Connecting with a Step Child
After skimming the site I feel like this is the first place I can honestly and fully discuss my concerns without fear of judgement and with some hope of receiving some help on the matter! I'm dating a guy that I'm everything but positive is the one I want to marry. The biggest thing that has me doubting...is his kid. He's a recently four year old boy with a shaky past and bad listening/behaving skills. He's biological mother got him taken away from her for her drug use. My boyfriend is now the legal guardian, permanently, and has plans to adopt him as well. To make things even MORE complicated, my boyfriend is also going through a divorce so in addition to a biological mother this young boy also has a step mother already! The biological mother sees me as a blessing in all that I devote to him. (Until college starts up again I stay at home with him and I am his teacher and caregiver all day long.) The step mother/soon-to-be-ex-wife usually thinks that I'm basically awful.
In addition to not really being sure where I'm supposed to fit as a mother figure in his life, he and I just don't click. I've yet to come across anything significant that we have in common. He's all about cars, crashing, digging, dirt and racing. I couldn't care less about any one of those topics. He just plain never makes any sense to me. He blurts our random stuff that has nothing to do with anything. It's as if he genuinely doesn't understand the purpose of communication. It's clear to me that he's craving attention and dying for acceptance. He says all the time that he wants to be a good boy and often you can tell he's trying. Still, he throws unbelievable fits, whines like a two year old, bangs and bashes his toys, plays at nap and bedtime and talks back.
Even when he's well behaved I somehow still have issues with him. I can hardly ever bring myself to want to play or have fun with him although I hold him and love on him semi-regularly. He just annoys me and drains me. I wish I could explain it better than I am...
I have babysat several kids in my time. I have a younger sister I helped raised (I'm nine years older) and I've done years and years of Vacation Bible School where I was in charge of a group of children by myself. I have also helped my mother raise two small foster children until they could go back to their parents. This boy is only the second child I have ever met that I simply don't connect with and who annoys me to almost no end. I always used to want a large family. Now I'm questioning whether I even want to have children. I'm quite near desperation. I want a real connection with this boy. I want to love him the way my boyfriend does. I don't think I can say yes to a marriage proposal without that.
This is a very damaged child
This is a very damaged child if it got to the point that he was removed because of drug use and if primary carers have changed as often as it would appear. In those cases, behaviour often is as bad as you describe.
I would say the first thing his dad should do now he is the permanent primary carer is to get him fully medically and psychiatrically assessed. I am no expert but the behaviours you describe could, if abnormal, be based on the adverse effects of drugs whilst in utero. He certainly sounds like there is a social communication disorder there too, so, again, a carer would want him checked out neurologically for ADHD/ASD/etc.
IMHO at the level of need he is displaying, he needs a full-time non-working caregiver until he is in school. That really should be your BF, not you.
I don't get why BF is adopting a BS. Is this normal procedure in your jurisdiction?
I don't think you will start to love this child for a long while and I also think that's perfectly normal and reasonable. You can't make up for what the primary carers in his life have done to him in a very long while. Personally, I would suggest you not try. It sounds brutal of me but the BPs really are the ones that should be making it up to the poor little soul, and if the BM can't then the BF should. Not you. You really sound like a kind wonderful person but, you should not protect your BF from the consequences of what your BF has done to this child.
The biological mother is in
The biological mother is in rehab and seems to be showing some improvement. Both her and the stepmother/soon-to-be-ex-wife are a part of his life but we live three hours away from them so it's not entirely possible for them to be a full part of his life. We live father away so we can go to the school we want. He's not his biological son. Maybe I wasn't real clear there. It's his cousin's biological son. He and his wife (at the time) raised him because his cousin was into drugs. Now that he and his wife are going through a divorce he is left raising the son on his own but now with me to help. I realize it may take time to truly love him as a son or as anything but it's important to me that I feel that love before we agree to marry. He is wonderful with him but he does work and has to continue to work to support us until school starts in the fall (although there has been talk of some ways he could quit sooner). The reason I'm the primary caregiver right now is cause I chose to be. My job was killing me with my poor health (I'm getting better) and I thought the extra time would help me bond with the boy that my other job was simply not allowing because of the awkward hours I worked.
It seems that you are on your
It seems that you are on your way to being honest with yourself about the situation and the decision that you must come to, but that you are holding back because you are afraid of what the truth really means.
You mentioned Bible school, so I will go out on a limb and make the assumptions that you are a woman of Godly faith. With that being said, PRAY about what God wants you to do, where he wants you to go, and whether or not this is the family that He has created for you.
Just bear in mind that He may already be giving you His answer, which is why you have no peace with the situation.
You didn't mention your age and since you didn't share that you don't have children of your own, I'm going to make another assumption that you don't have children of your own. With THAT being said, I'm concerned that you're a woman that has had comfortable and loving experiences with children in her past, yet this is not a comfortable and loving experience with this child. And that you are questioning whether you even want children of your own because of it.
Please take a step back and really, really, really listen to what God is telling you. Be HONEST about EVERYTHING:
1. Does this man treat you with respect?
2. What type of father is he really? Is he actively involved or is he passive? Does he take on all of the responsibilities that he should for this child, or does he pawn those responsibilities off on you?
3. How does he respond when the ex treats you like pooh? Does he establish and enforce proper and appropriate boundaries around your home, your relationship, your role in the family, your role in his life?
4. Why are YOU the stay-at-home and teacher for this child? Why has everyone else foisted that responsibility on you?
5. What are the REAL issues that caused this child to be taken away from his bio-mom? Are you familiar with the whole story?
6. This child is experiencing developmental and emotional problems and most likely will need significant professional help. Are YOU prepared to give your life over to that? Do you even know what that means, or what those types of sacrifices really look like? Are the people who are actually responsible for this child at all concerned with his behavior? If they aren't, can you sit idly by and accept that you can do nothing to change their minds and accept that you have absolutely zero control and/or input into how this child is actually raised?
7. If you were to proceed forth with the relationship to marry this man and have children of your own, what will the dynamics of the family be like? Will everyone be able to get along? Is every day going to be a battle?
Choosing to be a step-mom is a big, big, big decision. I entered into my marriage knowing the answers to most of those questions. There are some that I *thought* I knew the answer to, but was wrong. Most importantly, I tried my very, absolute hardest to be honest with myself. And I prayed, a lot. My DH and I also went to pre-marriage counseling at our church to get the best guidance and advice possible about how to have a successful marriage.
We aren't perfect. After all, there is a reason I'm on this site. BUT, I do believe that we are better prepared than some. And I do know that one day, the SKIDS will grow up and move on with their lives and that even before then, BM will completely cease to be relevant at all.
You've come to the right place for support. There are a lot of really great and really strong women on here.
In my profile it says that
In my profile it says that I'm Pagan. I probably could have said it again though. I even did some Vacation Bible School teaching while being Pagan, though most of it was done when I was a Christian. Either way, I am very religious and I have sought my answers in that way. To answer your questions...
This man treats me with great respect. It greatly saddens me the way his soon-to-be-ex-wife walks over him and manipulates his feelings. He is a genuinely good guy. He's one of the greats.
He never pawns off responsibilities on me. He is a wonderful father, if occasionally too lenient in my opinion. We regularly talk on any changes we believe we should make in the rules and we both stick to them. We have each others' backs when we lose our tempers. Furthermore, he adores spending time with his son. He is always playing and teaching him. He definitely has active involvement.
The ex doesn't directly "treat me like poo" except for one occasion and I honestly don't know what he did about that cause it was a facebook message so it's not like we were all together. I still think he sees her in a light that disallows him to see her faults. He's not very confrontation-oriented. He sorta just lets people handle their own ordeals and doesn't interfere. I think the only thing he does with her in relation to me that might be understood as standing up for me is that he talks with her about how good I am with their son and he does avoid going to personal in any regards so that that part of our life is our business and not hers.
I have chosen to stay at home with the boy. It's only temporary until college starts again with the fall. I had to quit my job for health reasons (I'm getting much better) and we simply couldn't afford daycare anymore without my salary. I also believed, and still believe, that this time can better help me connect with the boy.
He was taken away for her involvement with drugs. She has a long history with drugs, rehab and jailtime. She is currently staying with her mother, is in rehab, and appears to be doing somewhat better. She and the soon-to-be-ex-wife/stepmom speak with the boy every night on the phone and we visit them at least once a month if not twice a month. (They live three hours away.)
I am familiar with the psychological needs of children. I was such a child and I minor in psychology as well. I have no problem with that being a part of our lives whatsoever. I think it's healthy for all children to undergo some psychological examination as we all have our problems and the more we understand the shortcomings of our children the better we can help him. Much of the boy's family thinks he is perfectly normal and have the "boys will be boys" attitude. Some of them don't discipline them at all and some discipline them too much in my opinion. Still, his father and I have similar beliefs about how to raise him and although he was strongly opposed to seeking psychological advice at first, (I think he was disillusioned just because he is his child) he appears to be coming around to the idea. I think he was just defensive at first. Although we haven't picked out a psychologist or made an appt I think that we are moving towards that and I'm trying to be as gentle about it as possible to continue us moving in that direction.
I don't intend to marry him if I feel like every day is going to be a battle. He is a wonderful father and we are a wonderful, well communicated team. I believe that his son may always need special treatment because of the scars of his past but that's okay with me. All children are different. I just want him to be better behaved and I'd like more of a personal connection with him though I would settle for more of the former. If we did marry I'm still unsure of how I want to see myself in terms of his son or how I want the boy to see me. I don't feel like I can be a mother since he already has two! At the same time I don't think I can just be a friend either. It may seem silly but I feel that defining my role in relation to him is necessary because it will help me define where I am in his life. As far as the rest of his family we would continue to maintain regular visits just as we do now and as far as having more children we'd raise them just as we do him and I may just have to deal with the fact that I may be closer to my biological children than I am with him. Still, should that be the case, I would then have to determine how to control that because I wouldn't want him to ever feel like he's less important or less loved. He's a good boy at heart and we've had a few moments of genuine connection. I just want to bring those out to the surface so that it's more than a "once in a blue moon" occasion.
You've gotten a huge amount
You've gotten a huge amount of advise here and all of it seems well based.
I can only add that if there is any doubt do not marry this fellow. Things only get worse after a marriage. BF may be counting on you to do most if not all of the work despite his current actions and words.
You've got to ask yourself if you're willing to dedicate a large part of your life, to the detrement of your biological children if you plan any, to this kid. Especially when most of what is put into the kid is going to end up a waste of time and money. I see a long stretch of heartache.
He has been a single father
He has been a single father for several months before I came along. He has always been an active father and I couldn't change that if I wanted to. I will not marry him unless I have a "satisfactory" connection with the boy. He and I have already discussed this and it's what we both want before marriage. I really don't think that my time and energy in raising this boy would take away from my other children. I've been in large groups of children before and even when there were special needs or misbehaved children in the bunch I was able to divert my attention pretty effectively between all of them. Thank you for your comment and yes I have had time to think and some interesting responses as well. I still think that it is in all of our best interests to seek a psychologist's opinion on some better child rearing techniques to help us get his special needs under control and to help us work together to build a smart, well behaved child.
Perhaps you would benefit
Perhaps you would benefit from some quality time, if you took him to a play centre or a picnic, my SD hated me at first, she spit in my face, tripped me up and hit me, I took her to picnics, bike rides and farms, I found out what she liked and went from there, I also bought her some toys, now I don't believe in buying a child's affections, but when I bought fairy lights for her castle, the tide turned, she's still not that well behaved but she does love me, I know its not easy and anyone not in your situation just won't understand, this little boy is lucky that he will have you in his life, tell ss that you are there to look after Daddy and him and that you want to make him happy, when he see's that your company is nice and he trusts you, you will be far more likely to start loving him, it took me a year to have those feelings for sd, I thought things would never get better, I agree with you that a professionals help would be sensible in this situation, you are right that you should only move in when you are sure that everyone will be happy, there are so many people on this site including myself who should have waited before moving in, things may get to the stage where this little boy dos'nt want you to go home, he wants you to stay with him.
Oh now we are already living
Oh now we are already living together. We perhaps took that step a little quick but it does seem to be working out for the most part. I meant saying yes to getting married. Also, he loves me and tells me he loves me all the time. The issue is not with getting him to like me. I actually had a breakthrough the other day, I feel. Instead of yelling at him or smacking his fingers when he's bad I just quietly take toys away from him or put him in time out and ignore him. I didn't realize it til the first time I really did it. Usually we both talk to him in time out: "Why are you misbehaving? Big boys don't whine" and the like. Now we both ignore him entirely and things make more sense now. He throws absolute, unbelievable fits when he's in time out. He just wants the attention! He's too young to realize that it's good attention he wants and that he should be good to get it. He just wants attention period and is too young to really divert that energy properly. By ignoring him when he throws fits it has helped me not have so much anger in my heart and honestly have pity towards him cause he really subconsciously feels that's the best way for him to get what he wants.