I eloped my first marriage, came to regret it.

For my second wedding and current happy marriage we had a small and private but "real" wedding. The costs really do add up even so. He may be thinking very practically.

But if you have the wedding in somebody's back yard and a few other intimate gestures that can also double as economies, you can have a lovely service in front of your most beloved friends and feel great about it.

I recommend that.

Now, as to him not wanting to tell anyone you got married, er, back that truck up. What? Sometimes there can be an excellent reason for extreme privacy. Sometimes you're just being hidden because of an agenda you may or may not know about. Warning, Will Robinson!

Lsstly, teen girl likes you right now. I knew a teen girl who liked me. Then I signed a wedding license with her dad and she swore a blood oath to make me miserable for the rest of her life. }:)

I'm not the only one here who had a good skid relationship change overnight. Beware.

Oh, one more word. The fancy proposal. There may be a bit of a generational thing here. So far all my nieces have had massive productions that rival the wedding itself in their proposals. It's all great fun. And I see it's a big deal--quite a common expectation--in the 20s/30s crowd. But someone your intended's age is easily not going to see that as the norm. I know I didn't. It's possible that can be simply a generational difference between the two of you.

"His position is that our commitment to each other is all that matters."

Take him up on that and DO NOT MARRY HIM. It's just a "piece of paper". You can commit to someone without it.

That way you will be legally free to leave him when you finally get fed up with his not being invested in you.

As the voice of experience (I'm really old) I've seen several of my friends marry men who are 20 years older. Boy is it hard as they age.

My BFF is now 65. She can do NOTHING with her DH as he is 85. He can't walk more than a few feet. Just going out to dinner requires planning, etc. Another friend is in her late 50s. Her DH just died after several years of being an invalid.

These are women who have their children raised, are now retired and are ready to travel and live life - but they have an anchor of a very old man attached to them.

ETA - I eloped and was fine with it. But it's not about what worked for me - it's about what you want. That should not be ignored. I've been to lovely small weddings where only a few hundred dollars were spent. One can get a few people together in the backyard and order pizza to be delivered for less money than a trip to elope.

Sue is right but be prepared for him to respond, "ok then let's not get married." I have experience dealing. with this exact type of man. And you won't get him to do anything he really doesn't want to

This is a great time to start practicing your communication skills as a couple.

First, you have some very easy things that you can ask for that he can do for you to help you feel better. So talk to him about the fact that you feel that you missed out on him proposing to you and that you really would like an engagement ring. Reasure him that it doesn't have to be a huge rock, but just that this is not how you imagined starting off married life and as you only plan on doing this once it would mean a lot to you if some of the traditions you had been brought up with were carried out.

Then once you two have worked out those things start talking about your wedding and getting into the nitty gritty of what it is you both want from the wedding, come up with some ideas and see if you can reach a compromise together that will make it special for both of you.

If you two can workout it how to discuss these things and reach compromises that genuinely offer both of you positives more or less equally then you will be on a good footing to working other 'problems' out in the future.

Stop putting yourself last. That does not mean ignore his wants and desires but it does mean that when you feel strongly about something you should find a way to express it. your fiancé should be open to hearing your thoughts and feelings and adapting to make things work for both of you. Just as you should for him too.

Adding my virtual voice to the chorus of "Drop him"'s.

I know it will be hard, he's hot as all get-out and you love his kids and blah blah blah but there are red flags all over this situation. What's up with your parents? They don't see this and they're willing to throw a big-ass party to mark your getting hitched to a man who you'll end up nursing through his final years if you can survive his kids' hostility?

Really, get out while you can. Five years from now, you'll look back and wonder what you were thinking. And that's regardless whether you do the dumb thing or the smart thing.

I agree with all the above posters who've encouraged the OP to expect and demand more from her bf.

I look at it like this: On the open market, men and women under thirty who are attractive, educated, employed, and unencumbered by baggage like divorce and kids are grade A choice meat. If a divorced father in his forties wants to win such a catch, he either needs to bring his "courting 'A' game", or find a candidate who is malleable and willing to settle for less.

This is the early part of the relationship, the euphoric, romantic phase when things are at their absolute best. So if a man isn't interested in giving his much younger intended the beautiful wedding she deserves regardless of his own life experiences, that is a red flag. It's a sign that he cares more for his comfort than her happiness, and that's a less than ideal point for a relationship to have its zenith.

OP, a venerable member of StepTalk once said about steplife, "You have to stand up for yourself, or you'll literally get creamed, not blended." Marrying a man with kids is already problematic. If you are to have any chance for success, you have to be able to recognize, verbalize, and prioritize your own needs. You deserve to have a wedding; your parents deserve to see their daughter walk down the aisle. Tell your bf what you want, and if he doesn't bend over backwards to give it to you, walk.

Take this:
"I don't have much practice saying no; I'm very good at other people's needs."

and add this:

"He does have a daughter. She likes me right now..."

and it all adds up to disaster.

Galesia, there's your answer - in your very own words. Listen to the voice inside you and you KNOW this guy is a mistake. And shame on your parents for not seeing through it all and giving you better advice.

You ant a lavish wedding cause it's all about the image and not what weddings are for.

This man is not a kid anymore, you are late 20's he's mid 40's basically double your age, he already had the big lavish circus and looked how that worked out....

you have 2 options, do what he wants and skip all the drama of skids and ex and family being pissed off about not being invited, seated to the wrong table, or what ever reason they might have to moan and groan...

or you stick to your plan about a lavish wedding with drama and tears and then I suggest find another groom... one that's not done this before

So, here is what you do. Make it an announced "elopement" and invite your immediate families and a few friends to a private ceremony at a small intimate venue on a day when FDH has his kids. No big announcement just a direct call a number of days before (in our case it was 2wks). Keep it small, intimate, nice, with catered amazing food and a nice wine, beer, and signature selection.

That splits the difference for you and FDH.

My first wedding was the social event of the season when my XW and I married. It was ostentatious and over the top just as my XMIL wanted it. That cost them ~$25K and the marriage lasted 2.5 years from I DO to the Judges gavel coming down on the divorce hearing. So, an investment of $10K/yr.

My first wedding to my amazing bride was an announced elopement to Lake Tahoe which a few friends and family members from both sides attended. The wedding cost us $500 including the dress, flowers, and the license.

20 years later we renewed our vows in my brides Home town (actually at a vineyard very near to her home town). We had ~50 guests with an amazing gourmet catered menu, wine and beer selection, and signature cocktail selection. In the background high on the wall of the winery hall was a looped copy of our wedding video from our original wedding next to a looped slide show of pics from our first wedding interspersed with pics of our 20 years as a family.

Neither was ostentatious, both were very nice and low key, though I did rub the SpermIdiot’s nose in it a bit when I ran a full page vow renewal wedding announcement with side by side huge pics of my stunning bride on our original wedding day and then in her designer dress for our vow renewal in the local paper. }:) The full page included her education, professional history, and our domestic and international experiences up to our vow renewal and included our amazing kid's (My Skid, since adopted by me at his request) life and USAF career accomplishments.

I could not help but to take the opportunity to gloat a bit in the SpermClan's back yard. }:)

I think your groom owes you a nice wedding. To deny you that indicates to me that he needs an attitude adjustment and if that doesn't work then you may not be with the right man.

And ... Welcome Gale. I hope you find this to be a good place to vent, congribute, and pick up some useful advice and perspective from others who are living the dream of the blended family adventure.

'I can't shake the thought that he is just less invested in us, and that is why he doesn't want the whole package." um these are your thoughts. not facts. have you ASKED him? have you TOLD him you feel inferior? have you EXPLAINED to him your desires and motivations?

communicate. it's that simple and is really key.

only then will you really know what the next step will be for your relationship.

How much child support does your fiance pay even though he has his children every other week? Adolescent children and some ex wives can be a very expensive undertaking.

And welcome to StepTalk!
'

I got married to my 2nd husband when I was about 40. He was just a couple years older. It was my 2nd marriage and his 3rd. Yeah.. I know, but the first one was to his childhood sweetheart and that just imploded because they were too young and she was a bit of a loon. His 2nd wife is who he had his 2 kids with and they were 5 and 9 when we met. His 2nd wife was/is a nutjob with serious interpersonal deficiencies.

Anyway, when we were discussing getting married, we came to the decision to go away and have a destination wedding with just the two of us. My first wedding had been a very small under 30 person affair but even so, we weren't interested in having any traditional wedding. The following reasons were key in our decision.

1. Yeah, the kids and exwife. would she insist on being there so that she could help her girls get through the trauma or such drivel? Would the kids become upset and cause a problem. I put this first, but this was the least of our issues really.
2. My parents would not have had an easy time coming. My mother was starting to have some cognitive issues and my dad didn't drive. It logistically wasn't possible for anyone to chauffer them since they lived several hours away.
3. We just didn't have an interest in doing anything big.. we didn't have a lot of people we even would have wanted to invite..

We decided to go off to an island and go deep sea fishing and just did a little ceremony on the beach. Just the two of us.

It was easier to have it away where there wasn't any pressure to ensure certain people were invited.. or not invited etc..

We haven't heard much back from Galesia. How are you doing, you fortunate, valuable, young, child-free professional, you, with all this adamant counsel? Is any of it making sense or resonating? Is any of it getting through to you, or do you think we're all a bunch of big ol' meanies who don't understand what love is?