CAN'T LET IT GO!!!!!!!!!!!
I've been married to a man for three years. We run a business together, so we are pretty much inseperable. He has one son, 20 and I have five kids from a previous marriage. We also have a one year old together.
Here's my dilema. I raised my kids to be good humans in their core. I probably gave them a bit too much artistic freedom, but they are affectionate, loving, honest, reasonable people. They are quick to say they love you and give you a hug. They are smart, maybe a little too controntaional at time, and really fearless. Above all, they are phenomenal communicators (except one-diff issue). They've been in their share of trouble, especially the boys. But always the typical drinking, pot, stupid crap. Nothing hurtful or mean. And it's pretty much over, they are older.
My husband raised his son with one focus. IMAGE. Whatever you look like you, you therefore are. He taught this kid to be a bit of a racist, very judgmental, unfriendly, closed, arrogant, selfish, and snobby. Through the years of being married my SS20 has learned to really like my sons 19-22. They suffered him pointing the finger repeatedly. He blamed threw them under the bus for so many things along the way. All of which he would admit to in a drunken talk session. They have forgiven him and feel a bit sorry for him actually. My boys are so loving and non-judgemental. They feel like he has the most amazing father and that he doesn't appreciate it.
My SS20 has cost me and my husband a small fortune. He will wear NOTHING if it's not A&F and the latest. He has been driving a Mustang for two years, which WE have paid for. His insurance on this beast is $5600 a year, WE pay for. He has lied about needing money for college, and WE gave it to him. He wasted a year in college, joined the fraternity (of course) WE paid for. Passed one class in an entire year! $25,000 to pass one class!!!!! Legal bills out of this world. He has a DUI, got away with it cuz the lawyer, WE paid for.It goes on forever. Any way. I put my foot down, took him off insurance, refused to sign another student loan, refuse to give him money unless he works for it FIRST. I have managed to fix all these things. BUT I CAN'T LET IT GO!!!!!!
Every single time he does anything good at all, his father will shower him with praise and "I'm so proud of you!!" I just want to scream. I'm not sure where all of this rage and hostility comes from. It's like PTSD! How can I let it go and move on? Part of me is thinking, yah he didn't get into trouble for a whole month, give it time he will. Everything he does is just wiped clean.
He's not a smartass, punk kid. He pretty much doesn't EVER SPEAK TO ME. He has lied about me to his dad several times in the past. ACTUALLY GOT CAUGHT! I think he knows I can see right through is bullshit. His father thinks I need to forgive and forget. Even my kids think that. Can't do it. How do I do this?
Yupe Yupe Yupe Your DH is the
Yupe Yupe Yupe
Your DH is the Problem..
Can't wear nice clothes if they are not bought for you..
Can't drive nice car if that is not bought for you either....
Dh needs to lay down the laws..
He created the monster, now it is time to STOP
Feeding him...
That's not the problem. All
That's not the problem. All that has stopped....now. And I'm supposed to just feel better.
Gotcha....a leapord never
Gotcha....a leapord never loses its spots..
You may never feel better...he made your life hell..
But it is up to you whether or not you want to carry
that brick on your shoulders while dad is saying good job..
Here's where is starts. My
Here's where is starts. My husband and his son had a "lifestyle" before he met me. Not that meeting and marrying me changed the lifestyle. It was just timing and the economy. My husband has said that in the beginning of our marriage he didn't want his son (then seventeen) to blame our marriage for the change of lifestyle. So he attempted to break him in slowly. Translation, "I'm too weak."
As far as being a racist. Maybe thats a strong statement. He didn't teach him to hate people of color, (all my kids are hispanic) he taught him to judge people based on their looks. Profiling? It's an argument that we have been over and over again. He has now learned that he is wrong. Case in point, my kids are hispanic and about as trustworthy and honest as they come. He knows that he was wrong. BUT THE DAMAGE IS DONE!!! He now admits to being wrong about the way he raised his son. But he was so painfully slow to remove priveledges and special treatment. Now, I'm supposed to see that it's all better now. But I have so much freakin' resentment and anger that it's hard. I don't want to say this out loud. But here goes. It's so bad now that if something bad were to happen to this kid, I woudld be secretly happy. I can't believe I just wrote that. God help me. It's true.
The feelings do eventually
The feelings do eventually fade as life goes on. My middle BD was very hard to manage, dropped out of school, took off and shacked up with a boy 2 months before her 18th birthday.. she had wore me out with this and other things and I didn't want to chase her anymore.. whatever her issues were I obviously couldn't help her and I tried, bent over backwords, to help her. There were a couple of years in between there where I didn't like her as much as I should have (I always had unconditional love for her) but I didn't like her behaviors and I was not going to help her continue those behaviors. I had a difficult time even conversing with her.. fast forward 4 years... she got her head out of her rear and did for herself.. she is an independant sole and she has grown up. We talk on the phone most every day even if it is just to say hi...
I never stopped talking to her but I did disengage just a little to help myself, as I still had other children to consider.
I didn't expect my feelings for her to be so raw and emotional but with time and her "growing" up, it has been easier to reengage with her and it is now a wonderful relationship.
Even though I am talking of my BD and not a Skids, I still believe if you hang in long enough to Give your raw emotions time ~ they will settle and hopefully your SS will grow up.
Btw, the mustang was car no
Btw, the mustang was car no 3. There was an eclipse, and then oh the acura....all scrap metal.
My kids have all bought their
My kids have all bought their own cars. We have helped one of them with insurance. But it's cheap and he works for us to pay it back. Anytime ss20 is supposed to work, he is magically sick. Of course when the sun goes down and it's party time he has a miraculous recovery. My husband will joke about his sons "nerve". But does nothing to change it. His kind, soft heart is what I love about him. He is so patient and sweet. But shit!!! I wanna scream over this kid. He has brought out the evil in me. He will put on an innocent face and stay really quiet around me. It's all an act! I can see through him so clearly. The ONE TIME is unleashed on him. It was through a text because he wouldnt answer his phone.He wouldn't come home for four days. His dad was "so worried about his emotional state". Puke! He didn't want to face the truth! Someone finally called him on his bullshit lies!
How do you love a kid or even
How do you love a kid or even like a kid after this? How in the hell does anyone love a kid like this? It's making me feel defective because I see NOTHING TO LOVE!!! NOTHING AT ALL. I even asked my daughters, please tell me what it is that you find lovable about him. They laugh at me. I am so serious. Maybe I'm just an evil and hateful bitch who wants to blame shit on someone and he's an easy target? Anyone ever get over something like this?
He lives in an apartment with
He lives in an apartment with someone. The roommate has rich parents who foot most of the bill (true to form). He sponges off the roomate and then lets the world believe that he is somehow successful. It's all image. When he does come home, it's for money. Now, he has to work for it. He will take a week to do a days work. The whole time, I just want to give him money to leave!
Just curious why aren't you
Just curious why aren't you mad at your DH for letting
this get so at of hand in the first place?
It's hard for me to
It's hard for me to understand how to love this kid. (or like) I feel very guilty. The gravy train has stopped. I'm now still pissed about the past. It took forever, for one thing, for it to stop. And now everytime SS does anything at all positive, his father holds on to it for dear life! And by positive, I mean, simply looking for job after a year of no job.
Calling his dad to say hello would be considered a triumph worthy of a party! OMG! Usually he will call only to get something. I want this. I want my husband to say, "My son is a piece of shit. I admit he's a piece of shit. He is selfish and lazy and has severe entitlement issues." I want him to say that to his son. The only thing he will ever say to him regarding how he feels of him is "proud".
Oh, trust me I have. We have
Oh, trust me I have. We have been around and around. We are madly in love, get along so well, never argue..except over this. It's such a sore subject that when his son comes home on the occassional weekend, my husband practically has an anxiety attack. He has cut him off. We have cut him off. All my demanding made it happen. But he is cut off. The problem is the resentment I feel. And the fact that this kid comes out smelling like a rose. I guess I wanted him to somehow suffer something. But nope. He's a happy person.
How do you dump the
How do you dump the resentment? Jeez I feel like a bitch. And you're right, I do just walk away. He knows how I feel, sort of. Here's another thing that makes this hard. If I were to demand for my kids the same privelidges he bestowed on his, he would be fine with that!!! I don't want to raise weak idiots. So I do my thing with my kids. He has a solid relationship with all of them. They hug him and tell him they love him, even my grown boys. It's because my kids are actually lovable. You can talk to them, fix problems, reason with them, like thier company. They are normal!I know thier not perfect, but I'm always the FIRST to call them on thier mistakes. Always. And in front of everyone. I don't have to take them to a quiet one on one dinner and break it to them gently, between the "I'm so proud of you's".
You need to find your
You need to find your strength and move on..
You and your husband love eachother and that is
worth millions..
Resentment is a heavy burden to carry and it sucks..
but by carring this resentment you stepson wins...
How can you love the father?
How can you love the father? He taught (and/or enabled)his son to be lazy, greedy, racist, self centered...
What he did was raise a son
What he did was raise a son with one goal. For that kid to be happy. He never called him on lies, or corrected the lies. He cooked for him and cleaned up after him. His son was happy. He took daddy's credit cards to shop all he wanted. Daddy bought his cars and all was well in daddy-son land. And then reality, aka me, hit. He saw the difference between what I did, alone, with five kids, compared to what he did with the one. His intentions were incredibly good, the method however was all wrong. He loved the kid to death. My husband is the most forgiving gentle man in the world. Ordinarilly that's ok. But in this situation, not ok. My husband is a very, very, very hard worker. He loves God, prays for his enemies...uuggghhh! So hard.
You can still love the
You can still love the husband...ofcourse you can..
You may not like what they do..but you can still love them flaws and all..
God, you are so right.
God, you are so right.
He is such a freakin' prize
He is such a freakin' prize of a husband. And sexy to boot. What an idiot I am.
Yeah, your dh did a shitty
Yeah, your dh did a shitty job with this kid so now he is an unpleasant adult. Why should you feel bad about that? Not your fault? I think your resentment is normal. If your ss ever does truly change then you will see that over time-your feelings about him are not going to change because he does one small positive thing.
My ss although much younger than yours, has caused me a lot of grief. Has made some really big mistakes for only being 13. I have resented him and my dh for years. I am just now starting to let go of some that. I am able to do a little of that because both of them are beginning to show different behaviors. However when ss's bad behavior and dh's excuses were still actively going on I sure as heck wasnt impressed because he made one A on a test. Whoopie Do!
In your case, it doesnt sound like much has changed. Somethings have in terms of the money train has slowed down-but the kid is still showing up and wanting money from you all-you all are still giving him it-making him work for it yes-but obviously he does a very slow job. Which that's not real life. If I pay someone to say, mow my lawn and offer them 40.00 for it I dont expect them to come mow a little patch 5 days in a row. That person would be fired.
I think until things change there you are going to continue to resent him and I think it is a perfectly normal reaction. I would tell your dh that things need to change or you are afraid that it is going to damage your relationship with him as it has already damaged yours with his son.
iS IT REALLY NORMAL? God, I
iS IT REALLY NORMAL? God, I hope so. I feel guilty, like I'm living a lie. I can't tell my husband the extent of my feelings. He would be destroyed. I just want to feel like justice was served. Thats probably an unrealistic desire. It's like my husband is constantly trying to prove to me and the whole world, including this kid, that he's really not that bad. But, he is.
Make him sit down and watch
Make him sit down and watch THE ULTIMATE GIFT, it's truly an amazing movie, maybe it will knock some sense into his head.