CoParenting through Email Questions
Newly signed up for this site but I've been looking through posts on here for a while. Surprisingly my first real issue recently is as a BM, hoping I can still get some advice. I have a one and a half year old DD who has not seen her father since she was 4m (he left and made very little effort to see her) My ex is in the military and currently deployed. My divorce paperwork only requires me to send him one email update a month. I made lots of efforts to include him in her life but he can't even be bothered to ask how she's doing. I had him on my social networking sites so he had access to pics and day-to-day information about her, but he got verbally abusive and allowed his friends to do the same. I sent him pics, called him on a regular basis to let my 20m old talk to him on the phone (not that she knows who he is) and made sure to let him know about as much as I could. However, I am tired of the constant insults, cursing, yelling etc.
So, my questions: Is it wrong for me to really cut back to just the email updates? and what exactly should go into an email update anyways? She's young so there's no school or activities to talk about, most of her big "firsts" are past. I'm not really sure what to tell him about.
These problems started before
These problems started before he was deployed. I have great respect for what he's doing as a military brat myself but I'm not sure his deployment is enough of a reason to put up with the abuse.
I'd do the emails. Anything
I'd do the emails. Anything beyond that should be on him. Let him make the effort. Its your job to encourage your daughter to talk to him, etc. It isn't your job to initiate all that stuff.
I use only email
I use only email communication with my ex. He calls his daughter (4) on the phone, but I never speak to him. Before when I did talk to him on the phone regarding our daughter he would start yelling, cursing at me. He is also military. I send him pictures every couple of weeks unless he emails me and asks for more. I also send him her report cards when she gets them in. That's about it unless he asks me a question I leave him alone. Also all emails are forwarded to his chain of command because he was even abusing me through emails. So now I'm protected. Email is great because you have a record of everything that is said and done incase you ever end up in court with him. Blah!
I'm concerned about abuse
I'm concerned about abuse through the emails too but at least I can keep a record of it. I'm not even sure HOW to contact his chain of command unfortunately. I've been trying to find out because he sent me important health insurance and dependent ID paperwork 6 months late and covered in white out so they won't accept it.
Yeah he filled it out wrong,
Yeah he filled it out wrong, whited out the mistakes and expects me to turn it in as official paperwork on base...
((double post, oops))
((double post, oops))
I can try a journal but I'm
I can try a journal but I'm not sure how well I can keep something like that up. As far as why he isn't interested in a relationship with his daughter, it started as soon as she was born. He never wanted to help change or feed her, spend time with her, in fact when he was alone with her he was very neglectful. That was a big factor in our breakup. He went about 6m with no contact at all because he was too busy with other things. On her fist birthday I finally decided to call him and send a few pics but he still didn't make any efforts. It got better for a month or two but only during the time I was broken up with my SO and my ex was begging me to go back to him. As soon as my SO and I decided to give it another shot, suddenly my ex no longer asks about his daughter, became very abusive again etc. It makes me sad for my DD
I would give him updates but
I would give him updates but not expect a response, do it as though it's a chore, especially if it's in the CO. Other than that, phone calls are not necessary, and prodding him to ask about her is just asking for trouble.
The thing is, me and my FDH were on the other side of this, although form the sounds of it you're nowhere near as crazy as our BM.
She would send a huge email update, and FDH would at least have the decency to send a word of "Thank you."
She would get pissy about that, freak out saying he is ungrateful for the updates, that she just won't do them anymore, etc. Then he'd have to placate her and give her back a super long email detailing why he does want the updates and how grateful he is. Then she would shoot back and email saying he isn't, otherwise he'd ask questions about the development, how they are doing, etc.
After about 5 rounds of this, FDH, who had no desire to communicate with BM at all, called it quits. And stopped even bothering to respond--because ALL BM wanted was to have a conversation with FDH, and used the child as an excuse.
I don't think this is what you're doing, and you're just trying to let him be involved, but chances are the more you push him, the worse he will respond. Please, for your sake, don't, because although our BM we know is crazy for sure, you aren't, and don't deserve to be treated or misunderstood as such.
I haven't been pushing him,
I haven't been pushing him, stopped bothering with that almost immediately. I'm definitely doing the email updates I'm just thinking about stopping all the non-required things I was doing. I just wish I could figure out what to put in an email update about a toddler.
Does it detail what's
Does it detail what's supposed to be in it? If not, I'd probably give a minimal amount, and let him know if he wants to know more he can ask.
I don't know if you do, but I would refrain from putting personal info like "I am so amazed at our child because he/she did xxx." and go with
"Milestones she hit this month."
"Illnesses and problems she's had this month."
"We are working on this with her this month."
And attach a picture or two. I think that is already going above and beyond.
If it were me, I'd just put "She's fine, no major problems. If you have any questions or concerns please let me know."
Thanks, I especially like the
Thanks, I especially like the idea of telling him what we're working on with her. I hadn't thought of anything beyond basic health, developmental and behavioral stuff. He won't be getting pictures unless he specifically asks though, not required so I see no reason to send him any.
maybe he's being a arse
maybe he's being a arse because, its his way of pushing her away. and not feeling guilty for not being there. Id tell him once that you will contact him once a month. but so its not a wasted message, ask him to ask you a question once a month and you will reply.
If he doesn't ask don't answer. i bet all of a sudden he won't be able to stop wondering and thinking and then he may come to u
I don't think that's a good
I don't think that's a good idea. BM tried to get FDH to do the exact same thing, and FDH just thinks it's her way (which is true) to get him to open a dialogue with her and it made him close himself even more--because that borders on an attempt to control and influence what he does or does not do (requiring him to ask a question? he doesn't have to if he doesn't want to, and he doesn't seem to want to or he will). Her words were:
"Maybe you should ask questions about his development, how he's doing, so you are more involved. It's hard to know you care when you don't even ask.""
That was not received well. Uh, yeah, he doesn't want to have to talk to you (he probably hates you more than he has hated anyone on the face of this planet) more than is necessary and his mom fills him in on the details.
OP seems to be very reasonable and doing so could backfire. That's just waht my experience has been and I'm on the other side of it.