Hugs IAW we could be twins at the moment. I am at that exact point too, have left it about a week sleeping separately and taking no steps myself just as an experiment to see whether my DH will take any responsibility to discuss things. Nothing yet -- just the superficial civility, as you say. Perhaps unlike you, I've been ok with that so far as I need the time to recover quietly from the shock of events, but at some point I expect my curiosity will turn to the sorts of feelings you are having and my current plan at that point is to suggest therapy. But I'm not convinced necessarily that that is right. I too am very keen to hear further from others about what best to do re DH at this stage.

For 20 years I had played second fiddle to SD. All of her hateful behavior was completely ignored, I was imagining things. I disengaged a little over a year ago after SD's meltdown but looking back, it was actually more gradual than that. There were other 'episodes' where I told myself "no more" but the meltdown was the point of no return. I banned SD from our home, did not discuss her with DH, no more accepting BS and excuses, no more input or contributions to gifts - nothing. I also informed DH that if SD is to re-enter this house he will have to say to her, in my presence, that she is to respect me as his wife - and it's non-negotiable. It took a while for DH to accept that life as he knew it was never going to be the same. For a time I did not know if our marriage would survive but truthfully I didn't care. No marriage is worth the sacrifice of ones dignity and self-respect. I was disgusted with DH for not supporting me and, even after the meltdown, trying to justify SD's behavior. For the first few months he would even try tantrums and threats to leave but I stood firm and refused to go back to being a doormat. My response to threats: "Leave then!" or "Don't start" (another tantrum). The best thing I did was to continue to visit this site. It helps to keep things in perspective. I can not say everything is perfect in the marriage but it is a lot better than it was BD (Before disengagement). It will take along time to gain respect for DH because even though he has admitted, "No one should be treated like that in their own home", I still do not think he has the courage to ever confront SD. I do not care if or when he visits SD or calls her but an odd thing has occurred. Since I removed myself as the 'target' I've been replaced by DH. She is punishing and ignoring him with a vengeance. And this is DH's issue to deal with.

At this point you are wondering if divorce is on the horizon for you. The old saying about changing yourself first, then others will adjust is true. I made my own happiness my first priority and found to my surprise that DH's personal welfare was always HIS first priority. The odds are your DH will find it is easier, both emotionally and financially to make the changes to their way of thinking.

Hi I have only been disenaged for 2 months and DH was quietly accepting at first. He probably figured I just needed a couple of weeks to "get over it". Well I didn't get over "it" and he is now a raging lunatic, threatening divorce every couple of days, crying, throwing fits and so on. It is absolutely unbearable. I plan to see a lawyer and a therapist for myself to help me find strength to do what I have to do. DH's time is running out soon. If he doesn't stop with the emotional abuse, either he goes or I go. I think he should go live with SD and I told him so but he thinks I should go since I never liked the house anyway. It was the house SD was raised in too. Sorry this is probably not the answer you are looking for but in all honesty some DH's are so stuck on their precious mini-wives that they may actually divorce over it. That does remain to be seen in my case but my gut feeling tells me it will never improve to my satisfaction. Take care and stay strong.

Hi. I have been disengaged for about 4 years. I did not have to openly disengage though as my h's adult ss and sd both stopped talking to him first in an attempt to emotionally blackmail him into giving them money after h's mother passed away. They demanded part of h's inheritance. My h was not exactly happy when I told him that even if he and the adult steps worked things out that I was done. Since the house is mine there wasn't much he could say though. This did not become an issue though as the adult steps never worked out their issues with their dad so it continues today. Ss rarely talks to h and it typically has been adult sized temper tantrums over the last 4 years when he did. Adult sd calls 1-2times a year but makes no real effort to have a relationship and she has periodically also had adult temper tantrums when talking to h. Sd also called me last year and spewed nothing but ridiculous accusations, name calling and hatred. Sd in this conversation was furious with me because she ,ss and BM had only recently discovered that their attempt to blackmail h had ended up benefiting me since it allowed me to more easily disengage.

Both h and I decided that the adult steps did not need to be around our bio children together shortly after they started their emotional blackmail. Adult steps have literally made more effort to contact our minor bios behind our backs than they have to have a relationship with h. This has not been lost on h. My h also does not make much effort to see or talk to the adult steps or grand kids although he has always been free to do so. The adult steps and their mommy of course blame me for his lack of effort. When I ask him about it he says he dreads talking to them because of how hateful they have been.

Adult skids are furious about my disengagement and I was accused by sd of liking things the way they are. My h has said he understands. I have not noticed that the disengagement has resulted in removing me as the step adults and BMs favorite scapegoat. It seems obvious to me that they are mad at h but sd claims he is now a wonderful man that only doesn't do what the adult skids want because of me.

H may at times wish that I would continue to play babysitter and doormat to the rude step adults but after their horrendous behavior over the past four years to all of us he understands that keeping his first family apart from his present family is best. Besides I think the fact that he only bothers to call them a couple of times a year is pretty telling. If h doesn't make anymore effort than that I sure as heck have no obligation to do so after all the ugly things that have been said by them about me.

Disengaging I think always has its consequences and if you are not ready to accept the consequensces don't do it. I was at the point were I had completely had enough of SD's abuse of both my husband and myself, but moreso of my husbands complete and utter failure to do anything about it thereby for 8 years his silence only served to condone her abuse and in my mind he ultimately was encouraging it. Whatever, the end result of all of this was that 8 months ago the last straw was broken and I banned her from my home. Things were rough for 3 or 4 months, things are better now, but things have changed.

The change however is mostly because my attitude, I was really over DH allowing his children to humilate and isolate me and was quite happy to ban SD and send him packing with her. So, I guess in my case I had mentally and emotionally accepted that the marriage was over. It is not at this point, if things continue the way they are going it won't be, but if DH ever attempts to bring back to the old way of life, I would not wait 8 seconds let alone 8 years to end the marriage. It would be done on the spot.

I think disengaging is the only way we can save our sanity when we have husband's who point blank refuse to pull their adult daughters into line, who foam at the mouth at the very thought of their beautiful, can do no wrong adult daughters and who put the WANTS of these women ahead of the basic needs of their wives.

A second woman in the marriage never works, doesn't matter if that woman is a daughter.

So, does disengaging work, well I guess you have to look at it like this, if you are even thinking of disengaging then the marriage is already in trouble because if you had a loving supportive husband who was treating you with the love and respect you deserve and not putting the every whim of his daughter ahead of you then you would have no cause to disengage. Disengaging is probably just the straw that breaks the camel's back of a troubled marriage. But on the positive side, getting that drama and pain out of your life gives you a whole new sense of self, and it does start you on the road to getting back your self respect. By the time we get to disengaging our self respect has I think either taken a severe beating or has been totally erroded. It can also allow our partners to see that things really are serious and there is no bandaid fix, they cannot remain on the fence anymore and they have to decide do they want a wife or not. So, like most things it has it's pros and cons. It may make the marriage better or it may end it. You have to be prepared for the worst before taking the step. I think most of us who do it have already decided the marriage is not worth being treated like this by our DH's.

I am still in the marriage, things are calmer with no SD around, I found it a very hard thing to do, it was not my first choice, but ultimately it became my only choice I was becoming physically ill over all the nonsense. If I had to do it again would I? Absolutely, but I would give one warning then it would be done. No hanging around for years hoping SD would like me. That was the dumbest thing I ever did, well one of them anyway.

I think the elephant in the room for us, ItAlmostWorked, is the financial ruin. I agree with all the posters that disengagement often comes as an alternative to divorce. But divorce itself has both positive and negative consequences. In my case, I disengaged years ago and it was happily mutual for OSD, who continued to ignore DH as she had for years (believing another man to be her father possibly), but then last year, we finally moved to a very nice house where for the first time we and our 2 BS's have room to swing a cat. In a city where OSD might well like to work and live. As they say, go figure, OSD re-emerged. If DH clings to his anger and resentment and my disengagement continues to be met by his attempting to bring OSD into the picture, the disengagement would come at a horrific price to me and BSs because as another poster said, distance between us is non-negotiable. I suspect ItAlmostWorked that you have a similar price to pay by mentioning the word "ruin". I feel we have to be brave and say that financial ruin is possibly better than moral ruin. But I do feel that that added potential consequence has got us more by the short and curlies than the dilemma of DH/SD axis itself. Maybe the answer is practical, see a financial advisor, see a lawyer and so forth, consider options. I also like Augusta's idea of swallowing pride with a purpose. As to the posters who say that their DH finally saw the light or even apologised, was this apparent that they might do that at the start of the process ladies? For example I know that if my DH visited this site, he would have immense sympathy for all the other stories he read here until he got to mine and then that would be distinguished as not in the same category, exaggerated, not true, etc etc etc....

Good that you were able to be that open and honest with DH Augusta, helps us financial-ruin worriers work things through!

I'm a total newbie at it. It all hit the fan at Christmas when I didn't show. This led to questions, confrontations and official disengagement (along the lines of "I probably won't show up at family gatherings anymore").
It's actually really helped my marriage because I no longer rant about what his family did or has done. I feel a lot freer. I was entering into bitterness after years of trying to interact with consistently critical and angry members of his family. This was much more toxic to our marriage than disengagement. We are both much more at peace now.
I can see some signs of him feeling unsettled. Suddenly, he is clearly responsible for his relationships w/his family and for the first time the stress has shifted to him.
I have a unique dynamic though. My sd is a plane ride away now and my ss has never been a problem. The sd has done the huffs, puffs, rejecting and blame but not to the nth degree. Sd was much better than my SDIL and MIL. They were by far the worst culprits. They both took advantage of my position as SM. I would catch MIL whispering angrily to sd about anything she perceived I did wrong (and it was everything I did) that took H away from them. Sd felt displaced by me and my bs, sdil felt rejected by ss who didn't want to marry her (after a child)... it was a perfect storm.
SDIL has apologized and MIL acts like she has no idea what I'm talking about.
All in all though, it's much healthier. Oftentimes in the beginning of changes in family dynamics, people fight to get back the old order because it's what maintains their paradigm. They will get used to it through time. I suspect soon everyone will treat you better as well. Even if they don't, you are treating yourself much better and I think you will find increased sanity & peace.

IAW...disengaging worked for me, only because my DH saw his son's true colors one day. He is fully aware that his son is a complete nutjob. Like BM, like son.