BioDad on the verge of meltdown
Biodad - married for 20 years. wife left him 2 and 1/2 years ago. He is 43 yrs. old and raising a 19 yr old son and 16 yr old daughter. Me - girlfriend of almost 2 years. I am 50 yrs. old with a teenage son. Biodad has been living his life between two households for almost 2 years. He spends all weekend at my house and weekdays at his house. His daughter and son don't want to come over to my house because I don't have internet. And the 16 yr old daughter is a cheerleader whiner who tells her dad to fuck off whenever she doesn't get her own way or he doesn't give her money.
Biodad says last night that he doesnt need anymore conflict in his life. We never fight. We get along really well. But he has been really moody lately. He cant afford to buy his son car or give daughter money. So he is taxi driver for both and takes his son to technical school and daughter to work. He says he is exhausted because he also drives everywhere because he is a plumber. He took me to dinner last night and since he never opens doors, I jumped in front of him as we walked through the door and giggled saying, "you held the door open." I really was just kidding around. He went ballistic and dinner was ruined. He said he doesn't have to put up with any more conflict in his life and went home.
I buy his kids dinner, helped his son go to technical school and drove him, took his daughter to doctor, cook dinner, and try to be involved in his family, movies, aquarium, halloween, birthdays. But I am not their mother,and he is not my husband. He helps me fix things around the house, goes to park with me and my kid. Should I just try to stay away more, to give him downtime? He says he never wants to get married again. I do want to get married but not till his kids are gone. He lets his son smoke and drink alcohol in house. He lets his 16 yr old girl get on pill, and run around streets wearing slutty clothes and she is never home always spending the night at her girlfriends houses even during school. He is emotionally and physically exhausted and now is taking it out on me. Any advice?
Biodad says last night that
Biodad says last night that he doesnt need anymore conflict in his life. We never fight. We get along really well.
Give him some space. He'll be back after he deals with the "conflict" in his life.
"He says he never wants to
"He says he never wants to get married again."
"I do want to get married but not until his kids are gone."
The man is telling you never wants to get married. If you're looking for a husband, it's time to move on.
His kids aren't as bad as most their age. His daughter is going to school and working. His son is in college.
Making sure his daughter has birth control is a smart move.
The two of you have different parenting styles. Keeping his kids away from your home is another smart move.
I wholeheartedly agree. Give
I wholeheartedly agree. Give this guy space. It's got to be very depressing for him that he can't provide like he thinks he should and he doesn't want that to hold them back, so he does all the driving.
Are there alternatives you could suggest? Such as, could the son ride a bus to technical school? Ride a bike, move in with friends closer to the school?
He does sound very worn down. What if, instead of doing wifely/motherly type things, you focus more on girlfriend type things, like spending time alone with him, cook dinner for him if you feel so inclined - giving him a space in life where the two of you enjoy the time you spend together as a way for you both to relax and recharge. Activities that are enjoyable but not necessarily financially demanding - movies at home, candlelight spaghetti dinner, rambles through a nice public park area - stuff like that. Just whatever the two of you enjoy doing and is a relaxed, leisurely time.
Ok, as for the every weekend away from his kids - that daughter is a bit young to be leaving unsupervised every weekend. She probably spends a lot of time with her friends, since she does it during the week too, but for her to know she has every weekend fully open to her is probably not the wisest parental decision. A lot of parents put their teen daughter on the pill, better that than a teen pregnancy which would really put your SO right over the edge.
Another point, honestly, is if the wife left him 2.5 years ago, and he jumped right into the next relationship, he probably has spend very little time mourning and dealing with the demise of that relationship. Maybe he doesn't even know how.
And, last point, he's a ripe candidate for midlife crisis. He's at a point where he may be realizing certain dreams and goals will never come true, he lost his family of 20 years, and he's just got a lot to deal with emotionally. And being a guy, that's probably not his strong suit.
Be patient, be encouraging, don't accept poor treatment. Be sure to keep your own tank filled with love and positive things from other sources, as he probably doesn't have a whole lot to offer you right now.
Tell him to stop the over
Tell him to stop the over night visits to your home and stay in his. Go on dates if you wish even a tryst if all the kids are gone somewhere.
If it seems he's not interested in seeing you at all then by all means accept a date from someone else who seems interesting and maybe find another interest.
At this point he's not going to marry anyone and indeed should not and there is no reason for you to hang around hoping he'll change his mind. When all the kids are grown maybe he'll reappear and be ready for a relationship.
A tryst, a rendevous... lol u
A tryst, a rendevous... lol u made me laugh today
Thank u for all of the comments. I will ponder each one and wait to see which course to take. Thanks for all of your time and consideration. Any future comments are also appreciated.
My .02 He never gets doors,
My .02
He never gets doors, "The JOKE" and the fact he went Ballistic...
I find this is something you truly want... Your man to be Chivalrous...
It's not too much to ask...
And
After a 20year marriage, that she left him, with two kids that are as you describe them.... "PILLS"...
There may be a REAL reason she left, not saying she didn't play a role in all of it... But
Doesn't sound like he wants a real (Loving)relationship...
And HE MAY not be ready for one...
Only if YOU are going to be accepting of all HIS wants and none of yours...
My thought is...
Plenty of fish in the sea... start dating others..
and see if he UP'S his game...
And any child who disrespects their parent will respect NO ONE...(Ben Franklin)