So tired of the constant critques and critisisms from everyone
Being a step mom is like living in a fish bowl. Every little move you make is critiques and critisized, no matter what you do. Every motive is analysed, every decision has to pass muster. It's exausting.
Just yesterday, my mom had asked me if I renewed the magazine subscriptions that the kids had (she had seen an offer for the ones they get in a magazine) I told her that I had already renewed bs(2)'s, but I didn't not renew ss(10) or sd(stb9). I explained that they didn't read them most of the time and showed very little interest, where as bs adored his and looks at the constantly.
So today she calls me at work (cause clearly this is THAT important) to ask if I would mind is she pays for the skids magazines. I tell her she can do as she pleases, so she tersley says goodbye and hangs up. The tone of it all was basically how horrible it is that bs got his renewed and the skids didn't.
Well, excuse me for not wasting 50 bucks so the skid can throw the magazines onvtheir floor for another year. And even if they did read them, its not like they've been behaving as to where they deserve any extras. But because I'm a step mom, must just he because I'm evil and don't give them any love or attention. Somehow I doubt that of it was the.other way (stepkids got the magazine, but I dropped bioson's) that anyone would have thought twice about it. Or if they were all my bio kids, no one would question my decision.
In the same conversation ill be both letting them get away with too much AND being on them too much. In three days time I was bothvaccused of causing their ungreatful selfish attitudes by buying them too much and doing too much with them, and then also I don't do enough with them and I only buy things for bio son. Both of those are from Dh. I just can't win. No matter what I do, people can twist it into whatever they want to think.
The week before Xmas Dh went off on me because I spent too much on the kids for Xmas. He said that the skids should only be getting 3 or 4 gifts, and getting a ton of presents is for kids who are bio sons age. I point out, yeah but if I had done that you would flip that I had bought more for bioson. So Xmas morning comes along (all the kids have an equal number of gifts) and of coarse the skids tear through theirs in ten minutes, and bioson is on like his third gift. So I get shit from Dh cause everything left under the tree is just for bioson. nevermind that I spend WAY more on each stepkid than I did on my own son, because their shit cost three times as much as toddler toys, but its still not good enough.
I am burnt out from being under this microscope for the past 6 years.
Crap! Now I have that song
Crap! Now I have that song in my head - good thing I like it!
VERY appropriate to step-world though. Every single thing you do or say is up for scrutiny, analysis and comment from every single person in your life - including the skids themselves. It is exhausting and insulting. Frankly, I am beyond sick of it. My "give a shit" level is starting to drop drastically!
Lol, I use the term magazine
Lol, I use the term magazine loosely for the two yr old. It's called baby animals, and its designed for 2-4 year olds. It's a lot of pictures and simple stories and he memorized from me reading them to him. It's the first level in the big backyard- ranger Rick series.
Bioson got baby animals, SD got big back yard and ss got ranger Rick.
The sad reality of this
The sad reality of this is:
WE ARE NOT THEIR BIO's... so nothing we will ever do will be right, nothing we do will ever live up the the expectation of others.
I will no longer give the control of MY LIFE AND MY HOME to ANYONE! Including my DH (the BIO DAD)... you don;t like what I have to say or do when it comes to YOUR children, then step up and leave me out of it... Divorce papers are not that difficult to file....
As far as Mommy butting in... well... UMMMM NO! Not your life, not your responsibility! Leave me to my home, take care of yours
Yes, I am very glad that my
Yes, I am very glad that my mom treats them as her grandkids and thinks of them. What I don't appreciate is the attitude that she has to "make up" for my decisions.
They didn't read them, so why buy them again?
Ohhh dear! I am sure your
Ohhh dear! I am sure your mom meant well. Sibling rivalry can be VERY intense and sometimes it's the 'little things' that can spark a resentment in kids though.
Personally I would have cancelled ALL of them and given each child a task to do and then buy the magazines at the store next trip round. That saves money! BS 2 would not know the difference if you showed him a back copy anyhow...right??
That's the thing though, the
That's the thing though, the older kids didn't want the magazines. They just threw them down in their rooms and never looked at them.
That was just one example though, its with every little thing. I am tired of having to explain my every move. Another example... This summer I had all the kids in swim lessons. Bs's age group was on Friday, and the skids was on Saturday. If I mentioned to someone, oh yeah, I have.to bs to swim lessons today, or bs has swimming today..... Everyone jumps on down my throat asking but what about skids? And I'd have.to go through the whole explaination of why they didn't have lessons on the same day and when skids got their turn. Yet if I was talking about Sat. And the skids having swim lessons, or that me and bs were watching the skids swim lessons, no one ever cared whether why bs wasn't taking swimming too. It's just the assumption with every little thing, that I'm not being fair.
Call and cancel the magazines
Call and cancel the magazines and ask what else they publish and if it is Hearst, they will let you pick something else that you will read. What a waste of money otherwise...
Yes, I've been there done
Yes, I've been there done that and I am tired of it. I finally stopped doing anything for ss because no matter what it was criticized. I am just now beginning the process of reengaging after 4 or 5 years. I am no longer willing to take this crap lying down. If anyone were to ask my anything about skids vs bio (except perhaps their father) I would just tell them none of your business. Eventually they will get the pic that it is NONE OF THEIR BUSINESS. If it coming from your dh-I'd simply tell him what sorts of things you are planning for your bs and then leave it up to him to either plan the same things, similar ones, or forget all about it-whatever he chooses.
I would tell your mom that you'd rather she not mess with the magazine subscriptions as the kids werent reading them-and you feel it sends a wrong message to them to continually buy things they dont use and leave it at that.
The most important thing though is that YOU do not buy into the idea that you treat teh skids worse.
If anything, the skids get
If anything, the skids get way more than bioson.
They get to go to book fair at their school 4 times a year, and get book orders constantly. But heaven forbid I buy bioson a book at the store without coming home with one for each of them.
I just wish I didn't have to contemplate "how is this going to look" for every little thing everyday.
Dh doesn't bat an eye when I spent hundreds of dollars on the skid school clothes and got nothing for bs. But come home with a few pairs of pants for bioson a few weeks later and the first question out of his mouth is, what did you get for skids?
Well, we have my stepkids
Well, we have my stepkids full time, so this is their only house. Both biomoms have been MIA for years.
But I just don't get why its oM for the skids to get more, but its completely unacceptable for biokids to come out ahead or even equal, in any situation.
No one says boo when me and bioson spend our whole saturday morning waiting on the stepkids at soccer practice, or sitting on a bench half the day while they go on the big kid rides at busch gardens, but make them sit for ten minutes so bioson can play on the "baby playground" at the park and its like youre committing child abuse.
Was this YOUR mom or DH's
Was this YOUR mom or DH's mom?
My mom.. she of the "those
My mom.. she of the "those poor kids come from a broken home, nothing is their fault" mentality. Which is funny, cause her and my dad divorced when we were kids and we certainly weren't cut any slack for it, lol. But yeah, even though she's MY mom, she is also of the opinion that i should bend over backwards for these kids no matter how badly they behave or poorly they treat me. They just need more love!
I think when she does it, its the hardest to take. You'd think if anyone was to have my back and know I am busting my ass for all of these kids, it would be her.
That sucks Peanut. I'm sorry
That sucks Peanut. I'm sorry to hear that she isn't on your side on this. I hate the "poor kids of divorce" crap, too. LOL! I can't win with my SS either. If I say anything about him knocking up 2 different girls or not having a job, I'm "picking on him". If I disengage, I'm being cold. AAAGGGHHHH!
Yep, damned if you do, damned
Yep, damned if you do, damned if you don't.
In regards to your mother,
In regards to your mother, and speaking as a grandmother she would have probably done the exact same thing if you had let SK have the mags and cancelled bs2's subscription. So I'm letting that one go, because I probably would have made the same offer and it would not have been with malice, however, the rest of it, welcome to our world.
My SK's were adults, well presumably still are but thank God I no longer see or hear from them. I did far more for SK's than my own, but truth be known that was because I had brought my own up to be independant adults who could live independently and think for themselves, they did not come crying to mummy over things like how do I turn on the washing machine or sweep the floor. My childen all bought their own homes and I helped them clean up etc., sort things out and ran errands for them. DH was not impressed at all. Then one day his pride and joy his Princess Useless found herself a man stupid enough to buy her a house. However, they could not work out how to go to the bank and ask for a mortgage, I was asked to do that, they could not sort things out with the builder I was asked to do that, house gets built, Princess Useless does not know that you cannot sweep the floor with a dust mop and even if you could you are supposed to remove the cardboard packaging wrapped around it first (28 years old at the time), I swept and washed the floors of a 30 square home for Princess Useless, I helped her work the dishwasher and the washing machine, and ot top of that the day Princess Useless moved in, we not only gave her a brand new washing machine, but I supplied her with a box of groceries, to get by. Princess Useless by the way had already told us that she had gone shopping with 11 year old nephew because her boyfriend had written out a recipe for her that HE was cooking for dinner and she should go and get the necessary items, she was so impressed because 11 year old nephew knew what Chicken Stock was and it came in boxes, without 11 year old, she would never have found it.
So after doing all this for Princess Useless and more, I get asked by my youngest to feed her dog for 3 days as she had to work interstate...............DH says, well if she wants to have a dog, she should make sure she is able to look after it.
My response, well if Princess Useless (actually was polite and used her name to him though) wants a house then perhaps she also needs to make sure she is able to look after it, his response, what do you mean, I explain that he was there and saw she she could not cook, clean, shop, work appliances etc., and that I had done all of these for her without one word of complaint from him. His response.......YOU ALWAYS PICK ON HER, YOU JUST DON'T LIKE HER.
In summary, I cannot make a trip to my daughters house to feed her dog once a day for 3 days and the trip was under 5 minutes without him saying I do too much for my kids, yet I can spend hours, days, weeks and months helping his daughter and her boyfriend get a mortgage, build a house, do their shopping, teach them how to use appliances and clean their house without him seeming to notice.
Society believes the Cinderalla story is real and I don't think it is ever going to change. I know bio mothers out there who are appalling mothers, they do not get looked at in the same way as a SM would if she treated her sk a fraction as badly. When a large Casino opened up here the craze was to leave kids in the carpark and go play the pokies, bio mums and dads did that, but it hit the news and was gone. Can you imagine if a SM/SF did that all hell would break loose. We would not be forgiven because we made a mistake or had a pokie addiction, no excuses would be made for us like that. No, we would just be evil stepmothers who just hated the stepkids.
Kudos! Love that attitude..
Kudos! Love that attitude.. cuz life is really all about you in the end!
AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! Asked Dh to
AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!
Asked Dh to make the kids dentist appt, and he made it for the same day and time as my next prenatal appt. So he's explaining to me how they only do a half day on Fridays (my day off), and that bioson as to be a morning appt because he's so young so he will just pick a diff Friday. So I suggest why doesn't he make the kids appt for a Tuesdsy or a Wednesday afternoon so that they aren't missing half a day of school, and make the babys for a diff Friday morning.
And he goes, so how are the kids going to get to their appt on Tuesday? It's your day off Dh, you can just get them from school in the afternoon then they aren't missing school. Well, how do you think that's going to make them feel, that you take the baby, and I take them on a different day? AGHHHH, what the heck. So never mind that's there a legitimate reason that they have to go to the dentist at different times, he rather they miss school for no reason just so it "looks better" that I take them all??
It is not that it looks
It is not that it looks better it is so that you will do it and he doesn't have to be bothered. If these are not your bio's I would not be so readily available to take them...
I feel this way too, if I do
I feel this way too, if I do anything for my bio kids I'm always worried what people will think if skids aren't included. They are the worst behaved kids I have ever come across everyone see's this and admits it, does not dispute it but if poor wittle skids are left out of anything (which they usually aren't anyways)we are the bad guys. Like the whole Disney situation, it's like people think even though skids are horribly behaved, destructive, disruptive, immature for their age, violent and abusive, and swear like sailors that we should take them anyways. Who cares how much it costs right? Who cares if their behavior ultimately ruins the trip and makes everyone including themselves miserable, as long as they get to go too, then that's all that matters and that we should reward their terrible embarrassing behavior. Damned if I do and damned if I don't apparently.
Funny thing about all of this
Funny thing about all of this is..............if BM gives her kids a birthday party, buys them designer clothes, shoes and bags, or takes them off on a world cruise, not one person would expect that your kids should have been invited along, or bought designer clothes, and no one seems to notice the double standard in this. :sick: