New and need advice
My husband and I have been married for 13 years and we have no children together just his daughter from his first marriage. She is 18 now and recently moved out to attend college last fall.
We have always had a rocky relationship ever since the time my SD was 10. She's the only child and always needed lots of attention from DH. She hates me and has been the reason for every fight my husband and I have ever been in. I'm not sure how we got worse now that she's not living with us anymore but I feel like my marriage is the most fragile it has ever been- we fight all the time, we spend more money than ever to support SD (new car, insurance, medical bills, cost of school, groceries, half of her rent, trips, etc.) and it's become such a large toll on our relationship. We recently found out she's living with her boyfriend and having unprotected sex.
I am genuinely terrified that my husband and I won't make it through this.
perhaps I should be writing to a marriage counselor instead of this forum. But I still don't know how to have a relationship with a child who hates me and now I feel like my husband hates me - all because of how I treat his daughter. I speak my mind and tell try to guide and teach her but my husband interprets this as I hate her and he feels the need to defend her. He is a great father but she has him wrapped around her finger and he does anything and everything she asks. We gave provided 4 cars for her since she turned 16 - she totaled the first 2, drove my old car and then we bought her an $7000 one for her 18th bday. Granted they were all used cars I still think we spoiled her. I just want my husband and I to have our own relationship back but we still argue and fight about her almost daily. If she chooses not to obey our rules and disrespect me I don't feel like we should support her as much but of course my husband disagrees and this only leads to more fighting. I have raised this daughter with him and I want time for our marriage now - is that crazy?
I feel like I've paid my dues and been #2 for 14 years and I think parenting should take a back seat now that she's moved out and doing whatever she wants and our Marta should be #1. I don't think I'm selfish or wrong for this but my husband thinks I'm a wicked evil stepmom - help! Advice?
Stop doing this
Stop doing this, "I speak my mind and tell try to guide and teach her..." Unless what she is doing direcly impacts you, disengage from anything having to do with her. Search "disengage" and you will find information on how this has saved marriages.
That being said, spending money on her probably affects you. Do you and your DH share finances? If so, you might consider splitting them - then he can spend what he wants to on her, as long as he is meeting all of his share of household expenses and retirement, etc.
I agree
Good advice
I'm not sure he's a "great
I'm not sure he's a "great father", he sounds permissive and overindulgent. He doesn't hold her accountable for her actions (wrecked cars) or push her to be independent. Why isn't she working and paying for some of her expenses?
I agree with the poster above, though - disengage from trying to help her with anything - but talk with your husband about finances and separate yours from his if he insists on paying for SD's every expense.
He is a great father but she
He is a great father but she has him wrapped around her finger and he does anything and everything she asks.
Well, the second half of that sentence contradicts the first, he is not a great father. Nor is he a great husband.
I agree with separating finances, however, I'm sure that will cause a big fight.
Disengage from her, stop speaking you mind about her, and stop trying to guide her.
What is worrisome, is the unprotected sex (how do you even know that?) and a possible grand child in the near future.
Counseling could help open your husband's eyes, it would be worth a shot... if he will go and if you can find the right counselor.
Sorry but I couldn't get past
Sorry but I couldn't get past the four cars in two years... Wow.
Seriously. Talk about
Seriously. Talk about creating entitlement. After the first wreck, she should have been told to save up her money if she wants a new one.