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Got into it with DH last night.... yet again

PeanutandSons's picture

So I get home from work, and Dh has been home with the kids for about an hour. BS (2) was watching me pull in from the window, and when I openness the door, came running around his train table to see me. As he rounded the corner he slips on cat pee (ill explain this later) his feet swing out from under him, and he cracks his head on the corner of the train table. So bs begins screaming bloody murder, I run to him and pick him up. Dh, who is on the computer with his back to us, says what happened.....I didn't answer cause I was focusing on bs, and again says without turning around what happened. I tell him bs cracked his head on the corner of the train table cause he slipped on cat pee. (not sure if Dh even realized I was home until I spoke).

Dh gets up and starts to come over, and starts to ask bs if he ok....atleast I assume that what he's going to say because half way through he looks back at the computer screen and sees that his ship in th game got blown up. Well he loses it. Screaming, slamming thing, swearing, basically acting like an asshole child.

I ignore his tirade and focus on making sure bs is ok, as he is still screaming his head off. Which is not like him, he's usually a super tough kid. So I'm worrying concussion or skull fracture (unlikely I know, but I was in mommy mode), and trying to comfort him while Dh is carrying on which is just adding more stress and agitation to the situation.

Now to explain the cat pee before I finish the story. We took in a stray kitten a few months ago, and had to wait for her to get bigger to get her slayer. Well, I think she is coming into her first heat, and a few days ago began peeing on the floor. BUT it could also be from the fact that SD hasn't been cleaning the cat boxes like she is supposed to. Dh gave her that as her chore to get an allowance when I got pregnant (heaven forbid he does it himself).... And she did fine with it for a few months until Dec when due to her attitude, the allowance was taken away. So now she does a piss poor job and we've had several issues with the cats peeing on the floor because the boxes were dirty. So I don't know if this is her marking because she's going into heat or a habit now because of the dirty boxes. Dh refuses to get on her about it, and my hands are pretty tied because I am pregnant and cant be.cleaning the cat boxes.

So back to last night. I am now sitting down with bs holding an ice pack on his head, he's still crying. Dh looks over and goes Jesus bs!, like he was mad that he was still crying. He storms off the the bathroom and screams at me....so now can we get rid of the T-ing cat?...... Well, did you call to find out about slaying her? (we had discussed it the day before and he said he would call his friends that works at the shelter to see if there were any programs to get her spayed cheaply)....... When in between my 50 f-ing calls at work today!! (screaming)...... Well, you said yesterday that you'd call Joe on your lunch break (very calmly)..... He storms off to the bathroom slamming the door and still carrying on about the stupid game. (baby is still crying by the way)

SD, having to always be in the middle.of everything, then knocks on the br door to ask Dh to pass her a tissue (nevermind there are three other places in the house to get I tissue) and Dh flips again "dont you kids get that I am upset!" Not sure why he yelled at both of them, when itwas only SD that bothered him.

After everyone calmed down we talked about it. At first he appologized, but very casually. So I explain how I think its messed up that he's only concerned about the stupid game as his son is screaming in pain and for all we knew he had a head injury. That I don't understand how that game could be that important to him. And that I don't appreciate him yelling at me about the cat, because he was the one who said he'd call about it. He doesn't agree with my assessment of what occurred and said that if I'm not happy here I can always leave, a.d of I'm just going to be mad at him, he might as well just go to bed. He played his game for about and hour and went to bed at 715 last night.

When I woke up this morning he was watching tv in the living room. Didn't get up as I got up, got the kids ready for school.... Told him happy valentines day, and I left for work.

PeanutandSons's picture

Lol, typing this on my phone, so that was an autocorrrect. But honestly, I am not really attached to this cat, but the kids are.

Auteur's picture

I guess that would be one redeeming "quality" of GG. He has zero interest in gaming. The Behemoth's Snuffle on the other hand is playing Mafia Wars all day long at work on FB!!

duct_tape's picture

All I can say is that your husband is lucky as shit to have you. If he were mine, he'd be dead. You have the patience of a saint. How in the hell do you not call him every name in the book? Or does he quickly get angry to ward of the anger from others that he knows is earned? IOW, be the first to yell and be angry so no one else has the balls to add to the storm? Bitch-bluffing, man-puffing, macho-show? With a guy like that, you need to abso-fucking-lutely explode on his ass. To the tune of, "so, you think you're mad, let me show you what f'ing mad looks like...etc"
It's the old "puff-n-bluff". Many a man avoids being scolding with this age old technique.

PeanutandSons's picture

Yes...... People always say that patience is a virtue, I kind of feel like its a curse. Having patience and self control just seems to get you walked all over in this world.

The tantrums about the video game was a complete lack of self control. The yelling about the cat, I think, was trying to defect his anger, cause he has to realize deep down how retarded it is to get this involved in a game at 40 yrs old, and I am his easy target. The discussion later that night, that I believe was him being an ass on purpose to shut me up, because he knew he was completely in the wrong and didn't want to hear it. Or maybe that's just what I hope it is, because if he actually thinks there was nothing wrong with how he acted then its an even bigger problem.

duct_tape's picture

His getting pissed to shut you up, that's what I'm talking about. He's controlling with this. And you're aware of it. If you were to NOT ALLOW HIM TO DO THIS, things would change. He would then be forced to talk and admit his flaws and compromise and take a talking to. He would not be able to walk away from an arguement. It's actually a very cowardly thing for him to do. He's afraid of your calm ability to reason and is intimidated by the idea of having to engage in it.

duct_tape's picture

Exactly. Now, what do you think about men huffing and puffing to divert negative attention away from them? You know, getting angry first so that no one has the balls to be mad at them.

overit2's picture

Love the answer Draco---my ex who was controlling and abusive was the way Peanuts dh (not for dear) is. Immediately get mad in those situations to deflect.

OR anytime his kids got hurt, it was weird-the kids would cry/react more from HIS outburst then the injury itself. Was ridiculous!!!!!

And yes, I'm also glad bf really dislikes computers/gaming. I don't lose him to that...my sons on the other hand-OYYYYY

Madam Hedgehog's picture

I love video games. Love them. Can and will play for hours when I get the chance.

And there is no way I would yell at anyone over a videogame.

Your husband needs a reality check. If the game is more important to him than respecting his wife, well, I guess the game (or the entire computer) can go straight down the garbage disposal.

PeanutandSons's picture

I just keep thinking..... How would that have played out had I not been home.

Would he have just let the baby sit there in the floor crying by himself because he didn't went mess up how game.

Would he have started over to the baby to then be distracted by the ship getting distroyed and then have his tantrums while the baby sat there scared and screaming.

Somehow I doubt he'd had been a responsible father and tended to bs appropriately.

duct_tape's picture

And you should be thinking just that.

Or, he totally fakes incompetence when you're around. If you had a hidden camera when you were away, you'de probably actually see a more responsible person. Men, sorry again guys, are so good at faking failure. We then grab the mop, or the diaper, or whatever they're getting tangled up in and save the day. They go off into game land.

forestfairy's picture

I could never be with someone into video games, I hate them with a passion, but out of everything he said, this is what pissed me off the most: ". He doesn't agree with my assessment of what occurred and said that if I'm not happy here I can always leave"

Seriously? I can't stand when people act like this. Rather than taking any responsibility or look to change his own behavior, it's basically "his way or the highway".

How selfish.

PeanutandSons's picture

That's his go-to line for the past couple years. I used to play into it with the..... Of coarse I don't want to leave, I love you blah blah blah.

Now I just stare at him. Becuase there are things keeping me there..... That the house is in my name too, and that we have a child (soon to be two children) together. I am not at a point where I am willing to give up my parenting time with my son, so I am not leaving. Even if it was only every other weekend visitation that he got, that would kill me. To know my kids were over there not being supervised and being sujected to the skids maddness, and his selfish behavior.

beyond pissed-off's picture

I know exact;y nothing about computers but I would immediately be speaking with someone who does to find out a way to "disable" that thing in a way that is undetectible. Or at least have that particular game blocked or go "missing." That is insane!

PeanutandSons's picture

My Dh works with computers, so there really nothing I can do that he couldn't undo in like 10 seconds.

skylarksms's picture

You aren't yet ready to walk because he would get visitation. OK, that is fair enough.

However, you can DOCUMENT this kind of stuff. When you DO get ready to walk, you should have enough evidence that he would only be allowed supervised visits. He obviously can create a child but fails in the parenting aspect. Or actually fails in the RELATIONSHIP aspect. No wonder he is so involved with his precious game.

(said by an avid gamer who would NEVER place ANY game above my screaming child!)

PeanutandSons's picture

What exactly would I be documenting? While I concider it piss poor parenting.... It's not illegal to play games while watching kids, and its not illegal to not tend a crying kid.

3littlemonkeys's picture

I wish it was so simple. My XH was abusive and negligent. I had documentation (inlcuding police reports and hospital reports) and it didn't matter.
BAM! Standard visitation.

That's why I waited so long to leave him. I wanted to wait until the kids were old enough to handle themselves.

PeanutandSons's picture

I don't blame him for the accident, I blame him for his reaction to it. I mean, I was three yards from bs when I happened, and there was nothing I could do in time. We have terrazzo floors, so any liquid on them and you will bust your ass.

My issue is with him being completely fixated on the game when he should have been concerned about bs.

3littlemonkeys's picture

I could swear you're married to my XH. Unbelievable. I mean, it's REALLY uncanny.

All I can say is this: when I FINALLY got out of that marriage, I realized what a different life it is to not have screaming and swearing and fits of anger as an frequent life experience. It's GOLDEN.

Best wishes to you moving forward.

As far as gaming... well, this same XH now lives down the road from us at a friend's house. He does NOTHING but game all.day.long. No job, never calls or sees his kids, nothing. Gaming and the computer. That's his life. Hope the monitor shows up for his funeral.

PeanutandSons's picture

The tantrums aren't often. It's more of him completely checking out of life and devoting all his time and attention to the game. He comes home at 430 after work and is immediately on the computer and won't get off till 9 at the earliest (if there's something on tv) or sometimes its into the wee hours of the morning.