Welcome. I think you will find this place a bit tough to deal with. I struggle often reading stories of SM's who HATE/DESPISE their young stepkid. I had difficulty with mine as teens and never disliked them as children. Of course, I've had difficulty with my "bio" kids as teens, too.

Sounds like your mother is a piece of shit, and she picked a man who'd be a piece of shit right there with her. There are shitty bioparents and shitty stepparents. There are good bioparents and good stepparents.

As an adult now, you can make the decision of who you want in your life. Choose the people who ADD to your life. I can't figure out why your mom would kidnap you when it sounds like she didn't want you. Maybe she hated your dad more than anything, and that was the best way to hurt him. I don't know.

From here on out, you write your own story. People in your life have started the canvas of who you are; it's up to you to finish the masterpiece.

Dont take it personal, she voiced her opinion too. You just didnt like it. Not everyone is wired the same. I love my skids and many posters here I believe went into their marriages really hoping for something more. I dont think it is for a lack of want that these women have such terrible relationships for their skids. Not everyone believes in forgiveness and second chances. Thats just how this world is. Every persons situation is different though and really some of the things these kids do is just as appalling. perhaps you are a new smom but keep in mind some of these women have spent literally DECADES being abused and shit on by these kids simply for not being who the child and bm wants. Ask auteur. Ask houtexstepmom. Or Ommy. All of their situations are different but being a child isnt an adequate excuse for being abused for years. Teachers wont deal with a child like this but a smom MUST because she is married to a man with kids? Ive never heard of more than one person on this site who went into marriage thinking " wow I want to spend the next 17 years hating his kids!" These women disengage because they are DESPERATE. TIRED. ALONE. UNSUPPORTED. Your story isnt the norm. It sounds like it should be on 60 minutes lol, it isnt the typical. This I believe entitles you to your feelings but discredits your authority to make such sweeping judgements on others.

Honey, you just addressed an entire genre of women and parents, what outcome did you expect? I honestly would like to know? Im not attacking you, I am clarifying for you that when you address an entire audience with unwarranted advice you will recieve some in return. You seem awfully worked up for someone who has it all figured out. As far as pissing in my milk as you so daintily put it, not at all. I have an excellent relationship with my skids and FDH. I had a wonderful stepdaddy, but my experiences havent clouded my judgement enough to take for granted or assume to know what ANYONE has gone through with theirs. Thats between them and their God.

I'm not sure why you are so upset, you had to know you would get this reaction if you wrote this post.

Just because you can't see the reason that someone dislikes their young skids, doesn't mean there isn't one. I suspect the main reason some stepmoms don't like their stepkids is because their husbands have allowed the children to treat her like shit, with very little consequences due to the fact that they want their kids to like them and are scared they won't come visit them anymore if they lay down the law. I think most of this is displaced anger, it should really be directed toward their DH, but it's easier to blame the kids then to rock the boat in the relationship.

It's much harder to put up with crap from kids who aren't yours. Kids who aren't yours are more annoying, less tolerable, their boogers and poop are more disgusting. I think it's pure biology. We're programmed to think our kids are better, otherwise we wouldn't keep the human population going, because even though I love kids, ya gotta admit they are annoying and difficult at times. Added to them not being yours, and add that to they get away with treating you poorly, and add that to they look or act like the woman you hate...and you have a recipe for disaster. I think most ladies here started out thinking things would be different, but kids almost never like their stepparents, and don't appreciate them. It's sort of a lose-lose situation unless you've got some spectacular kids who are expected to treat their stepparent with respect and kindness.

Of course, there are a few women on here I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, let alone some poor kid, but 99% of the women on here decent people who did the best they could and have repeatedly been shit on. You also have to realize that most people here still treat their stepkids well, they just come here to bitch and complain, because that's what this site is for. You aren't really getting the full picture of what's really going on in people's homes when you are almost always seeing the bad on here.

I'm very sorry for your childhood. I can't imagine. But you are seeing things through your own lens, as everyone else here is. I'm truly happy you have a supportive and awesome husband who will be your partner, and hopefully will be nothing like some of the DH's these Stepmoms are dealing with, which only leads to heartache and resentment toward everyone in the situation.

Totally understand the dismay hun. The venom on here is painful and scary to read :O

I think foresfairy has pretty much nailed it. Misplaced anger. Kids towards steparents, and steparents towards kids. When in fact the real culprit, the real person who deserves everyones anger is usually the parent. The parent who allows and by their silence encourages disrespect and rudness from their children towards the steparent.

In my case I do not hate my SD. I hate everything she has every said or done, and I despise the fact that this 30 year old has made it plain and clear to everyone since the first day I met her in her early 20's that she wants my husband and myself dead, I have the way she treats her father, and for years I hated that more than I hated the way she treated me. Then one day I woke up, all of this had gone on for 8 years because her father, my DH had allowed and actively encouraged it, he never once said so much as pull your head in to her. He sat there and never said a word when she would offer everyone in the room drinks except me, at her birthday dinner when she passed birthday cake around the table as far as DH and left me sitting there at the table looking like an idiot, what did DH do - NOTHING.

So, yes for a while I did hate SD but then one day the penny dropped and while I will never have her in my home again, that has more to do with her father than it does with her. I will not allow my husband to treat me like this ever again. He does this for one reason and one reason only, he left them, they are angry and he thinks if they hate me that means they love him. WEIRD.

So, we all have different stories, different reasons and different circumstances in our lives. However if you have a husband who respects you, who would never allow his child to treat you like dog poo on the soles of their feet, you are lucky and more able to cope with the day to day stresses of life and parenting, but if your husband is like mine, then you are so hurt and disappointed in your husband you cannot deal with the rudeness from his children as well.

I do understand your thinking about "young" children and if it were not for the fact that this is a venting site I would probably agree more wholeheartly with you. But you do have to understand this is a venting site, it is here to get our frustrations out, and although you may not agree with the language used or the tone of the post, you do have to understand that it was more than likely written in a bad moment of a bad time. It is never just one thing that drives people to steptalk. It is the culmanation of a lot of things and often posts are written when people are at their wits end.

I think you had a rough time as a child, and I think you are to be commended. I grew up the child of alcholics, and I have an occassional drink, and I love my children unconditionally. My brother the same, my two sisters well, they blame mum and dad for everything and their lives and the lives of their children reflect that. You, like my brother and myself have learnt from a bad experience and that has made you a better person, it has made you more understanding as a steparent, and I think you may also have a supportive DH, but no matter what, you learnt from it and did not repeat it. For that I congratulate you. Too many people seem to think that as they were abused as a child, then they can abuse children, well they use that as an excuse in the courts anyway. But you clearly have not done that so well done. But please understand this, while we may not always understand a post or like the tone of it ourselves, we the people on this site that are struggling will rise up as one to defend the others right to say it. Not to do it, not to abuse a child, not to hurt or hate a child to the point that you were hated and treated none of us would support that, but we would support the mother in her despair and we would defend her right to vent on this site. We try doesn't always work, but we do try to support each other here, that does not mean we always agree with what is said, but we do always understand the frustration that causes it to be said.

The fault here lies with YOUR mother, not your stepfather. That's the first thing.

The second thing is, you are ONLY 22. You obviously haven't been a stepmother long enough to understand what many here have put up with. I was incredibly nice to that "little 4 yr old" I met. I did it all for her. I did more than her loser mother. And as the years went by, she turned on me, thanks to her BM yes, but to me, really, that's no excuse. It's no excuse because my mother HATED my aunt (my uncle's 2nd wife)...no matter how many times my mother bad mouthed that woman, I NEVER treated her badly. To this day, 30+ years later, I still treat my aunt with respect and love her dearly for what "I SAW" she was, not what "my mother said she was". If I could do that from the age of 7-8, why couldn't the loser kid? Sorry, kids can be manipulated, but MANY times, but sometimes, they are who they are. My mother to this day does not even talk to her brother or sister in law...she talks to the ex-wife. To this day, I still talk to my uncle and his wife, and NEVER again have attempted to make ANY contact with his pathetic ex-wife. I was only 7-8 when my mother started bad mouthing her...and I understood, just as my sister and brother...and heck, my brother was even younger. When you don't see the other person, ie. idiot BM hides you from dad, it IS easier to PAS that kid and I could almost say because the kid doesn't see the person, they could actually believe what the BM says...but when you SEE the other person all the time and STILL treat them like crap, just because, then I have no tolerance for it.

Funny, I disengaged because she did everything in her power to create problems between my husband and I...constantly lied about me yelling at her, her being "afraid of me", etc...just to get her way...What was I to do? Still "love" her? Are you kidding? She did a great job and now she's 17, a high school dropout, a baby mama of 1 with another on the way...A lot that her pathetic mother loved her...and yet, she has STUCK by her mother's side. Her mother beat her, even ALLOWED her step father to beat her...They treated her like a maid...Yet, at MY home she was never treated that way. She was treated like the child she was. I can understand that a kid is 2-3, etc...but after 7-8-9, etc...kids GET IT!

PS - my son is autistic, has social delays, has speech delays...he's had kids make fun of him...guess what? When I have told my son that if a kid says something bad to him that he should say "well, at least I'm smart or cute as opposed to you!", especially to one little ahole who has told him "there is something wrong with your brain, you need to go to the dr and get your brain checked out", my DELAYED son says to me "but mom, that would not be nice...I would never want to hurt his feelings just because he hurt mine". So, no, don't tell me idiot skid couldn't get that, especially when I never hurt her feelings. If my son gets it with his delays, these kids should also get it.

PS wow...as we always say, funny...nothing in the original post about "mom and dad" taking responsibility and CHANGING THEIR ways...nope...as usual, it's stepmom or stepdad's job to fix the mess that the bio parents created...it's their job to take the kid under their wing and do MORE than the the bio parents...and by the way, "you are still not my mother/father", your just my mom or dad's wife...love it.

"I know I'm still probably going to piss some people off but thats fine because I feel like this needs to be said."

You knew it would piss people off, you did it anyway and you're surprised at some of the responses you've gotten, which BTW, have been Very circumspect compared to what other posts like this have been met with. And you feel it Has to be said. Why? Why did it have to be said? You don't think the women (and men) here don't already have enough judgmental people in their lives telling us that we should love these kids like our own? The we should just try a little harder? That's we're the adults so we should just get over whatever hate and disrespect is throw our way?

People disengage and take the attitude of "not my kid, not my problem" because it's the only way to maintain our sanity. Most of these step-parents that disengage either have no authority and thus want to have way less responsibility as that gets coupled with no appreciation as well, or they tried and given and been hurt so badly that in order to stay with their spouse, they have to stop giving to this malevolent little being that wishes them ill.

There's a stepmom with a 7 year who shits himself at least once a day On Purpose. How is she supposed to love that? There are 5 and 6 and 7 year olds that flat out tell their smom's I hate you, I'm going to get Daddy to leave you, you better not have a baby, I'll do (insert awful horrible thing here) to it. And you're upset that someone looked at a 6 year old and thought, holy crap that kid's going to grow up to be a stripper? I love my 6 year old niece, but she's got some less than stellar parents and I've had that thought about her.

You say you would "NEVER just write my SD off as some lost cause just because she acts like her mom sometimes". Well, that's not the reason most of the smom's here have written off their stepkids. They write them off because of months or years of abuse from the child. They write them off because the dad is happy to have them to the feeding, bathing, cleaning, but refuses to include them in any decisions, refuses to allow the smom to discipline and won't do it himself. They write them off because the birth mother calls CPS for taking a kid's phone or video game away and makes her life a living hell and many times even after that, dad still won't step up.

"you could very easily provide guidance and be a positive role model if you wanted to...just saying." Um. No. Sorry honey, but you're just wrong here. Guidance is a no go when every time the kid is with BM, she's telling your skid what a horrible person you are, the nasty things she should do to you, why you don't matter, why the kid doesn't need to listen to anything you say. When the father doesn't even support the smom this is also totally unrealistic. Positive role model - sure, but the kids that get talked about on here, they aren't paying attention or if they are, it's a sign of weakness.

You are 22 - you are young and must be relatively new to the step-parent game. You had a crap childhood and it sounds like you are having some trauma thinking about it when you read what some people write. But your original post and several responses have been judgmental. You posted your opinion - that's fine, but when you do you open yourself to hearing everyone else's and they did. No one gave you crap about stating your opinion but you sure got defensive when other people started giving theirs. I'm with dtzy here - you want to make grand sweeping statements, walk in their shoes first. I don't personally know of anyone on here that went into the marriage with "yay, now I can hate his kids up close and personal for the rest of my life." The writing kids off thing is something that evolves because of the actions of the parents and the child themselves.

Kids, even young kids, can be horrible, manipulative and downright MEAN. Their age does not exempt them from doing terrible things. At 4, at 6, they know (or should know) that hurt someone else is Wrong but a lot of these kids do it anyway. So the smom writes them off after she's been hurt enough times. She probably tried to correct it, she probably tried to teach them better and usually, she's undermined.

It sucks that you went through what you did, but your story is not the story of everyone else. We all see the world through our own bias and experiences... And it's really hard to have compassion and sympathy and understanding for the kids that are doing their best to break up your marriage, hurt you or just otherwise make your life hellish.

IAmALady77...I completely get where you are coming from on this. I was a stepchild too and I could never imagine treating my SS's the way you were treated. My stepfather and I had our times when we didn't agree, but now I see his reasoning behind how he treated me and my sisters. Some of the SM's on here have DHs who have that "guilty daddy" syndrome (gah...how I wish my daddy would feel the same way with me...a**hole doesn't know what he's missed with me), and I ask myself the same question you posed in the beginning of this post. I post blogs on here and my life is far from normal and I get attacked, just like you did. These SMs on here seem to act as entitled as their Skids, don't they? Honestly...their DHs had lives and kids before they walked into the picture. The SMs seem to think that their DH should just give the previous life up and start anew with them. Well...that doesn't happen. SMs pretty much clean up the mess that the BM left behind. It's a fact of life. Anyways...I just wanted to say that I get where you are coming from and if you need anyone to talk to (especially in a nonjudgmental way), just message me.

So, Iamalady, let me ask about your relationship with your "foster" mother, the adult role model you turned to when your POS birth mother kicked you out....

Did you steal from her? Were you voilent towards her? Did you cuss in her face? Were you rude, aggressive, unappreciative towards her? Did you ignore her and spend your time wheedling money/favours/treats from her husband?

I assume not. I assume from what you have said that you had a MUTUALLY loving, respectful and considerate relationship with her. Something that the majority of step parents on this site LACK!

We are here because we deal with bio parents who alienate their children from bio and step parents or bio parents who refuse to parent properly out of fear or laziness or children who abuse the one person who steps up to try. We need somewhere to go so we don't pour out our pain and frustration and yes, sometimes rage on the little darlings. It's our safe place to VENT!!I'm sorry if you are not hearing whatever it is that you want to hear but we have all had years of dealing with this.

i was a sd, too. to a POS abusive, trashy drunk sf. he made my life hell. that doesn't make me feel like i have to love my sd19 when she's a total shit to me. just because i had a bad stepparent doesn't mean i have to always adore my skid. i don't understand what your story has to do with anyone. you said your sf always did things for "his" kids. why is "his" in quotes. they are "HIS"! no, that doesn't mean he had the right to be nasty to you, but i don't get the quotes. my kids are MINE, no quotes necessary.

you are doing an awful lot of assuming. the women on her who don't like their skids have damn good reason, even if they are young. you are picturing yourself as the skid in all these situations. you are not the skid, and you do not know how these kids act. they aren't just great kids that sm's decide to not like because we didn't have them. you said your mom and sf "promptly popped out" your sisters. do you think they had no right to have children together, because that's how it sounds.

you really come off as someone who thinks your mom and sf shouldn't have had kids because mom already had you, and sf shouldn't love his kids more than you (it's only natural that he is going to love them in a way he can't love you) and you are definitely placing yourself as the skid in all of our situations. you have no idea what you are talking about. wait until your sd becomes a teenager and then come back and tell us how easy it is to love a kid that isn't yours. just because we are women does not mean we are obligated to love all children, even our skids.

My own paternal GRANDMOTHER treated me like I was in boot camp. I thank her for it (she's been deceased for a long time)

"Maternal" instinct is OVERRATED in that many equate being "maternal" with being the "coochie coo" type which, turn out the WORST children especially if their is no father disciplinarian model in the family.

To me the "coochie coo" type of parent who has ZERO expectations of their progeny is far worse than a neglectful, alcoholic mother. Neglect can be overcome, but teaching a child through zero structure, boundaries, discipline out of so-called "love" to be lazy, entitled, self-centered, greedy, manipulative cretins is the ultimate in an abusive parent.

OP, I have not read all of the responses however it sound to me like your issues are clearly with your mother. To answer your question: "Why would you marry someone if you don't "like" kids" It is actually very simple- I did not want to marry his kids ! and me falling in love with him was not sweetened by the fact that he had children from a previous marriage. I try to tolerate his kids which is as good as it gets for now. In my world it isn't ALL ABOUT THE KIDS! Also it is very judgmental of you to question comments made by Step parents who have dealt with horrible step children and step adults! If you come across a blog that you are not comfortable with then keep moving. Oh and BTW, I too had a step dad who I loved like a bio Father but he did not have to contend with PAS, or other issues, I was also taught to respect adults and I was probably not an asshole like some of the step kids in question.

also your questions and story isn't that original, we get a similar blog about every 2 months from a hurt step kid or so they claim!

Whateva

Lady77. I think if you had presented your history and concerns to this community in a different light you would have received much gentler input. Your opening sentence was provocative and intended to put posters on the defensive, which puts your sincerity in question whether that was your intention or not.

You are very young and because of your background have psychological problems that need to be rooted out and resolved. You are an adult victim of Parental Alienation—a most vicious form of emotional abuse inflicted on children in contentious divorce by a personality, disordered parent. That abuse will have lifelong negative consequences for you. Google: Adult Children of Parental Alienation please.

I would hazard a guess to say that most among us do not support the rare woman who outright rejects a toddler because it not her own or reminds them of a BM. We know it is impossible to disengage from a 4 year old because their needs are too immediate. But, rules of engagement must be defined to somewhat reduce the rage of an envious, scheming BM and a society that stereotypes stepmothers—something you have also done.

You likely also don’t know there is an ocean of difference between a foster mother and a stepmother. A foster mother has a much, much, MUCH easier go of it, because she is socially seen as a saint even though she may in reality be far from it. A stepmother is socially seen as a pariah even though she may in reality be far from it. The stepmother many times is unfairly and harshly judged guilty and victimized by an extensive campaign of relational aggression the second she signed her marriage license.

A foster mother NEVER faces that social and emotional abuse. In fact, she is offered all kinds of support and praise for her efforts while a stepmother, who does exactly the same things for the child will be scrutinized, criticized, told she is unnecessary, overstepping, and a nasty woman that nobody likes or wants around. BM will do everything in her power (including recruiting the children at any age to attack SM on her behalf) to make sure a SM never develops a close relationship with HER child. Some younger SMs may not use that language, but that is the toxic dynamic they are dealing with.

There are many things in this complex relationship called a stepfamily that you could not possibly know, either through life experience or education. How could you? You are not qualified to come here and school SMs about their alleged bad behaviour without knowing the environs.

Hope that helps!

I think it is painfully obvious that it is the parents who sucked in this op's life. The stepparent was just along for the ride. If you are asking why would a person marry someone if they didnt want to parent their new spouses child-why on earth would a PARENT choose someone who was not interested in taking care of their offspring? You were your mother and father's responsibility. Bottom line. They failed you. It is sad-but it is not a stepparent issue. Sounds like they would have failed you even if they had stayed single their whole lives.

Anyone else here wondering why this was addressed to smoms when according to her all her issues stemmed from a pos biomom and sf? In fact all the trauma appears to be offset by another woman figure who isnt the bio mom...sounds strangely like... A step mother role...

You're new at this stepmom thing, aren't you?

Walk a mile in someone shoes before you judge

I don't think Lady77 meant to judge all the stepparents in the world so harsh. She doesn't understand the concept of being a step-parent.We shouldn't be so hard on her. She will see later on.
Even your own kids are ungrateful sometimes, let alone stepkids.

*flick*

No judgement from me. I do think you are pretty new to the stepmom game. Heck, I'm only 3 years in, but I can kind of see your point. I've felt like that at some points, but you've got to think about things. Some of these steps have been putting up with these children for years and even though they have been the good role model and done everything right, some kids are just unhappy their parents remarried. So, they make the lives of the steps hell because unfortunately sometimes we take the blame. That's life. I don't think that any of them particularly hate the children, they are just well past done with dealing with that nonsense.

Just a thought.

Unless the kid has some kind of mental problem I can see not liking a 4 year old if said 4 year old is allowed to do whatever they want and is an out of control monster with no discipline ever. Someone who doesn't have to deal with something like that wouldn't understand. Just saying.