Dad can rent a bachelor apartment - you know the two room apartment one of them being the bathroom. Or Motel 6 actually called "Suite 6" in this case rents just such rooms in many cities now and it includes the basic cooking stuff, refrigerator and microwave. Other more expensive similar facilities are also available.

Tell Dad the option is for him to permanently rent his own place and the two of you will date. But listen - you didn't mention children of your own. Why put yourself in this situation? There must be a million childless guys out there. Surely thousands of them can match this guy and carry no baggage.

I understand when two adults, both with children, decide to pair up but why are you putting up with this? Girl its only going to get worse as the boy ages. Best to cut your losses and right after the kid leaves is as good a time as any to make the announcement.

I did the same as you, kept out the way a lot. The SKids lived with us though, full time. I tried correcting them and asking them not to do, or to do, stuff in a respectful way and they looked at me like I was from a different planet! Little feckers. DH was Disney/guilty daddy and so pleased to have them that he did not want to chastise them in any way. I was screwed! Then, right after a 'you're not my mom' screech from them I gave it to them, ALL! I quit doing school runs, waking them up, all the nice things moms do and DH really had to carry the can from then on and he pretty quickly saw what I saw.
Funny story after I disengaged.
I'm in bed, actually I am recovering from a TIA (not so funny but I am OK) right after blowing a fuse I guess? Anyhow, I did not wake any of them up and they all overslept, DH too. He tells the SKids (twins, boy and girl, aged 12) get ready now and I'll ride you to school or walk. It's only about a ten minute walk. I know I'd have been ready in two seconds flat if I were a kid! They did not move, I went back to sleep. I wake up and look at the clock, it's 10:00 AM and I hear their voices downstairs. They'd made coffee, were doing hair and watching MTV. They must have heard me upstairs in the bathroom, then I hear them talking about not walking to school. They actually called someone from the school to come and give them a ride! I know, the audacity is astounding. The guy says 'sure, just let me finish what I'm doing first'. They figure he's a no show, then they start to panic a bit. SD comes upstairs and asks me to ride them to school, I tell her she should have followed her daddy's instructions. She's livid and storms down the stairs to call 911 because it's my job to make sure she's in school after all! SS pleads with her not to but she's adamant. The cops arrive, she gives them the sob story, I come downstairs, literally down on one side of my mouth, and tell the cops what is going on and one of them goes out to his car to 'get something' and I see his shoulders shaking with laughter. He gets a clipboard out of his car and composes himself and comes back in. He says he can clearly see what's going on here and commands SD to call her propation officer and tell her what she just did, hands each of them a pink slip of paper that says they are arrested for truancy but not taken into custody and I am sure he would share this story back at the precinct!

Score 3 for stepmom! I bet they will think long and hard before they screw with you again like that! LOL!

I stopped engaging as a "mom" person here too, if SS8 doesn't bathe or brush his teeth, etc. it is his dad's fault, not mine. I'm not responsible for entertaining or wiping his face at meals, etc. It is annoying, but not my kid, I tell myself over and over.

I feel the EXACT same way. My SD14 drives me totally insane just BEING at my home. I found that I'd make excuses to work late on days I knew she'd be there or go visit friends or simply walk around the mall or park. I was getting home later and later and DH noticed and said something to the effect of "I see what you're doing here and I hate that you're uncomfortable in your own home." So, I asked him to take her out instead of bringing her here during those times they have their daddy-daughter days. She doesn't like being at our place, I don't like her being there and DH is just tied up in the middle.

So, as a compromise, we decided he'd take her out on Tuesday nights for dinner (pick her up at her mom's after work, take her to dinner and then to the mall or park or for a drive) then he'd come home. On weekends when she's supposed to spend the night, I hang out with buddies on Friday night, then on Saturday they go off and do their thing all day so I have peace. Saturday night is mine and DH's "date night" so we go out alone without SD and then he takes her home Sunday morning.

I STILL wasn't comfortable with that arrangement, but after I totally disengaged, things were a lot easier. Hell, it's MY house. She can leave the room, not me!

Anyhow, things have been excellent since she decided the grass was so much greener at mom's and hasn't even called DH in a month. Her birthday is tomorrow. I'm SHOCKED that he hasn't gotten so much as a text...she's greedy and just wants gifts. He plans on dropping a birthday card over tomorrow, but that's it.

Good luck. Mine is only 14, so I know we still have a long road ahead...

I had started to disengage before I knew the word for it. Now thinking back, I wasn't disengaging so much as plain old avoiding SD. I never really tried to do "mom" things for her, other than include her in our regular plans and meals. So I didn't have that to quit doing. I did used to play with her and do crafts with her, so that did change.

A combination of things are what eventually caused me to stay away when she with us every weekend. First, I mistakenly thought that I could grow to love her even though I already knew she had an unpleasant personality (had known her for years before SO and I got together). Second, SO turned out to be a horrible Guilty Daddy. Third, BM began her PAS campaign. Fourth, SD can just be gross and mean, lie, and whines constantly. It was a perfect storm.

I began to plan my weekends to be away from home as much as possible. This was MY home before SO came along. SO and I work M-F, so weekends are our only time to do things. My kids weren't really liking to be dragged away from home either, even though they hated being around SD as well.

I got so resentful it isn't funny. Here I am, working for the weekends, only to be driven out of my own home and not spend any quality time with SO. About the time he told me it was no wonder SD treated me so badly since I was never around and she couldn't get to know me (remember, she has known me for YEARS), I got PISSED.

Finally, I realized that for myself personally, I had to re-engage...but in a different way. There had to be ground rules for SD and SO. I'm not going to lie...things were really crappy for a long time. I did even break up with SO once. It was a long road from "you just hate my kid" to where we are now, which is mostly tolerable.

While I was disengaged, or avoiding, SO was free to be carefree Guilty Daddy. As long as he was Guilty Daddy and catering to SD's every whim, they were both happy. At first. After awhile, her demanding and manipulating even wore on SO's nerves. Once I was back around, with a "normal" context to measure SD by, SO started to see how SD really is. I don't engage with SD unless something dangerous is going on or she is really hurting the feelings of someone else (she delights in poking fun at people and getting the other kids in trouble). But I do, privately and out of SD's earshot, call SO out on things he lets SD do. Slowly, SO has realized how bad SD is. I don't have to say much any more. He's the one that sometimes calls her Devil Spawn or complains about her. I recently blogged about how much he is coming down on her, more than even I would like to see. However, just KNOWING that he feels this way about her...to have him ACKNOWLEDGE and validate what I have been seeing all along...has been HUGE. Of course, he hasn't yet started to proactively parent her...but again, this acknowledgement is a weight off my shoulders.

Long story short, give SS enough rope to hang himself. Not literally, mind you.

Disengaging has been a sanity saver for many step-parents. For me personally, it just made me feel more resentful, not to mention lonely. I am now usually present, but still disengaged, if that makes sense. I stay out of whether her teeth are brushed, what she eats, how much TV she watches, etc. If she turns out to be a rotton-toothed criminal (kinda like BM, I guess), then no sweat off my back. It is hard for me to go out in public with her, though, because for some reason I do care that people might think that *I* am her parent, so sometimes I excuse myself and somtimes I just hope that our opposite physical features and her calling me by my first name might make it apparent that I'm not responsible for her. I do privately ask SO to do someting about it when she lies or does something I really cannot tolerate. I do have to leave the room when she eats. I do sometimes close myself in our bedroom. SO and I do sometimes have "date night" on weekends, although we're lucky that SS and my DD are old enough to babysit...SO finally put a stop to SD having a tantrum about it and preventing us from going out.

I'm still not exactly happy with our situation. I've gotten to where I can tolerate it, though. I've even gotten to where I'm cautiously optomistic, but that's probably only because SO is all disgusted with SD at the moment.

And, it seems like I say this all the time...but read Stepmonster. It will help identify and name behaviors so that you can have reasonable discussions with DH, not just fall into the "you hate my kid" trap.

I know the feeling. My s/kids are so freaking horrible to be around, and cause so much drama and stress, that I will literally spent the majority of my day in my room just to stay away from them. Now, I'm quite the introvert, so being alone in my room doesn't bother me a bit. But I dread the minute I have to leave my room for anything, just because I know I'll probably come in contact with one of the monsters. I will go without breakfast or lunch just to avoid them when they're in there making their own. (Also, the stress strips me of my appetite so I wouldn't be eating much anyways.)

I am so freaking tired of playing 'mom' all day to them. They are 13, 11 and almost 9.. old enough to not have to be told ten times to do something, or how to do it right. They don't do anything until they're told. They take NO initiative to do anything other than what they're told to do. For instance, SD11 comes in my room the other day and says "Be careful when you walk through the living room and dining room and kitchen.. there's dirt from Dad's work boots all over the place." And walks away! While I appreciated the warning, I went in and saw all three of them just tramping right through all the dirt and spreading it everywhere. I had to actually say TWICE "Instead of coming and informing me of the dirt, it would just make a lot more sense to simply take the initiative and sweep it up." The first time elicited a blank stare from SD11... a common thing. I had to say it again before she went for the broom. Duh!

I find that I want to give up with the whole nagging mom thing and let DH handle it. Sometimes I do, because I spend all damn day doing it while he gets to be at work. But when I don't say something, then inevitably something appalling happens and I absolutely have to open my mouth. It's sort of a no-win situation.