I didn't even try to pretend to think about it, just blurted out, "Absolutely not!". I think he was a little taken aback but I don't care. I would lose it if they lived here. He later agreed it would not be a good situation. Of course, his first inclination is to help his daughter, but she is an adult and married and it just would not work out for anybody involved.
I am also lucky in that my husband does not and never has had that weird daughter/wife relationship with his daughters. Creepy.
heriam, how lucky are you. A
heriam, how lucky are you. A husband who is not IN love with his daughter. Wanna swap
It is creepy. I was quite disgusted by my husbands behaviour towards his daughter. It truly is an incestious relationship for so many of these men, emotional incest perhaps, but just as sick as a physical incestious relationship. The down the back yard near the shed phone calls,used to send me into a frenzy. He is so lucky Australia has tough gun laws, can't imagine what would have happened if I happened to be out in the yard shooting cans when he tried that phone call crap. Glad for you your husband is supportive, and well, I admit it, green with envy too. 
I had to push my BS20 out of
I had to push my BS20 out of the home because he just would not get his act together and move on. It was tough on me BUT I did not want to keep on arguing with DH about his mess, etc. I come from a home that when you are an adult, you work. He is doing great right now but I admit, I had to budge him from the nest.
My point is; if you respect the marriage, you place the feelings of your spouse first. It seems to be a helluva lot tougher for guilty dads to do such though from my long-term experience here as a BM/SM.
You are going to have to stand your ground if you want this to last without resentment.
My husband was always the
My husband was always the cause of trouble between myself and chis daughter. Same thing. He'd tell her something, then she would do it, I crack it, he get mad we'd fight. Found out years later from her boyfriend that she did these things beause DH said she could. He told his 32 year old son a few years ago he could move in here when his mother died. Now, seriously the man was 32 he and his sister had a mortgage free house to live in, there was no issue as to WHERE they could live. So DH comes home and tella me he told him he could move in here. When I said NO WAY he has a home to live in, why does heneed to come here, DH says well he cant look after himself, he doesn't know how to cook or was or iron his clothes, he can't manage money very well so he needs some help. NOW, DH cannot wash or iron or cook and I manage all the money din this house, and when I said if you think I am going to do all of that for you AMD your son when your son doesn't even speak to me you've got another think coming. Does DH bring the son over for a discusssion on what MY expectation would be and that the short term goal would be to get this grown man to manage his own finances and look after himself. No, he just did not discuss it, the assumpton by all his kids, I would no allow him to move im here and it wason. You'd think DH would tell them, now hang on a minute you cannot expect my wife to take care of you, you are an adult, she will help you learn how to live on your own, but she's not going to make your bed, do all your washing and iron your clothes while you do nothing around the house. No, he just lets them think I would not help his son. But the worse thing of all, DH actually just said to his son YOU CAN move in here, not look it should be okay I'll talk to my wife, or shut his mouth till he had spoken to me, no he just tells him it's okay all the while knowing that I was going to be saddled with a grown man living in my house who was incapable of opening a tin of beans. This son went and moved in with his sister and her boyfriend and is still living there now, her boyfriend is managing the finances for all of them now.