Wife wants me to love stepson like he is my own
Stepson is 4, and we have a daughter of our own who is 7 months old.
This may sound mean, but I don't like the kid. I have tried to like him, but I just don't. He is not likable at all. He is extremely hyperactive, whines, is very rude and demanding, and enjoys hurting our cats (ie dropping rocks on their heads and grabbing their throats while smiling). I actually develop anxiety as the day goes on as I'm getting ready to leave work to go home. This anxiety goes away when he is at his Dad's house, which is every second weekend.
I love my daughter so much. She is so sweet, and quiet... you barely hear a peep out of her. She is a very happy baby, and I have learned that the boy was an unhappy baby. He would cry for hours at a time. He still cries at least once a day over something stupid.
My wife had two different step fathers, so of course she keeps reinforcing the fact that I need to be just like a Dad to him. She does think I'm doing a great job though. She wants me to love him, and I can't do that! I can't love someone else's child. I haven't told her this, as I think it would just be bad. As I said, I have tried liking him, but I just can't do that either. Even my mother can't stand him and said he is unlikable.
I just need someone to talk to, and this is the only place I can do it 
Exactly -- you cannot control
Exactly -- you cannot control your feelings, but you can control your actions. Just treat the child with as much kindness and affection as you can, and don't worry about codifying your feelings. And it's always ok to vent!
It sounds like we are in a
It sounds like we are in a very similar situation.
I can relate totally to what you said about looking at your girl and having different feelings to seeing your stepson. I just feel like a bad person, but I cannot change how I feel. I can't make that connection either. Any discipline or telling off is met with a cunning smirk by the boy, but I still do it because I want to raise my daughter properly, and it isn't fair to treat them differently, even though my wife hardly ever does any discipline.
I'm not mean to him by any means. I respond to his questions and talk to him sometimes, but for the most part I don't make any special effort to strike up a conversation with him, or play toys etc. It is so _hard_ pretending.
I will not leave my wife though, I love her and the thought of not seeing my daughter kills me.
Feel the same way. I refrain
Feel the same way. I refrain from using the word hate in reference to my stepson, but I can tell anyone that I definitely do not love him especially the way I love my own two kids! Not really going to apologize for it either! I didn't create him, I didn't neglect him and make him the way he is.
I totally get what you're
I totally get what you're saying. I cannot pretend to like SD9. She smirks, glares, talks back...you name it. I'm more than patient with her but I can't help that I love spending time with my own daughter but try to avoid SD as much as possible.
You can't force yourself to love or fall in love with someone. Especially when that someone rejects you or is a jerk to you.
You aren't a bad person for
You aren't a bad person for preferring your own child. This is totally normal and biologically imprinted into us.
I feel the same way. I do
I feel the same way.
I do not love, or even like, really, my 5yo SD. She annoys me. Mostly she's a typical 5 year old with an attitude problem, but I just can't like her. Some days I try really hard to pretend I do. Some days I don't care if she knows I don't like her.
I LOOOOOOOOOOOVE my 18month old. She just fits my personality better. She is quiet, independent, and doesn't scream in my face "LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT MEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!" I could hug her and squish her and play with her all day long.
My SS is like that, always in
My SS is like that, always in my (and everyone else's too) personal space, trying to be "cute" and saying "I love you"...cute right? After all he's only 5 (same age as my son) and cute as a button, unfortunately his vying for attn is always precluded by him acting or saying something disrespectful, he's smart enough to know that he's done something unacceptable so he then tries to be endearing - he gets this behavior from his BM, it's the ONLY thing she taught him, as she's a master manipulator. Nonetheless...it makes me want to wring is lil neck! My DH has told me that I'm my SS's Mom now and I need to love him the same way I love my own 5 yr old son, this is just a ridiculous request. Our kids are with us 24/7 my Ex and my DH's Ex r both deadbeats, they only see their kids when we send them to see them, so I NEVER get a break from my SS, plus we have our own 9 mo old son. I used to work full time at a career i've had for 20 yrs, however my SS has behavior and emotional issues (surprise, surprise) so I decided to stay home, even though it's tough financially. BTS - Any love between you and a step child can't be forced and it's unfair for our mates to request it. Every child has to know that they have a BP, and we can't take their place (no matter how crappy they might be - don't ever discount a child's parent to them, their BPs true colors will reveal themselves eventually) altho I don't love my SS "to pieces" I do discipline him (which is NOT easy - I had to start staying home becuz at 4, he would kick punch the Teacher and throw fits at school), keep our home clean, wash his laundry, feed him, and now home school him - just the same as I do for my 5 yr old Son. I don't know how to love a kid more than that. I won't ever apologize for how much I love the Sons that i carried inside of me! And I believe my SS's BM should feel the same. Just as any man who is a BF should love his own children. If we didn't love our SKIDS we wouldn't be with our mates. If our mates want to choose their kids over us, let them! Have fun when the kid is 18 and moves away (or worse, doesn't) or gets married and you're left with no one to share a life with! I hope people who make those choices are happy with them!
my ss8 is autistic and really
my ss8 is autistic and really is a kind, loving, gentle child. But I don't love him, I don't even like him. Just about everything about him annoys the shit out of me. Sometimes his teachers or physical and occupational therapists tell us "oh I just love ss8"....Fiancee truly believes that they do....I am smarter than that and know that this is what people say to your face when really deep down they are thinking, this kid is a royal pain in the ass. He has behavioral issues in school and often shuts down in his therapy sessions with o/t and p/t because his skill levels are at that of a 4 yr 9 month old and he's 8 yrs old. What is there to love about that when you are trying to do your job to educate, improve skills, etc? Fiancee has always been, and probably always will be, in some level of denial over this kid's issues.
I do my best to keep my feelings unknown to just about everyone except for here on these boards, oh and my mother knows. I would never in my life EVER reveal that to my fiancee though. but, i've learned that it's OK not to love my stepson. I provide him with food, clothing, education, take care of all his medical needs (and there are a ton), and he has a home now with a atepmother (biomom's gone, abandoned him at 2 yrs old ~ druggy) and 2 stepbrothers. My sons really do love him, and that's good for him. so he's gained 2 brothers and a 'caregiver' in our blended family situation. I've gained a fabulous fiancee, but the headache that is his son, with us fulltime.
My worst fear in my situation is that this kid's autism might prevent him from ever leaving my HOUSE when he's grown up. He's high functioning, but I truly can't imagine this kid ever being an independent adult
Hi. My son is HF autistic
Hi. My son is HF autistic also and I recently found out my husband (his stepdad) "can't bond with him & not sure if I ever will." I realize my son can be very obnoxious but smart at the same time. If my husband tells my son to do something my son sometimes replies w/don't tell me what to do. I admit his kids would never disrespect me like that & it would make me angry to no end if they did so I can't blame my husband. But it does still hurt though. Right now I'm working on trying to correct these behaviors my son has but it can be very difficult. Just keep your head up...you never know what the future holds. Good luck.
Totally same situation.. we
Totally same situation.. we have a two month old.. and I have a 9 year old step son. I keep catching him trying to mess with our baby.. but every time I look at him he acts as if he's not doing anything and acts like a perfect angel infront of his dad. Not to mention the fact we just got rid of our 4 year old dog because for some reason he bit the 9 year old.. well.. a dog doesn't bite without feeling threatened.. God knows what happens behind closed doors!!
Here is what I told my husband.. he is NOT my own, whether he needs a good mother figure or not, I will NEVER love him as much as I love my own child.. period. Sorry, but that's the way it is.. you did not choose to have your step child.. you chose to follow your heart and be with someone you love. Obviously they come as a package deal.. but you do not have to love the child the same.. nor should you feel obligated to.
Hello, I know how sneaky and
Hello, I know how sneaky and manipulative children can be, have you voiced your concern to your partner? It could be that your ss is jealous, I am so sorry about your dog, I agree that the dog must have been threatened to do that.
If you are in this relationship for the long term, I would suggest trying to get to know him a little better, I used to panick when my sd was coming over, she hated me at first, she made me suffer lol, I had to threaten to leave to get things to change, my partner treated her like a baby and her manners were non existant, she spat on me, tripped me up and other things. When I spent some time with her things got a lot better and I love her now. Now I just have the problem of her stupid vacuous mother. Anyway good luck.
Hello I have also just joined
Hello I have also just joined the site, thank God Im not alone, nobody seems to care about us poor step persons, everything is about the child, well I say what about us? I must say I went through a similar problem with my sd, whining and being treated like a baby, she is five and would wake us 3 times a night because she felt like it I soon stopped that lol, I think you need to tell your partner that he is doing his bd no favours at all, how will she cope when she leaves home for gods sake, as for manners, tell him that his bm will have better opportunities in life if she has good manners, I had to threaten to leave to get things to change.
If you ever need to chat I here.
Well I know how you feel, it
Well I know how you feel, it could be that your ss, can feel that you don't like him, I know that feeling of anxiety, when I got to know my sd better and made some effort she really warmed to me and things just felt a lot better, as for whining it drives me crazy, also learn to pick your battles, so thats my advice, try to get to know him better, as for his behaviour talk to bm about it before you get angry.
RED FLAG to all of you who
RED FLAG to all of you who see these children appear to be abusing animals! This is a huge psychological red flag and it absolutely needs to be addressed. Whether it's "dropping rocks on their heads" while choking them, or doing something unseen which would cause a normally tame animal to bite and snap. There is something WRONG here. Find out what it is, or the next "victim" may be the baby! One thing that many psychopaths have in common is animal abuse - and they start it young.
I feel the same way.... my
I feel the same way.... my stepson is pretty awesome, but I struggle with the fact that I don't have the same feelings for him that I do for my daughter. It makes me feel like a bad person sometimes even though I know it's biological and not a choice. My husband tells me all the time that he's my son too, but bottom line is he's really not. Glad to know I'm not alone with these feelings!
not liking steps and having
not liking steps and having spouses that expect you to is just the hardest situation to be in. I can't stand skids and DH pushing me makes me dislike him. We fight about it so I blame them. I am unhappy I blame them. I have to struggle financially I blame them. Nothing in my life would be bad if they were not around. I would not shed one tear...actually I would celebrate if I never had to see them again..or even if I had to see them once a year. Anything would be better than what it is now. I am actually on Xanax for when they are here to try and make it through the day. People are always saying " You are the adult make effort" You have to want to make effort and I don't want to, I don't want these kids in my life. Period.
I somewhat agree with not saying anything because once my DH found out how I truly felt it has been downhill. Unless you have a spouse who is willing to listen, understand, and work together then I don't know what to tell you. Being married to a person with children is an emotional roller coaster that someday I really hope to get off of.
I agree with
I agree with 2Tired4Drama....red flag BIG TIME. If he senses that you love the baby and not him, he may lash out at her next. Favoritism causes resentment. I understand your feelings, but I can also understand his, spending my own childhood with a man who did not love or even like me. And I didn't even torture animals. Me not being his was the only reason he needed. Don't make your animosity obvious.
I've come to accept, (with
I've come to accept, (with help from this site)
that it is normal. You hear people say all the time that they love their step kids as their own. I have to call bs. Maybe some of them do but I think a lot of people are embarrassed of their true feelings and would never admit to it. I don't love my step kid, no doubt that I ever will and feel no more connected to her than I do the neighbor kids. Just try to treat him nicely and leave the parenting duties to his parent.
When a man and a woman have
When a man and a woman have their own child, something happens instantly and instinctively when you look at your child for the first time. It is immediate, and unconditional love. My personal opinion is that this very natural feeling cannot be duplicated when a step child is there due to being part of a "package deal".
I have a son and a daughter biologically, and love them soooo much! I also have a SS and I really have no feelings for him that are positive. That's sad, sad for him, me, my kids and everyone else involved. However, anybody who says "Love my kids as if they were your own" is naive, foolish and living in a fantasy world.
Nothing against step kids in general, but there is no manufactured equivalent for the natural love a mom or dad feels for their child. That type of love is God given, and you can't simply meet someone, then expect the same results just because she had some other guys baby and you want to marry her...as I found out....
I have a 12yr old - very agry
I have a 12yr old - very agry and arrogant all the time, make matters worse i just dont love my step son - whenever i see him i feel like going to a different room. I dont hate but no bond at all
I have a 12yr old - very agry
I have a 12yr old - very agry and arrogant all the time, make matters worse i just dont love my step son - whenever i see him i feel like going to a different room. I dont hate but no bond at all
Its good to want. Your DW
Its good to want. Your DW needs to figure out how relationships work. Eventually you may accept SS as your own but .... it is not a sure thing and will depend heavily on your DW's own parenting and engaging you as an equity life partner and as an equity parent. If DW wont light that kids ass up for abusing animals then you need to do it if she wont. If she doesnt like it... she can step up and get it done before you have to.
IMHO of course.
Good luck. Make sure you are keeping a hairy eyeball on the animal abusing kid to prevent him doing the same to your baby daughter. If I were you I would not allow that kid near my daughter except under direct supervision by you. I am not even sure I would trust the wife to keep adequate oversight to prevent her prior relationship evil spawn from harming your baby.