Is anyone out there happy (BMs or SDs)?
Hey Everyone,
Just discovered this forum last night. I spent several hours reading posts and have to say I was incredibly saddened by the general feelings of negativity and regret around here. I get that this is a place to vent, but, wow. Was a serious eye opener for me.
I've been on both sides of the "step" situation. I have a DS8; his dad and I get along great, we were never married and his is a fantastic father and a good friend, we had broken up before I found out I was pregnant and decided we were going to do our best for the baby. We have been extraordinarily lucky and our families are also good friends. This is one of the more unusual BM/BD situations I have heard of, but it works great for us and for DS.
When DS was 2 I moved about 5 hours away from BD and my whole family to NYC. While in NYC I met and started dating someone who I was very much in love with. I knew he was my soul mate, and was head over heels in love with him, he very honest about not being ready for the responsibility of parenting and after about 2 years, with much sadness on both sides, we ended things, though we stayed in touch and remained friends. Around this time, DS was 4, I reconnected with someone from my past who had a 3yr old son. Long story short, we married when DS was 5 and SS was 4 -- DS and I moved to the mid-west where DH was from and SS and his BM lived. I Brady Bunch visions: white picket fence, 2 kids, having a baby, perfect blended family situation. In reality, DS & SS fought constantly, SS was a behavioral nightmare, BM was emotionally absent, SS was with us (me, as my DH worked until 9pm every night and all day every Saturday) 4-5 days/nights a week and every weekend, DH was never there to help, drank too much when he was, expected too much respect and authority over my DS way too soon, DS hated both DH and SS. In other words, it was a disaster. After two years of constant heartache, resentment over being forced to basically raise DS and SS (who I loved, but who was very, very difficult) alone, and eventual verbal abuse from DH fueled by his alcoholism, and no support from his family, and 1500 miles away from my family and BD, I left and we divorced. I have had no contact with SS since then (at DH's insistence).
In August of 2010 I moved back to NYC and returned to my former job. DS has never, not once, asked about ex-DH or SS. He is now able to see BD at least one weekend a month, and is in general a very well adjusted, smart, polite (to a point, I mean, he's 8...) little boy. When asked about our former home, he will admit his misses our 4 bedroom house, and our yard, and being able to ride his bike on the sidewalk, and his friends, but he does not mention DH, SS, or DH's family. Very soon after returning to NYC I began seeing my ex again... Now older, and feeling more ready to settle down, we both felt that the time might be right, and were still in love with each other. After some time, we reintroduced him and DS and they get along great, no conflict whatsoever. However, that is part of the reason I am here.
In November, after being back together for 16 months, BF and I (with the input of DS) found and moved into a new apartment together. He makes quite a bit more money than I do and we are now able to live in a much nicer apartment in a fantastic neighborhood. As far as our relationship goes, I could not be happier, literally. This is the relationship I have been waiting my entire life for, as a woman I feel completely fulfilled. As a parent, it is a different story.
The problem is that DS and BF have little/no emotional bond, and BF is doing nothing to further their relationship and it is worrisome to me. I would like to emphasize that I *do not* expect, or want BF to be my son's father, however, almost all interaction between them only occurs when I facilitate it. We do things as a group, but BF and DS spend almost no time together, and BF does not initiate any activities. DS respects, likes and looks up to BF and is old enough to feel the lack of "relationship" and I am worried about how this may effect him in the long run. As I said, he spends at least one long weekend a month with BD, and the entire summer with him (and has since he was 2), so he has that male bond, and adores his dad (who gets along great with BF, incidently, he stayed with us for a few nights last month). I do not think that BF is uninterested in becoming a family (at his suggestion, he and his parents spent Christmas with my family at my mother's - BD and his mother and brother/sis in law and their kids were also in attendance at her Christmas Eve party, everyone got along great). I have spoken to BF about this several times in the last year, and have seem small improvements, but it is really starting to get to me. In my marriage I felt that I had to do 100% of the parenting, care giving, decision making, housekeeping, etc. I don't want to be in that situation again. I know, first hand, how easy it is to resent being expected to give too much to your step child, but I also think that you should be able to give them something, especially if they live with you more than 50% of the time.
Do any of the BMs or SDs who have been able to find fulfillment in their relationships with their partners and their skid(s), have any words of wisdom here? I apologize for the length of the post, just wanted to get as much of the (complicated) background out there.
Hi there, thanks for the
Hi there, thanks for the input. We're not talking about getting married yet, as I was so hurt by my experience with marriage, and my son's happiness (and mine as a parent) are very important to me and I am not sure that BF is going to be able to grow into this role.
I wouldn't say that BF is every really irritated by DS, more like he's just invisible to him sometimes. But your comment about living two different lives in your own house rang very true with me.
Also, wasn't intending to sound high and mighty, was just an observation, I had not realized that so many step parents were so unhappy in their roles (as I was, I was miserable), and it really put things into perspective for me. It made me feel very sad, and a bit hopeless and like I should just end this relationship now and set BF free.
ETA - After 6 years of dating, and getting to know each other, and making sure each other was "the one," the commitment of moving in together was tantamount to getting married (for both of us). This is especially true because of DS and was something we discussed quite a bit before it happened. I know BF had (still has I hope) the best of intentions as far as our little family unit is concerned, I just think the reality of going from being a socially active bachelor to being a father-figure 24/7, has been a bit more overwhelming than he expected.
"Sometimes, I do wonder
"Sometimes, I do wonder though if my decision was right when I said I do to my dear husband. I still love him but the resentment toward his evil ex and the resentment toward his kid due to her constant back talking, eyes rolling, abusive language toward me has killed my love little by little and this is the truth."
I understand...I get that too.
I am a stepmom and wished I
I am a stepmom and wished I recognized how hard I was trying before and how I didn't know it would be impossible to keep up. The skids started to be uninterested, SOs involvment with his kids irritated me and BMs lack of proper care frustrated me. I couldn't do anything.... they are not my kids and she is not my Ex. So I disengaged. I needed to keep my sanity and constantly worrying about kids that aren't mine and I can do nothing about was really wearing on me. Now SO has 2 separate lives in our house. He keeps his kids busy and away from me and I give him the weekend alone with his kids. When the skids leave things go back to "normal". SO does and always has since I met him, go out of his way to entertain his kids. I don't want to be part of a disneyland effect, so I stay home.
This is NOT the life I ever dreamed of. I often think how things would be if I left and started a new life all over again. I am miserable and I doubt things will change considering since we moved in together things have only gotten worse.
Listen to your gut feeling. If it's not going how you'd like it to now, don't expect a miracle to happen. People with kids don't usually want to be around someone elses kids. Not because kids are bad or annoying or anything.. but because they are kids. People without kids don't know how to handle/interact/accept kids.
I am a stepmom and I regret ever moving into this situation.
...Nevermind about stepdads
...Nevermind about stepdads who can't bond with their kids, what about biodad's who can't either? My dad is a giant rock and talking to him is painfully awkward. The one time he brought me and my sister to the Natural History museaum, the two of us ate some hotdogs, then declared we wanted to go home. He never took us out alone to any event ever again. His idea of family bonding time was him swimming laps around a pool while keeping an eye on me and my sister while we played in the water. He still loves us and would happily give his life up for us if it called for it, but he just didn't bond in the traditional sense. It's so difficult to talk to him.
That said, please understand that not every person has the desire to do "bonding" things in the same way we women view them. The difference between guys and girls can expand to this case.
Most of the time, a guy thinks that in a 24 hour day, he spends 8 sleeping next to you, 2 watching tv next to you, 9 working, and .5 hours having a conversation with you, and 4.5 hours vegetating and doing his own thing, that 10.5 hours of it counts as "quality" time. For us girls, we only look at the half an hour as actual quality time.
If your BF hasn't torn his hair out and want to leave you because of your child, I would count this as a successful blended family situation. As SM's, we are unfairly told to treat the Skids like our own, and as it has been shown over and over again, very often that is just not possible, and we shouldn't be forced to love beyond what basic responsibility we are allotted to the children in our lives. This same courtesy should be extended to stepfathers. Remember, as in any relationship, we SHOULD NOT take anyone's actions for granted other than the responsibility to not hurt others--anything more is of their own free will and choice, and is more a favor, and should be viewed as such, than anything else.
I don't expect my FDH to love and walk and play with my dogs and cats (6 in total)--he didn't raise them so essentially his bond with them will be different. As long as he is polite to them and doesn't abuse them, I can't ask for anything better. If he does, it will only give him points, if he doesn't, I will not take points away.
Guys aren't emotional, and maybe your DS doesn't even feel the difference. But we project our desires onto them. Just my 2 cents.
And sometimes it just takes
And sometimes it just takes time. In both my first marriage and my current one, I was a stepmom. It takes a LONG time sometimes to warm up to the kids and them to you. I wouldn't push it but let it happen naturally. At least your son has his father. And at least your boyfriend isn't in any way abusive..which would be a deal breaker.
Just wanted to say that I
Just wanted to say that I just saw not2sure's response after I posted mine and I agree 100%.
I am a BM of 2 beautiful
I am a BM of 2 beautiful girls 8 and 10. Their BD and I were married for 5 years, it was a very rocky relationship. He drank too much. I nagged too much. We brought out the worst in each other, and when BD's were 1 and 3, we ended it. He is the best dad one could ever ask for now. He is involved, caring, responsible. Probably still drinks too much, but hey... he's not my problem anymore. and he lives with his mom, so I know my girls are ok when they are with him. (he doesn't drink every day, not THAT kind of a heavy drinker. More like, when he starts he doesn't know when to stop, and it gets mean). Our families get along just fine. He and I get along just fine. I can have a 30 minute conversation with him about the girls, or his family, or my family (he remains close with my nieces and nephews, he is still their Uncle). DH and my exH can sit and talk about whatever for a half an hour when there are pick ups or drop offs. Every thing works with that relationship. We let each other live our lives.
DH was "standoffish" at first with my girls. Which REALLY bothered me. But after I talked to him, I understood and he was right in what he was doing. My girls HAVE a dad. He doesn't need to step in and be "DAD". Don't get me wrong, he loves them. And when it needs to happen he steps in and punishes them, or gives them the praise they deserve. It took time for him to grow in to that though. Men aren't like women. They don't have the "maternal instinct". When SS came in to my life I picked up just like he had always been there. He was now a part of my family. DH had to ease his way in to the role. And he did.
We have been together 7 years this month. Married for 2 1/2. And he has adjusted very well to the roll he plays in the girls life. I am happy with my blended family. BM is a little wackadoo, but she doesn't cause us any issues, so I don't really care about that.
I am happy, and I would absolutely call my blended family situation successful.
Thank you for your response.
Thank you for your response. I'm not unwilling to hear the sad stories, or the regrets, and in fact I think I need to. But it really almost made me cry to hear someone say something so positive and encouraging about their blended family and relationship with exes.
Thank you all for responding,
Thank you all for responding, I really appreciate it. I think I need to ease off my expectations a bit ... a little difficult, as two of my best friends were also single mothers (one who has found an amazing DH who treats and loves her daughter as if she were his own), who both are telling me to ask for and expect and demand MORE for my and DS' sake.
Some times are easier than others. Thanks again.
To be honest, I think your
To be honest, I think your expectations might be too high. What you describe to me is a DREAM. He isn't abusing your son, not talking down to him, and you said your son respects him. The only thing wrong is that you expect more; or different. I lived with my own bio-dad my entire life, with parents married and still are. He was an emotional rock. It was like he wasn't there. I still respect him, and love him, but he is what he is. Your son has his bio-dad. He sees a positive relationship between you and bf. Sounds awesome to me.
Thank you, I needed to hear
Thank you, I needed to hear that.
I guess it is just hard to accept that because I made the choice to have a child and am no longer with his father that I will never have the kind of family I always wanted. I think maybe for 8 years I have just been avoiding accepting that reality. I have had enough relationships to very truly believe that if I cannot have that with this man, who I adore, it is not going to happen.
I love my boyfriend very, very much. Our life when DS is around is comfortable but not necessarily warm and cozy. I find myself very exhausted a lot of the time from doing 100% of the parenting, cooking, cleaning, chauffeuring, etc and working full time. Because I am physically worn out I am not able to give my BF the attention (emotional or physical) we'd both prefer. We enjoy our time while DS is with his dad and have a very different lifestyle then, as a result I don't see us ever giving up that partial freedom and having our own kids. Though things are fine (and certainly more stable and happy than during my marriage) I just fear that resentment may be brewing (BF of DS, me of DS, DS of BF) and I am sacrificing something (yet undefined) because I am so romantically fulfilled.
I had been happy and would
I had been happy and would have called us very successful as a stepfamily before last year when SD15 came to live with us full time and my life turned into a living hell. As long as DH only saw her 1-2 times a year, everything worked out fine and I don’t have many problems with my SSs and their BM is relatively sane. My DS considers DH his dad and they are very close.
All it takes is one bad apple that doesn’t want to make things work to spoil the bunch and ruin your life.
They can only spoil things if
They can only spoil things if we let them and if our spouses let them. And Untothebreach, to answer your question, I'm one of those happy with BM and SS. It took us many years and lots of heartache though to get to the point we've been at now for years. The first 3 years of our marriage was very touch and go. I really considered ending it because of all the SS/BM drama.
Be realistic about your expectations and work towards that. And know that things can evolve and change as they have for some of us.
I understand where you're
I understand where you're coming from, that you think she is going to be resentful of the situation--but if you take a look around, a majority of the step issues that occur is because the stepparent feels the pressure from the bio parent to treat the child as though it is their own when often, it is just not possible and to do so is unfair.
It is good for both of them to accept and come to terms with the fact that it is not necessary for her new husband to bond at the pace she desires with her son. In doing so, she will allow a natural progression which won't be fraught with resentment.
Remember, resentment from either sides will destroy the marriage. Say she demands he does so, sure he'll try for a while until he starts building resentment and then we'll have another member here venting about the injustice of being forced to treat a child the way their bioparents want them to treat the kids.
It's best to talk it out, but to be understanding of both sides.