Should I have a say or should I just back off?
I am so torn right now, I need some advice. My SO of 1-1/2 years has two great kids that live with their BM full time, he and I have lived together a year now. The kids are with him in the summer and then alternating Christmas and Thanksgiving. From the beginning, he would talk about when the kids would come, and seemed to expect me to be a mother to them when they were with is. When he talks about the kids, they are "our kids", not his. Being a step-kid myself, I was a little hesitant at first about it. After meeting the kids and everything just falling into place and feeling right, I’ve transitioned into this role with ease.
The kids and I have a great relationship, I love them so much and would do anything for them. I make sure they have everything they need, like clothes and hygiene products. I make sure they experience fun things while they are with us, like movies, concerts, etc. I love being involved in their lives. The daily communication between me and my boyfriend about the kids is good. When it is not is what is the problem.
Both kids expressed a desire to live with him (us) last summer. They are very unhappy living with their mother. They’ve both told me how they are treated. He has told me about BM, the things that she did when they were together, why he filed for divorce. How he’s been told she treats the children. The financial issues she has. He and I have talked about him taking BM to court to gain custody.
It’s been almost year since we agreed to do this. I have saved over $4000 this year out of my paychecks to go towards court costs. SO has done nothing. He has not talked to a lawyer. He has not even taken the time to call the kid's schools to get copies of their report cards. Anytime I bring up anything to do with the kids' home life or what he should be doing to help build a case, he shuts down on me. He refuses to talk about it. I push him to talk, then he will tell me he has a plan in his head about what to do or he cries and tells me he is scared that if he tries and he fails, then it will be worse on the kids. He wants to talk to the kids this summer to be sure this is what they want before we do it.
So far this summer, I have found out that BM broke up with her live in bf, they moved out and had to change schools. I am not sure yet if it was in the middle of the year or just starting next year. I asked my SO if he knew this last night, he ignored me and stared at the TV. I then told him about a comment SD13 said before about the stress she had at home, that her acne was partly caused by it and its been getting better since she’s been with us. I asked her what stress, she said it was BM. She yells at them every day, takes things away and punishes them almost daily. SO still stared at the TV. Asked him if he had talked to the kids about their wants, he shook his head. That was the end of the conversation.
I am so frustrated. I am expected by him to love his children and take care of them when they are here like they are mine. I am willing to give my home to them and put forth a lot of my hard earned money to help get them, but I am shut out because he does not want to face things.
We’ve talked about marriage and kids, but after a year of this, I am really second guessing us. What is he going to do when it is our child and what he has to face is hard? I know he loves his kids, but if something is difficult or if he might fail, he almost gives up before even trying.
I wrote out my thoughts last night, ended up being a break up letter. I’ve not given it to him yet. I love him, I can’t really remember my life before him and the kids and I really cannot see my life without him, but I also don’t want to spend the rest of my life being a mom in his eyes when it is convenient, but being shut out when things get difficult.
Should I back off because they are not my kids and I really don’t have a say?
My DH talked a big game about
My DH talked a big game about SKs initially but it was just big talk. He loves them, but has no idea and no inclination to learn, how to deal with children. Healso doesn't like all the work they bring.
So in the abstract, he wants what is best for them. But when it comes down to the massive amounts of work it would take, he is not on board for that.
But of course hubby can't say, "oh, I am just too lazy and value my personal time too much to do what's best for the kids," so he is just ignoring it and hoping you stop asking.
Could that be the case here? I dunno, just throwing it out there.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^very
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^very perceptive DeeDee^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ I can see this in my DH for one
Back off. If you push now,
Back off. If you push now, then you'll be doing ALL of the work once they move in, IF they get to move in with you.
If dad isn't putting in any effort, then stop. I promise you will end up resentful if you don't.
You have saved up money, find something else fun to do with it.
Also, I know you love your skids and trust them, but understand that all kids learn to play victim with each parent. SD and SS used to tell us all the time how mean BM was. Come to find out it, a lot of times it was normal stuff that kids aren't supposed to be happy with. Other times, yeah she's an idiot, but not any more than their father was. Later found out that they go back and complain about our house to BM. Just what some kids do because they are allowed to.
You sound like you have wonderful intentions. I did at one time as well. You can't "save" someone else's kids if their parents won't make an effort. What you can do is drive yourself crazy trying to, then failing in the end.
Sorry for the negativity, just being honest from my experiences. I wanted to save my skids at one point too.
^^^^^^^^^^^THIS
^^^^^^^^^^^THIS OP.^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
I am no saint by any means
I am no saint by any means and I am not trying to make myself seem that way. SO and I have talked about the kids from the first day we met. He told me about 2 months before we met, his daughter said she wanted to live with him. I always expected for him to go for custody and told him I would do anything I needed to do to support him in doing so.
Being a step kid myself, I know that kids will say one thing to one parent and another thing to the other. I know they both love their mom and I am not trying to take her place. His son is more vocal about his mom, or was last summer. He talked about her a lot last summer, but would also make comments when we were playing that his mom doesn't play with him and yells at him a lot, then would keep playing like nothing was said. This summer, he's not talked about her much at all. His daughter is 13, and does have the attitude, so I am sure she pushes her mom's buttons.
I am going to try my best to step back. My personality is all or nothing. If I want something, I do whatever I need to do to get it. My SO is not as driven as I am and I need to remember that.
Thanks everyone.
I notice you want to have
I notice you want to have children with this guy, bclagirl. Note then what kind of a father he is and the fact that he appears to be a man of many words and little action who cannot debate childcare issues... it's a no from me I'm afraid. I'd say you have proof that you will be dumped with all the childcare of any child you have with him, just at a time when the skids reach their teens and start to turn against you (in a wholly normal way of course, but it's still horrible to go through with tots of your own in tow).
Its clear to me. He wants to
Its clear to me. He wants to have his kids and a mother also. Eventually he'll want full custody. Shoot why not? You'll be doing all the work.
Do not expect him to change regardless of what he may say or promise. He's too old to mend his ways which are based on how his father raised him. Hands off - let Mom raise the children. (Even if she worked full time).
Anyway since you find this intolerable there is only one solution. I'm glad you found this out before you got married.
You have no idea what you are
You have no idea what you are even attempting to get into.
Full time custody of two about to be teens?
BM is the one doing all the hard stuff here.
You and their father have them over summer? For all the fun holiday stuff. You take them out for fun times, buy them stuff - whoo hooo life is a ball with you guys.
BM, meanwhile, gets them to school every day, deals with the after school activities, homework, illnesses daily grind kind of crap.
Of course she tells them off and doesn't have as much time to play with them.
Of course they bitch about it.
When the situation is reversed and YOU are the one getting them out of bed every morning, getting them ready and off to school, picking them up, running them around, ensuring homework and chores are done - then YOU will be the one yelling, and it will be YOU they are bitching about.
The reality of having kids fulltime is SOOOOO different to the summer holidays.
As someone already mentioned your OH probably has more of an idea about this than you do. Let it be.
Have your own kids, know that YOU will be the one doing all the work, and that when your skids come to stay and you have your own kids they will be VERY different little creatures.
My advice is spend the money, or save it towards having your own family and leave these kids with their mother where they belong.