lol sooooo true! I wonder if everyone or most everyone on this board is "white"...because were I live, these issues seem to be non-existent...hmmm

I've noticed that too. In the modern day white society, the parents put their children on pedestals. No spanking, no discipline, etc. Having lived in the African American community, this is not the case there for the most part, nor is it in the old fashioned "first generation" immigrants from Europe and their children.

Every kid is different, and every parents philosophy is different. I am white, and I was spanked spareingly as a kid. I choose not to spank my kids, at the time. I don't spank my step kids out of my own self interest. I am not willing to take that liability on myself for their sakes. SD about a year and a half ago decided to lie to her teacher in an effort to get out of a note home by saying that her father beats her with a belt (not true, at worst she got a few hand swats to the butt). Dcf was called and they talked to both step kids at school. SS told the truth, that they get spanked by dad, but he couldn't remeber ever being hit by me. SD continued with that dad beats her with belts (not sure what she said about me). Long story short, dcf determined she was lying and everything was dropped. Now, had she decided to say that it was me, rather than my husband, I could have been looking at child abuse and assault charges since she isn't my legal child. She isn't worth it to me. DH spanked, but very spareingly now, as the whole dcf incident had us both really shaken. How easily her lies could have ruined our family.

My bio son doesn't get spanked either. But he is only 2, and actually very well behaved for a 2 yr old. That may change as he gets older, it may not. It all depends how he reacts to limits and boundaries as he grow up and how he reacts to other forms of discipline.

For most of marriage, DW has treated SD17 as her equal. I tried telling DW that this was a bad idea, but she rebuffed me, sayin that I was being "too harsh" and "mean." Now that she is 17, SD is hell on wheels, because DW was so busy coddling her and being her friend that she was never really a parent. DW understands her mistake, but it is too late.

BTW, the story about the kid making up child abuse allegations is terryifying to me. It is precisely why I never lay a finger on SD17. Heck, I've disengaged so far from her that we haven't spoken in nearly a year. I don't want to give her any opening to make false accusations.

I'm black and my DH (actually DbF) is white and these are the issues we argue about often. His kid wouldn't know what discipline was if it hit her upside the head. I'm not even talking about spankings - I mean ANY type of discipline or rules (can't do x unless you do y, or no you can't go on a trip because you came home with terrible grades, etc). All those things would have never been allowed when I was a kid.

My thing is if you want to treat them like adults (or as an equal) then you can't say to me "she didn't remember," "she didn't understand," etc. You want me to treat the kid like an equal when she can't even remember to not let old food grow mold in her room.. in plain sight? Crazy talk.