DW's latest "head in the sand" moment
Good morning fellow Step-Talkers,
For those of you who have followed my postings, you know that up until recently, I lived with a pretty typical "step-daughter from hell." She's very similar to many of the skids documented on here: lazy, entitled, lousy student, pot-smoker, secretly dates gangbangers, etc. A few months ago her whole facade came crumbling down when her father discovered that she was smoking pot and dating gang-bangers, and also cutting 5-10 classes per week. For one extraordinary moment, DW pulled her head out of the sand, and realized that SD17 needed to go live with her father. He is a stern authority figure (unlike DW, who is a classic "friend parent"), and SD17 respects him, so DW realized that SD was better off with him.
Neeedless to say, the last few months have been great, since I have only seen SD for a few minutes. DW's stress level is also starting to drop, since she doesn't have to deal with SD on a day-to-day basis.
However, there are still significant concerns about SD17, even though she doesn't live here any more. In my mind, the biggest of these concerns is the possibility that SD17 will get herself pregnant. DW is totally in denial about the possibility of SD17 having sex with boys already. She just "can't imagine her doing that." Now granted, we don't have any hard evidence of this, but we didn't have any hard evidence of the pot use until SD pissed in a cup. For my part, I am fairly certain that SD17 is already sexually active. As everyone here knows, teen pregnancy can have a devastating effect on young women, and will often cripple their life prospects for many years. I have repeatedly encouraged DW to at least get SD on birth-control, but she just won't follow through on the necessary steps to accomplish this goal.
After repeated requests by me, DW finally asked SD17's pediatrician about birth control, who said that SD17 would have to see an OB/GYN. DW told me about this, and I assumed that she would follow up with an OB/GYN. When this hadn't happened after a few weeks, I ask DW why, and she screamed "I'm working on it!" I was a little taken aback that she would get so angry so quickly. I reassured DW that I am trying to help, and just want her to take steps that will protect the two of us from SD17's potential bad decisions. DW remained angry, and just said that I was "courting trouble" by even talking about the issue, and that by "dwelling on it," I would somehow increase the chances of SD17 getting pregnant. DW thinks that I should just drop it, say nothing, and hope for the best.
My question for the peanut gallery is this: Am I out of line, expecting my DW get SD17 on birth control? I know that this is a highly emotional issue for DW, and that she doesn't want to think that her daughter is having sex yet. I also know that she just hopes that it will not happen if she doen't think about it. However, I do not think that DW really understands what a cripling effect a teen pregnancy would have on us. SD17 would expect us to pay for everything, and also to raise the child. This is a future that I really don't want to face, and I want to do everything possible to prevent it. Am I in the wrong here?
This ^^^
This ^^^
And if or when it does
And if or when it does happen, you can say "I told you so"
I'm not sure "I told you so"
I'm not sure "I told you so" is enough consolation to make dealing with a pregnant SD and possibly raising a new baby worth it.
Hi Paul, glad you've had some
Hi Paul, glad you've had some calmer space and time. Sounds like, in the greater context, they typical pattern of your DW's - head in sand til bigger energy than she can deny wallops her out of it. Like she can't control it but can give it over to bigger solutions. Then there's the so very highly charged issues of a bd becoming sexually active - that will inflame any unresolved personal sexual issues a mom might have (or have buried). I had a lot of issues like this as an incest survivor, trying to find a neutral grounding to safely raise my daughter informed and responsible took a lot of therapy and work for me. So that at least when she decided to get busy, she knew enough to get herself to planned parenthood first. All that to say - the sexuality issues are probably hotter than any preceding ones you've faced w DW. You've made your point, she's had her reaction - give it some space. For now.
I get where you are coming
I get where you are coming from, but like every parenting issue we have run in to. IF the child is irresponsible and the parent doesn't want to force the issue, there's not much us steps can do.
It sucks, but all you can do it leave it alone. When, and I do me WHEN, she ends up pregnant, its on DW and her. NOT YOU.
I'd just tell her, DW you are right. Whatever you think is best for SD regarding BC is up to you and her. Whatever the consequences of that decision are also on you and her, not me.
I'd just make that clear. I have dropped statements every so often like that with SO. Nothing nagging or too engaging. Just showing MY boundaries. He needs to know these things are not my problem. I imagine my SD16 will end up pregnant. I can tell she is keeping even more secrets from SO and playing innocent with him. Its so obvious to me, not to him though. If it is obvious, then he's avoiding and in denial. Which is where your wife is right now. In denial. If she avoids the issue, it won't happen.
I think that's what she was
I think that's what she was saying, though. Yes, say something to the parent. But if the parent doesn't do anything, as a step parent, there is nothing Paul can do. Paul did say what he thought. He can't take SD to the doctor. Nor can he make DW listen to him. He said what he thought, she's got her head in the sand, SD may well end up pregnant and will make her life very difficult (and the lives of Paul and his DW) but even though he sees the train wreck coming, if no one heeds his warning to get out the way, all he can do is stand back and watch. It sucks, but that's life as a step.
Sorry Paul. We all know you're right, so vent away.
I think sorryilovemydogmore
I think sorryilovemydogmore summed up better what I was trying to say. I realize what you are saying too, but the real problem is you can't control others and you can't do anything medically for her as a step.
All he can really do is outline his boundaries now and in the future. We can only teach others what we will tolerate. He really can only be clear that he will not be responsible or involved in a teenage pregnancy or raising of his DWs grandchild. Its not his burden.
He said his peace in prevention and mom just got upset with him. There is nothing more to be done from his end on this.
That is an excellent idea.
That is an excellent idea. But I expect there would be a lot of resistence to that from DW ("why do I have to watch this? Why do you think my daughter is going to wind up like this? How could you think my angel would do something like that?"). If he can stand the verbal crap he's going to take for the suggestion, maybe some of it will sink in.
That can work for some. MY
That can work for some. MY SD16 just thinks that show is "funny". Yeah real funny SD.
I think it's a good idea for
I think it's a good idea for SD to visit the OB/GYN. They can discuss with her birth control options. It's perfectly reasonable for a girl that age to get a Pap test, etc. But you can only do so much. SD, now 23, was on the pill but stopped taking it and during a drunk night with loser BF, got pregnant at age 19. It was actually a good thing as it made her grow up but she did live with lazy nonparent BM until just a few months ago. Since you feel so strongly about it, I'm make DW understand that raising a grandchild is not in your life plan so your marriage will be at stake should she wimp out on this one.
I am a firm believer in Birth
I am a firm believer in Birth Control. For me, I think of it as preventative medicine. It can prevent a teenager from making mistake that can make her entire future different, and much harder. It can prevent yet another child to be born totally unplanned, semi-unwanted, and left to grow up with a often difficult life with a family that is just not ready for it yet. It can also prevent stress to EVERYONE involved...and I mean everyone, if an unplanned pregnancy occurs. Birth Control doesn't mean she HAS to have sex, but is a great preventative measure (if taken n such) if and when she does decide to.....and for the record, for many women this is not a deep thought decision, it is a caught up in the moment, etc. one.
That being said, birth control alone is not the key, the key is to stay involved in the girls life, making sure she's got as much information as possible to make good decisions regarding her life and her future sexuality. Good Luck, and I hope your SO can understand that you are only trying to protect a young girl, and those of you who support her and are involved in her life.
P.S. I kinda know from which I speak a bit here. Have a senior in high school skid who is pregnant and due in a few months. If I let it, the whole thing can terrify me...
good luck
If her dad is authoritarian
If her dad is authoritarian and can see thru SD's crap, why are we assuming he hasnt taken her for birth control?
He thinks that this is a
He thinks that this is a "mom" issue. Of course, he has a wife too. Not sure why she can't do it.
I haven't read to the end yet
I haven't read to the end yet - but my suggestion was going to be to ask what YOUR relationship with the BD is like? He seems to be able to take control of the girl better than her mother is at this point, are you able to have a man to man talk with him about the fact that you are concerned for her future and feel that the issue of birth control needs to be sorted "before" she reaches the point of being sexually active (see "you are not saying - hey your kid is sleeping with everything under the sun, it's only a matter of time" - you are saying "before she becomes sexually active lets get things sorted!")
See if you can get HIM to arrange for her to see the OB/GYN.
She's 17. She may be on the
She's 17. She may be on the pill already.
"Hoping for the best" is what
"Hoping for the best" is what all those teens on "16 and Pregnant" were doing...
I'm against birth control personally. I feel that kids need to keep their freakin legs closed. But there is NO doubt in my mind this girl is sexually active and probably has at least one STD at this point. If the mom doesn't want to talk to her about this, I'm guessing she hasn't talked to her about it all along. Your only hope is that the father has her SO locked down that nobody with a 10 ft pole could get access to her. That's the best kind of birth control.
Sometimes having foresight
Sometimes having foresight and gut feelings about the turd hitting the windmill is a nightmare, as it can cause so much tension and stress waiting for the cow pat to hit!
Trouble is you cant force your DW to address this. You would hope she would having conversations about being responsible and also considering sd's recent antics making to clear that if she did get a bun in the oven. DW and you will NOT be supporting her and said baby. However DW is against it and you are causing your own marriage stress by riding her about.
My advice is to mention it once more as an opportunity to then be able to gently say to DW "I understand it is your choice whether to address this or not, however I want to make it crystal clear NOW as a preemptive measure that IF this does happen. I WILL NOT support sd financially or otherwise. I refuse to mop up the mess which has been made by others, who fly in the face of my advice and words of warning."
She cant say she hasnt been warned.
Parent goggles. My kid will
Parent goggles. My kid will never lie to me, my kid will never do things they know I don't approve of, my kid is too smart to get in serious trouble, and on, and on, and on, and on. No matter how many times they're proven wrong. It's totally maddening. Why do people forget what it's like to BE a kid as soon as they HAVE a kid?! We all lied to get away with stuff! It's normal, actually. The thing is to be the ADULT and deal with it, not pretend it's not happening.
You've done your best but it's true, as a step there's really nothing more you can do. If she gets pregnant, do not sign up to babysit and don't let anyone EVER make you feel guilty for it.
LOL - my OH wears those
LOL - my OH wears those goggles!!
I have 4 DD's - the oldest two are 19 & 22 - so I have been through the teen years twice now.... I have watched my angels turn into hellish demons.
He still swears that precious miss SD11 "is a good judge of character" "would never lie to me" (uh huh - only every time she's here, she blatantly lies to him all the time already!) "has good morals and will wait until she is an adult/married" (OMG!!!)
I just fall about laughing and say "yes dear, of course dear"