Hello from a newbie! I need help /:
Hello, I will try to keep it short, but there's just so much to talk about and vent about, and I don't know what my future holds right now.
I have been with SO (fiance) for 7 years this month. I was 19 when we met, he was 33 and had two younger kids from a previous relationship who were 4 and 8 at the time. (the younger one is his, the older one is not biologically his)
We were together for about 7-8 months and I split from him. I was young, didn't know what I wanted, there was issues with his age that my parents couldn't accept. We were apart for about 4 months, than we went camping with a car group together (we met through a car interest forum) and we slept in the same tent. (there was no sex, but cuddling) and I realized I missed him. I told my parents we were getting back together. Eventually the following february of 2007 I moved in with him.
At the time we only had his step children every other weekend which I loved. I enjoyed having them around a little bit, and not full time. I was not ready to take on that role yet of a full time step mom. The little one adored me. The older one, not so much. She hated me. I took away their time with dad when he had them on the weekends.
I got pregnant in late May.2007 (OOPS, birth control fail). My daughter was born in Nov, 16 weeks early. SHe was a 24 week preemie so we moved closer to the hospital and closer to where the step kids lived. After she came home in Feb.2008 I became a stay at home mom. The SO and the bio mom of the other two decided, hey, you live closer, why don't we try doing one week on one week off. It would save you paying child support and the girls could see their sister. This was pretty much decided without me.
I got pregnant again Dec.2008 and had another little girl August.2009. We had moved again but far northwest. SO kept driving them 30 minutes to school every day because he didn't want to give up his time with them (which wasn't very much anyways). I was now a stay at home mom of two young girls, and a mom of two step kids every other week. I was expected to care for my kids, cook, clean, and do laundry for 6 people. This is when I started to hate everything about my life. (except my kids)
Now we live only 15 minutes from the step kids. They are 11 and 14 turning 15. The younger one is a pretty good kid. But my relationships with them are getting weaker. The older girl has a whole shitload of problems. She just got out of the childrens mental ward a week ago after being kept for a week for depression and cutting. It's just a whole list of problems with her that have intensified my depression and I've developed anxiety. Her and I do not get along any more. We tolerate each other but we don't speak much when she's here, we just avoid each other.
I am just really starting to HATE being a step mom. Yes when I got together with SO I knew I would take on a step parent role. But I didn't expect it to be like this. I did not want them every other week. I did not want to cook for them and clean up after them day in and day out. I didn't know I would have to deal with a depressed step kid who is spoiled and manipulative.
My relationship is failing with SO because our parenting is different and I don't agree with the way he is most of the time and I can't stand the kids. I am really feeling scared for the future. I feel like I should leave this situation with my kids, and try to live our lives seperately for a while. The stress between myself and the kids is not helpful or fair to him. When it's time for our week with them, I get severely irritated, anxious, moody which is not fair to my younger two. SO is a Realtor so he's not home a lot. So I am home with the kids a lot more than him which is not fair I don't think. He expects me to take care of them while he's not here most of the time. What's the point of them coming over than? They aren't here to see me!
I really want to rectify my relationship with SO but I do not feel like I can do it while living together with his step kids around. I have severe depression and problems I need to work on. I haven't left yet because I have a lot of pets and I have no where to go /: My parents are moving soon so I am hoping they find a place with an extra room for me and my kids, just temporarily. I am just so overwhelmed with the kids and with life in general 
what would you suggest?
What about small steps? 11
What about small steps? 11 and 14/15 is old enough for them to start helping you out when they are around. They can do some laundry, cleaning, and even some basic cooking...and you can talk to your fiance about giving them an allowance for helping you out due to the increased burden. There's definitely a lot more to do when there are 6 people in a house versus four! If they aren't able to help, then maybe talk to your SO about getting them involved in some sort of YMCA program to keep them out of the house while you deal with your younger children.
As far as the older stepdaughter...it sounds like she has a lot of problems, and that's compounded with the fact that she's a teenage girl and who really likes them anyway? I would really disengage from her and tell yourself over and over that it is a phase and it will pass.
Thanks for coming here and
Thanks for coming here and vent.Talking about your feelings is a very important first step.If I would be you I would feel exactly what you feel- you are trapped into taking on all the childcare for your SO, including a very difficult teenage girl whereas he is not even here.No, you didn't sign up for that at the beginning.And SO and BM making their decisions without even considering your feelings- obviously thinking that you look after the two little ones anyway, so they see no reason why you shouldn't take on the other two as well....but this is wrong and unfair to expect from you.
Does SO know how you feel?And does he realise what impact his decisions leave on you and also the marriage?
You say that you are already depressed-you need to take some time off the insanity if you can.The idea to go to your parents for a little while is not a bad one for now.
Also, if you want your marriage to have a chance , the solution is NOT to give in to whatever they expect you to, but to seek education about step families and he priorities that need to be set to make things work.In almost every book and article it is said that the adult rs must come first- your marriage is the base for the step family.Your SO puts BM and his children in front of you and he needs to realise that this is affecting your rs.
Step monster, the book , can be a great eye opener, but he needs to show interest to find out what is going on.YOu are getting bullied and treated like a door mat-if he wants the marriage to work he needs to change things around.
And one of the things to change would be to arrange with BM that he doesn't have his kids while he is not there.Is child support more important than his wifes health and well being?I hope not.Stay strong girl and look for help with your depression.xx
I can empathize with the
I can empathize with the hospitalized sd. My 13 year old sd was hospitalized in may for "depression". I have come to believe you was hospitalized for manipulation. She knew she was going to fail school, she ad gotten busted drinking at her bms, she had threatened her bm, the when her bm planned a vacation without her it "sent her over the edge". Bullshit. She doesn't even like her mother unless she is buying her something. She was passed through 7th grade because of the hospital/suicidal thing, got lots of attention, and definitely was spoiled by grandma nd mom. Luckily my dh was more practical (probably since we are stuck with the hospital, therapist, and counseling bill). Unfortunately she manipulates her doctors, and just about everyone else around her. She s a sociopath. And she HATES me! Unless anyone else is listening then she will give you a toothache being so sweet. That's how I know its bullshit. I'm so very tired of a big to stay a ATP ahead of he. I'm out of town again for work nf went around hiding my things because she will be home and has very sticky fingers and is an exceptional lar. *sgh*. Hang in there.
Tired of the games...don't
Tired of the games...don't even know how autocorrect got that!
If your SO isn't home much
If your SO isn't home much anyway, there is NO WAY in heck I'd be watching them throughout the week!! Basically you are his babysitter, not his fiance right now. You watching his kids every other week saves him money.... which in turn saves you money. Is the extra money worth all your mental anguish??? I can bet pretty much my entire bank account that I know the answer to that one!!
My suggestion would be to go back to every other weekend like you previously had and pay the child support. If they aren't even seeing their Dad, you're right... Why are they even there??? Your relationship may count on this!
Good luck!!
PS- I told my SO that if anything ever happened that he'd end up with his kids full time, I'd move out. I think I even mentioned that like our 5th date or something.... I knew early on I wanted no part in his kids life. I'm dating him, not his kids. They already have a mother... I'm just their dads girlfriend and that is more than okay with me!!
With 4 kids in the house, two
With 4 kids in the house, two of them teens, it would seem that Dad could make sure all four kids ran the place. I.e. you supervise and that's about it. Now I know I'm being somewhat optimistic especially with the girl but if you're doing all the work while they - what - watch TV or compute then something is wrong and Dad is the problem.
If nothing else it may drive the girl so crazy she'll stop coming over at all and stay at Mom's full time. Seems it might be better to let them stay at Mom's full time instead which is my suggestion. Mom has a house already set up for them. Tell Dad you've gone over the edge and unless his kids reduce their time at your home to two days out of 14 you're leaving. That means he'll start paying child support again but it's cheaper than losing you.
i'm really surprised to hear
i'm really surprised to hear this "advice" out of you. you have said more than once that you would drop any woman for more time with your kids. now you think these kids should go to bm and dh should be more concerned with having time with sm. so which is it?
My calculations on this say
My calculations on this say that you are only 26/27. That is very young to have two teenagers, one with mental health issues and 2 younger children in the house. No wonder you are struggling and depressed, you I guess at this tender age think that your whole life is ruined and it will always be like this. It won't. All four kids will eventually grow up. However, how do you deal with all of this in the meantime.
Firstly: You get yourself to a doctor and get some help. Making decisions when you are suffering from depression is not a good idea, so get that sorted out.
Secondly: You start taking care of yourself, and if this means asking your husband for help, and expecting the children to do their bit around the house, then so be it.
Thirdly: Take a long hard look inside yourelf and ask yourself what you really want. Do you want to continue in this marriage, or are you already out of it, you just haven't physically moved out. Once you know what it is you really want then you can take steps to achieve that goal.
You were only 19 when you and your partner got together, of course you could not forsee the future, the SK's were fun and only over every other weekend. Unfortunately at that age not many people if any would imagine things could change so dramatically. I guess your parents told you all of this though so I am not going to dwell on it. However, now that things have changed, remember this, they could change again, and again and again. So when you are making your decisions remember this:
Mom could find a boyfriend and mover to timbucktoo leaving the girls behind and full time with you.
The girls could say don't want to go there anymore and you may never see them again.
God forbid, something could happen to mom and you would have the girls full time.
Your little ones will not be little forever, they too will grow and you may find them little angels, or a handful and very difficult to deal with on your own.
If you decide to seperate, your husband will have access to your two girls, can you deal with that.
When you were 19 you made a decision that has impacted not only on your life, but on the life of your two daughters and of course on the lives of your two step daughters, but as we all have done, the CRY But I love him was loud and strong. So this time before you make any hasty decisons, based on but I hate him, or I hate my life, try and make some positive changes in it.
Your depression and anxiety need to be dealt with and that takes no: 1 priority. See your doctor immediately. I think you need someone to talk to, so perhaps you could find a counsellor that you can work with to help you think things through and work out what it is you really want this time.
More than likely you are just plain exhausted, physically, mentally and emotionally and you cannot see anything but a bleak future ahead. Please start to look after yourself. If your husband is not supporting you and you cannot get him to see what is happening to you, that's okay. Stop worrying about that, and put all your energy for now into looking after yourself. When you have sorted out some of your issues in regards to your health, then you may be in a better position to work things out with your husband.
You are still a young woman, you have a lot of life ahead of you, and it can be a good life, you just need to take some time to think it through.
Whatever you decide to do, to go or to stay is fine, as long as it is what YOU want and YOU are happy with the decision. So, get yourself sorted out, then see if you can work this out with your husband or not.
Things change in life, and that is just how it is, it is no ones fault, things just change. So do not feel guilty or bad or wrong about any of this. Just get yourself back on track before you start worrying about anyone else. I wish you all the best.
emotionaly b u, your advise
emotionaly b u, your advise is always so good.
I wholeheartedly agree that
I wholeheartedly agree that you need to get your depression treated first. This may include a course of meds, please try to keep an open mind about meds if you are normally against that.
I also agree the CS money being saved is not worth it. Your health is suffering. Basically, Dad should be there when the kids are there to do the lion's share of parenting of his older children. If he is not there, work or whatever reason, let the kids stay with their mother. Even if they are home alone, they are old enough to manage that.
Try to get these issues resolved before you start making decisions about divorce and putting your kids through that. If meds help, and responsibility for skids is lifted from you and placed where it belongs (on the parents), then you may find it easier to work with other issues such as differing parenting styles.
Have you ever heard the bit about oxygen masks on a plane? A mother's first instinct when the masks fall is to put it on her child's head. Mom's tend to want to save their child before themselves, however the child really has a better chance of survival if Mom puts on her mask first.
It's time for you to put on your mask first.
another great piece of
another great piece of advice,we are getting so wise here, I find!! Much more help than those days when all you were given was to "run", love my Step talk now!!!!
Thank you very much
Thank you very much Oncechoosetosmile.
Absolutely agree with
Absolutely agree with Stepmisery.
Wow, thank you so much for
Wow, thank you so much for this splended advice, I am so glad that I am here now to talk to people who understand, and don't judge. :jawdrop:
There has been so much going on, that you are all right, I have not been taking care of myself the way I should. Mentally and physically I am falling apart. My mom can see it, SO can't see it. That's partly my fault too, I find it hard to talk to him. He has nothing constructive to say and usually comes out with "aw don't be sad everything will be ok" -_-'
I started wellbutrin XL a couple weeks ago, I have to make an appointment with my DR tomorrow to talk about how they have been working for me and to see if we need to increase the dose etc. I think I will talk to her about finding a counselor. I have not looked into one because money is very tight, it always is and it just seems too much. Silly I know. That's just my mentality. lol I am cheap. But between house renovations, bills, groceries, and a wisdom tooth that might have to come out, I just don't know that there's every any money left.
When I was 19 I had no idea life would be so farked up now. Had I known I would have never moved forward. (minus my children of course. I wouldn't trade them for anything even though they drive me nuts!) but than I feel very selfish when I think like that. But I always wonder what if I never moved in with him and went to school and got a career? I would probably be a lot happier!
Before christmas last year I had a melt down. I told SO that he was leaving me too responsible for his kids. I was picking them up almost every day from school which was 30 minutes each way and than rushing to make dinner. I told him I couldn't do that anymore, so he said ok no problem and he started picking them up. But I tried to tell him that I didn't want to do one week on, one week off and he got very upset and told me he couldn't do that. If I try to talk about it, it creates so much tension and upset in the house. So I have learned to just deal with it and continue on. I don't ever want him to have to "choose". That's not fair and I would never make it to be you choose either your kids or me. It's not like that at all. As a mother I would never let anyone give me that ultimatum!!! I just want him to make choices that are best for the kids and for us. And I think that if their mom ever died, or left I would be out of here in a second lol. I would not be able to handle them 24/7
This last month has been all about DSD1 and it's driven our relationship further into the dirt. His focus was work, and her. Hanging out with her, taking her out, and than visiting her every day in the hospital. All the while I was trying not to lose my $hit but I didn't, because I knew emotionally he wasn't doing well and I really tried to support him but found it very difficult as I was trying to fight my own problems, alone. Some other stuff happened with our families over the month that were directly related to me so that on top the stuff with DSD1 just about put me over the edge and that's when I decided I need to go back on meds (I was on two different meds before for post partum)
SO really is a sweet guy, and I know he really loves me and would be devastated if I left with the kids. But life always falls back into the same routine and starts all over after I express my concerns with him. I often feel like, is this all there is for me? To clean and cook and watch the kids? It's even harder when they are here and he's off working! I am resentful and bitter and I just don't know how to turn it off. I can honestly say that I think I pretty much hate DSD1 right now and I don't know if we will ever really get along. I am just tired of the lies and sneaking around and having to deal with her teenage bull right now. I am not her mother, I shouldn't have to be put through this but it's expected of me because of my position in this family. (the BM is in the picture, but she's a whole other story that I won't get into. She lives with her boyfriend of 6 years and his two kids)
Anyways, thank you again for your swift responses. It definitely made me feel better, and gives me hope and doesn't make me feel like I am such a bad person for feeling this way. Sometimes it's nice to hear unbiased responses from people in similar situations
You poor little chicken, you
You poor little chicken, you really are doing it tough aren't you. Can you please give yourself a little more time. The tablets will take up to 6 weeks to start to work, and once they do, you should be able to manage things a little better. I guess your SO is as overwhelmed by all of this as you are. But the fact he said "don't feel so sad" is rather positive, at least he is recognising you have feelings. That's good.
You are not selfish, you are not irresponsible, you are not bad. You are a young woman who has a helluva lot on her plate and is struggling to get through it. I think you will get through it for a couple of reasons. One, you recognise you have a problem, and 2, you are seeking help. Well done. You are not sticking your head in the sand and blaming everyone else.
I sincerely wish you all the very best. Good luck with your doctors visit.
I hope you can find some extra support on this site. Most importantly I hope you can now start to e kind to yourself.