BM1 came to visit ss yesterday for the first time in years
So for two hours yesterday my house was filled with his biomom, bio grandma, and his two half brothers (ages 17 and 20). We haven't heard a word from these people in years and they fb message my Dh on Monday that they want to come. Bm and bgm came for a 15 minute visit in 2009, and when the left they told ss that they'd be coming back next weekend to take him to lunch. He waited by the window waiting for them, refusing to eat lunch for hours..... They never called and haven't heard from them til two days ago. And before that we last saw them in 2007 when she last came for her eowe visitation.
I was suprised that they actually showed up (an hour late) and they stayed for two hours. It was ss's 10th birthday, and v-day.... And not a one of them even brought the kid a card, let alone a bday gift. They all had smart phones, brand name clothes, nice sneakers, bm had her hair dyed and done up, and yet they can't spring for a 2 dollar card for ss that they haven't seen in years? Really? Over 15 thousand in arrears on child support, and they have no shame talking about all the apps that they have for their smart phones. Just chit chatting like nothing.
Ss was so excited about his bm and family I didn't get even a thankyou for any of the gifts, or cake..... Or the party I sent to school for him to have with his friends at lunch time. Even this morning, he says what a great bday he had with his mom, and how them coming was the best part. Twist the knife a little harder ss.
Not to mention that I got all the kids a little chocolate for v-day...got Dh a card and a gift. And I got nothing from anyone. So great day for Peanut.
Why did you let them come to
Why did you let them come to your house?
Why did your DH let them see his kid? At some point, it is more harmful for the parents to act this way than to never see the kid.
Well, it wasn't my decision,
Well, it wasn't my decision, and I would rather it be in my house than them take him. She still have the legal right to take him every other weekend if she chose to, so id rather let her come to my house to see him, instead of fighting her and her coming and taking him.
We don't want to ever be accused of preventing him from being with his mother. Her lack of involvement is entirely her own doing, and the last thing we want is to give her the easy out of "but I wanted to see you and be a part of your life but daddy and peanut wouldn't let me.", which would drive him to her defense even more.
So at this point, if she wants to make the occationally visit at our house, we don't stop her. But if she was to try and take him we would fight her in court.
It just kills me, that I've been his only mother for the past five years, and his primary caregiver/mother figure for the year and a half before that. Yet the second she walks in the door, I cease to exist.
The only one who said thank
The only one who said thank you all night was bioson 2.5. He thanked me for the v-day candy, and he thanked me for giving him a piece of icecream cake. Nothing from anyone else.
And they are old enough now, sure I almost feel like the words are empty even when they do say it. I want genuine appreciation for the things I do, not just to hear the words come out of their mouth because someone told them to say it.
My bioson is just so different than my skid. I don't know if it because he's younger, if its cause I am his bio mom, or if he's just fundementally different. But I very rarely have to remind him to say please and thank you. And when he says it you can see the appreciation in his face, and hear the gratitude him his voice. He says them completely unprompted. We leave the park its an emphatic thank you mommy I had a really fun time. And the skid just sit there and say nothing. Or a random, I had a really fun day today mommy as we are getting his jammies on. I never get that from the skids. The most I ever get is a deadpan thank you (on occation) when I hand them something.
I would have had a CSE rep
I would have had a CSE rep there to arrest BM for the $15K in arrearages in CS. Nail her for the deadbeat that she is.
I have zero tolerance for deadbeats.
She gets hauled into court
She gets hauled into court every year/year and s half. The way it work here in FL is that when they hit $5000 owed, they go to court. Judge makes them pay a certain amount or they go to jail. Monthly CS gets recalculated to account to the amount owed so it comes out "even" at the kids 18th birthday. Then her 5000 dollar ticker starts again at 0, even though she still owes us a ton of money (since the court feels that they've "taken care of that" by readjusting her monthly payment) so she's been to court three times so far. So basically she makes a one time payment equal to two months child support every year and a half, just to keep herself out of jail.
I feel you pain. I have felt
I feel you pain. I have felt the same way on more than one occasion. As I'm sure all stepaprents have. I'm not sure what life style your BM leads. But to drop in and out of a childs life like that is abandonment and its very hurtful for ss. Unless BM lives far away I'm not sure I won't put a stop to that. Ya'll are way nicer than I could ever be. Our BM hasn't seen ss for 3 months because she won't go to sv. DH told her you either be the Mother your suppose to be for SS. Or I will see you in court. BM is on drugs and running from the law. So that was her warning. If Bm doesn't get her sh** straight soon, its over for her. BM history has alot to do with DH making those decisions. My DH doesn't want ss to ever come back and say why did you not let me see my BM or Why did you take her rights away. In other words DH doesn't want to take the blame. Its not about blame its about what is right for the child. In your case letting ss see Bm may be right. Our BM history is why we decided to do something different. If she can get clean and stay that way for a year or two DH would probably let BM see ss. We always wonder if we make the right chooses?
Didn't mean to post twice.
Didn't mean to post twice. Sorry.
She's not on drugs or
She's not on drugs or anything like that. Just a lazy selfish pig. She lost custody of all the kids (my ss, and his 2 older brothers by her first husband) when ss was 2 due to neglect. Dirty, unsafe house, unsanitary living conditions ect. So when dcf pulled the kids she had a year and a half to complete a parenting plan to get them back. She didn't comlete a single item on her plan so she lost custody, but they gave her eowe visits at her mothers house so that the boys would still get to see eachother. Once the case was finished and she realized that she would never get custody back, her visits became erratic, and then stopped all together. She lives about 30 minutes away, or atlesst she did.... Don't really know sure she is now. Didn't care to ask her.
We would much prefer she just disappears, because we know that her popping in and out isn't good for him. But this is only her second visit in 5 years, so we are kind of taking the stand of "dont poke the bear". If we push, she may push back and then wed be in a worse situation. Hopefully she will just fade away again like she did in 2009. But if not, she def wont be taking him without a court fight, but we hope not to push it that far if we don't have to.
Peanut, I'm not breaking any
Peanut,
I'm not breaking any news when I tell yout that, as a step-parent, you don't mean shit to those kids. Not trying to be mean, not trying to claim that I know all of the detals of your situation, but this story has been born out here more times than I can count. There might be rare exceptions somewhere, but 99.99% of the time, skids will drop their step-parents like a hot potato if their absent bio-parent offers so much as a crumb of attention.
It's just the cold reality of step-parenting. The only answer that I have is to disengage. You can still be there to support your husband, but if you open up your heart, most likely your skids will drive a garbage truck into it.