Just need help knowing if I'm being realistic or not - thanks.

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I'm a stepgirlfriend - ok close enough to stepMom - we bought a house together and moved in about 9 months ago. I do not have my own kids. His kids are 16 and 14. I work out of our house.

For the most part i'm lucky as the kids like me as far as i know anyway! ...whew. There are things that I'd do differently if they were my kids, but they are not, so i try to go with the flow.

My questions is about the amount of time i'm expected to drive them to events, school, etc. I guess because i'm home lots, I've been given the role of driving them around lots. I'm sick of it and i'm trying to decide if i need to suck it up or stop taking care of their kids so much. I'm honestly worn out, though i realize that if i had kids of my own, i'd probably be more used to all this.

The sd is moving to a new school that doesn't have bus services. I received an email from the exwife telling me what times i need to have the sd to the school and picked up. In the same email she signed the stepson into after school classes and needs to be picked up as well. She has him signed up for something 4 out of 5 school nights. The kids do try to get rides from time to time, otherwise up to me. My boyfriend works late and travels lots so up to me to drive them. I also do most of the cleaning, most of the cooking, though my boyfriend is good at ordering take out to help me.

I just want to know how much i should expect driving these kids around - sometimes with notice and sometimes without.

thanks for listening.

You shouldn't be expected to

You shouldn't be expected to drive them at all. If the EXW is signing them up for stuff then she needs to figure out how to get them there and home.

Figure out what you are comfortable with and tell her this is what I'm willing to do to help, but she will have to find other arrangements for the other times.

If Dad isn't there much, why are they there and not at their Mom's?

Do you charge for gas? Or

Do you charge for gas? Or perhaps you can submit an expense report for mileage? the IRS allows 55.5 cents per mile in 2012.

And you say you work from home - with you out running around for these kids are you getting reimbursed for your hourly rate as well? Missing working hours means your INCOME is being impacted as well...

You are being USED. End of story. If one kid is 16 - is he/she licensed to drive? Maybe if you show how much it will cost them to use your taxi service, they might get him/her a car...

Or you know - WALK/Ride a bike...

Wow for real. No you shouldnt

Wow for real. No you shouldnt be doing all of that. Maybe have a word with bm and tell her that you have your own commitments and cant be expected to taxi her children around to this and that. Also tell your dh, he needs to know. You are doing too much and it seems like its been covered up because you work from home. Sounds like bm and your dh need to do more.

Stepgirlfriendmom.... when my

Stepgirlfriendmom....

when my SO first got custody, I was the ONE to do it all. He worked 10 hour days M-Th. I work 3 12.5/hr days and I rotate shifts. I was actually working straight weekend shifts for 9 months to do all of the running for SO. It was ridiculous. I was miserable and pissed all the time.

I put my foot down and either changes were made or sorry bout ur luck.

How would they get around if

How would they get around if you weren't in the picture?

Mom and dad need to figure this out. Thevcan use you as a back up ~IF YOU AGREE~ not just dump all the running around in your lap.

So, now that i think about

So, now that i think about it, I’ve sort of dug myself into a hole. When I’m here and the kids ask to go somewhere (of course i can say no), but I’ve mistakenly taken them everywhere and i know they'll continue to ask. These kids are going to resent me for saying no when I’m here and they want to go somewhere. Really i can say no, but I somehow need to detach from this - how? We've all gotten along fine and I’ve sucked up driving them around until now. I don't want to be on the "i hate my stepmom" list. If i stop driving them it is going to go on my record as the bad guy. Any suggestions welcome - ! Yes, i did join a club to get out of the house - I’m new to this city as well, so that probably keeps me home even more (I’m 47 and single most of my life, so not really used to others to begin with!). I recognize i need to get out more. I'm thinking about getting a job outside the house, though hard to find jobs these days, not to mention i don't really think i need to change my life to avoid saying no. I also believe that my boyfriend thinks that it is part of my duty to drive them. I think i can work with him on this - i just worry about the awkwardness of saying no to the kids. The kids are with us everyother week. The 16 year old doesnt' drive and i don't think has any desire - honestly, i don't think she's mature enough anyway. I can take any criticism! Thank you!

wow, thanks for all of the

wow, thanks for all of the comments! I honestly thought that's what stepmom's did - helped run the kids around, etc. No wonder i was having some feelings of resentment about all this. You people gave me some strong feedback. Thank you!

This hits home the most-
"I hope you can see the handwriting on your wall here. They both are going on about THEIR lives, working THEIR jobs, doing THEIR thing and they are just ASSuming that YOU are the new, third parent who just can't WAIT to drop your life and take care of THEIR kids. Not just no, but HELL no."

Just wanted to join the

Just wanted to join the party! Stand up for yourself and let the parents figure it out.

I totally understand how you

I totally understand how you feel - often I feel guilty for just not WANTING to do something for the skids even though I have the time, resources, etc. You're at home, so why not?

Do what these wise folks suggest. Even though I admittedly felt selfish, I expressed my dislike of this defaulting to me kind of stuff to SO and he changed things. I still help out sometimes, but he doesn't ASSUME I will and asks me as a favor. The only assuming he does is that he'll be doing stuff for the skids.

He even has regular monthly poker games, and he still asks me every month if I mind staying home with the skids. Although I am aware of the games and willing to do it so he can have some buddy time, I so appreciate the asking.

Thanks - it is the guilt of

Thanks - it is the guilt of saying no that I’m trying to deal with. You are all correct though and I see it better now. I actually think I need to detach from the "family" a bit - I see I jumped in fully heartily thinking that was what I was supposed and expected to do. It must feel good to have your husband not assume your time. I'm glad you got things worked out for you. I've sure learned a lot today.

Thanks. Sure, I do not mind

Thanks. Sure, I do not mind helping out by driving them time to time, but it was getting insane running around - i drove them to their church 6 times in one day (drop them off and pick them up - choir, regular church, then Sunday night kid group). The advice I've received here is good. I actually think I’m very fair, probably too kind (to the point of getting used), and I think my boyfriend is fair, yet I think he thinks my role is to take care of them.

His ex-wife is ok, so that helps, and she only lives a 2 miles away and I think kids need to call on her more often for rides even if they are scheduled with us if my Boyfriend can't take them. My boyfriend was trying to make the kids time here 100%, but that leaves me doing a lot of work. In many ways, I've tried too hard and need to undo a bit.

Like most of you there are other stresses here - sd16 cutting, failing school, etc. Hard to watch my boyfriend struggle with these issues, give my support - and then try to stand back and shut up on how I would do things differently! I can do it though...makes it easier overall.

I think i also have some feelings of obligations to my boyfriend since he pays the mortgage and i need to get over that - It isn't my obligation to cart his kids around. I'm finally getting it. better late then never.. ha.

let me share with you what

let me share with you what our mediator told me and my ex husband. As he and his girlfriend were signing our son up for multiples of things without even making sure I could do the driving. We live about 45 miles from each other and our kids go to a school that is in a town that is inbetween our towns. A while back I kept getting emails from them telling me our son was signed up for this on Thursday nights. And he was also signed up for a all year round basketball team as well as several camps through out the summer. ALL of which were never discussed with me regarding travel to pick up and drop off if I could do it with my job and the cost of all these things. The last straw was 2 summers ago my son brought me home a schedule for the summer. His father had mapped out the ENTIRE summer for activities in the town he lived in. I was expected to get my son to and from all those activities during my week. Our schedule is 7 days on 7 days off. There was also a camp in each month which of course were scheduled on my week with our son. Every May we are to come together to decide what week we would like for our vacation. Well in that Three month calendar he gave me it left me one week in August that was not cluttered with this activity and that activity. Fuming I called a mediator.
You should not be TOLD you need to drive your own kids (in my case) or skids to and from someplace that the other parent has scheduled without your knowledge or how you feel about it. If the times work for you, if it's something that is do-able. I would sit your BF down and express to him that you are feeling overwelmed by all the driving here and driving there and you must pick up etc. You are their personal maid. This is not right. HE is taking no responsibility for his kids and you are becoming the partner with the ex wife in raising those kids. Kudo's to you for having such a good relationship with the skids and that the ex wife feels she can email you. But I would say she is pretty much steam rolling over the top of you making a bunch of demands of you when this is in fact her responsibility.
I can remember my ex telling my kids well you can't do this well because your mom refuses to drive you. So you must prepare for the blame placement as well. BUT I would stand my ground.
Our mediator told us that if it is NOT discussed all together then sorry don't know what to tell ya. The other parent or girlfriend in your case is NOT obligated to do any "time" I call it doing time because all that running here and running there is on your time. And to not respect that your time is just as important as theirs is just plain rude!

Yes, our situations are about

Yes, our situations are about the same. I do feel very much to blame when the kids want to go, go, go and I don't want to drive them - I do a reasonable amount of time. They are signed up for everything. Everyone's posts on this board make sense to me though. So much good advice and makes me feel better about my stance. Thank you for taking time to write.

If your bf has custody she

If your bf has custody she should not be signing them up for anything on his time, at least not with out consulting bf first.

I dont know if anyone has said this i skipped alot of the post because there were so many but I think it is appropraite to do some driving not when you should be working though. If you work from home set hours from 8 to5 or something. No one can ask you for any rides during thoose times. Unless of course it is an emergency. If bm or bf sa y they can do it then they need to figure rides out . anouther thing to think about is carpool, maybe some one who lives near by goes to that school . You could drive one way another parent could drive the other. Same goes for the activities.

You do not have to do anything for skids, but if you want to you should. Just dont let them (bm, bf, skids) take advantage of you. I think in your relationship with bf giving his SOME rides is a good thing you are a team right. That is as long as he knows it is not your job.