She is his daughter, NOT mine.
I have been reading some of the posts and have found the advice and support here wonderful. Wish I found this years ago.
"She is his daughter, NOT mine", When is it ok to say this? I have a strained relationship with my SD and DH thinks the sun rises and sets upon her. She is his perfect angel. She is 35 with 3 children so DH spends a LOT of time there visiting the grandkids. She lived with us 50% when she was a teen and we had an OK relationship - probably as OK as it was cuz DH was always on my side and supported me. This has STOPPED since she became a mom and now has dredged up all the mistakes I made when she was growing up. I am now at the stage of disengaging or leaving. My DH likes to say, "but she's OUR daugher!". I am starting to cringe everytime he says that now due to her mean gossip to her dad behind my back. CAn I change my role now? Or is it too late? Any advise would be appreciated.
All I can say is that he
All I can say is that he supported you before- when she was actually living there- I want to believe there is hope for him to do it again.
Couple's counseling? Be honest and tell him that you've really had it and are considering leaving...? That might get him to stop and think.
I've been fighting for my husband to support me and stand by my side as my partner for over 2 years. It's been so difficult because my SD16 and SS14 live with us full time. It's like a freaking emotional warzone for me. He is just STARTING to see that being my partner is what's going to make this work.
Thank you so much for your post. It's so great for me to see that even if we are partnered while they live with us, that it can shift once they are grown adults :? Ugh, unbelievable. Just when I think I'm in the clear!! LOL.
So grateful for this site, such an eye opener.
btw, for me, once I told my
btw, for me, once I told my husband I was unhappy, fed up and considering leaving IS when he really started to make an effort and things are changing for the better.
Hope this helps
It is sad but true - Even if
It is sad but true - Even if you do get past the living at home years, things can change very quickly and can turn real ugly. I actually cannot stand to look at her or hear her voice anymore. I hate that it has come to this. I hope your DH can stand up for you now and FOREVER. Take care.
Depends on what you mean by
Depends on what you mean by "ok" In my case, it's okay to say "she's not my daughter" at roughly the same type of times when it's okay to tell my best friend that she's getting fat. I have found that it's okay (and this is just because of our dynamic) when I give him notice - Dh, I need to talk to you about something and I need you to be a receptive mood, so let me know when that is, and we'll talk. Sometimes, he's ready then, sometimes not for a couple of days.
I would have a talk with your DH about "If she's Our daughter, then why do you allow her to say such horrible things about me to you? Why are you gossiping with her behind my back?"
I'm curious if you've tried to talk to your SD about any of this... I understand that in many situations this could be completely futile and I don't know yours. For me - I guess I would have made a pretty snarky comment to SD along the lines of "Oh, so you're just the absolutely perfect parent then? Talk to me when your children are 20 and we'll compare notes - you can tell me all the ways you think I screwed up when you were a kid and I'll give you my notes on your screw ups with your kids." Not super productive, I realize, but if she keeps tearing you down, particularly to your husband, I wouldn't keep my mouth shut.
I mean Ok in that i don't
I mean Ok in that i don't have to be friends or anything else with her now. She has made it clear that she has no respect for me and walks all over DH and my relationship now that she is all growed up LOL. Everytime I try to talk to DH about the situation he stomps off all pissed off at me - as if this is all my fault.
Almost ALL kids have issues
Almost ALL kids have issues with the way they were parented. My sister and brother both bring up TO MY MOM'S FACE the many things she did wrong. It's about growing up and realizing that your parents and steps did what they could with what they had or knew. Nobody is perfect, and your sd isn't going to parent perfectly either. Your dh needs to realize this, and lovingly tell her that you did the best you could with what you had to work with. Or maybe someone needs to point out all he things HER kids will have to say about HER one day and let her imagine how that will feel.
Thanks for the great replies.
Thanks for the great replies. I have tried to talk to SD but she is RIGHT no matter what. And her dad now agrees with her all the time - he didn't when she was a teen. That is what makes this soooo hard to deal with. I never imagined that after all these years she would turn on me so bad. I am invited to visit the grandkids with DH but it seems every time I do she makes some snarky comment to get my goat. I usually end up with hurt feelings or the shock and awe effect. Of course, I always think of great come-backs once I get home LOL. I just avoid seeing her now and it is beginning to cause problems with DH. We fight every time I bring up my feelings, because she has feelings from 20 years ago that are more important. sigh. I am just tired now. Thought our life would get easier not tougher. By the way this new problem has been ongoing for 2 years and she criticizes how we are raising our son (he is 13). She is mostly critical of my parenting him and her when she was a teen. I am not a bad person, and have tried my whole life to blend well. As we speak DH went away for the weekend to our cottage with her and her kids and her DH instead of staying home with me and my son.
She's and Adult now answer is
She's and Adult now answer is very accurate. I have mentioned to DH that, "NO if she was my daughter she would NEVER treat me the way she does now".
I just realized what I said
I just realized what I said --- I never thought she would turn on me this bad. What I really mean I think is that I didn't think DH would ever betray me the way he has. She can try all she wants to manipulate but HE IS ultimately in control of how much power he gives her. Our cottage is up for sale and he was shopping for OUR new cotage with SD. Kinda backwards I think.
Don't apologize for all the
Don't apologize for all the questions! I truly appreciate the input and any and all questions, since i hardly know myself what the issues are anymore. I think it is because once the grandkids came along she must feel superior to me for some reason. Not sure why or maybe she just realized that there is no way I could love her the way a bio mom would. Not really sure. DH just slowly got sucked in with her little digs and special talks until one day he came down on me hard and validated every complaint she had made to him in private. She clearly wants control of her dad for some reason - my dear friend told me it is about money (inheritance) not that we have that much LOL, but enough for her to worry about i guess. I don't get DH's attitude in that she can express all she wants but if i have anything negative to say i am paranoid. She told DH I must be menopausal and moody cuz of that. She has an answer to everything.
I really feel for you. This
I really feel for you. This must be so difficult considering that your DH was once supportive. For SD to imply the reason for the miscommunication is because you are "menopausal and moody" is a low blow and totally uncalled for. You DH should have not allowed her to speak of you like that and should be ashamed of himself. Something is so not right here. Ask him to go to counselling with you.
Thank you very much! I am
Thank you very much! I am really appreciating all the support and understanding here. Noone really understands how awful it can get unless you have been there. I am on my way to work but will check back a later tonight.
I absolutely see your side in
I absolutely see your side in this. I raised my SD from the age of 3.
I have been the coordinator of everything for my SD...you name it...birthdays, First Holy Communion, graduation parties, college applications, student loans...everything. Her parents sat back and enjoyed all the free work.
My SD is now 19 and I really do not care for her to be by our side oh so much. She caused major problems when she was 16 and destroyed my relationship with my sister in laws.
We are on decent terms but I really do not care for her to be in my home full time between college terms any more.
I understand that forced "SHE IS YOUR KID" garbage. No she is not.
She is your husband's daughter and not a mess that you created. She sounds very disrepectful and your DH is way out of touch. There is no reason that your DH should not be more supportive of you.
I agree with above posters...NO daughter of mine would ever live to snark at my parenting...no one is perfect. She ought to be grateful that her dad found someone to make him and happy and was willing to put up with her crap.
Sorry to hear you acquired an
Sorry to hear you acquired an ulcer from all that BS. I too have had my share of health issues. My sisters all believe a lot of it is stress related. This past summer I had C. Difficile resulting from antibiotics due to an infection / flu I caught from the step-grandkids. SD decided it is perfectly OK to bring sick kids up to the cottage and plunk them on my couch with fevers. I was starting a new job the next week and got quite sick. Couldn't take time off and got worse. C. Diff lasted for 3 months on and off. I lost 25 lbs. and still get very tired. Lost half of my hair too. Dec. 19 I had surgery for cancer. Was off work and sick again. I feel soo tired and sooo done with the BS. Life is too short. I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THE PAIN. Carly Simon sings it best. Hugs to all the step moms suffering.
I also thought that I had a
I also thought that I had a so so ok relationship with dh's bio daughter. BUT as years went by this relationship turned on a downward spiral. This kid is not a kid anymore she will be 44 soon. As I looked back I recalled many times that dh would bail her out $$$ if you get my drift. I remember he would tell me I don't care what you say or what you do she is "MY daughter". Everything always as to be hand delivered to her which naturally pissed me off. This so called sd also would throw cheap shots remarks at me & dh would never defend me. He told me that I am being too sensitive. Now that I finally woke up to her devious games, I CANNOT PUT UP WITH HER ANYMORE! A few years ago I had to separate myself from dh and his wacko kid just to relief myself from this on going lying daughter of a bitch it was all that I could take. Now all these secretive things that he has done behind my back- backed fired. She is divorced and now shacking up with a hispanic guy & drinks so much just like a replica of her bio mother they now both have yellow toned skin from drinking. BTW his X-wife is either on her way out or heading to a nursing home. Sd has 2 kids, One lives with her maternal grandmother & the other lives from one house to another. She ruined those kids. I can't even bring dh's whacko kid's name up anymore because he gets infuriated. Every time she has a problem that she creates dh takes his frustrations out on me. I don't ever want to see her again. I do not want to get involved with stupidity. My dh can be very puzzling.Please don't get me wrong he is a nice guy when his bio daughter is not in our lives. Some people never change but I have. SHE IS NOT MY DAUGHTER & AMEN TO THAT.