Newbie - My Story So Far.........................
Hi and thank heavens I have found this site, at last no longer will I have to secretly fume, I can come here and get my feelings out and (hopefully) meet other people who understand.
A little about me
I am 37 years old and work full time in a very stressful managerial role, I have no children of my own yet. I have been with my partner for almost 2 years and we have lived together for over a year, he has a 5 year old Daughter who lives with her Mother in the same village as we do. My partner has his child for 3 hours two nights a week at our house before taking her home to her Mother, I am usually out on these nights visiting relatives or friends, we also have her stay every other weekend from 6pm Friday until 6pm Sunday. The BM is a total nightmare, useless, fat and a dosser. The house she lives in is filthy and when SD comes to our house she is often dirty looking and in old stained clothes, she has the attitude of her Mother, shows no interest in nice clothes or having her hair and nails done and just wants to watch TV or play computer games. She also talks loudly and constantly threatens her Dad with 'If you don't do this, I won't be your friend' My partner usually gives in as he feels guilty and tries to over compensate for not living with her. The childs Paternal Grandparents spoil her rotten, she is GOLD to them, they give her anything she wants.
If I am being honest I want nothing to do with this child and wish she did not exist. If I never saw her again I would not care. But I adore my partner and know if I want to stay with him I have to accept the child. Don't get me wrong I take her out with me if my partner is working, I buy her things at christmas and birthdays and I take care of her, she would not know my feelings or at least the depth of them. But I hate the fact that she is a constant reminder of his past and if we ever do have children of our own, it will not be new to him.
We have rowed a lot recently and it is all down to me, I want him to myself, I don't want to share him with this attention seeking little brat, I have tried to get on her wavelength but we have NOTHING in common. I am girly, she is a tomboy.
I wonder would it be better to walk away or can it work out long term??
Walk away now. If you can't
Walk away now. If you can't accept her or the situation. (Believe me it is only going to get worse) Go ahead and leave for your sanity and the sake of the child. I know you don't care for her, believe me she knows and will play on it for the rest of the time you two are together. You won't be together too long because there will be too much tension in the house. The only thing you can do is to look at the situation from her perspective and try to have a relationship with her. Remember you are the adult and you have to be the bigger person.
But if you can't LEAVE TODAY.. You deserve better..
I just can't walk away from
I just can't walk away from my Fiancee because of the child though, I love him and for the sake of a few days every other week I am trying to find a way to deal with SD. I was wondering how others do it? I do have a relationship with her but I find her difficult.
I'd consider discussing it
I'd consider discussing it with your fiance, let him know that your ill feelings are possibly brought about by grief that you and he did not have those 'firsts'. I cannot imagine being rejected as a small child, I honestly do not think I could do that to a little girl. First of all, none of it is the child's fault...right? Secondly your fiance loves his daughter no matter what her mother is, says or does.
The potential for the situation getting worse is a reality that you cannot ignore, you and your fiance have the opportunity to instill some decent values into a little girl who REALLY sounds like she needs some motivation and love, real love...not the kind that comes from Macy's!
If you are out the evenings she's over then that might be a good thing, she's getting one on one time with daddy and I believe that saves a lot of grief, I firmly believe that daddy daughter relationships are very important.
I'd suggest that the three of you have a fun day out somewhere, laughter is a universal key to reaching people's hearts and there's a lot of things that you can with a child you are just getting to know that do not make them feel rejected, it would break my heart to see a child feel rejected.
There's NO law that says you have to deeply love this child, but if you want to stay with her father then you really should look at some suggestions on here, or in other articles, or even just taking a glance from her perspective? Remember when you were that age?? What did you, or maybe a tomboy you knew, like doing? Kite flying is something you can interact with a child on?? If you do not know how to do it then learn together as a bonding process?
Making stuff, consider a project that is suitable for both genders if she's a tomboy?
Just recognize that 'AHA' moment when you and her connect and put a smile forward, it's the universal language when dealing with kids...trust me on this one!
If you feel this way now, it
If you feel this way now, it is only going to get worse. She gets older and with that comes other drama. Right now, you don't connect with her. That will never get better unless there is something there now...You feel so strong about her now, you should probably find a man without children. She is only 5. How can you dislike a child at 5???
You are probably not cut out for this. Sorry to be blunt, but you can do some serious damage to a child feeling this way. Also, he will resent you down the road for feeling this way about his child.
How can you dislike a child
How can you dislike a child at 5???
People can dislike a child from much earlier.
I came to this site for advice and help in how to deal with my situation, it would seem that all I am advised in the main is to leave my partner. I thought this was about sharing experiences and learning from others who have walked in your shoes??
I have had moments where I
I have had moments where I feel bitter about some of my experiences with SD, they do pass though.
I do not advocate leaving, far from it. I am more about rising to the challenges and overcoming obstacles. It's been hell on wheels with SD here, I spotted the narcissim and sociopath tendencies from the start and I was poo pooed at when I mentioned the problems I forsaw.
If you and your fiance can get on the same page, so to speak, and see about spending an hour or so somewhere just the three of you. If I read correctly you are already giving them space and one on one time, whether by coincidence or choice, then spending time together is the next thing I think I would choose.
You have the opportunity to build a relationship, she's only 5. You love her daddy, that doesn't mean you absolutely HAVE to love his daughter too but you can build on what is there. I'd suggest some counselling, I mentioned grief earlier because DH and I both wish we'd had these 'firsts' together but we do accept that things are the way they are and we are mindful of each other's feelings.
We survived! SD is now 18, DH flat out told her that after they (her and her two brothers) are all grown and gone he and I will be together and take care of each other.
I understand the potential
I understand the potential for drama becoming much worse, believe me! I met SD when she was only 10 and it was love at first sight. The drama really only began when BM did the PAS thing after we got married. Kids do pick up on stuff quickly, though, and if she senses you do not like her she'll put a wall up around herself, against you. I could NEVER be jealous of our girl's relationship with her daddy, it's a completely different bond. I share a lot of moments with SD too, as badassed as she is she's still ours. The wonderful thing about kids is that, regardless of how they are parented, they GROW UP. This girl is a baby, she needs to be cherished and loved by all the responsible adults in her life. I am sure that as time goes by she'll find a place in your heart. You do have a heart...right?!
I've gone through this
I've gone through this myself. I don't hate my skids though. I just don't care to be involved with them anymore. SD16's personality doesn't mesh well with mine either and I don't like her much. Not hate though.
Basically, when they are here for visitation I give up my SO. Its nice to have time to myself and not feel pressured to play along with "family" stuff. We aren't a family and I don't pretend anymore.
If you can't get yourself to a neutral place, then you need to move on. It will only get worse when the child becomes a teenager.
She's not a doll. If she's
She's not a doll. If she's coming to you in the evenings, yeah, she's going to be dirty with messed up hair. Kids play outside, and their hair and clothes get dirty. You cant expect her to come to you at 5pm, and be freshly pressed and picture perfect.
its not the kids fault if her mom doesn't wash her clothes.... She can't exactly take herself to the laurndromat and run a load on her own ay 5 yrs old.
Also, if her mothers a slob, she's obviously has only been exposed to things being a mess. If that's how she's grown up, of coarse it doesn't bother her. And, honestly, I don't know ANY 5 yr olds that like sitting still to have their hair and nails done. Esp if her mom hasn't been exposing her that sort of thing.
The personality thing, that can be tough. My SD had a stank attitude even when I met her at 2 yrs old. I didn't think it was anything that love and guideance couldn't fix. I poured my heart into this child for years and years. Now at almost 9 years old, I am convinced that all my effort were for nothing. She is who she is. Nothing I can do to change who she is inside. At this point all I can hope to do if affect her outward behaviour. Which I am even doubting is possible.. But at only 5 years old, I wouldn't give up on her yet. You need to decide if you can be a positive force in her life, or if you need to walk away. It doesn't sound like you are being forced to parent her, so I am not sure where the hatred is coming from.
i guess im a total bitch
i guess im a total bitch along with you. i have a lot of hate toward my sd, im engaged and refuse to leave because im too in love with him. i totally understand what you are going through, and while some here may want to snap and judge or tell you that youre a jerk for having these feelings- i wont. i am totally with you.