I'm sick & tired of BM & DH (especially)!!!
I've been married almost a year to DH that has 2 kids from ex-wife. They split-up over 3 years ago. I'm constantly having to tell DH whats appropriate relationship with BM. 90% of our fights are over his relationship with BM & today he tells me 1/2 the time he's off from work he'd rather be at work due to the fights. We nearly split up about 2 months ago but for most part things have been good since except for last couple weeks.
Today Dh/I were at the store when BM texted him call me asap...nobodies hurt & its not an emergency (kids are at school. So as I'm talking to him he dials her number & doesn't even answer the question I had asked him. Made me so angry!! He could have at least acknowledged I was talking to him & not ignore me just bc BM wants to talk. As I told him today his relationship with BM will never change & he says he feels the same way that my reactions to there relationship will never change.
Last week BM texted DH at 9:30 at night bc she broke up with her BF. Of course he texts her back like he's her puppy or something. he finally told her no texts that late unless about kids after I told him he needed to.
Early when we were dating picking up the kids would take 3 hours at times & his reasoning was bc she wanted to talk...not just about the kids but anything else too. Why would anyone have to tell a divorced man that he should not be hanging out with his ex-wife. He just doesn't get it!! He's let her go thru dressers in our kids rooms bc he saw no problem with it. Early when we were dating they had a plan they would take the kids to Disneyland (coincidentally where they had there honeymoon) but BM said me & my son could go too!! Yippee!! Ummm no!!! I've tried telling Dh she's not his family anymore, he doesn't have to jump when she says to. She's treated him like crap, lying & calling him a deadbeat father but when she texts he answers & apologizes when he doesn't get right to her!! WTF!! I don't even get that courtesy!!
Things have gotten better over the last year but should I have to tell my spineless DH to stand up for himself, for me especially against his ex wife?!?!
Well, your fights over BM
Well, your fights over BM will either lead to the end of your marriage, or you will find a way to compromise.
I can't stand my loser XH. But my DH has no issue if I go over and talk to him for an hour or so. He's secure in OUR relationship, so my relationship (shudder) with XH doesn't matter to him.
Instead of beating your DH up all the time over his XW, take a good look at WHY it bothers you so much.
Good for you. But I'm sure
Good for you.
But I'm sure you have more backbone than half of our DHs, and you are able to keep your boundaries with your loser-EX. I'm sure you have managed to reassure your own DH to help him be secure in your relationship. And your loser-EX might be a loser, but is he a manipulative son-of-a-bitch?
You're absolutely correct in
You're absolutely correct in the fact that I/we need to learn better communication skills. He says I drag conversations on too long about our issues & he's probably right but I feel he doesn't ever get my point. I feel if I keep talking to him he eventually see my point or he just finally agrees to shut me up basically. To me I don't feel I should have to tell him not to talk to his ex that late at night. I feel that should be common sense & common courtesy towards me. I generally don't scream at him, although I admit I have in the past but I try my best to be respectful towards him but how can I make him be respectful towards me without the long drawn out arguments.
I had this same issue with my
I had this same issue with my DH when we were dating. He had been divorced from BM for a couple of years, and had not dated anyone else seriously before me. He and BM had what I still believe was an odd relationship. They had continued to be intimate after their divorce. (they had been married for 10 years). DH told me this at the time and I though it was super weird, but I guess after talking to a few people it's not "that" unusual. They still spent weekends together sometimes, with SD3 in toe. They did birthday's together, went to his parents house together, and he did her taxes and fixed her computers and cars. After we met he scaled it back quite a bit, but only because I had lots of calm but firm conversations about it.
Even recently he said that BM wanted to have a "joint" birthday party for SD. He thought this was fine, and I said he could go if he wanted to, but I felt a little odd going myself. I also reminded him that we were a family, and we would surely be having a cake and presents for SD at home anyway. He came back with the old "Well BM thought SD would like us to all be together". I let him know that I was pretty sure if he asked SD if she wanted one party or two, she would choose two!
We made it through that one pretty easily. It has not always been that way. We fought about it early on. DH was at his wits end with me. He often said he didn't want to talk about it anymore, and that I was just jealous. He will still sometimes take calls during meals from BM, luckly it's only when she has SD, and it really doesn't happen very often, but when it does it's still like a slap in the face. I stressed to him that he needed to break away from the idea of an "intact family". They were no longer a unit. Yes she is the mother and he is the father, and they have a child, but they now had seperate lives. I tried to get him to understand that it probably wasn't all good to do these things for SD. It might give her the impression that mom and dad were together again, or that things would always be that way, when we all knew they wouldn't. Some families can make it work, and I think that's great for them. Surely their kids are not damaged by it. But it wasn't going to work for us, and we had to struggle to find our way with boundries.
I think before anything else you have to decided if it's worth the fight. Is your bond strong enough to fight it out? At times it will be a fight. We stuck it out and it was worth it for us. Maybe a change in the way your are trying to communicate with DH would help? I know I make a lot of progress with DH when I remain calm and talk about facts with him. He deals with concrete examples well and it really helps him understand. It is also important to know where DH is coming from. Why is this making him to angry that he doesn't want to come home?
Is it because he feels like the conversation will never end? Start with small goals, and when you've talked about it and you're getting frusterated let it go for a while. Set a time to talk about it again and don't bring it up until that time. Don't go to bed angry with eachother.
Is it making him angry because he still has feelings for BM and really wants to help her? That's a whole other issue.
Is it making him angry because he feels it's none of your business what he and BM do? Once again not good. But don't you wanna know? I know I would, and communication is the key.
Sounds like my
Sounds like my relationship/DH exactly. He just says he doesn't want to talk about it anymore...to drop it. But its hard for me to drop it if the problem hasn't been identified or solved. My DH hates, hates, hates confrontations (1 reason he lets everyone walk all over him). Myself on the other hand when I see a problem wants it solved immediately, no matter the length of time it takes. That leads me to getting emotional & over the top about somethings. For now on I will try to discuss things with him for 5 minutes...if issue still isn't solved we will take a break until we can both talk rationally to find solutions. Thank you for the advice.
Sadly, my DH is alright with
Sadly, my DH is alright with being friends with BM. I admit things have improved/changed drastically but geez it's taken a longtime just to get to this point. It shouldn't have to be this hard should it?
These are all the stories of
These are all the stories of my life the first 2 years of my relationship - NO BOUNDARIES! It's getting better (ever since my meltdown this past winter over my "discomfort" with their communication)... it's still not completely the way I would like to see it. But I'm also getting "bolder" in my remarks about things and I think it's opening up SO's eyes that if I'm not comfortable with it I can always leave - we're not married, no kids, etc. ...
I admit I have jealousy over
I admit I have jealousy over their relationship although much less than I used to. In the past DH & BM would discuss our relationship/fights. I can't understand why you would discuss/seek advice from someone that you had a relationship with that didn't work out. What good could they be? I wouldn't discuss my marriage with my ex because frankly it's non of his business. DH has since stopped discussing our issues with the world but I still feel that these things should be common sense. After getting married relationships with ex-spouses should change out of respect for the new spouse. Am I wrong on these things? Or as a married couple in a blended family we're just having to figure it out as we go along?
I, too, admit the jealousy
I, too, admit the jealousy part ... mostly b/c SO told me he tried to make their marriage work ... later he told me he knew that was crazy b/c she cheated on him so much but he wanted it to work for the kids and he didn't want the "stigma of divorce." Plus, I knew they were still sleeping together and she was staying the night at his apartment EVEN WHILE THEY WERE GOING THROUGH THEIR DIVORCE!! Knowing all that just kept me thinking he'd still want to try to work it out with her after I came along ... and her shenanigans after I came along ... it all just eats away at me still and I know I shouldn't let it. I just haven't found out how yet! And once last summer he spent 20 minutes outside with her when she came to get the girls ... come to find out she was telling him how she was considering leaving her bf and she didn't like her bf's mom ... and I said, "Why is THEIR relationship your business? It's not. You don't discuss that with your ex-spouse." He just said she wouldn't shut up. Sometimes she'll text him when she's not getting her way about things and thinks he's being mean and ask "Are you & 'Can I' fighting and that's why your being an a$$ to me?" Funny thing is that we don't really ever "fight"... not yelling or anything. And we've both told her that.
For me, I think it's figuring it out as I go along ... trying to change my thinking ... I know he is faithful to me and wants to be with me and tells me LOTS how he doesn't deserve me and how good I am and he's not used to being treated the amazing way I treat him ... but it's still not "easy" for me ... I hold grudges, I overthink ... you name it! BUT sites like this and several others I've found have been extremely beneficial in helping me "cope."
Thank you for your honesty. I
Thank you for your honesty. I know I'm the same way as in I overthink things. I've realized most of the things my DH does he not purposely doing to offend me or hurt my feelings but he's just clueless at times. He really didn't think I would mind his ex was texting him that late...really had no idea. I just don't like the idea that his ex thinks he's still her "go to guy." That's not how an ex-wife should feel about her ex-husband. They never really fought he said but she was still immature, hateful, conceited, deceitful, two-faced, and an all around **tch. Why would you even want to be friends with someone like that. I'm hoping DH will start having more confidence in himself to stand-up to people that don't deserve to be his friend.
CLUELESS is exactly it!!!
CLUELESS is exactly it!!! They don't get it from our viewpoint!!
I get where you're coming
I get where you're coming from. In the beginning things were terrible for me too, BM and DH had this enmeshed relationship that carried on. Sometimes I think it's better now because DH has some boundaries, but sometimes I think it's worse because they have gone from hating each other to wanting to be friends.
*I* don't think that there should be any conversation with BM that I can't be privy to but DH doesn't feel I need to be informed of everything.
I do not trust BM and I do not trust DH to always stand up to BM or see through her manipulative ways (because she does OWN the children in a sense), and because of this we have a never-ending fight about the communication with BM. BM knows this because fights have happened in front of the kids, and she pushes it... pushing herself to DH's good side whenever we have a fight, and always making DH feel guilty about marrying me and having more kids and not providing for his 1st two kids, even though he does.
I don't know what to say to help, because honestly, I too am at the end of the rope. It seems DH is willing to give up our marriage to play nice with BM and leave me out of the loop. There are days when I would rather be divorced, so that I can really butt out of their conversations and take back some control over my own life.
I'm with you on being privy
I'm with you on being privy to conversations.... especially because they involve things that happen in your home!!
I don't trust BM either and SO NEVER stands up to her (read my blog about her signing both SDs up for dance class!). I'm getting better about voicing my opinion on things, though. And I think he's starting to "see the light" about BM's mainpulative, controlling side!!
Show this article to your
Show this article to your DHs:
http://www.steptogether.org/emotionaladultery.html
They can't play both sides. There's a difference between being friends and allowing BM to manipulate and control.
Listen to your gut, it will tell you if something is wrong. Some of these men weren't ready to move on when they got remarried. Sometimes the BM is a psycho and DH is still afraid of displeasing her.