Does it ever get better?
I just want to know if it gets better? Do the BM's give up eventually? To DH's ever see what you do and thank you? Does the SK ever say THANK YOU? I have been feeling lately that being a kidless second wife has been all about someone/everyone elses life. Feeding, organizing, paying for, raising, disciplining someone elses kid. I don't even own the house we are in. We recently sold (at a huge loss) our mutualy owned condo to live in the mother-in-laws house. Agian, for someone else. I have begun to put down boundaries, and not take sh*t from anyone. I call everyone on their lies, manipulation, and other BS. That change has been received like a load of toxic waste. I have been called moody, irritable and unfair by DH. SS doesn't even notice because the BM is WAY worse in that department. 7 years together and the BM still blames me for EVERYTHING. I could elaborate on her shinanigans later. I am bumming out.
It CAN get better, but that's
It CAN get better, but that's doesn't mean it WILL.
In my case, it took about 20 years of bullshit, sacrifices, everything... BUT:
BM of my older SD actually thanked me for taking such good care of her daughter and always being there for her. (I almost passed out; she even handmade the thank you card! I'm sure she couldn't speak it, those words would burn like vinegar on her lips!)
SD has thanked me several times for "everything." She tells me she loves me and feels like I treated her the same as my bios.
Honestly, I never thought I'd see the day. So many years of struggles. They say parenting is a thankless job; well, stepparenting is even more thankless!
So when is it OK for a
So when is it OK for a paradym shift and start living for myself? Thanks for the encouragement. I have tried the "doing and being without expectation of return", but find this is bankrupting.
I can't answer that for
I can't answer that for you... for me, I still am not "living for myself" but I'm ok with that. I acutally enjoy being a mother/stepmother (to the one SD I raised) and the sacrifices don't bother me. If you find that you're feeling bankrupt, you'll need to change something.
Perhaps it won't be a full paradigm shift at this point, but what is something you can do that will give you value? Is there something you can do jointly with the skid?
I enjoy working with animal rescues/ shelters. Often, kids can help with an adult...walking dogs, bathing them, whatever. Perhaps it's something that could "fill your tank" and help with the relationship as well.
Anyway, just thoughts.
NOW. NOW is the time.
NOW. NOW is the time.
Me too!! I know how you feel,
Me too!! I know how you feel, and im not even married or living together yet! Im totally bumming out because of the mess that is SO's life and the waste of space that is BM!!
Weve only been together for 18 months and im already starting to question if it is all worth it. Is this really what I want with my life? .... Basically is my relationship worth all this.
You know, its funny. We are
You know, its funny. We are programmed to think that wanting fairness in our life/minds is selfish. If it isn't fair for you now, it only gets worse. We purchased our home together before we married and things were bad with the x and she used the SK for excuses to pull at DH. But when we married, she got to my DH with her manipulations through upsetting the SK. If your D(potential)H does not put down boundaries before your relationship hits permanent status, it will likley get worse. I think we have to be really strong and sure of who we are. I have had to avoid identifying myself as this role I am in and thats it. You are you and the role is just that. One of many roles in our life. I know, I know... I should listen to my own advice.
I will let you know when it
I will let you know when it does, I'm going on 21 plus yrs... And Everything is my fault
It gets better when you leave
It gets better when you leave and get divorced, and everything was my fault also from the first 3 weeks we were married and i moved out beause DH let SD17 cuss me out, he begged me to come back after moving out for 5months,said everything would change. She moved out only time we had peace but it was my fault she left and he let me know it every day. Then she moved back DH dont see her as a player and she is good at it, well she cussed me out two more times the last time I was at work she texted me told me when I died she was going to come to my funral and shit on me in my casket DH said SD was mad because I saw what she put on fb and I should have not been looking at it. LOL i was already working on moving out when this happend but guess not fast enough I came home one night to get a shower and my DH got pissed and hit me many times and drug me down the hallway by my arms and hair and though me outside and locked me out with no shoes and no way to call for help but ill ways have a window unlocked I got back in and called 911 and he took my phone from me but did not know I had already called 911 they heard everything sent cops and locked him up. well I moved out next day best thing I every did, been gone now 6 months Im so happy my life is great now. So it does get better you just have to decide how much crap you can take.
You are one STRONG former
You are one STRONG former stepMAMMA! I admire your will to be safe and get out from under abuse! My first marrieage lasted 11months (or I kid and say 11 minutes)before I guess I pissed him off for oposing his opinion and I won 17 stitches to my face for the challenge! My DH is gentle, which is why he is spineless. he hates conflict and the X knows it. Your comment put things in perspective and also reminded me that I, too, was strong once and can be again. Thank you!
My experience has gotten WAY
My experience has gotten WAY better. I tried everything. I disengaged for a while, would leave when the Skids came over and spent the entire weekend doing things outside of the house. I'd fight, scream, cry. It's been almost 12 years. The BM is still a nutjob that won't leave my DH alone. HOWEVER, my DH got fed up and that is when things started changing. When HE got sick of her, HE saw what I was feeling and made the changes necessary for our relationship to work. Now we are able to discuss the BM without fighting. Now BM doesn't dictate what happens in OUR home. Now he just ignores her crazy ass and is completely focused on OUR home, OUR family, OUR happiness. He parents his kids more now, not as much as I'd like him to, but he is working on that. We are in a good place. It CAN get better.
I think this is what needs to
I think this is what needs to happen for our situation to change to, and he says he's trying but I still think that he could be handling things differently. We're going to see a counselor in a couple of weeks. The wedding is scheduled for August and at this point, I'm not 100% sure I want to go ahead. I don't NOT want to get married, but I don't want to spend the next 13 years (youngest SS is 5) the way things are now.
I think that is key. DH has
I think that is key. DH has to be sick of it. I suppose we should question if/when/why he is not.
Because men have a higher
Because men have a higher tolerance level for bullshit. Men can zone out the constant chatter, men aren't the ones that have to figure out how to make do with the lack of income because of CS payments. Men aren't the ones that flip out when after an entire day of cleaning the house is upside down10 minutes after the Skids arrive. Men leave it all to us. But when I revolted and threw my hands in the sky and waved them from side to side like "HELLO ASSHOLE I AM YOUR WIFE not that bitch you better remember that!" said man had to figure out how to keep my ass as his wife. Then and only then did he begin to see with his own eyes how draining the BM was and how she was manipulating things so things in our home could be bad. My DH knows what me being in his life means to him. I changed his entire life and he is fully aware of that. So believe me, he doesn't want that to ever change.
I continue to ask that
I continue to ask that question at times. Will it ever get better? Well, BM still tries to disrupt our lives and dictate to us what we should do about SS16 in our home. BM does blame me for any and everything she can concerning SS and lets everyone know that including Dh's family. (I have a hard time with that). If he makes a bad grade it's my fault, if he acts up with her it's my fault. She thinks I have disrupted her childs life just by coming into the picture and he is not dealing with it very well. :sick: She also tries to tell us how and when we should respond to her calls and her demands. Sometimes we may go for 2-3 months without hearing from her but when it starts we can expect it to go on for weeks and weeks with a call about every other day about something and sometimes just the same thing over and over. I hope this will get better when SS turns 18... but I am trying to get better about shaking this stuff off and not letting her upset our house. Sometimes that isn't so easy though. I do believe DH sees how hard I try and he appreciates it at times and other times I just feel like I am the maid and he expects it. I am still hoping that one of these days SS will see that I tried with him and care about him and truly want whats best for him. But he is an entitled child so I am taking the chance that he will always despise the fact that I took some of DH's attention away from him. I have bios of my own but they are raised and independent so I feel like the years that I should be enjoying and having fun, traveling etc. I am being a SM to a selfish entitled, ungrateful child. I guess at times I do resent the time, money and attention that goes into SS but I love DH and never want him to feel like he wasn't a active parent so I let it go and try to bite my tongue. Like I said, I am still hoping that alot of this will get better when SS turns 18. Maybe that is just wishful thinking. :?
Ripley, Interesting. Did you
Ripley, Interesting. Did you just google Conflict Resolution? How did you research to get the how to's?
It can get better. In my
It can get better. In my case, my SD17 suddenly moved out to live with her father when her "double life" was recently discovered (lots of issues, but drug use was the main one). I never thought that we'd be rid of her, then one day - poof! She was gone.
I will say that, based on MANY posts here, things usually don't get better until the skid moves out. If you read enough here, you see that that doesn't always happen at age 18. Some people here have 30-something skids still at home. If you are on this site, then you are almost certainly in the same boat that I was in - no peace until the skid leaves.
I agree that "Thank you" in
I agree that "Thank you" in spoken word doesn't ean much, but actions mean so much more. To not have to be on guard or proactive in my own defence would be a start. I serve and give, yet I am the bad one...hmm.
As much as I'd love to have
As much as I'd love to have that here, I don't think it's possible> She refuses to even attempt to co-parent. As soon as she left, she informed FDH that they would be parallel parenting and that she had no interest in attempting to co-parent. That has pretty much set the tone for everything else, including the relationship that she and I have. It would be so much better for the kids if things weren't this way, but I'm not holding out much hope.
SS BM wants to do her version
SS BM wants to do her version of "co-parenting" which means to do everything her way and her version of what is best for SS which means give him any and everything he wants. She does not want to co-parent with me only with DH. We believe that every spouse/so on both sides should be included in decisions for that home but of course BP's make the final decision concerning SS. We have tried to express that to BM but she doesn't get it.
Co-parenting means at the
Co-parenting means at the BM's convenience. Which seems to be never. But she wants the respectcredit of 50% of the equation of raising Sk's.