I can't stand my SD and I don't know why...can't talk to anyone else :-(
Hi Everyone,
I'm new to this site...I feel like I have stumbled on heaven...after reading about other people's issues with their Stepkids, I don't feel so alone anymore...this is my story:
I am a stepmom to a six-year old. My biological child is also six years old (fun times - not!). My problem is that I can't stand my SD, and I seem to be the only one in my husband's family who feels this way...although my family can't really stand her either, and they see the same issues that I do. This little girl is sticky-sweet...one of those kids who just think that they are the cutest kid ever, and everything they do is "funny" and "cute". I think the problem is that at home she lives with 5 other adults. Their world literally revolves around her. Because of this, she is also extremely dependent on others...she can't even wipe her own butt, and her room ends up reeking because her pants and underwear in her laundry basket have poo all over them, and she just stuffs them in the laundry basket. I now refuse to do her laundry. She eats with her mouth open, says "pardon?" to EVERYTHING anyone says to her (even though her hearing has been tested several times and it is fine). She is also very sneaky...she acts like she is innocent of everything, all the time. My own daughter is very independent and smart. The SD is not. Whenever they get in an argument, the SD pulls the "baby" card (even though they are the same age) and will say things to get my daughter in trouble...I have so much I need to get out that I can't even say it all fast enough..there are so many things...I just can't stand this kid!! I will never feel love for her, I feel sick everytime I know she's coming over (tonight, yay)...I know I haven't given good examples of what makes me dislike her, but I feel like I've bottled it up for so long that now my thoughts are all running over each other trying to get them all out...sorry! I'm so sick of hearing about how "perfect" my SD is from everyone...she's NOT but nobody else seems to see it...she's so fake, and she acts like she's really stupid all the time (or maybe she really is?? I don't know! I don't know how a child her age can be so dumb, so I pray that she is faking). I know I sound really awful right now...like there is really nothing wrong with this kid and I'm just a mean B***H...but I can't get it all out, this is so different to be able to be honest about how I feel...maybe a couple posts would be better lol, I'm overwhelmed at this release. I refuse to do anything for her anymore...I'm not going to treat her any different from my own child. My own child can dress herself, wipe herself, wash herself, fasten her own seatbelt, get herself a drink...if someone doesn't make the SD more independent, she's going to have a horrible start in life. She crawls all over me and tries to get in between myself and my own daughter, whines, cries that she wants her Mom CONSTANTLY...pretends to be sick, talks baby-talk...the one thing I can say is that she's not mean - she's actually disgustingly sweet (which also seems put-on a lot of the time, and my family and friends have noticed this and commented as well). Has absolutely no mind of her own...she's like a Stepford kid. It's creepy. I fear that she will be a follower her whole life...she's so different from my daughter, and I feel bad because when she comes over she tries to (and succeeds) hog all the attention from my daughter. I'm so sick of her, I don't know of I can deal with her for the rest of my life...I keep trying to get my husband to move further away so we don't have to have her as often, and he's getting close to wanting to move...I'm disappointed in myself for feeling this way, and trying to cut her out, but she's affecting my life in a very negative way, and my daughter's as well....I know it makes me a bad person, but I can't help the way I feel 
I try so hard to pretend to love her, and be interested in her...but I'm just NOT. I'm starting to have a hard time pretending, and just find other things to do that don't involve her when she's at our house, or just go out somewhere with my own daughter and leave her at home with hubby...I know I would never be mean or nasty to her, but sometimes when she even sits beside me it makes my skin crawl. My resentment just keeps building and building, even though I try to talk myself out of feeling this way every day. Why do I feel like this? I don't feel this way about my own daughter, and I never would. Is it just a stepchild thing?? I know some people love their stepkids as much as their real kids...I wish I was one of those people, but I'm just not
Also, she has never lived with my husband full-time, she was the result of a one-night stand and my husband and her mother have never been together as a couple. I want to love this kid so badly....I love my husband and I want us all to be a family, but I just can't seem to even LIKE her...the more I try to push myself to spend time with her, the more I can't stand her. Why????? 
Obviously SD6 has been raised
Obviously SD6 has been raised in an environment of guilt, aka coddling, babying, placation and instant gratification.
Very bad for everyone involved. Substitute the much politer word "pardon" for "WHAAT?" and you have my skids. Especially the youngest, Prince Hygiene (SS stb 9)
Usually they say "WHAT?" or "Pardon" even if they've heard you because:
1. although acting much younger mentally/emotionally than their age, they've also been given what I call "adult spousal status" wherein they haven't been taught their "place" in the family hierarchy. They've been given the very accurate impression that they are on an equal or in some cases superior standing as adults/parents.
Therefore, unlike you and I at that age, always having an ear "perked" for adult instruction, they hear an adult/parent's voice as so much background noise not unlike traffic sounds. They've been taught they can ignore a parent's "request" (yes the same type of parent REQUESTS things from their children instead of commanding them).
2. they hear (quite acurately) an interogatory statement instead of an imperical one. Very bad for children. Example "Junior, do you WANT to take a shower?" Instead of "Junior it's time for your shower now" or "Junior I need you to take a shower right now."
These children are very likely to butt into adult conversations, expecting to be given a "say" in an ALL family decisions, where to live, what furniture to buy, where to eat out, etc. etc. They interrupt adult conversation all the time and are not told that this is rude but are given the floor immediately by a doting/guilty parent.
If you can't reason with dad as to why this is bad for his daughter (namely if he takes it as a personal attack against him and his spawn); if he makes it clear to you that his child will always be his friend/mini spouse and you will have zero say over her yet expect her to do all the "nice things" for her (gift giving, financial support, etc.) then you can do one of two things:
1. Permanent solution: Get out of this relationship and vow to either stay single and focus on raising your child and/or vow to never date a man with children again as the "system" is stacked against fathers nowadays and turns them in to guilty daddy zombies where his children far outrank you and yours.
2. Temporary/ongoing solution: Disengage (Not doing either good or bad things with SD)
Since the whole family is parenting by guilt, therefore almost impossible to turn around the damage that continues on an hourly basis, I'd say option one is your best bet.
If your feelings are that
If your feelings are that strong, why stay with her dad? What are you going to do if something happens to BM and she has to live with her dad?
Argh...I know that it's
Argh...I know that it's logical and meant to be helpful, but I hate when people bring up the entirely accurate point that custody situations can change at any time and we should be prepared for skids to come live with us full time. Also when people remind us that our lives would be much better if we just left our SOs and found someone with no children.
I know how it feels to dread the possibility that SD could come live with us at any time...I actually hope and pray for the day when she becomes obssessed with her friends in her own neighbourhood and starts coming over here less and less (it's already happened a few times that she didn't want to come because she wanted to see her friends on the weekend).
Also, I know my life would be less complicated if I didn't fall for FH. The problem is when everything else about the person is so perfect for you, except one stupid mistake from their past. It's frustrating. You don't want to leave and ruin what is literally the best man for you, but trying to force yourself to love their child wears you out. The thing OP wrote about her SD being the product of a 1-night stand rings very familiar to me, as my own SD is the product of a 3 week fling (that was then forced into a 2-year relationship due to pushy religious parents, but eventually blew up due to the lack of actual love in the relationship).
FH actually brought SD with him on our first date (well, he picked me up before he dropped her off at her mom's work - whom I also got to meet that night - fun), and he seemed to be one of those guys who thinks their kid poops rainbows. I was prepared to run after that start to the night, but then he said that he had met so many shallow girls who would find out he has a kid then run without giving him a chance to prove what a great guy he is...What do you say when someone says that to you? "Yeah, you're right and I'm one of them?" No, you don't want to look like a b*tch and be just another shallow girl, so to prove him wrong you decide to give him a chance and then BOOM you fall in love!!
Then after a while of spending time mostly just the two of you, you start thinking this could actually work, though any time you are around the kid, you get irritated. However, you think everyone finds other people's kids annoying, right? so you believe this will pass as you will eventually start to bond with the kid and everything will be fine. But try as you might, you just can't see her for the perfect little angel everyone else in her family does. (My parents said the first time they met SD that she was ill-mannered, bossy, annoying, and had the attention span of a gnat...and my parents LOVE kids!)
This goes on, and though there aren't many outright horrible things she does, your resentment grows and grows. You have panic attacks at the thought of her coming over and though there are many small things that bother you about her, you don't understand why your negative feelings towards her are so strong. I mean, she really isn't THAT bad compared to most...but you just don't really trust her and do sometimes see some perturbing behaviours that seem to be indicators of problems in the future.
Then one day you are completely justified as she is revealed to be a "nice to your face, stab you in the back" manipulator just as you thought and 8 years of lying about you to everyone else finally comes to the surface...Luckily, this causes SO and the rest of the clan to see her not-so-perfect sides and causes SO to parent her a little more strictly, which helps a little. And this is really the best you can hope for...
It isn't always a conscious decision. Things sometimes just sneak up on you and though it can suck sometimes, you know you just couldn't be without SO so you just accept that this is the way things are...
But sometimes you just have to vent to stay sane...
I can sympathize with I am
I can sympathize with I am trying and Fedupstepmama. I have the same situation except that my charming SD is now 21. I have been dating bf for the last 4 and a half years and the person she was when she was sixteen is the same immature, mouthy little girl she was when I met him over four years ago. She is a liar, manipulator and just a down right nasty little girl. There is not one redeeming quality about her. I care about bf but find myself over the past year pulling back from him and the relationship because I can't stand the thought of having to put up with her BS for the rest of my life. BF and his entire family thinks the sun rises and set on her. Her own mother called her a "manipulator". What do I do. We have broken up several times over the past year because I refuse to have to pretend to like her and engage her. He gets upset over this but I hate the though of having to "kiss" her your know what. I don't know if I have the strength to stay. . .
OMG I know exactly what
OMG I know exactly what you're saying! My SD's BM has called her manipulative too, and once when they had all had it with her, I tried to talk to her and used some discipline techniques I learned from teaching...I felt like she really responded, so I was telling her mom about it, since I thought it would help at her place too. You know what BM said? "Oh, you don't really see the true SD. She is playing you. She didn't mean any of it, she's just doing what you say and telling you what you want to hear to get you off her back." Wow...
Ellechan - I almost cried
Ellechan - I almost cried with relief when I read your response. I too was completely blindsided by my feelings towards my SD...I love my DH so much, and until we lived together I really thought it would be a piece of cake to love my SD as well, as she is a "good kid" in the sense that she does what she's told, doesn't argue, is generally polite, etc...she just completely grates on my nerves. She's so syrupy sweet, and she literally thinks she's the cutest/funniest kid in the world (she actually says this out loud all the time, and when she does everyone in my hubbys family laughs and says "you sure are!" *barf*). I also hide in my house when she's over. I feel very bad because my hubby is beginning to notice - he recently commented that I'm the least involved female in her life, including his friends wives/girlfriends. He didn't say it in a mean way....just one of those offhand comments that makes you feel terrible without meaning too. My husband is a great Dad...he also gets frustrated at the SD's lack of independence, but at the same time he also has some guilt (I believe, he's never actually admitted it) that she is not with us all the time. I'm just so used to my own daughter, who is very independent, and I can't seem to get used to the way my SD acts. I don't think it's healthy for a child to believe that they are completely perfect (it's not okay to put them down either, but I'm sure most of you get what I'm trying to say), and it's annoying to be around people like that. I'm not a fake person at all, which is another reason why faking affection for her is becoming so difficult...it just doesn't come naturally to me. Everything about her makes me want to scream...I have knots in my stomach the whole time she is at our house.
It's so very easy for people to say "just leave him". The problem is - the problem isn't him, the problem is his kid. I love my DH with all my heart...I just see her being part of the package as a hardship I have to endure. My biggest worry is just my rising inability to fake a relationship with her. Luckily, she only comes over every other weekend and one night a week for dinner, so I can spend most of my time pretending she doesn't exist. I'm not a mean-spirited person...this is the first time I've experienced such intense, irrational feelings about another person, especially a child. I feel like a monster, but I just can't talk myself out of how I feel.
You're not a bad person...
You're not a bad person... you will find there may be few people in your life who are blood related that you dont get along with or that you cant stand. This rule also applies to your SK's. Especially if they hold 'annoying' voices and are co-dependant. This can be quite draining and exhausting.
I dunno... it worked and after a few more times she stopped using the baby voice... and started to become less dependent and sharing household chores equally with the other SK's.
Keep an open mind... dont put up with the annoying voice... i did this wen when SD11 was 7 yrs old. I just didnt respond to the baby voice which she had problems with as she was seeking my attention. I explained after a few ignoring moments that i will respond to her once she stops using the baby voice because now she is becoming a 'big girl' and just like i appeard to be 'pyscho' showed her an example of how ridiculus it looked when i put on a baby voice
Might sound harsh... but if you cut out the baby voice and lay down responsibility the child may not irritate you... leaving room for other feelings to come up... like the SK showing genuine love towards you.. as she is young enough to see you as a third carer... another person to go to if something is wrong. Im not expert... just tried a few things... and continue to *sighs*
So helpful to see others in
So helpful to see others in the same boat - I love my SO to death; I'd swear we were the perfect couple - so "getting out" of the relationship as others advise just doesn't seem right. I just posted a note on here about the long weekend with my SD - pretty much made for the worst Thanksgiving ever. It scares me because it is by no means getting easier - I can't stand being in her presence. She doesn't do anything horrible while she visits, but I find myself pushing her further and further away. I want nothing to do with her. Yes, she is a part of the package but it's the ENDURING part I don't know how I'm going to handle. I'd give anything to be able to make it all go away - my life - our lives - would be so much less complicated and fun without her around. My SO is starting to notice how drastically my attitude changes when she's there too, and it's really starting to irritate him. I just can't help it. I'm trying to suck it up. I can't. The second she leaves I'm all smiles again and couldn't be happier.
Just want you to know if you think you're a monster, then I must be one too!
Yes, I know exactly how you
Yes, I know exactly how you feel. The worst part is that the sd is a very clingy child as well...she's constantly pulling on me, climbing on me, asking me for stuff...I know she misses her Mom and looks at me a surrogate mother-figure (which is what a SM should be, really)...but I just can't reciprocate. I move away from her on the couch, try to ignore her asking me stupid questions...she also just randomly says weird stuff out of nowhere like "I miss (insert name of dog, cat, hamster, etc.)". It is always a pet who has been gone for years, and it's like she says it when nobody is paying attention to her, just to make someone feel bad...and she'll just keep saying it for the rest of the day. Or she'll break into a grown-up conversation with some ridiculous comment like "My boots this year are bigger than my old boots" and then as soon as everyone stops talking and looks at her she just gets this weird glazed look on her face and doesn't say anything else. It drives me INSANE. I feel bad for not returning affection, but it turns my stomach. I love giving my own child affection though...and I hate that I feel guilty all the time about my feelings. I do everything I can to keep her from getting close to me...a few times my icy feelings have melted and I've thought "Yay! I'm changing!I can love this kid!" but then 5 minutes later I'm feeling resentful and wishing I had never made the effort because I can't stand her all over again and now she's all over me.
Fedupstepmama - I know, those
Fedupstepmama - I know, those little "breakthroughs" come and go so quickly - she'll run up and give me a hug and for a split second my heart will melt - and then it's right back to the way it was. She can be clingy too, always saying "I want hug" which means she wants you to pick her up. Silly things drive me crazy like the fact she completely misprounounces words - so my SO reinforces it and says the words the same way she does when speaking to her. I go out of my way to pronounce them correctly and constantly correct her. And once I say it correctly, she repeats is back to me perfectly. So it's not like there is a speech issue. Funny how such a small thing can drive you insane. I know I am like a mother figure to her and I feel incredibly guilty.
Oh - I also forgot to mention
Oh - I also forgot to mention that my sd is an incurable tattletale...she tattles on EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING...the pets, my daughter, myself, my husband...if it moves in our house, she tattles on it. I have completely stopped acknowledging it, and then she tattles on ME saying that she tattled to me and I ignored her. It's ridiculous. Luckily, my hubby also doesn't tolerate the tattling, so she never gets very far with it...but it never stops her from doing it anyway.
I'd also like to say how much I appreciate having somewhere to vent. I see that many "good" stepparents get their backs up when they see venting posts from others...but really, everyone needs a place to let out pent up feelings. It's nice to know that others out there feel the same way, or have the same situation. I truly envy stepparents who love their stepchildren like their own...unfortunately, we don't all have that in us. It's nice to not feel alone. I already feel a weight off, just being able to freely talk about my feelings.
FedUp - I know, we're not
FedUp - I know, we're not coming here to be judged orcritical of one another. I don't expect expert professional advice either. But you're right, just knowing you're not alone and what you're feeling doesn't make you a crazy person is very therapeutic.
Itanya - exactly. I wish I
Itanya - exactly. I wish I could figure out what makes them come, and what makes them go...if I could just hold onto the melty feeling, I would be so much happier in my own home. But I just CAN'T! It's so frustrating...I keep hoping it won't always be like this. I'm stuck with her for the rest of my life, and if I can't at least tolerate it it's going to be awful whenever she's around. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that as she gets older things will change...she's too "Stepford" to turn out get nasty as she grows up, so I'm not worried about that (but I secretly almost wish she was, because then at least I'd have a completely viable reason to not stand her). I'm hoping the clingy-whiny-tattly-lookatmeallthetime phase will pass, and maybe I'll be able to at least tolerate her existence. Or maybe I'll be able to do a complete turn around and just find it in my heart to love her...or maybe her Mom will move far far away with her (awful, *cringe*, I know)...a girl can dream...
Ha! I like the way you think
Ha! I like the way you think - just like me!
I really hope things will change too. I believe they can, because it happened with my stepson (granted, it was six years later). But I worry too, what if it doesn't? What if it's complete torture for the next umpteen years of visitation with her? I can only fake a smile for so long. I know, I've dreamed about changing zip codes for no other reason than distance. Thanks for not telling me to "just get out of the relationship" like everyone else. Hey, when you need to "vent" after those visitations - drop me a line anytime.
That seems to be everyone's
That seems to be everyone's solution...unfortunately, it's not as simple as that, but not everyone understands that. Same goes for you - feel free to message me anytime! I appreciate the chat
Me too. Hang in there.
Me too. Hang in there.
Fedup, reading your post is
Fedup, reading your post is like reading something I wrote! It is exactly how I feel about both my Sd's, yes I have two!
In the early part of our relationship, I liked them at least. Then over time, as I really got to know them. I liked them less and less. Where we are now, I won't eat dinner in my dining room when they are here. I "play" sick, or have a headache. Pms is a favorite of mine to use. I simply cannot stand to be in the same room with them!
Whenever dh goes anywhere, they follow him like little puppy dogs. Ask a million questions. And God forbid he go to the bathroom, they jump up and run to him yelling "DADDY" like he's been gone for days not seconds! Sd5 will be 6 in a month, she still calls him dada :sick:
Everything about those two drives me batshit crazy and to top it off Dh thinks its cute!
They (poor girls) look just like bm, Dh actually suggested we put them in a beauty pageant! They're crosseyed, overweight, and down right unattractive! Waste of money!!
I didn't have the heart to tell him that, I just informed him of how expensive it is and how competitive the girls are (I used to do pageants/model) and he changed his mind.
I hate to go anywhere in public with them for fear someone will mistake them for my own. I've spent so much money on nice clothes for them, yet bm sends garbage everytime they come over. Never sends enough, and they're so big my dd's clothes don't fit them!
I, too am trying to get Dh to move far away, in hopes we have to see them less. But, he's such a good dad I just don't see it happening. I'll never understand how I can love a person SO much, yet, HATE his offspring!
Hang in there, they do grow up, that's what keeps me hanging on.
Wow exact same situation
Wow exact same situation here, only my sd7 lives with us full time! Seriously she sounds like the exact same kid. I know what you mean about her making your skin crawl when she's near you. My sd always wants to play with my hair or hug on me, not because she likes me but bc she wants to annoy my son. I know this bc when hes not home shes only all over her dad. ESP now that I'm pregnant it makes me sick. She has her dang finger up her nose more than its anywhere else and it absolutely disgusts me and I don't want her touching me. I tell her to get a tissue 50 times a day. Dh gets mad bc im embarrasing her but thats sick. She "can't wipe her own ass so she has shit in her underwear and stinks. I've told her countless times how to do it and even bought wet wipes for her but she's just plain lazy and so dependent on grown ups for everything! I swear the words "i need help" come out of her mouth 1000 times a day. I have no advice but know that you're not alone. I've wished for some sort of potion that would make me love her or even like her but I feel no more bonded to her than I do the neighbor kids. She steals ALL my sons attention and it makes him unhappy to live here and I'm not looking forward to her behavior once I have this baby. she is extremely "sweet" but it's all manipulation, and my god the tattling! She's also incapable to entertaining herself. The only thing that helped a little is letting dh handle her, I now refuse to wake up with her at 6am now because she can make cereal and turn on cartoons but dh feels bad so whatever he can get up with her. I refuse to do anything that she should be doing on her own and while dh does still do it for her I no longer let it bother me. If he wants to raise her to be like that then its his problem, he knows how I feel about it and that's all I can do.
My ss is 10 and calls my dh
My ss is 10 and calls my dh "daddy" specially when he wants attention or something. I moved in last summer... we had a long distance relationship. We got married last April ... honestly I don't know if I am going to make it 7 days for our first anniversary. I left my home town my two teenage sons behind to be with him. My oldest moved in with us temporarily since he was accepted to the local university here. Since I moved in by myself at first it was a battle. I mean he has changed certain things but I always feel like the outsider. I try to cope and "suck it up" but the issues are constant. We were at the gym last week... mind you he sees his son everyday because he picks him from school everyday. They have shared custody.. but on her weeks we get him until 6pm.. when she picks him up after work.. on our weeks.. there are no breaks.. and it becomes about pleasing his 10 year old... he treats him like he's 5... I mean he babys him constantly.. I mean the kid thinks the world revolves around him. Now they even text each other after bm picks him up from our home.. WTF???!!! I mean seriously!! he even lays in bed with him almost every night... same thing in the morning.. he lays in bed with him to wake him up.... I mean.. I raised my two boys very differently.. I did not do the "mommy" thing ... whenever I bring something up... I am being petty... I like to fight... or argue.... so anytime he drops whatever we are doing just to run to his stepson I don't see the gray areas.... Really??
Fedup, I can feel your pain.I
Fedup, I can feel your pain.I think the more you try to love SD the harder it is, maybe try to step back a bit- you put enormous pressure on yourself.
Society , partners or even ourselves intend to draw this black or white picture of stepmothers.If we are not selfless, wonderful throughout and full of love for our stepkids we are worth nothing and the bad ones, living proof for all those fairy tales. The pressure is so big that we try anything to avoid others to find out how we really feel and beat ourselves up if we are not feeling love or even sometimes experience resentment. In the worst case scenario it is the SO who links the love we feel for him with the expectation for us to love his children from a former marriage.
No wonder that hardly works.
A few things worked for me and SD7-
- I don't expect to feel LOVE for her, but I try to like her, look for anything that I would find cute or nice if I would NOT be the stepmother, but maybe an auntie or a family friend.
-if I feel resentful , frustrated or if daddy coddles her too much I take the right to leave the room to save my energy for myself- I take a break.
-I open my mouth these days and tell SO what I feel- I am stronger in myself now and stand up for me and my feelings as a stepmom
- I am getting better in telling SD what to do and how to behave in this house and standing up for the belief that she is NOT entitled to be a princess even though she was treated a lot like it-this doesn't make me a bad stepmum.
-If she comes over and gives me a cuddle I try to return it as good as I can- it means a positive development our rs that she does that.No matter that it feels unnatural at times.
wow.. and here I created a
wow.. and here I created a new forum on this exact thing! I have a 16yo sd that I absolutely HATE. She has been AWFUL to me, and even to her dad. She is in the Juvenile Justice probation program here, and we are in court ordered in-home counseling, but honestly, its not doing any good. She is so manipulative and so good at being 'fake' that she is fooling a lot of people. And sometimes I just want to scream! I have disengaged as much as I can from her. I will answer a question she asks, but I don't talk to her. I'm too angry now to even try. Now she may be pregnant, and I'm just sitting here thinking that, you know what? I don't HAVE to partake in this s**t. I don't HAVE to do anything for her. Her father can do it. She used to stand in my face and yell "you're not my mother!". Ok. She is right. I'm not. Now she can do for herself or ask her Dad, because I'll be damned if I do anything for her ever again. And seriously, she can just walk into a room and my blood pressure goes up. I can even feel my ears lay back like I'm some feral cat or something! I tried to get along, but she is so manipulative and coniving that I just couldn't tolerate it. I'm nothing if not straight-forward and honest. I get along well with BDs youngest daughter, and I can tolerate his oldest, but this one? Nuuuuuuuuuu!
So I say we have just unofficially created a new support group, named: Monsters r Us. I'm good with it at this point.