Does it get better???
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I have huge anxiety before my step kids come for the weekend. I dread it. Lately I have started to regret getting married to someone with kids even though I have two of my own....
does it ever get better? Any stories similar to this with happy endings? Any coping strategies? Thanks
It's definitely a
It's definitely a Rollercoaster... my step daughter stopped coming as often, and I enjoyed that...
It seems like things won't
It seems like things won't get better unless you and your DH realize what the issue is and what the problems are..and are comitted to working on them.
The age of the kids.. all the other dynamics.. even your own personal temperament.. and with your own kids.. obv.. that complicates too.
No.
Chances are greater that not only will it not get better, but it will get worse.
This exactly... you need to
This exactly... you need to learn to disconnect with the skids... remember they are not yours... their behavior does not reflect you, because their behavior WILL only get worse... all the things you have anxiety about WILL only get worse... but if you can disconnect from them and possibly be busy doing your own thing when they do come over, your sanity may stay intact
No in most cases
It will get worst. Then you will get tired of your SO lack of parenting. Throwing his problems out ,to become household problems. Those kids have one BM and BF. you are not one of them. Those kids already have a mother.. You are not going to replace her. They don't give two rats AS* about you. You are a source of money and gifts. Nothing else.
Thats why it will never get better. You rightfully will stop being understanding of DH. Nothing is more sexy then a DH being control by his kids and ex.
How do you all cope then with
How do you all cope then with the anxiety?
Not very well... I try to
Not very well... I try to find kind ways to tell DH that I'm struggling. I try to get out of the house when sd is there. I IGNORE much of the nonsense that sd spews. I have "migraines" and need to rest quietly when sd is over. I sign up for classes related to work specifically when sd is over. I try to view sd as more of a neice kind of relationship than any sort of parental relationship. Knowing that I'm not responsible for her takes a HUGE load off of me. Knowing that I can participate as much or as little as I want helps.
I still get anxiety... and I STILL can't stand her.... but it does help
I am at the end of my rope...
I am at the end of my rope... I do love my step daughter but she is disrespectful in the sense that I say hello to her and she totally ignores me. When I'm in the room with her and my husband she will not say a word to either of us, but the minute that I leave the room she immediately starts talking to him. I don't understand what I have done it wasn't always like this. I tell my husband it bothers me and he makes excuses for her behavior. His two other kids won't talk to him because of not liking discipline . So he clings to the youngest saying he can't lose another kid. But I don't think he he realizes that he could lose me.
It's because of her loyalty
It's because of her loyalty to her mother... All children are loyal to their mother, even children that have never even SEEN their mother, children that are HORRIFICALLY abused by their mom. If they even REMOTELY think that ignoring you will make their mom happy or live them more, they'll do it.
I can agree with that! The bm
I can agree with that! The bm is insane always trying to make things hard. I have no problem doing my own thing while she's here but my husband voices his discontent with only me like it's all my fault. Yes I make myself scarce for my reasons but I also do them so he can have a relationship with her. Since she only speaks to him. Is this the right thing to do probably not. He wants to buy her a car since she just turned 16, I'm not on board because we didn't buy any of the other 5 kids a car. We never even discussed it and I don't think it's fair. But because of his fear of losing her if he doesn't get her one and she won't come back around.
How old are the kids?
There are so many variables that change the answer to your question. In my situation, all was glorious, and then we had BM dump a 6yr old on our porch and skip town. I don't even get the luxury of only surviving weekend visits, it is now a permanent full time mess. I do have a SO who is amazing and not defensive of the mess we've been handed (yep undeniably his mess) but that still doesn't mean I don't have massive anxiety about all of it. He mostly understands why but that doesn't fix it. I do believe that many of these SKIDS have rotten DNA that we cannot parent out of them and neither can our SOs. For me, I know if I my SO was blind to the situation that would be the deal breaker. Sadly, 99% of our disagreements have the same source issue & you guessed it, his kid.
No. It does not get better
No. It does not get better until you disengage and numb out- leaving skidville completly in the hands of your DH.
Disengagement is your friend
It gets better over time with a certain combination of things - you have a solid group of friends and family, your partner is ok with your disengagement and doesnt expect you to act as a parental figure and there is honesty between you two.
Ive been communicating more, and have been more calm. Ive disengaged, so that Im not to blame for anything and everything is just factual, I have zero repsonsibility and zero authority. But expectations are that she will live with her mother Toxic Troll once the visitation ends in 7 months.
Husband has said that he would like to spend some time with her doing things before that happens...but who knows. I suggested movies and things like that. He and her get to plan I am no longer the tour director entertainment organizer.
CLove I did the same thing
CLove I did the same thing and I also dropped out of putting together fabulous events and spending money on these fabulous events, vacations etc. I simply don't do anything. Since then the adventures and opportunities have widdled down to house visits and even at the house visits I would typically plan lots of outings and nice dinners out. Now it's literally food at the house that's all. I don't do anything else. It does not seem like anyone even noticed the seismic shift whatsoever. It's turned out to be the best gift of all- less time spent, less energy spent. LESS MONEY spent - I consider it a win. :D
If your mate has balls and
If your mate has balls and standards, it can get better. In fact, if your mate has balls and character it would likely never have been intolerably bad.
With a mate who is a quality parent, who enforces standards of kid behavior, and standards of kid performance, these problems do not tend to be much of an issue.
I would put my foot up your failed breeder partner's ass regarding his ill behavior toxic failed family spawn if I were you.
Since you are a parent yourself, how does the outcome of your parenting of your failed relationship children compare to your SO's parenting results?
I would surmise that the problem is not your Skids, the problem is far more likely than not your SO.
Take care of you, stand your ground, enforce your standards on your SO and on his children. Tolerate no crap.
unlikely to get better ,,
unlikely to get better ,, more likely to get worse. Its very rare these days that things get better with the skids,,,when it gets slightly better is usually because of the stepparent disengaging and taking a step back. even then, if your main issue is your spouse,, it will get worse as you find when you disengage from the skid , you get a lot of push back from your spouse. Coping with the anxiety comes with disengaging and commiting to that. It didnt work for me,, i completely disengaged for almost 2 yrs and it got so much worse as then i had issues with DH. I ended up getting them out of my house ,, it took me several months to detox from them both. good luck
I am so glad that you rescued yourself and launched into your
new life adventure sans the baggage.
If we had lived closer to the
If we had lived closer to the skids, I would not be married. It was so awfully hard dealing with them and their mother even from a distance. I'm so sorry you are going through this.