Time to have a serious put your foot down talk with DH. You aren't going to continue to support a grown adult who contributes nothing. Its going to hurt, but its better than letting it go as it is. I would fight big on this one.

If DH does nothing, tell the kid yourself. Personally, i would be prepared to tell DH if this is the way you want it, fine, but i will be getting my own place.

Sounds as if there might be a slight addiction problem on his end (with the comp) if you pay for the net it is time to cut his access to it. (change password, etc)

My biggest issue would be that why doesn't your dh see a problem with his son? Other than not being able to smell, he should see the greasy hair/skin and dirty clothes. Love sometimes means being tough. Your husband is doing a major disservice to this boy by not helping him become an adult.

Stay strong sweetie!

Okay, first off everything is dependent on your husband willing to back you up. If you have no support from your husband, there's nothing you can do. An adult living with you should contribute to the household, period. If not financially then in labor (I had to have some other parents on this board reassure me that it was alright to charge your adult kids rent and they helped me have a clearer insight into this, really).

I have a SD living with me who is on the autism spectrum and until quite recently was unemployed. When she moved in, in addition to expected chores that were laid down she was also given basic hygiene rules which included room cleaning, tooth brushing, laundry and bathing. When she failed to do these things (whether oversight or flat out forgetting) I would flip out on her, then husband would come home from work and re-emphasize what I had just said. We tried to avoid threats of taking away things (computer, cable, internet) but we also pointed out that WE pay those bills and we're doing HER the favor letting her use these privileges and if she won't take care of her responsibilities with regards to keeping herself, her room and the household chores then these privileges can be removed easily.

BTW, you can't enlist someone else into the military. All you can do is contact a recruiter to contact them. While the military would probably do this young man a world of good, if he has no interest then it'll just go in one ear and out the other.

Frankly, I'd sit down with your husband and come down with a complete list daily/weekly expectations of your SS with corresponding consequences (i.e., shutting off the electricity/internet/cable to his room, confiscating his computer, etc.). This list should also include a time frame for acquiring gainful employment.

I really think the SS needs to be reminded he is 21 and no law in this country says you have to keep someone in your home if you don't want to.

He probably is addicted to online gaming but honestly, don't let him turn that into an excuse for leaching off you and living like a pig.

Sounds a lot like my SS21:

Unemployed. Doesn't go to shcool. Doesn't bathe. No life skills. Pushing 300 pounds. No future.

Sad.

What do you mean by sign up? You can sign them up to get info and whatnot without their knowledge. But at some point, they're going to have to go down to the MEPS station, and get checked out, and swear an oath to support and defend the constitution of the U.S.

You need the kid's willing participation for that.

If at any time he says, "I didn't sign up for this, my evil stepmom put all my info in, it's a cruel sick joke." they cannot make him stay.

Let's be realistic. This has been going on for how long now? A long damn time. Your husband is NOT going to rock the boat. The kid is seemingly happy to his father. No news is good news. He's coasting. The last thing dad wants to do is stir things up.

If you continue to do the same thing, you get the same results. They will continue to do the same things. ONLY YOU CAN CHANGE HERE. Only you can decide to end the arguement and let this go on forever, leave your husband and tell him that you'll return when things are changed, or confront that kid.

Email his ass a long story of what he will one day become, or not become. Compliment his potential...if you can scrape any up. The best way to move a guy is with a girl. Maybe use connections to find some pretty girls to come over and hang out. Maybe to help you with a project. Let them in on it. You may find he responds to that faster than anything. If you want to save your marriage and your sanity or both, then you have to do something drastic. That husband of yours simply will.not.do.anything! He will remain in denial until he is simply FORCED OUT OF IT.

Sounds like great progress. This will not be easy, but you are going in the right direction. That there wasn't a major meltdown by either your SS or your DH is so encouraging.

My daughter was probably addicted to online gaming. She certainly lived with a man who sounds a lot like your SS. It was awful, and that was my life at the same time my SS was addicted to drugs. Sounds like a bad novel now.

My daughter finally agreed to counseling (three years later, she is still seeing her therapist but is also just about to finish community college and is applying to schools to continue with her bachelors degree. I think she was depressed and got sucked into this fake world where she had power and status and "friends", while her real world was falling apart.

There is hope. You might need to be the one to keep this moving, since your DH has been ok with ignoring the problem. Be careful of the trap of applying for jobs online -- that's the way a lot of employers hire these days, but it's also an excuse to be wasting time on the computer. Can you set up h is computer in a common area so he can't hide in his room?

Keep us posted!

Awesome. You will probably end up being closer to this kid in the long run. He listen, he's willing to act, and he accepted your criticism. That shows he has a good character. You just have to wash off all the gunk to see it.