Don't beat yourself up, you are not even CLOSE to the only one who is annoyed by their skids. Everything my skid does annoys me, and i have zero bond with him in any way. I feed him and get him drinks and tie his shoes, that's about as far as our relationship goes. he tries to engage with me but i just have no desire to engage back. i can't help it, it is what it is. your disengaging is a form of self-preservation, so you don't snap at the kid or WORSE, tell your husband how you really feel about his kid....

Don't feel bad, I feel the same way about my SS5. I can say that I love him, in the Love Thine Neighbor kind of way. I want what's best for him, I take care of him, but beyond that he makes me want to pull my hair out most days. Even just the way he looks at me makes my skin crawl, which is probably weird but he is a strange kid. He is n't your child, and to feel for him the way you would for biokid would be very difficult. I read in a book that building a functional unit out a step family is akin to cooking in a crockpot or slowcooker, it isn't like popping something in a microwave and out you have an instant family, you have to mix the ingredients and let them cook together slowly, as long as it takes, until everything comees together. And as we all know, sometimes what we cook doesn't come out right, so it maybe that some of the ingredients never really come together. Its just part of life.

First of all, yes a lot of us don't connect with our skids. Don't feel bad about it. DH can do what he wants, but he can't make you engage. Just like you can't make him parent properly.

there are a lot of things that your own child would do that wouldn't annoy you, but when they aren't yours it will. Its pretty normal.

There's no need to tell DH anything. Just act like its normal behavior and there is no reason you are doing any disengaging. You aren't disengaged You are letting them have time together, you are getting things done that you need to, you are... etc etc. There's no need to make a big deal of the disengagement. Just find ways out of interacting as you have been. Eventually, he will stop. SO used to do this to me with SD. Always trying to find a way to get us to engage with one another. FInally, he realized that she and I are too different and he's been leaving me alone.

Yours will too eventually. Just keep acting like all is normal.

and DO NOT worry about what a child will think about what you as an adult does. Your decisions are yours and DHs. I'm pregnant now and no I did not care how the kids would react even though SO did.

It's nearly impossible to be more connected to a kid who irritates you. I'm to the point where I can't even stand the first sentence that comes out of 7's mouth because IT.WILL.BE.BABY.TALK. The bioparent doesn't usually understand this. That's THEIR problem!

Don't get pregnant until you've considered this. Its natural and instinctive for most women to want to nest. To make a home which is safe and happy for all. Part of that tying together of a couple is a mutual child. So far so good. But when the marriage doesn't work out you're tied together as you already know. Don't add another binding to yourself without serious consideration.

Then don't. Really. Don't.

As for the step-kid take the blame and hold your ground. I.e. tell hubby that you just don't have feelings for children other than your own. You don't want the step kid to know this of course and solicite his help in making sure your feelings aren't obvious. Explain that its just not in your nature and its best if you don't try to fake it.

"They already have a mom, even though she's a nutjob, I don't want to take her place in their lives"

This is basically what I told my hubby when I stopped being so involved with his daughter and he called me on it.

I told him,
"She has a mother and I do not want to step on anybody's toes (really didn't give a shit about her toes) and she is here to spend time with you, not me." He couldn't argue with that.

I agree with the majority here that it's extremely difficult to love a step as your own.... I think I was able to tolerate and "love" my SS before I had my own child, but the minute I gave birth to my DD the entire universe changed for me and it's even more apparent now that I will never be able to love him like I love her....but I shouldn't be expected to....he HAS a mom of his own, and whether or not she does the same things for him that I do for my DD are not of my concern... DH has chilled out on the comparing and even commenting on what I do for DD because my reply back is simple - HE HAS A MOM and I'm sorry that she sucks, but YOU picked her!!! I waited to have my children until I was ready, and didn't get knocked up after dating someone for a couple months....which was the case with them....basically, the way I view the whole situation is this: he has his own mother, she loves him as I love my DD, and she and DH are responsible for him, as DH and I are responsible for DD. I would never expect someone else to raise my child, that is my responsibility.