Hey Everyone-

First, I want to say how absolutely and entirely relieved I am to have stumbled across these forums. A little background on my situation. I'm 28, with no bio kids of my own and I'm in a committed non-married relationship with my partner (he's 39). He has 3 kids from his former relationship, 9, 14, & 21. His ex has primary custody of the kids (9 & 14) and the 21 year old lives with us half the week while he's trying to get his new job up and running. We met two years ago when my partner, J, was getting out his previous relationship. They were separated, dating other people, not living together, etc. I met BM, we got along ok at first. She wanted to have lunch, chat, be friends, blah. Then, everything changed when J went through a serious surgery. Because they weren't legally divorced, she claimed I had no rights to be there during the surgery, she demanded he recover at the house they co-owned (he didn't live there) and that I only be there when she wasn't around. It was the beginning of the end our she and I having anything amicable between us. She started talking badly about me in front of the kids, demanded that they never text or call me when they were with her and generally ignoring my existence in general. She started telling mutual friends that I was a "fling" and that J had changed since meeting me and didn't know him anymore.

I was devastated. Not that I wanted to be friends, but she knew the drill going into this thing, she had 3 boyfriends for Pete's sake when I met her. Now, it's two years late, and J & I live together and have the kids for 2 weeks of every month and we see them one standing night each week (at her house, long story). She still won't acknowledge me, except on the rarest occasions and calls J for the most annoying things. Her car breaks down, so she calls him at 8:30 am. WTF is he supposed to do? We live in another state and have I mentioned, she has yet ANOTHER boyfriend. It's like she just can't let go of the relationship that they used to have. J has told me that she "just wants to be able to talk, you know, be friends" but to me it seems way out of line. I would never call one of my exes to "just chat"...This whole situation is compounded by the fact the he still owns the house that she lives in. They're trying to sell it (he is anyway) and she just won't help do any of the things that need to be done to get it ready to go on the market. I'm convinced that the only way that she'll "get it" is when that house is gone and she's moved into a place that is all her own, but I still can't get through the daily nonsense. She texts and calls constantly to talk about random things, not just kid stuff and I'm not allowed to be part of any of it. My SD14 just got accepted into the National Honor Society (i helped her with her community service and encouraged her to apply) and I'm not allowed to go to the reception because BM is "uncomfortable". She tells J that she doesn't mind seeing him, but seeing us together, she just can't handle. Same thing for SD9's dance recital next month. I just don't get it. She'll take my money, my time, use me for a babysitter, but will not acknowledge me at all. I'm not asking for a thank you, but I'm just asking for her to respect that I exist and I'm doing good things for her kids lives. They're grades are better, they're eating real meals, they have clean clothes and shoes without holes, and SD9 finally DOESN"T have head lice (she's just a rotten mother honestly, totally wrapped up in her own world: bfs, friends, partying)...

It kills me every time we send the kids home to her because I know that the next visit will take 2 days of adjusting them back to our rules, limited TV time, eating at the dinner table, cleaning up after themselves...

I literally have know idea what I'm doing, but I feel like I'm doing the best I can. I give until I feel like my arms are going to fall off. I know how much the kids appreciate me and love me. I get the cuddles, the snuggles, the I love yous when they're with us, but as soon as BM appears, it's like I don't exist anymore. I know they're struggling with where I fit in their lives, but BM doesn't help the situation by talking so much shit when they're around.

I keep telling my Partner that I wish we could all just be adults and do what's best for the kids and he agrees, but he just doesn't have the balls to say to BM what needs to be said. I think he needs to tell her to Fuck Off honestly. She wants them to be "friends". They can be civil, cordial, friendly even, but the quasi-intimacy she's demanding just makes me feel like second fiddle. He rants about her to me when she's being completely crazy and believe me I understand and sympathize, but they when he talks to her, he doesn't say any of those things...

Ugh...I just, I wish I knew how to make myself feel differently.