SD invited DH for a Father's day dinner alone
The saga is dying down a bit. DH only had a few mini breakdowns over my disengaging with SD lately. Yesterday, she invited DH over for an early father's day dinner since we will be away this weekend. Of course I wasn't invited and DH chose not to stay for dinner - he came home and cooked dinner for me instead. SD did mention the nice pie she had for DH and when DH told me about it over our dinner i said, well if she bought you a pie why didn't she give it to you to take home? He just looked at me and I think he realized that she wouldn't want ME to eat any of the pie so he was not allowed to bring it home. What a bitch. Anyway, the cards she bought were sickening too. One from the Gkids and one from her. The one from her was like a book about how she is so much like her father, "like father, like daughter" was the first line i think. I felt like puking when I saw it but mananged to NOT say anything. This was a huge step forward for DH to NOT stay for dinner at his princess's house without me and also to not go on about how our family is being torn apart because of my disengaging. I have also lined up a marriage counselor who will back me up on the issues and try to get his head back on straight - like it used to be.
Oh and Step-aside you were
Oh and Step-aside you were right. As soon as DH thought I would actually leave and he would be in a very poor financial situation and lonely, he has started to back off and try to be a better husband. Not trusting it totally yet, too soon to tell, but there is a little bit of hope to salvage our 22 year marriage.
After disengaging, I told SO
After disengaging, I told SO he is allowed to spend as much time as he wants with his daughter32, without me. I too experience nausea and dread when I have to see her. She is narcissitic (and I think psychopathic). I would rather go to the thrift store, or coffee shop, or read the newspaper, etc versus seeing her. Seeing her always involves her giving me the creepy eyeball. The creepy eyeball involves her widening her eyes, and looking deeply into my eyes, without blinking, kinda like she is trying to get into my brain. In other words I am happier entertaining myself versus entertaining her.
"I said, well if she bought
"I said, well if she bought you a pie why didn't she give it to you to take home?" Good for you!!! Like you, as soon as it dawned on my DH that I was seriously ready for divorce of a 20+ year marriage, he wanted to discuss the issues rather than handling it with the usual denial and accusations. And I DO believe the financial ramifications had an influence on his decision to work things out. It has been a year and 1/2 now since disengagement and our relationship has improved greatly. I feel somewhat sorry for DH because SD has not communicated with him in any way during the year and 1/2. I do not go out of my way to discuss SD with DH but like you, I no longer sugar coat SD's thoughlessness as I did in the past. I do not feel I owe it to her to rescue her 'image' anymore. When he makes excuses for her because she does not return his calls or acknowledge him on his birthday or Father's Day I simply state a fact as you did, then let him figure it out. 20Year, I hope the best for you. It appears your DH is realizing that SD is not playing nice, intentionally excluding you - and he knows, as my DH did, that it is wrong.
When we disengage there is going to be a certain amount of resistance to change on the part of DH. Life as he knew it will never be the same. The longer the disengagement goes on, DHs seem to see that even though their relationships with SDs are not as simple or as rewarding as in the past, and they may begin to see a side to SD's that they were not willing to admit existed, the relationship with the person they live with every day DOES get more simple and rewarding. Just hang in there and good luck.
SD invited H out for dinner
SD invited H out for dinner alone too. I'm actually quite relieved! It is rude but you may want to be glad you don't have to be there.
Good for DH! I haven't got
Good for DH! I haven't got the background, but you mentioned the therapist could try to get his head back on straight? Did he used to be more on your side? Just curious.
Hope it keeps being positive for you guys!
Hi instantfamily, Yes Dh used
Hi instantfamily, Yes Dh used to be on my side for most of our years together. She wasn't quite as nasty back then either though so we all got along. What I am realizing now, is that she was nasty for many years I just didnt know it. I was blind to it. DH must have always had to smooth her over but never at my expense. Last 3-4 years have been hell since DH started colluding with SD to "make" me be different to please SD - not going to happen - EVER. I told my DH this too, I am who I am and if she doesn't like me then there is nothing I can do about that.
Good for you for putting him
Good for you for putting him on notice. It's amazing how one kid or the other can convince their parent that YOU need the changing. You're a strong sounding lady- stick to it!
It is unfortunate but husband
It is unfortunate but husband is where he needs to be. Sometimes one has to divorce their parents, children or both.
I'm wondering if anyone has assured this woman that her inheritance is assured? Perhaps a living trust giving his house or share of it to her after you have passed to re-marry - that sort of thing? Assuming she is going to inherit from him.
When I faced open heart surgery we sat the kids down and explained the mechanaics of our trust which split our mutually owned home between them via a living trust. The trust gave the surviving spouse the right to live in it until they passed, married or moved out.
That living trust idea may
That living trust idea may work for some people but frankly ALL our assets were built by BOTH of us. We have been together since SD was young and DH was broke. I HELPED build our financial foundation back up and I do not wish to live on my own if in case DH passes with a restriction of not being able to move or sell any of OUR assets. She is not going to get the reassurance she needs because she is greedy. If she was a kind caring person I would love to reassure her about an inheritance. But is is NOT HER inheritance, it could be anyone's inheritance. There are 2 other children involved - our BS and another SD who is not near as much of a problem as the older one. It is not HER right to inherit just because she was born. Sorry, I do not agree with that at all.
Agreed. My SO mentioned he
Agreed. My SO mentioned he would like to put me in a life estate. LMAO. Our assetts are about equal, so I would never agree to a life estate. I said to SO, "If I predease you, a life estate would be fine. If you predecease me; The following scenario would happen; No doubt it would be raining the day of your funeral and I would come home to find all my clothes thrown out the window, onto the driveway. Daughter of SO has a history of stealing my clothes.
Good on YOU for pointing out
Good on YOU for pointing out the glaringly obvious fact why sd didnt allow DH to take the pie which she bought for him! Sometimes men refuses to acknowledge passive aggressive tactics, because they are sly and can too often be justified.
Yeah right, thought that pie was DH's gift for Father's day not a gift riddled with strings! ALL of these things that sd is doing and you point out, WILL soak into your DH's brain gradually. You are handling it perfectly, this is EXACTLY what I did with my DH and his family, his kid when they pulled spiteful stunts towards me. Confronting DH did nothing, he just excused it and was red faced angry with ME for daring to slight his precious family by pointing out horrendous behaviour.
Thing is, like your DH, mine was used to dysfunctionism, he thought it was normal and although some things he didnt particularly like he just endured them and wanted me to do the same. Like you I did just that, but enough is enough.
So when someone was horrible to me, I would point it out really nicely "DH I am confused as to why SIL did x. It was really disrespectful towards you too as I am your wife."
In this situation your sd gave a gift and then took it away again. You pointed this out and now your DH is mulling it over. She is slowly but surely digging her own grave, as she is continuing being a cow even when you have taken yourself out of the equation. Now YOU cant be the problem here because you are uninvolving yourself, so any actions sd takes is only hurting her father.
I would continue doing what are you. When sd does something nasty, point out the obvious really calmly and quietly to DH. It will register.
Good luck with the counselling!
Hi SA, Thanks for your
Hi SA, Thanks for your thoughts. I always love reading your posts. They have helped me grow stronger tremendously. My SD does not have a degree in anything though - I think that is someone else's SD. My SD is a stay at home mom with way too much time on her hands.
Would just like to chime in
Would just like to chime in here: my cousin (age 57) has a SD(37) whom she has NEVER met. Cousin was "the other woman" and became pregnant. She and her DH have been married for around 30 years and have 2 bio-kids together. Afore-mentioned SD is a clinical psychologist! A very manipulative and damaged clinical psychologist!
Yes, a lot of my coworkers in
Yes, a lot of my coworkers in the mental health field are there to work out their own stuff or to make themselves feel like they're more 'normal' than their clients. Please don't assume we're all manipulative and damaged, though. Some of us try to get those folks out of the field because we recognize they are messed up and hurting rather than helping.
I know you didn't say that outright- but most of us are good people trying to help others.
Ha ha what a small minded
Ha ha what a small minded spiteful woman, I would be laughing my head off, she really does put alot of effort in trying to bother you, the fact that Dh came home to cook your meal says it all really, that should make you really happy, it is in your power to stop this woman bothering you, laugh at her she is pathetic, wah wah my Daddy not yours, I know how crazy a step child can make you, I am on a new path now that means I will not let myself get stressed or bothered by her annoying mother and you know what its working, the more effort I see her make to annoy me the more I laugh.
I know JaneyC - I can almost
I know JaneyC - I can almost hear it in my head - my daddy, my daddy! Stay away, wah wah. Oh brother. I did enjoy the fact that he said no to his SD since that would have left me home alone after working all day. He typically cooks supper since he is retired, so that was more important to him that day. Kudos to DH. Baby steps.
My daddy, My daddy, Stay
My daddy, My daddy, Stay away...Leave my daddy ALONE. Note the mantra of every princess-daughter (dauther wife) includes the word ALONE. Daughter-wives are in competition with the significant other of their father. Daughter-wives always want their daddy to be ALONE. It does not seem fair or reasonable that these insecure,manipulative pathetic daughter-wives will even resort to sabotage of the relationships their father's enjoy to keep their daddy's alone, and hence lonely.
I loved this! Father's Day is
I loved this! Father's Day is not being celebrated in our home this year b/c I told DH that I was done being the one to orchestrate it. SD24 and SD14 are more than happy to be invited over for the day to swim, hang out in the pool and let Daddy stand at the grill & cook for them. I'm not putting it together anymore! He said the last thing he wants is to stand around & cook for everyone on the one day that should be HIS to do what HE wants.
So I sent SD24 a text saying that she needed to get with her dad and figure out how he'd like to celebrate Father's Day.
I told DH that maybe his daughters might want to just take him out to eat (without me) and that I'd be fine with that. He said he wouldn't be fine with it....that he wasn't putting up with any triangulation. If they don't want me around, then he won't be part of it either.
We'll see....I'm not yet convinced.
Good on your DH for not staying for dinner. And, yeah....she couldn't send a freakin' pie home with him??? Really?
Pffft.
i understand the pukey card
i understand the pukey card thing very well. sd made one for fdh a few years ago at Christmas, and it was all about how she has been and always will be daddy's little girl. uh, no. she has never been a daddy's girl. they don't have that kind of a relationship. he isn't close to her at all. she seems unable to accept that she is not the apple of his eye. she tries to convince everyone that he just adores her. he doesn't.
a few weeks ago, she sent me a nasty fb message and i ignored it. in her impatience for a response from me, she kept making herself known to me by commenting on an old post. she did it twice about 45 minutes apart. the post was about something i said that fdh laughed about because his warped sense of humor twisted my words. she commented about how she is just like her dad and has the same sense of humor. the next comment was the same thing reworded. actually, they are nothing alike. if he was anything like her, i would not be with him. i don't know why it's so damn hard for her to accept that they aren't 2 peas in a pod. she's always trying to find some way to make sure i dont' forget that she is HIS kid. like i give a shit.