23 year old step daughter making my life he**
Her father and I have been married for 5 years now. This is a 2nd marriage for us both. I have no bio kids of my own. She has zero contact with her BM, which is GREAT. We used to have a wonderful relationship. The last few years its going downhill and FAST. I am so tired of being disrespected. I feel like I am in a verbally abusive relationship with her. If her father and I are having adult conversations with her, if I make a comment to her she talks over me like I am not even talking or I get a snippy comment back. When her father is not around I get dirty looks for her stomping around the house, but when he is around she puts the im and angel act on. I can take it for awhile without blowing up, but over and over again it builds up till I blow my lid. She is 23 has been going to jr. college on our dime, we pay for her cell phone, co-signed for a car for her, provide a nice home and family vactions etc. Yet, she cant seem to be respectful of me. Her only chores for living rent FREE are to clean her room and bathroom. I feel like when I loose my temper that my husband always takes her side. We went to couples counseling this past summer on this subject. He did better for awhile, but as usualy it goes back to old ways. I honestly am at the point of wanting to move out and get my own apartment. I love my husband and we dont fight about anything other than his daughter. How do I get this cycle to stop? Has anyone left their husband and had the husband realize what he needs to fix or do they side with the child and you end up in divorce?
You are at the same place I
You are at the same place I was 5 years after marrying my DH. SD was 23 then. Luckily she was going to school some distance away. But when she was around me she treated me the same way your SD treats you. That was over 15 years ago. Over the years SD's behavior only got worse. I wish I had put my foot down when we were 5 years into the marriage. Yes, maybe it would have caused a divorce but 15 years later I got to the point that I just didn't care. I finally had to ban her from our house and disengaged, no matter what the outcome. It sounds as if your SD is an only child also - they have a hard time sharing Daddy. You can choose to wait 15 years like I did and experience 15 more years of "he**", or do something for yourself and your sanity. You deserve it. When faced with extra living expenses, etc., DH decided to stay in the marriage. He has not confronted SD about her obnoxious behavior and I doubt he has the courage to but then, he no longer defends her either - he knows I won't buy it now. One thing to prepare for, if your DH does stay with you and you disengage, you will no longer be available as a whipping post. At this stage many SDs, including mine, make Daddy pay. SD has not called DH in well over a year and will not return his calls. For me, that's just fine.
Work out what you want most
Work out what you want most and make a decision now. It does not matter if you are 5, 15 or 50 years into it, if DH does not stop it, it will not stop - ever.
You cannot do a thing to stop her behaviour and the worst thing is that your DH failing to pull her into line is actually convincing her that he agrees with her, that he is on her side, and that he does not have a problem with her being disrespectful to you in your own or anywhere for that matter. He is by doing nothing encouraging her.
So, you either take the bull by the horns and speak up now, tell her to shape up or ship out and take your chances on whether the marriage survives that or not. Or you wait, another 10 or 20 years till you are so physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted you leave the marriage anyway. Why not make the move now, throw down the gauntlet and see what happens, hopefully your husband will wake up and realise what he is doing, or if he does not then, the younger you are starting over the better you cope. But her behaviour will not change unless your husband changes his - permanently. Sorry, I know you would like something more positive, but there is nothing positive to say in these situations, either DH supports you and the family has a chance of working it out, or he supports her and you will eventually have enough of it and you will leave, just a matter of how long you want to live like this before you leave really.
^^^^THIS^^^^
^^^^THIS^^^^
^^^^^ Right on!!! ^^^^^ "I
^^^^^ Right on!!! ^^^^^
"I carry a load of resentment over issues that happened years ago and that were never resolved." When I relate some of the things SD did to me people have a hard time believing it or think I am exagerating - I'm not. If anything, I try not to tell how horrible it was because it is so unbelievable. And I think this was why DH did not take action. She was 'sweetsie-sweetsie' when he was around, nasty and viscious when he wasn't. The things she said and did were so rotten I guess he could not believe this of his little angel. I was just over-reacting, right? This is when we doubt ourselves, "Can we really convince DH? Will he really beleive me this time? Will this lead to divorce?" Even when I had witnesses DH thought they were just jealous of his princess. This went on for most of our 20 year marriage. Last year when she finally showed her true colors in Daddy's presence he ran out the door. This was the magic moment when I realized that I was going to have to be the one to set limits. DH even tried to justify her behavior again. Then I asked for specifics, "Tell me how I have made SD 'uncomfortable'? Give me one instance." I said, "I can give you several instances when I've been made to feel uncomfortable in my home." Even then, he waffled. He had a 'private' conversations with her, and like you I have no idea what was actually said. After one of these 'conversations' DH spouted, "SD says she really LIKES you!" I called 'bull' and banned her from entering our home. Now I don't give a damn what DH says to SD in private. She still can not walk through my door until DH tells her - in my presence - that she is required to respect me as his wife. You wrote about unresolved issues and how we keep rehashing them - I am guilty of this on this site and I apologize. But I really think years and years of abuse and being disredited by someone who is supposed to support us leaves us with the symptoms of PTSD. I hope with time the memories of emotional abuse (because that's what it really is)will fade. No one has to put up with emotional abuse at the expense of their personal dignity. If I had it to do all over again I would have used a video camera and nailed SD a lot sooner.
WOW... while i soo hate what
WOW... while i soo hate what all of you have gone through, I am at least glad to see that I am not the only one who has. Its been getting to the point that its hard for me to look at myself in the mirror because i had self respect but make exceptions for SDs and Dh...regretting that, and it is a tough pill to digest! i was hoping it would get better when they grew up.. still not, and it causes trouble with DH because i have resentment for him for not putting his foot down. Oh, and we had the SDs 85% of the time while they were growing up...so yeah, was very hard. ITs my time to relax and quit being mistreatred!
StepAside-I can learn so much
StepAside-I can learn so much from you! It sounds like I am in such a similar situation as you! DH too afraid to confront, not liking conflict... and you believe in speaking your mind too! I'm the bad guy when I do that, gee... wouldn't want her to think she is behaving badly or anything... (only speaking to daddy when she wants something) We see SD30 twice a year at family Christmas & Thanksgiving, and that's too much for me. Thanks for your insight, it is greatly appreciated.
WOW that hits home! Trying
WOW that hits home! Trying to shut my mouth and take the abuse just so I don't upset the princess and thereby upset daddy. I can identify with the "I'm tall and I can be intimidating. I don't tolerate bs. I made an exception for my DH's children, and live to regret that to this day." I don't take it from anyone else why from her?
So glad I came across your post! Especially since the darling princess will be moving back in for a month...with just me if you can imagine! DH works out of town and will only be back on the weekends so I get the pleasure of putting up with the wicked little *itch for a month on my own.
Latest incident happened at Christmas....sent DH a xmas card and excluded myself and 12 son. Then shows up at xmas with a present for DH only! I don't care but my 12yrold should not be made to feel out of place by the spoiled brat.
This is going to be very
This is going to be very interesting. How old is your SD and why is she moving in for a month?
I've been down that same
I've been down that same road. After we got married, I moved in w/DH and SD (25 at the time). She was also in school. SD was lazy (she had no chores at all), mean-spirited, evil, and obnoxious to me. Every argument DH had was based on something she'd done. On many occasions, he would get angry at me for complaining about her. The sun rose and set on her as far as DH was concerned. So I put it to him point blank. . either you set your triffling daughter straight or I'm moving out and filing for divorce.
Your SD needs to get a job. There's no way the two of you should be footing all of her bills. Your DH has made things so convenient that she'll have no incentive to leave. What's her plan when she finishes school? Sit down w/DH and SD and get a plan. Have a family meeting. She needs to know you're not going not just going to sit back and take her BS and allow her to stay there until she's ready to leave . .making life a living hell for you in the process.
This is what I had to do w/my SD. I couldn't stand to see her walk in the door as it was a reminder of all the hurtful things she'd done to me. My DH didn't want to give her a move out date because he didn't want to "hurt her feelings." So I did everything in my power to exclude her from our family dynamic. One such incident hurt SD's feelings so badly that the following week, she started looking for a place and recently moved out . . . at 27. Her move out date will go down in history as one of the happiest days of my life!
Start now on working to get her out so you can regain control of your house as well as your sanity. And so you can focus on enjoying your marriage, instead of her negative presense. Life is too short to live in misery.
Well I left work on Friday
Well I left work on Friday and had a long talk with my husband. In a nutshell, I told him if the behavior continues I will not stay. I told him I am done being a doormat for his daughter.
He in turn had a talk with his daughter, in front of me. He told her that she cant continue her rude behavior and if it happens there will be consequences, starting with the 1st infraction being she will lose 2 weekends of free time. As the behavior continues the consequences will increase with the end result of her needing to find a new home. He spoke to her about her financial outlook as well. She has a dental bill that is co-signed by him that is expected to be paid off by 9/12 the same month that the co-signed car lease is up. She will need to save a down payment during the next 7 months so she can either buy the car by herself or find another avenue. She is expected to pay her cell phone bill from here on out also. She has a full time job now and is only taking 1 class.
After talking with my mom about the subject she also suggested I call SD out when she is rude. I am going to do this from now on. I dont allow others to be rude to me, so why would I allow SD to be?
Good for you!!! Sometimes
Good for you!!! Sometimes all it takes is to stand up for ourselves. Do not back down. Hopefully SD will be leaving soon. If she has a full time job and is onlt taking one class in school, she does not need your financial help. She needs to be getting on with her life somewhere else. Good luck to you.
@ybarra357 ... if she was a
@ybarra357 ... if she was a "normal" 23 I would agree out on your ass. Problem is, she has some disabilities. She has Aspergers & rapid cycling BiPolar, thus why I have been so patient with the "action" plans so far. BUT, my counseler tells me that even if she is flat out retarded she knows right from wrong. Soooo, buck up or buck out from here on!
I don't have a lot of
I don't have a lot of problems standing up for myself - although I admit I do not have SDs - i think they are way more evil than the SSs.
When someone was iritating me I've had no problems stating "I choose not to talk to you anymore." and moving on. I did this to a guy at a reception once who was mocking me. I joined another conversation. he followed me - I stated to his great embarrassment "I think I told you I am not talking to you." I said nothing in anger - just a civil dismissal of a pest. He had to slink away.
Someone I didn't like asked if she could join me and then BF (she was after him) at a table - I just with a cool air said "No." She was just shocked and humiliated. Maybe I would have made a great SD - I can be bitchy.
If someone doesn't like me and wants to engage just enought to try to "get to me" I'll just treat them like they are not worthy of my time. You don't like me and don't want to speak to me - then you are just invisible to me. Truly invisible - you just are not important enough for me to even register disgust.
Just remember you CAN stand up for yourself. You don't have to care at all what the others think - only what YOU think.
Thank you everyone for
Thank you everyone for sharing your thoughts and all this common information that I so needed to hear today. I told my husband this morning, my 23 SD has to move out by June, more than ample time to find a place. If he doesnt like it, I told him I love him, but he can go with her. End of discussion.
Marr771, This must have been
Marr771, This must have been very hard for you. My heart aches for you. It is a shame you had to let him know that if she doen't leave he will follow, but several of us have been there, and DH needs to know you are serious. Most of the time though we've found DHs have their OWN welfare as top priority so in all probability he will stay. Like you, after years of accommodating SD, I came to the point where I finally had to put my foot and run the risk of ending the marriage - to save any self-respect I had left. Have to say you are more than generous for allowing her to stay 4 more months.
Marr711, does he think you
Marr711, does he think you are bluffing ??? When we decided to send sd21 back to her country to finish his education, my DH wasn't exactly fast with helping to get it organised, if you know what I mean !! So, I stepped up, though I really didn't want to be involved with it all, and got it super organised in a couple of weeks !!! Poor sd21 nearly died of shock when I told her as soon as School finished for Summer, she was heading home the next week !!! }:)
She had been bragging to the sap bf at the time that she would have all Summer with him, doing nothing !! No way !!!! Sent her back, DH paid for everything for her to settle in with the relatives she was staying with, BM didn't want her back !!! DH told her it was a great opportunity to get a little job and save for College, blah, blah..... Naturally, sd21 did nothing but sit in her room, eat, skype sap bf, eat some more, and not find a job !!!