I think your sentence "why in the heck did it take me so long to take up for myself?" is something shared by many of us. I was bullied as an adolescent, and it has taken a therapist to point out to me that my SDs behave a lot like these bullies once did. Unless you stand up to bullies, they carry on persecuting you. However, it is not in my nature to fight fire with fire - instead I chose to disengage. It's not ideal but it does give me a little peace.

First, whatever is causing the resentment has to STOP.

I don't think I will ever be the same again either re. the SD. My resentment and hurt runs too deep. Why she so mean and evil is beyond me! I cannot ever trust her again after the hell she has put me through.

I started dealing with the problem: my H and the fact that HE isn't dealing with the problem.

The resentment is still there, but at least it's directed at the right person. The skids are just kids that are behaving in ways that they are ALLOWED to behave in. It's a case of bad parenting.

But I've also gotten to the point where I am standing up for myself a whole lot more than I used to.

i don't know that i've got over my resentment, i still hate sd and always will. it isn't my choice to hate her, it's just how i naturally feel after years of her terrible behavior.

i disengaged over 3 years ago. i no longer give a shit. i don't care how she feels about anything, and i don't care what she thinks about me. she is not a part of my life. even if she is around me at times, she is still not a part of my life. i don't think she has realized that yet. (see my stalking blogs). she seems to think she should very much be central in my life. well, like i said, i don't give a shit what she thinks.

eventually you are pushed to the point of just not caring. i'm there. and it's great. i do wonder what drives her behavior, but that's not about her, that's just how i am. i wonder what drives every asshole's behavior because i cannot fathom acting like that.

However, let me add that for our own health we all do really need to find a way to let go of the resentment and negative energy. We are really only hurting ourselves with it.

i think it's hard to let go of resentment when the resenting action is constantly repeated. I also think that SM really takes a toll on our self esteem. How can you not help but feel so resentful when you feel so low.

I think the only time the resentment stings less (i don't think it truly goes away) is when the offender is out of our lives. Either by disengagment or leaving, or by keeping ourselves completely submerged into something else. (work, hobbies, etc...)

I really can't imagine not feeling resentful.............I don't want to feel that way but I feel like I always have to have my guard up, if everything is going good it's just a matter of time. I've learned that from experiance. Hopefully one day????? I think it will take alot of time

I spent far too long struggling with overwhelming resentment toward both my SDs. They have been good little soldiers in their mother's Army of Hate. And no matter how much I would tell myself that they were just parroting what they'd heard their evil mother say, still.....it was their mouths uttering the words.

At some point in time I knew I needed to do something about the resentment because it was only hurting me. I did a lot of reading & soul-searching and this is what I came up with and it works for me.

I realized that unresolved anger leads to resentment. The SDs behavior caused my anger. I read somewhere that anger is a call for change. I can't change the SDs....only myself. I had to make a change in MYSELF....in MY response to them and their hurtful behavior toward me.

Somewhere I read this: RESENTMENT IS LIKE TAKING POISON AND HOPING THE OTHER PERSON DIES.

That clicked for me. My resentment was actually letting BM win! The resentment was taking me over and the last thing I want is to let that sick, twisted, hateful woman have that kind of power over me.

I sat down & laid all this out for DH and he understood what I was saying!!! I explained to him that I wasn't going to let BM OR his daughters have power over me, and agreed that he felt the same way. We had unknowingly been letting them control us in very subtle ways.

It was a true turning point for both DH & me. He has had my back since then, and truly began setting boundaries for both him and for us with BM and both daughters. They all hate it, and blame me for the change in him, since they can no longer manipulate him.

Does it mean I trust the skids or BM. HELL NO! But, I now have an ally in DH...he's not willing to let them have control of our lives.

I can't say my approach will work for everyone, but I just know I wasn't willing to live that way anymore. I am by nature a happy, positive person. The resentment, anger, etc. was pulling me down and turning me into someone I no longer recognized. And knowing it was all at BM's hands....I just wasn't willing to let that bitch rule my life and dictate how I lived my life.

I still have some resentment toward DH and SD because neither one has really acknowledged that what they dished out was so unfair. So the situation stands as partially unresolved. I do not know whether I will ever regain the respect I once had for DH, and I have lost any desire to win over SD. I suppose if DH demonstrated to SD that he actually supported me as his wife, or if SD stopped being such an entitled, narcissistic brat, the resentment would abate and I would welcome them fully share my life. But I know from the experience of living with their egos that this will never happen. So life goes on and I look for other things to fulfill my life.

Another poster wrote that there is a difference between disengaging and banning SD from the home which I did – it was one of the best things I have done for me. I feel like I have been through a war that just fizzled out because I lost interest in it. SD might THINK she's still fighting a war, and DH might be thinking he's a victim of the war but to me it's like the war is going on in another country.

So a certain amount of resentment continues but I do not allow it to consume my life. The longer SD stays away, the better it gets.

This is such an important issue because fighting, anger and hate can really hurt a person's health. All those hormones in our bodies do a lot of harm. Frankly, I'm surprised my hair hasn't fallen out. I have been angry for an entire year since I began fighting with them over the inheritance. They have bullied me and turned my granddaughters away from me, their only grandparent. The fight is closing down and I have decided it is far more important to just give in and get them out of my life forever that to hold out for what is rightfully mine. I need my peace of mind, my health and a new path forward without them. The negotiations will conclude soon and I will be a far happier person when I don't have to think about their treatment of me. I'll still have a place to live and they will not be allowed to come here.

This is all so inspiring and familiar and moving.

Really!

I feel like I walk into a room of people that "get it" when I go on this site.

This is exactly where I am up to. Trying to shut down the resentment in me. It is the key. That is when we win. Noone can prepare you for step parenting overindulged step children. SD16 - that is all you need to write on this site for people to understand.

So sorry for everyone here. You know as much as we might dig out of our memories every time we failed or were bullied (because that is what having horribly bossy people allowed to take advantage of you feels like) seriously it's not our fault. It's their fault and really yes their crazy angry mummys.

I do feel angry because my son has a smum and I would never be rude about her. he has a right to a relationship with her. It is not fair that the bitch from hell coaches my step daughter to be horrible to me.

You know what? lots of it is about money and revenge for lots of them. Sad women and their crazy foot soldiers.

Letting go of the resentment is hard when the source of your resentment DH and SD still think they are the victims.

I banned SD from my home with good reason after 8 years of her crap, like many others my DH felt I was the root of the problem, if I would just put up with everything she said and did like he did, then we wouldn't have a problem, she would be happy - honestly I think they are both insane DH and SD.

Do I resent SD, no not really, for me to resent her I would have to have some feelings for her ie: love or hate and truthfully I don't have any feelings about her. I don't like her as a person and would not have her in my home again, but that is not bourne of of hate it is simply she is not someone who I could have a conversation and a laugh with, she is not my cup of tea at all. She is a very passisve aggressive woman and I really can't be bothered with people like that. Do I resent DH, well that is different story. He promised to love and honour me, and he sure as hell failed to live up to those vows when he sat back and watched his daughter treat me like dog poo on the soles of her feet. I resent that he, a fully grown man, let this young woman make a complete fool out of him and I, I resent that he wanted me to take her crap and just put up with her isolating and humilitating me at every opportunity, I resent the fact that he feels like the victim (as does she, but I don't care what she feels). Now DH has been Mr Wonderful the last couple of months, husband of the year, can't be nice enough, he is actually acting like a normal human being and I feel like I am in a normal marriage, but because I worry that all this will end with the next phone call he has from SD I am still uneasy, this uneaseness is a reminder of all that happened to me and his failure to do anything about it, so it keeps things fresh and makes it harder to let the resentment go.

I hope with the passage of time the resentment will fade, however I have no intentions of ever being anything but an equal in this marriage, I will never again put my husband up on a pedestal while he kicks me in the head from up there.

I think my resentment is not as strong as it was before because now I see that I actually gained a lot from the experience. I have gained some confidence, some self esteem and some self respect and I see that I played a role in this, I sat back and said nothing to keep my husband happy. I am now very focussed on building my confidence and self esteem, in respecting myself and as I said in being an equal in the marriage. As an added bonus, I have found the strength to tell him I will no longer visit his father and sister he can do that all by himself, they played a role in a lot of this and once again my husband allowed it, but I am the one putting an end to it. If I focus on the positives I think that should eventually help to reduce the resentment.

However, we have all been through an awful lot and being resentful for a while is probably natural, but we deserve better and each of us must find our own way to help us deal with the resentment so we can move on and be happier people, we deserve that.

"I know deep down, that my father will let go of anyone who is a source of too much stress. So I knew if I decided to cut him off permanently, he would adjust."

So true of our DHs too SA. Horrible to think we have all got too stressed out over robots.

I know exactly what you are feeling. Husband and I have been married 20 years. I have not had contact with oldest SS in 8 years, still have very hard feeling for him and absolutely have no desire to be in the same room as him. I cut ties with the younger boy 2 years ago, saw him in passing last summer and had a serious panic attack, a flood of terrible feelings came back all in an instant, it was not good. Like you, I tried and tried. I thought all my hard work for them when they were little and angry would one day pay off in a good way and that the boys would be able to se their BM for who she really was (a liar and head-game player) but I was very wrong. Counseling helped me and my husband alot. She told me that I became the scapegoat. It was not me they were mad at but instead their parents for the divorce and the abandonment but they coudl not blame bio mom because she had abandoned them and they feared she would do so again. She told me I had to have absolutely nothing to do with these grown children because they would not be able to do anything but blame and that is exactly what I did. I ws the only real stable mother figure in their lives and I am a good mom but my counselor said I coudl have been Mother Theresa, did everything right and they still would not be able to see anything good that I have done for them. It has not been easy but disconnecting from my SSs has been part of the answer for me. After years of on-going stress and dealing with the thoughts pinging thru my brain I finally went on anti-depressants to give me an edge to help me over the hurdle. Perhaps not the answer for everyone but I have found my thought processes are much clearer and not so much in the dumps and constantly spinning thoughts of the past.

In my case my dh's whining bio daughter and his bratty grand kids fell of the face of the earth.
My dh has a touch of emphysema and I have SI joint dysfunction.
All the help that we have given to them in the pass, do they care about us? "NO".
Not even an email or phone call. May they R.I.P.

As far as them having a disease, that whole family is Septic, and I do not want to have that garbage in my lifestyle. So in your case let it go. I can't force people like that to care when their lives are dysfunction. It's like trying to fix a train wreck.

If your dh can't let go then you must let go because our marriage almost went out the window because of Them.
Oh btw our bank account is not that big anymore. So they disappeared.

I to resent my husband. I feel like he is always taking sides. Always saying they are his kids. All I ask for was a little respect just like my kids show to him - respect. I am at the point right now where I have taken a backseat. My husband & I would always put each other first now he jumps when his kids say so. He says he agrees with me but he doesn't stick up for me in front of them. It's like he's affraid they won't talk to him for long periods of time again. So I do resent my husband for pushing me aside.

I have 4 adult SSs who pretty much hate the fact that their father married me. I have been bullied by the younger 2 the worst and DH cannot begin to see my point of view. I have tried to talk to DH since I moved in with him but he either doesn't believe me or doesn't care. His kids never get disciplined and are not required to respect me all. The younger 2 SSs have ransacked my belongings, stolen my BS11's TV right out of his bedroom, kicked my BD21 out of our home and just last week I was told by the youngest SS to shut the f*** up. Finally fed up with the bulls***, I told DH that he is the authority in this house and it is up to him to demand respect for me or tell them to get out. All I got was a door slammed in my face. Once again I am hibernating in the bedroom for days, ignoring DH. It cripples my self esteem and I don't know how to stand up to them or him. Yes I resent DH and truly feel hatred toward the SSs. How does one cope?

I only have resentment towards my skids because of the pain they are causing my DH, even though I know it is PAS-driven efforts from BM that has made them this way.

I try not to think about it too much but sometimes DH will talk about them. And, of course, I keep coming to this website which reminds me about them always.

We've been married 20 years and the resentment towards SD47 is HUGE and it's started to also occur toward SS43. DH and I have not spoken to SD47 for almost 3 years now. I'm 58 years old and in my entire life I've never been treated so horribly. I never experienced a rapid heartbeat, anxiety and total upset stomach over having to spend time with anyone until I met them. Who purposely is mean and nasty to anyone? Sick, sick people. DH is not close to them at all because of their behavior. Entitled, pompous arse's! I've disengaged within the last couple of months from the both of them.