How do I lay some ground rules with serious discussion with DH?
A lot of posts in here, not surprisingly, stress the frustration with DH, BF etc. for not wanting to face reality. What is the best way to lay all the cards out on the table?
Here is my reality. We are in heavy debt due to lawyers fees for changing custody even though BM abandoned skids. Dang, lawyers are expensive and BM dragged it out just to be spiteful. Also we are in debt for massive therapy for kids, other medical expenses. BM refuses to pay 50% as required by law. The costs of setting up 2 teenagers to live with you permanently when they were only here every other weekend previously brought more debt. We both work full time.
To avoid BIG probs a family member of mine will loan some $$ to help get out of hole. I absolutely hate asking my family but DH asked me if I would. In the meantime SS is 18, won't go out and find a job, sits on his ass all day playing video games, just finished summer classes because he couldnt graduate on time--failure!! DH is afraid to push too hard because SS has some serious mental health issues. DH feels guilty about how crazy BM damaged SS.
If I'm the source of the $$ (indirectly) I feel I have a right to make demands on the SS. Basically we wouldn't be in all of this debt if it weren't for these skids!! Husband thinks I hate SS irrationally now...but SS has been an ass to me, hasn't talked to me for 7 months but blames me and DH for all of his probs. Of course I can't stand him because I'm a piece of furniture to him.
How do I get frank with the DH and say, I am not bailing us out with this borrowed money if the SS continues to be a fuck up. Why should I subsidize? And DH needs to set rules, with set punishments and be consistent. I hate to threaten to leave but how do you get these men to listen when everyone's backs are up against the wall and life is hell?
Any advice on how to start this conversation?
I agree with danger kitty,
I agree with danger kitty, and add that you are a member of the family and contribute to finances. As an adult, ss shoud be doing the same, or be on his own. If his mental health issues are not severe enough to warrant disability, he should be working full time, end of story, no free rides!
I agree with what's already
I agree with what's already been said - these expenses sound totally SKID related and your family should not be expected to do you financial favours to help out. Your DH seems to be taking advantage of your and your family's good nature and does not even seem remotely grateful!
Here in the UK, kids are legally adult at 18 - your SS should be at least working part time to help contribute to the household. No matter how serious his mental health issues are - sitting playing games all day is not going to help him. He should be doing occupational therapy, voluntary work, something to help him break out of the vicious circle.
I don't think I would be willing to tolerate this status quo continuing for any length of time. I would consider giving DH some sort of ultimatum, that SS has to be doing something constructive to help himself within x amount of time otherwise you will withdraw all financial support.
If you borrow from your
If you borrow from your family for this you may well end up losing some if not all of your family, be careful.
Ohhh dear! Do not borrow from
Ohhh dear! Do not borrow from your family unless you are absolutely certain you can repay them fully. If DH wants to get a loan from them then make it HIS transaction with them. I make it a policy never to loan any amount that I am not willing to lose, If I ever do lend I say 'pay me back when you can'.
I'd sue BM for her share of the costs too! Child support, if she's earning, should be a given.
There...I got my initial reactions out of the way.
The biggest concern seems to be money, secondly I see SS as being a drain on resources. I'd ask DH how he feels about SS getting a part time job locally to buy his own stuff, aside from food and shelter, since he is not in full time education he is not eligable for child support from his mother.
I would try to use the old adage of 'niether a borrower or a lender be' look it up!
http://www.infoplease.com/askeds/said-neither-borrower-lender-be.html
Call a family meeting and ask each member what they think they can do to help out? I did not read any negative comments on the other SKid so h/she might be a godsend with ideas on how to make savings.
Say that you have reservations about borrowing money, sometimes it just gets people deeper into a hole. We actually stopped the high speed internet, did away with the cable box and made cutbacks to get back on track. Do you need high speed internet really, we only kept it up for elder SS's gaming and he helped pay for it and now he's moved out we cut it out of our budget. SS18 should not be lavishly fed, just keep the basics in the refrigerator and pantry. All rides are doubled up with essential runs.
We used to disable the wireless aspect of the internet so that the two younger ones got some sleep at night!
I'd be suggesting ways to save, if DH is still adamant on getting a loan then the savings you make now will help with repaying it? I am just rambling off the top of my head here. I borrowed money from my parents once...It HAD to be repayed! My self respect, ok...and a little bit of pride, got in the way of borrowing from family ever again.
There are all sorts of loan offers out there now, some with decent interest rates.
DH will likely make you all sorts of promises that things will change if you borrow the money and, guess what? Yep, absolutely nothing will change. SS18 will feel no impact whatsoever and make absolutely NO changes.
ABOVE ALL try to keep the meeting on a positive note...you do not want to be labelled as a 'negative nelly' here. Point out some good aspects of SS18 and pander to his ego a little and see how well he co operates!
Obviously you do not want to say it out loud that you think gaming is an escapist thing but if he is engaging in online stuff to avoid mental health issues then gradually replacing it with more positive activities would help, this is a topic for just you and DH, It's been said that gaming is addictive too, so immediate withdrawal might be detrimental. We used kite flying and fishing and other reasonably cheap activities to 'fill the gaps' and we enjoyed it too. A family movie night, home made popcorn and treats that the SKids made went down well here too.
There are a ton of ways to cut back, it's character building for the SKids to be a part of it and their contributions should be praised. I am not saying go back to the 'pioneer' days but I am saying that savings can be made in virtually EVERY household. Do some online research and present ideas to the meeting. OK...I am done rambling now.
His debt, his problem. Come
His debt, his problem. Come up with a financial plan for HIM to pay it off. I know you indirectly pay bills too, but put a limit on that. Split your finances. Pay only what you are supposed to. If SS becomes a drain that DH can't afford, then DH will be forced to push him a little more.
SS will not suceed in life if his excuses, legitimate or not, are always accepted. Someone needs to give him a swift kick to the ass (not literally), tell him to man up and deal with his problems, and get on with his life.
I would feel differently if SS was trying to work through issues to make himself gainfully employed, but wasn't ready to take on a working job just yet. But that doesn't sound like the case.