He's treats me different when his kids are around...is this normal?
I've been with my boyfriend for 1-1/2 years, living together for 1 year. We typically get along just fine, normal issues here and there, but overall, we're good together. However, when his kids are with us, he treats me very different. He is short with me, will scold me in front of the kids like I am another child and does not include me in on any decisions that he's made.
He has two kids, 13 y/o girl and 9 y/o boy, they live 14 hrs away, only gets them Thanksgiving or Christmas and the summer, so this is my 2nd summer with them. I love these two kids like they were my own. His daughter and I had built a relationship through text and phone calls since the month he and I started dating. It was slightly awkward with his son when summer started last year, but after two weeks, he hugged me and told me he loved me. The kids have NEVER been the problem.
I've tried to give him the benefit of the doubt last summer with his actions as a month before the kids were set to come stay with him for the summer, he got really sick. Was in the hospital for 2 weeks, had to have lung surgery and was on IV antibiotics for 6 weeks after the hospital, then pills for 6 months after that. Due to the IV meds and his recovery, he asked me to move in. We had basically been living together anyways. He was so distant, emotionally and physically. He was not like that before he got sick. We went days where we would only say 5 words to each other. It was better than him scolding me like a child over nothing. Once the kids went back, he was still very distant and rude to me until November when he started getting back to the way he was with me before he got sick.
We had the kids for a week a Christmas, so it was very fast and we had to work in so many different things, seeing people and such. I didn't think twice of him putting his focus on the kids because that is who I was focused on.
Which brings us to now. He picked up the kids and brought them home Sunday. Since then, he's been distant again, emotionally and physically. He's already scolded me like a child in front of his son and did not tell me that he OK'd his daughter having a friend spend the night, also inviting her to come with us to have dinner at my parent's house, until she walked in the house. He gave his daughter the OK on Monday for Tuesday night, so why didn't he tell me Monday? I am not asking that I be asked for permission, I would like to informed before a child walks into my house for the night. He talks to the kids constantly and will play games and stuff with them, but won't say a word to me other than Hi.
Is this something that is normal for a man to do when his kids are around? I feel like I am a stranger in my own home and I don't like it. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to handle this? I don't want to spend the next 2 months like this again. Last summer was miserable.
No it absolutely is not!
No it absolutely is not! After illness some people can become withdrawn and depressed, however if his behaviour is ok when the kids are not there than that is no excuse, he could have asked you if it was ok for them to come to your parents house thats basic respect, its your home too you have a right to know whats going on, I've just given up on my bf, there is no respect so Im packing tomorrow, life is too short to be unhappy all the time, I hope things get better for you soon, I think you need to have a talk with your partner about respect, you owe it to yourself, the more you let them get away with something the more they will do it.
Interesting - I've never
Interesting - I've never heard that complaint before. Since its obviously related to his kids presense I'm going to venture that he's feeling pressure creating anxiety which he takes out on the only person he can. The one who will take it - at least for now.
You certainly cannot be "scolded" in front of the children and if you didn't deserve it you cannot be scolded even in private.
First lets go to Amazon.com and search for "step father" and get him a book on being a non-custodial or weekend father. If he refuses to read it or nothing changes then I think professional help is in order.
If he won't go then go alone and hope that requests from the counselor will bring him in for help. A good one will amaze you with the insight they have and should have the two of you out with solutions within 2 months. If not find another because you're being taken for a financial ride.
If not solved this will get unbearable after you marry so don't do that until it is solved.
Yes good advice, it sounds
Yes good advice, it sounds like this lady has a kind heart and is not getting the respect that she deserves.
I did not speak to him at all
I did not speak to him at all Wednesday because of his behavior towards me Sunday - Tuesday. I know that really sounds childish, but I have found that it is the best way to get through to him. He is not a "lets talk about it and come to an agreement" person. So I have found that I get through to him by saying my peace about how I feel and my issue, then withdraw from him. In that time, he thinks about my position and adjusts his behavior or is then ready to talk about it. Never says he's sorry directly, but does it indirectly which is annoying, but it was the way he was raised.
So when I got home last night, I wanted to see what clothes the kids had because I was going to the store that evening. He followed me, telling his kids to stay in the living room. Hugs me hard, tells me he loves me, his eyes saying he was sorry.
We'll see how he is going forward. I will admit that once I've made my point, he does adjust his behavior and tries harder to not do what has upset me before. I want him to enjoy his time with his kids because he does not get that much, but I also want him to remember the relationship that he and I have and continue to build it as well instead of pushing me away.