Newbie - Telling the kids we are getting married help
Hello everyone!
Please allow me to introduce myself. I am 29 and about to enter my second marriage to a man who has 2 boys that are 7 and 10. Their mother is a total nutcase whom I have never met and she apparently has an issue with me being in her children's lives and her ex husbands life.
My or our (current) issue is telling his children that we are going to get married. My DF proposed on Xmas eve and we plan on sneaking away to Vegas to get married in May. His children are not coming either. We plan on having a large BBQ this summer to share our wedded bliss with family and friends. DF is ready to share this information with his kids and I am kind of hesitant. My questions are:
1. How are the kids going to react?
2. How is this psycho going to react?
3. Is this going to create more problems or should we just keep it to ourselves for awhile more?
Any advice is appreciate!! Thank you!
Thank you!! We are actually
Thank you!!
We are actually considering telling them that it has already been done - that we got married already. My DF really wants to wear his ring and believes that his children will see it and begin asking questions.
I really want to wait, but he is so excited and wants to wear his ring and tell his children! I am excited too, but not ready to share the news with the dark side.
Is there any reason why you
Is there any reason why you don't want his kids there? I only ask because it could cause resentment later, which in turn will complicate your life.
When I married my XH, we went to Vegas and did not include SD. I've always regretted that, because I feel like we excluded her and had to work extra hard to make her feel included later.
Also, as far as crazy BM goes, there's not much you can do about that. Sorry.
haha.... my Skids will NOT be
haha....
my Skids will NOT be at my wedding. But they choose to be abusive towards me. It it causes resentment down the line well who cares. I have a lot of resentment getting my ear ring ripped out, getting multiple black eyes from toys being thrown at me.
It is her day. It should be only about her and her husband.
Now that I'm a mother myself,
Now that I'm a mother myself, I would NEVER exclude the kids. I was young and immature... I cannot imagine how my own children would feel if they were excluded when I married their stepfather.
I don't believe it's HER day. It's THEIR day.
I beieve that it is my
I beieve that it is my husband and my day. Yes the kids are there, but I do not discuss or run by our life with them for their consent or approval or thoughts. We are a unit but at the same time we are also a couple - even when we have our children.
No we do not, but we do plan
No we do not, but we do plan on having kids in the future.
I KNOW what eloped means. Did
I KNOW what eloped means. Did you not read where I said that I eloped to Vegas and did not invite SD?
Thank you Foxie! What do you
Thank you Foxie!
What do you think about when we should tell them or how?
Honestly, their father
Honestly, their father getting remarried is stressful enough, waiting to tell the children until after you're married will just make things that much worse in the future. Is there some reason you don't want to share the news with the kids? As a mother, I can't imagine how devastated my own boys would have felt if I had done this, or if their father had done this.
Pam
I'm very hesitant. I don't
I'm very hesitant. I don't know if his kids are going to handle this well. The psycho's boyfriend is now in prison for a little while and she is contstantly making sure to talk down about me and their father. I don't want to poke any animals in any cage.
Or do I just pull the band aid and start dealing with this now rather than later? It's like, I know there will be drama, but do it now or later?
Thank you everyone! First -
Thank you everyone!
First - we do not want the kids there, this wedding is optional for everyone! Who can afford to go will go and if not, it is really not a big deal. We will celebrate with everyone once we get back. We feel that because this is a second marriage for both of us that we want this wedding to be about HE and I, this is OUR day. Plus this is honeymoon mixed in and I am not taking care of children on our honeymoon.
Of course they will be there when we have everyone over for a little party and they will be included to the fullest extent.
On top of everything else I do not want the psycho to try and screw everything up when we get married. She is great at trying to come between us and I really do not want to help her out.
tell the skids they will
tell the skids they will inform BM ... and dont be scared of the BM whats she going to do piss in your cornflakes?? although i think i would just say y'all are going on a weekend trip and just "decided" to get married there and celebrate when you get back.. maybe do some kind of Vows at the b-b-q so the skids are not excluded from the whole thing.
DH and I got married and
DH and I got married and didn't tell BM or SD-then-10 for about three months. (BM, OF COURSE though I was pregnant because there's NO other reason to get married, right ladies?)
SD-now-16 admitted that she had been mad when she found out - only because she wanted to be in a big beautiful (total circus of a) wedding like her mother would (and did) orchestrate. When she found out that we went to the magistrate's office with three witnesses, she didn't care so much. It may of helped that we didn't tell MIL either, and both DH and I love my MIL to pieces. But she (and SD-then-10) was 1000 miles away and it was an elopement, so they got to find out after the fact.
Our BM isn't psycho though. She's stupid, lazy, BPD/NPD, and entitled, but marrying her sugar daddy allows her to live the (heavily in debt) high life and sneer at DH, so while we get money-grubbing requests every couple of months, she doesn't press it. SD16 also started USING her brain a couple years ago, so she never succumbed to PAS either.
i think you should tell them
i think you should tell them for the simple fact you will see how your dh reacts to their bs. if he can't handle it before you are married and panders to them it will be better to find out sooner rather than later.
i am on the opposite spectrum as you, my skids were heavily involved and honored at my wedding, the wedding colors even reflect their favorite colors. they talk about it being "our" wedding. it is very special to every single one of us and i think it brought us all together.
they have a crazy pasinator bm too.
my own dad and sm got married before i came for the summer, i didn't find out until after i arrived for my visitation. i have to be honest it hurt and i wish i had been able to at least attend that event. i was 7, i'm now 35, it still stings they couldn't wait one month and involve me. i don't let it cause a rift between me and my dad/sm...they don't even know. maybe that's why i tried so hard to include the skids...dunno. but i LOVE it's a happy memory for them