glutton for punishment?
Please cyber slap me. I'm considering going to step grand kids b-day party because I don't want to appear unfamily oriented. Problem is I can never get to interact w/ step gkids (3,5) anyway (ss and H play w/them) and I end up with MIL and Step DIL who were hateful to me for years. I want to go just to prove I'm not what they say and so it doesn't look like I'm cold hearted to the g-kids. Please keep in mind SS, SDIL and MIL all took me out 6 months post baby (i was exhausted) and said over and over to g-kids..."she (me" is not the g-ma, She is!!! (pointing at MIL who is great g-ma). This was when I had a newborn, in a state 1000s miles from any family and had major post partum.
I won't get into the lies, harsh and frequent criticism and gossip about me. Why do I want to please these people.
I disengaged 6 months ago and hate the thought of taking it on on Gkids thought I won't spend time with anyway.
Can anyone give me sage advise?
When I play with ss and
When I play with ss and grandkids ss backs off. It's like his special rare time with my H and the kids. Once I tried to play with kids and my MIL angrily piped in "women don't play with kids". I'm one of 5 in 4 yrs who wrestled w/brothers etc.. I feel like I take away time from ss playing with kids if I play too.
My H would like me to but
My H would like me to but also doesn't want me to because it upsets me.
I have read your relational aggression piece and it really resonates with me.
The ring leader admitted it and it would be the first time I've seen her since. That is part of the reason I want to go (though I don't desire a relationship) is to show her I don't hate her. She agreed with me however (and didn't blame me) when I said I was backing off family events. The problem is she really has a hard time not returning to meanness and I doubt her change of heart would last long.
This is a good reason to go.
This is a good reason to go. I really will spend little time with them though, I never have. ss dominates the time and it's precious to him. I've tried to play with them in the pastbut this has always seemed to be viewed as my taking away time from little brother play time in ss eyes (I think, he's not said it but he seems disappointed). The one time I did, ss was disappointed and MIL angrily pointed out that "women don't play with kids". It's not worth it to me.
I've been where you are.
I've been where you are. Going never went well for me. It only gave them more to gossip about and believe me, I was the PERFECT guest.
They would LOVE for you to come. It takes their minds off their own inadequacies.
I know you want to try. I know you have good intentions. At some point you will throw your hands up and give up. People like that don't change. And you will stop caring what they think.
As for your relationship with the gskids, I don't see how you will ever have one with their parents being rude to you. Maybe you can have them over without the parents, you know, to babysit?
We'll never babysit, they
We'll never babysit, they have a built in babysitter with DIL's mom (they live with her) and nearby sisters. I babysat once, however, and loved it. We are about to move across the country so I will have little relationship with them.
I'm sorry you went through this too. It really is about them and not us.
Yep, you're probably right.
Yep, you're probably right. I really don't care much what they think. I just don't want them to later say that I didn't care enough to come to the grandkids. They'll do something to that effect anyway.
Thanks for all your great
Thanks for all your great advice. I think everyone has good points. I'm a little torn though instinct says "don't go", esp just to prove I care about g-kids when I won't get to spend time with them anyway probably for the rest of their lives (see below). Also it's awkward b/c I don't want to be called g-ma (maybe mimi) because I was told in no uncertain terms I was not grandma except for one christmas after my ss finally married sdil. My punishment, prior to that, was that I wasn't g-ma because sDIL wasn't "wife" and great gm (MIL) is neurotically possessive of the term g-ma. I just don't feel like g-ma at 42 yrs of age with a 4 year of my own and after having been told I wasn't g-ma by MIL, sDIL and possibly ss (though ss was the one who voluntarily called me gma to begin with).
This IMO is a unique situation.
a) I never have had much of a relationship with step grands because I was told I was not the grandma to them and SDIL would literally have them pass me at events to thank my H for presents (which I bought of course) "Tell grandpa thank you"
SDIL, for the past yr before I disengaged, has tried to avoid us so we rarely see them. I haven't seen them probably for almost a yr because of SDIL avoiding us and then my disengagement.
c) This is the first birthday party (they live close) we've been invited to in 4 yrs (my H went to one 5 yrs ago and was treated rudely by DIL and her mom because they blamed him for my ss not wanting to marry DIL. Guess what.. DIL's mom had 4 kids with 3 different men, nothing to do with her choices I guess). DIL always invited my MIL. Finally last year my H. just texted her and asked if he was invited (I was out of country). She was embarrassed and said "of course" (day of the party btw).
My H actually took his son out and said the right thing to do was marry sDIL but ss apparently really didn't want to because she was so problematic. We still thought he should b/c of kids involved. Ss already made his bed so to speak, he would never leave the kids or want another dad in their lives anyway, he's not that type. Ss is basically a good man.
Now that ss is back in town (he was in military training) and they are married, we are invited.
b) I never even spend time with sgrandkids at events b/c ss loves my son and his kids getting together and dominates the time. I find this enduring but it leaves me with the women who have triangulated against me.
c) The women in H's family would generally never come see to H and I alone because they love to triangulate (I was always trying to please them previously).
Now this BD party is the first thing I might attend and SD is flying in with her H (who hasn't come in 2.5 yrs but suddenly shows when I pointed out to her "how would you like if everyone talked about your H (like they did me) for not coming to something").
Thus it bugs me that SD flies out to Sgrandkids b-day almost like a united front with other women.
c) SDIL did apologize for being a mean for 3 years, admitted it had nothing to do with anything I'd done but all to do with her past abuse (I was just as abused so this is a little hard to hear as an excuse). Still, she has a history of apologizing and repeating behavior so I try to stay away from her though I truly forgive her (I forgive them all, just want to not be part of this family).
d) This is the first time I will see SD or SDIL since I disengaged from family 6 months ago (now SD is flying down). 6 months ago when I started (first time) to tell SD how MIL and sDIL treated me for 5 yrs (MIL for 5, SDIL for 3) and started to cry ( I never cry) cut me off and said she basically didn't care. That was my last conversation with her except for an email in which she apologized (because my H talked to her) but this was after I found out she described the conversation (in which she interrupted me crying) as me yelling at her for an hour (I Never yelled and we talked for maybe 20 mins).
e) Lastly I am moving within 6 months (likely across the country). Thus, a part of me wants to go to the party because I know this will be the last thing I will probably go to and even though the grandkids won't know I'm there practically, it can't be said I didn't care about them. The problem is, it will likely be said anyway. And based on past experience, I know full well that kids across the country (and I will be disengaged likely for the rest of my life with his family) will not be close to us anyway unless strong effort is made on both sides.
f) my brother (did not plan it this way at all, this was correlated with a conference) will be in town. This is his first visit here in 6 yrs. I could bring him but I was also planning on going on vacation with him possibly. This would be very helpful for me on the one hand but it could mess up this rare and meaningful visit with him.
My brother would not at all appreciate how they treated me. Much of what has happened never would have to this extent if I had had family of my own around. I moved here knowing no one and had a new very, very difficult baby within a yr and half of marriage. I was pretty vulnerable and was told what a non family person I was over and over, apparently because I had no family of my own here. I moved from across the country so it's not like my family could drive to see me though they did fly in now and again.
You're all right really, no easy solution. Stepaside,I really thought it was interesting what your friend said to you. They all know that I was treated poorly. They will know when I don't show that it is due to the way they treated me. I keep trying to treat them as if they were innocent accidental jerks. The truth is, they know and they will know why I won't come if I choose that route.
also there's one more thing
also there's one more thing my going may cause. Since I'm moving across the country I really want my H now to do all the relating (via a plane ride ) to his family. I no longer wish to spend time or money to see them. If I go to this last thing they may feel the freedom to start visiting us (I don't have it in me to go and be mean, formal maybe, but I'm not the rude type). As it stands they all know I am disengaged and I want to keep it that way.
Biggest mistake of my life,
Biggest mistake of my life, trying to be part of a family that clearly didn't want me to be a part of their family.
I continued to try for 8 years despite DH's children pretending I did not exist, and this may be of interest to you, DH had one grandchild at the time, he was 9 when I first met him. Guess he had been involved in a lot of family discussions, because over the 4 years we saw him only at Christmas well a week or two before Christmas to get his money, and dh's son would never even ask him to say thanks, the boys mother would ask him to say thanks, but only to my husband, never to me. So, I can honestly say in that 4 years that boy spoke NOT ONE WORD TO ME.
It won't make any difference whether you go or don't go. Unless they themselves want you to be part of the family, you never will be. So why put yourself through it. It hurts when your DH's children hate you for no other reason than you are their father's wife, but if hurts even more when little kids are brought up to hate you also. So as I said, why put yourself through that. If your DH wants you to go that badly, he will stand up for you and demand respect from his children and grandchildren for you. Unless he does this, you are beating your head against a brick wall. Sorry, but my experience, the harder you try, the longer you try to be part of a family that doesn't want you, the more you get hurt, the deeper the pain. Do what YOUR HEART tells you to do, do what you feel in YOUR gut is right. Do not do what you think will please your husband. Marriage is a two way street. I now realise I spent 8 years being abused by my husband's children because I wanted him to be happy and see his kids, but, what did he do for me in that 8 years, well, he let me be abused, ignored and humilated by his kids, that is not a marriage. I have put an end to this, I will no longer have these people in my home and I will certainly not go to theirs. I am no longer a doormat for them and never will be.
Please listen to your
Please listen to your instincts. You have disengaged. You are moving soon. You do not want them to feel welcome to start coming to visit you across the country and bring their rejection and drama with them to your new home. Your husband can see them on his own. He can go to this party on his own. Spend the time with your brother. Do not drag him to this ambush. You have clearly listed all the reasons not to go. Listen to yourself.
I wish I had listened to my gut. I went to the SGkid one yr party. It was full of the S in laws and outlaws. Literally, the baby's daddy had beaten up the SD while she was holding the baby and now they are separated. Yet she wanted this big party for all the family so the kid would get lots of presents. Very uncomfortable being in a room with so many people who did not really want to be around one another. And the BM (ex wife) to boot! I stepped outside to get some air and decided not to go back in. I did not even say goodbye. Long history already of rejection and rudeness from the SD anyway. Later on the SD said all kinds of nasty things about me to DH about how I was rude to everyone by not talking to people! They never talked to me before anyway. Fact is I never should have gone. I went to support my DH. I shouldn't have bothered. He sat like a bump on a log and didn't talk to anyone either. And when his criminal 29 yr old daughter moved in on us with her cat the next month straight out of him bailing her out of jail ; then he proceeded to throw me under the bus and not defend me or our marriage as two of his three DD'S launched their hate campaign against me. I did nothing to deserve it but stand up against the jailbird and telling her I would not tolerated her immediate bad disrespectful behaviour. Long story. Anyway. Point is I should never have gone to that party. These people will never be part of my family. And I do not want to be in their crazy dysfunctional drama of a so called family. Maybe when your DH gets it and stands up for you agaiNst them you can attend a function. But until that sincere apology comes first. Why bother? And you have already been outright told you are not a grandma to these kids. You never will be. I have a friend who has young children. Her 2 yr old that doesn't talk much yet is a better conversationalist than any of my three Skids. I love her children as I would a grandchild. I love my DD 's daughter who is my grandchild. She knows who I am. My husband has a grandson 15 months and a granddaughter 17 months. The GS lives nearby but even before all the total cutoff for me drama started we hardly ever saw him. He barely seemed to know us. The GD 17 months lives farther away. She doesn't know us. Even when we visited the SD would be so possessive playing with GD that no one else could really interact with her. I knew long ago that I would not ever be accepted and allowed in those children's lives. Unless the SD' s wanted something from us like presents or free babysitting.
I will focus my time and love on my own family and friends from now on.
They will say whatever they want about me. But they are too cowardly to say it to me. They run me down behind my back to DH. He has lost my trust and respect due to his refusal to put a stop to it. He blocked the YSD text and phone for a while and she cooled off some. But already she is back to blaming me for not letting him babysit this weekend for both days 7-3 while she works. She tried to guilt him by saying some friend of hers would have to get up early to do it. Wtf. DH would have had to get up early to go to her place because she is not ever allowed in my home again. He never even told me about this. Saw the test msgs. Since he wouldn't do it she got her criminal sister to babysit. Arrghh. I digress. The issue is to go or not go to a child's birthday party. Only you can decide. But if it was me. I would not go. I would go out with my family(your brother in your case). And I would not spend one minute of the time thinking or talking about those people. And that is how to disengage. So best regards. Sorry for the long story. Late nights I get going on this when I can't sleep. Take care. And yes. You are too young to be a grandma anyway! I am hoping my granddaughter calls me Gran.
Thank you all for the
Thank you all for the thoughtful replies.
We are likely moving from this state after 6 years of being here. If I hadn't have experienced the full brunt of how mean some of H's family could be, I likely would have tried long distance to be the conductor between and H and family for years. I'm glad I can leave now and feel I did my best.
I'm a Christian and I will continue to pray for them and forgive them. It's so hard to understand why some of our H's families chose to take a relationship that could have been so mutually beneficial and just trash it.
Great article on forgiveness by C.S. Lewis, it's pretty pragmatic http://www.turnbacktogod.com/what-is-forgiveness-cs-lewis/
For those of us who struggle with understanding how to forgive and what that looks like, the above article has sage advise.
Thanks again for your words of wisdom and encouragement.
Re. forgiveness, a therapist
Re. forgiveness, a therapist once told me something I found very helpful. I am a Christian too, and struggled with absolute hatred for someone (an ex) who I felt had wronged me, because he did ha ha.
I said I have to forgive him, because God says so. But I just can't do it. I refuse to be around him and our mutual friends because of the way he treated me. So I am a terrible person who is not living the way God says I should.
And this therapist released me from that. She said forgiveness comes in its own time. If you die before you have reached some possibly unreachable point of forgiveness, God will forgive you as an imperfect human. In the meantime, it is healthy to acknowledge your own feelings, your experience, your VALUE as a child of God, and LOVE YOURSELF by protecting yourself. That was what I felt I was not allowed to do, but you are.
We can try but we are not Jesus Christ himself and don't have to be, because he already did that. So don't hold yourself to that standard when it is unhealthy for you at this time. Who cares what these idiots think of you, or what a child thinks of you? Who fights over stupid grandmother titles, I just really think that is asinine!!! and totally ego-driven.
Children can only be pawns of their caretakers, and once out from under their influence, they may be drawn to you or at minimum make their own opinion of you based on their own truth and reality. You can only reach the child now to the extent you are allowed to by their caretaker (hello bitter BMs and I guess even stepGMs?! good grief!!). So just accept that and love yourself and your family.
So go or don't go this time, either way really won't make a difference imo, so do what is best for YOU. I hope you find some peace in this!!
If C.S. Lewis is right, his
If C.S. Lewis is right, his definition is actually somewhat attainable. It's a daily, quite possibly without affection, realistic assessment (what they did was awful) of resisting resentment and bitterness. And perhaps, quite possibly while feeling the strongest feeling of hate, praying for them anyway. Praying that they turn to God
For the record, I am unusual in that the BM was never a problem, it was the MIL. She acted like what many describe the BM. She was very jealous and critical of me. She had a big influence on Skids.
Here you go "SMACK"!!! You
Here you go "SMACK"!!!
You say "I don't want to appear unfamily oriented."
You don't have to PROVE anything to any of them. You are FINE just the way you are! Yes, you have imperfections - WE ALL DO -but you still have a lot to offer - but not to people who can't appreciate you, and want you to jump through hoops to prove yourself to them.
I say you should not go. You don't HAVE to go, you are choosing to go. Don't be led by that voice that says "but this time it will be better/different".
If you have been disengaged for this long, why re-engage now? Have all of them suddenly changed? It doesn't sound like it.
If you do decide to go, DON'T TAKE ANY CRAP! Have a signal with your DH that if it gets to be too much, he will IMMEDIATELY leave with you. This may mean you are only there 5 minutes, but that is still long enough to hug your grandkids, and tell them you love them.
The wedding I went to with my DH (his sons wedding) I talked to NO ONE who had been disrespectful to me in the past. I smiled, ate, danced, joked with my husbaned, and we left.
I spoke to people who showed themselves to be "safe", and we actually had a decent time, despite all the "undercurrent of drama" going on in the background.
But a wedding with strangers there you can use to run interference with is different than an ALL family gathering.
I suggest you read "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. A very good book.
Good luck.
Thanks, I needed that
Thanks, I needed that
Someone mentioned that book to me several times tonight and then I came on here and saw your post. I think I'm going to have to get that book.