How would this make you feel, to the step parents W/O your own children
My BF and I have been together now for 3yrs, will be getting engaged soon. We got into a huge, week long fight (no talking) because his son wanted him to do something, he agreed and I thought it was disrespectful to me (too long to explain the whole thing), involves the BM.
So he's getting frustrated during a talk to work things out and says......
" Listen my son's feelings will always come before yours.
He's going to get WHATEVER he wants. "
I understand the relationship with having children, but to say it so bluntly kinda hurt me. I'm sitting there thinking, WOW...you want to spend the rest of your life with me, but if it's something his son disagrees to that's how it's gonna be. Our relationship is at the hands of a selfish child.
Years back, his son threw a fit (he was 11) when he was told I was going to babysit him since my BF was working overnight. My BF asked what the problem was and his son pretty much said that he didn't want him to have a GF. So he immediately broke up with me. Yeah. That lasted a week until he came to his senses, kinda.
Anyone else out there, without kids like me, that experienced something like this? Your thoughts........
I agree. He'll say, you said
I agree. He'll say, you said when we got together that you accept us as a package deal, which is true. I knew he had a child. I was and still am willing to help him raise his child as a respectful (he's not), responsible (he's not), member of society. Currently I feel (a lot of times) that my feelings and opinions are nothing and I'm only good for a personal relationship w/ him and it's cool if I can do all the things the BM doesn't do (cook, mend clothes, take him to school when he misses the bus, etc.)
YES!! "Ask you BF if he
YES!! "Ask you BF if he wants a partner that will be there to help him parent his child or if he's simply looking to get laid". That's EXACTLY how I feel at times! I'm good enough to cook for the child, wash out stains on the school uniform, etc. But when I try to lend general advice, he chalks it up to, she's not a parent, she has no clue. But I generally say things like, don't let him do that (ride bikes on busy roads), have kids over when there's no adults around. You know, general good points.
He'll say the only two people
He'll say the only two people he needs to care for are myself and his son. Which that said, and knowing he wants to get married, I thought I was a pretty important person to him, but after he said that I just sunk.
I'm glad I stumbled upon this site, I'm glad to see I'm not the only one w/ these problems.
To make things even better he
To make things even better he said (same convo) that he never showered me with gifts because he didn't have to, since we've been together for that long. I've never asked for gifts btw. For X-mas one year I got a case of beer (really) after I spent a good $400 on him. I was USED!
Get out of this relationship,
Get out of this relationship, and thank your lucky stars you only wasted 3 years on this idiot! My son's feelings will always come first? WTF? You must be absolutely LIVID!
When he said that I should
When he said that I should have smacked him. Now I think about it, that would be like ME saying, well your kid is my LAST priority, since hey, he's NOT MY KID. If I were to say something like that, he'd be floored and tell me to walk.
Thank you for answering, I
Thank you for answering, I posted it this way because I have found that mostly attitudes are a lot different between people that have children vs people that don't. I get the whole, what do you know about raising kids w/ eye rolls. I will check that out thanks. I need to make a decision with this matter, and reading about other peoples problems are helpful.
I don't like to give the
I don't like to give the "run" advice, but in your case he made his choice ....there is no way that an adult rs in a stepfamily scenario can thrive and survive under those circumstances.You deserve someone who puts you first and treats his children as kids and not as mini adults with all the rights and entitlements.Although there are scenarios when you need to put your children first for safety and protection no doubt, in everyday situations like this he needed to respect your opinion and treat you more important.
Sorry to say this, but I would walk away.
That was very well said,
That was very well said, thank you. Exactly, it's not like I said, if the house was burning, get me out first! I want him to be there for his child, but not to the point where what the kid says goes. To me, he's just telling the kid it's ok to be spoiled, and you'll always get what you want. That's not life though. I've told him that.
I agree with all that's been
I agree with all that's been written here. To add one other point related to the boy getting whatever he wants, remember that spoiled kids turn into spoiled adults. So your BF is creating a monster that will be around for a long, long time. Don't think problems will end when this kid turns 18 - they won't. He is already living an entitled life, and will expect it to continue. Read the adult boards and see what the future could hold. The people on this site are very insightful - so look at their input as a gift. Kinda like "Christmas Carol" where you get a chance to see the past, present and future clearly. At the very least, I would hold off on the engagement until he agreed to some counseling/mediation and then practiced it successfully for a six months or a year. If he can't do it that long, he won't be able to do it for a lifetime. Then you will know it's time to walk and you won't have any regrets. The world is full of men - this one is not the right one for you if he doesn't put you first in his life.
He needs to get over that
He needs to get over that fast!!!!! No way would I accept that if I were you.
I remember my h. used to say something like that and finally I said why? do you hear what you are asking me to accept? and he said, I just feel like I have cheated her out of having a family (because of bm divorcing him) - and that was the beginning of us really talking about this.
Try to really have a conversation starting with why would you say that and how can you think anyone in their right mind is going to come second to a child? outside of abuse, etc. the child should come first if someone is abusing the child -
but just in the course of having a normal loving relationship - that is everyone's right, including his!!! and YOURS!!!!!
It is not healthy to give so much power to a child - not for any of you.!!
completely right, most
completely right, most evil!!!!
I always accepted his whole,
I always accepted his whole, my kid comes first attitude because that's what I've always heard, until he said that. Then I thought about it today and here I am! By him saying that I thought, ok, that means I come in dead last, which is a bad feeling. Especially when I do more for the child than the BM does. I feel like I'm just being used. It's ok for me to cook and do everything else, but my feelings don't matter.
Your relationship with him
Your relationship with him HAS to come first. You cannot provide a stable, safe, consistent home for his kid if you're not completely on the same page and working as a team.
I'm extremely lucky in this area. My DH is absolutely supportive, understanding, and willing to work with me. We both came from previous marriages where the ex dictated the relationship, and we were miserable. We made a very clear promise to each other that we would never be back there.
It's not always easy. We obviously still disagree and fight, but we get through it. You need to have some serious conversations with your BF BEFORE you engage or marry him. Something has to give, and it's not you .. you've been giving enough already.
UPDATE: I confronted him
UPDATE: I confronted him about this. Firstly he says, he never said that. (I would not have remembered it word for word if he didn't) then he goes on to say that his son will ALWAYS come before me, and sorry I wouldn't understand that since I don't have kids. I say needs are one thing, wants are another. He says my feelings do matter, but again, I'll never come before his son. So that's it, and we're done.
You all were very right, and thank you all sooooo much for the confidence to do this. I'm hurting right now, but in a sense I am happy. On one hand I'm losing someone I love dearly, but I'm happy to realize I should not be dead last in a relationship.
I was somewhat hopeful he'd say, you're right, I can't be treating you like this. But I knew that was unlikely and that's what happened.
Yeah, right now he's not
Yeah, right now he's not happy with me. He says he can't believe I broke up with him. I said I can't afford to be last in a relationship and he said, you're not last.
So anyway, now starts his pick up your stuff asap BS, and don't think for a second we're going to be friends. Oh and go find better. I said, it's easy enough to find someone who will appreciate me. (tapping myself on the back)
I'm heading for the hills!!!!
I'm heading for the hills!!!! He's f'ing a'hole.
Been there and almost married
Been there and almost married him. Came to my senses and confronted him. He told me nothing will change and basically take it or leave it. I left and it was very difficult. I learned self- worth and self - respect. Painful introspection and an honest inventory of my self.Priceless lesson for years to come.
Now I know who and what are the important people in my life, how to value and appreciate them and how to direct my big heart and warming love towards positive people who appreciate and value me in return.
You can only give so much till you feel depleted and lost.I am so excited for you - trust me it is a rewarding and liberating experience - I gained so much wisdom.
In the long run he is teaching his child how to treat women.Kids learn by example and seeing the actions of their parents is what they perpetuate later in life. What most of these men do not understand is that by treating women in disrespectful way they are showing their kids dysfunctional ways of partnership and love.
Kids feel and feed off love.The men that we are dealing with have too much ego to understand that:).
Thank you , bethl22. When we
Thank you , bethl22. When we were breaking up his son hugged me and my ex`s jaws dropped. His 14 year old son was more mature and knew more about love then a 35 year old.His son also told him to do what he has to do, that is continue to build a stable foundation with me so that we can be a family unit. His 12 year old daughter was not in agreement. The rest is history.