19 yr old SD Eloped
Not sure where to begin. I've been married for 8 years to my DH and have been in my SD's life since she was 11. My DH had been awarded custody so she lived with us for the last 8 yrs. It has been a very stressful 8 years and If I knew what I know now I'm not sure I would do it again. It has been one dramatic event after the other. I could go back to when she was 11 and tell you all kinds of stories that I don't really blame her for 100%. Her BM liked to cause problems by saying things a mom should never say to their child. That is another story. Right now I'm going to focus on my SD eloping less then a month ago. None of us had a clue she was thinking of eloping. We didn't even know the guy she eloped with. SD has only known this guy for 4 months. Way to fast if you ask me. I feel the DH is mostly responsible for how she has grown into an adult. My relationship with my DH is not the greatest and I have a lot of resentment inside of me because of how he handles things. My SD has really never liked me because I am another woman in her dad's life that she feels she has to compete with. The DH hasn't really helped the situation. He would always say that it's between me and her and we should take care of our issues. I don't know how to deal with it. I feel he should have put his foot down a long time ago. I also have two children from a previous marriage (boys). Thank god they are boys because I really feel if they were girls it would have been a lot worse. For some reason she gets along great with boys but not girls. Never could hold a friendship with a girl but has several friendships with boys. I believe it is for the attention she receives from the boys. Anyway, after we found out she was married via the newspaper. We confronted her. We were upset but we had no other choice but to accept it. She is an adult. Her BM didn't take it as well as we did. BM does what she always does and yelled and threatened and said some horrible things. BM eventually got over it and is coming around to accept it. My problem is now that SD has told everyone...she feels that she should have a real wedding and a reception to receive gifts. I don't agree with this at all. I don't think it's fair to anyone. I feel that if she wanted a real wedding and reception she should have told us before eloping and gave us time to get to know this new guy in her life. The DH and I are not on the same page at all. He thinks she should have everything her heart desires. We have fought to the point that he has once again threatened me with divorce over something that has to do with the SD. I tried to compromise with him but he doesn't want too. I tried saying why does everything have to happen so fast. Why don't we wait 6 months to a year to see how things work out. He is unwilling to compromise and said he will do everything for his daughter whether I like it or not. Another example of what I call him enabling her is when it was time to move her things to her new apartment she and her new husband were at their apartment while the DH and my dad moved all her things over there, packed her stuff too. This really upsets me because I feel she should be contributing but she never does. She sits back while her dad does everything for her. It has been like this since I've been in her life and her dad sees nothing wrong with it. If the DH doesn't jump with SD asks him to do something she will threaten him or act out by doing something crazy like eloping. Sometimes I feel like I'm the crazy one. Just so tired and confused. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated.
Honestly if he is threaten
Honestly if he is threaten you with Divorce because you are disagreeing, he isn't will to work things out with you. Fighting can be healthily in relationships when done right. Threatening to leave is not one of those ways. I personally would consider leaving or at least splitting all of your money. Your request to wait and see how things work out with her new husband is not a huge request. I would personally respond to a brat who eloped and now demands a huge wedding that when they have their 5 year anniversary we will contribute x%. there is no way the marriage will make it that long. the SD is abusing her dads wallet and in turn ruining your marriage and your husband doesnt care. you are in a no win situation and you need to protect yourself.
Be careful. There are posters
Be careful.
There are posters on here who got married but are still doing the "big wedding thing."
Personally, I think it's a load of whooey. My first marriage happened in Vegas. Came home. No big fanfare. Whatevs. :shrugs:
Since she now wants to "do it
Since she now wants to "do it right," why not agree to help her plan a vow re-newal . . . for her 5th anniversary. If you can't get hubby on board with this, establish a personal bank acct to which he does not have access (if you don't have one already), and move half of any marrital money into it. Then inform your husband you don't care how he spends *his* money provided he continues to contribute to your shared household financial responsibilities. As it is, she is already married; it's not a wedding, it's a gift grab.
How happy I would be if loser
How happy I would be if loser skid eloped! It would make my day...
Oh, sorry, not good for you? Forget it! Move on...let her destroy her life. Focus on you and your DH now.
I get that he wanted to walk
I get that he wanted to walk her down the aisle etc. I think it should be pointed out that her behaviors seem to mirror her dad's though...give me what I want or I'll divorce you? I'd ask him if that's what he really wants, the divorce if he does not get his own way?
I would not invest any of my own money into such a farce, SD robbed DH of the 'walk down the aisle' thing when she eloped and that's her responsibility. If she's the only daughter then DH will be a bit upset too, he'll feel guilty and all that daddy stuff.
I'd let them get on with it, save up some money of your own just in case you really do get soooooo tired of all the bullshit that goes on. If money is no object then let the whole thing be.
Yes indeed!
Yes indeed!