My 5yo ss comes to our house every weekend also, latley ive tried to dis engage from them at this time as every week i am fine up to when he comes on Saturday and I get anxious for one and all knotted up inside. Unfortunatley he isnt yours you have no say really until you guys sort out differences. You are engaged to be married right? So yes I think you need to put your foot down and say if ss is going to be in my life I need to have my say in what he does etc. Little things now will grow into big things later on. I am not engaged or pregnant to my BF & I don't know right now if i would go any further than what i am now which is a GF who disapears quite a bit when SS comes around. SS has no problem with me, he actually really likes me sad thing is i dont feel the same way and it kills me to not have a bond with this boy. But im not a child person, I thought Icould handle it but I just cant.
Everyone thinks im handling it but nobody knows my real feelings except for what I vent on these sites. I am only 5 months into this so thats all the advice i can give you right now, but good luck

I don't think it's a matter of who is right or wrong. You have different views on who should come first.

Since he's telling you he's in the kid comes first camp, you have to decide if you can live with that. Don't fool yourself into thinking you change his view on this after you're married.

Who is doing the spankings? If it is you then I would stop that as of today. Now. Roight now. Depending on where you live this could be child abuse. Now I have spanked my own children but NEVER someone elses child especially as you only have the kid visiting on weekends. He isn't living with you 24/7.

But, his father has made it clear. His son comes first. So dis-engage yourself and find someone who puts a wife first. Both of you will just fight your lives away so why prolong the agony? Listen, the child is not going anywhere, his father is reluctant to discipline him because he is only seeing his son on EOW and brings him to your place to see him and will not stop his son from wrecking your home.

You both have differing ideals so call it quits. He will not change and frankly neither are you. And forcing him or you to change will make for a wreck of a marriage. You will resent his son, your fiance will hate you for being mean to his son. And would it be fair to the boy to see his father get married to a woman who doesn't like him and is forced to be around someone who is mean and then the marriage falls apart anyway?

I predict eventually you will realize all the hassle of leaving him will be worth it. Being 2nd to a child is NOT where you want to be. I was there for a year and a half and finally ended it last week. It was HORRIBLE. We didn't even live together, but he was such a guilt-ridden parent there was ALWAYS something that drove me nuts. But the being 2nd...or not even on "the list" is the WORST. And when you come after a child, you aren't on the list. Ever.

If it seems that way to you, only a place to rant, its because step-parents are powerless and in the face of a partner who refuses to back them as a parent figure, or if the step-parent is unable to disengage, the situation quickly becomes intolerable.

You will likely find as Disneyfan said above: "Since he's telling you he's in the kid comes first camp, you have to decide if you can live with that. Don't fool yourself into thinking you change his view on this after you're married".

Most likely what you'll find is that he needs a partner in his bedroom and someone to run after his kid when the kid is around. Remember this kid is at its mothers 12 of 14 days (I assume) so neither the boys father or you are going to instill much into him. If he's a brat he'll remain that way no matter the spankings you two give him.

Go ahead and put more time into this relationship. I assume from the age of the boy all of you are young, perhaps in your twenties, so you can spare a year. But don't make any plans on marriage or having kids until that year is up. Although successful step-parent situations exist - we hear from them on occasion - the odds are clearly against you.

Girl - there must be a billion childless men in the world. Why are you injecting yourself into this situation so needlessly?

Now I've never had a baby, but Im pretty sure, you should come first while you are pregnant at the very least, Ss should be expected to behave himself, so as to cause you as little stress as possible, I have chosen to spend my life with my Bf, so he is expected to rate me as importantly as his children, when they grow up and start their families, I will still be by his side. When my bf constantly let his daughter get away with bad behaviour, I became harder and harder on her, it was like a vicious circle, the more I picked on her, the more her Father was overprotective, we had a big talk last week, I had to explain to him why I did it, he expected me to be Mummy when it suited him, so I've told him Im Mummy all the time, I also demanded respect from them both, I was one day from leaving them, my main point was that, I felt to disprespected and frustrated, as he constantly let her get away with things, he understood why I did it, we talked it all through and decided to start with a clean slate for everyone, it sounds as though something similar is happening in your house, if you can't be respected in your own home, then something is very wrong indeed. Yes you could try to disengage, but is this going to make you more respected in your home, I don't think so, your So needs to hear some home truths.

Oh, the topic of who comes "first" is near and dear to me.

When SO and I first got together, he said his kids come first for him. I was good with that because the health and welfare of my kids comes first for me. What happened though, is that in his guilty dad avoidance of real parenting, he was misguidedly putting the WHIMS and superficial wants of his kids first. We eventually had a blowout where I ranted about the differences between a child's well-being and a child's petty whims. He finally got it. Honestly, sometimes I think people say their kids come first only because they think they are supposed to.

My other argument about who is "first" is this: The love for a child and the love for a spouse are two entirely different things. They do not belong in a comparison against each other because they are apples and oranges. Many other languages even have completely different words for the two types of love. In my opinion, both can be a priority.

Last, you and your FSH need to lay down house rules and consequences you mutually agree on. Even "normal" intact families have to do this. Step-families don't have the market cornered on differing parent styles, but it sure adds to the conflict. I'd suggest a parenting book (like 1-2-3 Magic) and some discussions while not in the heat of the moment. Meet in the middle somewhere and if both adults in the house are consistent every time, SS has a shot at catching on.