Looks like SD22 has had adult spousal status for a very loooooooonnnnnnnnnngggg time! Sounds like she needs to be weaned off "cold turkey" not gradually. Does your DW find it oddly flattering?

I agree with Auteur it sounds like she is used to being included in everything. So when you and DW make plans and don't include her she is put off. I would cut her off you and DW should be entitled to do what you want without dragging SD22 along.

We have had some trouble with SD12 in this regard. She gets mad or sad as she puts it when SO and I do something while she is at BM's. It can be anything from shopping to dinner or a movie she feels like we should ask her to come with us or wait untill she gets home. She actually told SO that because it wasn't fair for her to miss out :jawdrop:

"Un-Natural dependence on parents for social life. "Clingy Kids"
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Hmmm...we are dealing with the opposite issue, which is equally as disturbing. We have a BM who forces herself into the group of 15-18 year old kids that hang out at her house with the kids.

As she posts on FB about how great it is to feel 16 again & how she's right up in the middle of all their crazy antics, SD is posting replies about BM being the adult & then BM continues to insist that she was equally as fun & crazy as they were.

It's sad, on both sides, to think about how natural & normal it is to flock to our peers & people we have things in common with. The idea of trying force myself into a flock of 16-year olds...I can think of nothing more uncomfortable.

I was just bitching about this to a friend of mine. My SD16 is so far up my ass most of the time that I can't stand her breathing at the moment. She has actually said, "I'd rather hang out at home." Well I'd rather you didn't. She has a few friends and does spend some time with them, but constantly wants to do stuff with DH and I.
Unfortunately she also has the teenager attitude that is infuriating.

I actually have to say to DH, "Adults only." when we plan to go to dinner or something just to make sure he knows.

My SD was much like yours. She didn't have many friends (still doesn't) and also was a homebody. She spent most of her time on her computer, and even though she had a BF they didn't spend a lot of time together.

I felt she would live with us indefinitely (even though she'd never admit it). The plan was she'd move out after she finished college. When she finished she didn't find a job for over a year so that extended her stay. When she finally did find a job, she was still in no hurry to move out.

DH would cook and cater to her. He'd bring her home takeout if we went out to dinner, our sex life went down the drain because he didn't feel confortable "doing it" when she was in the house . . which was all the time. He didn't want to give her a move out date because he didn't want to "hurt her feelings." She had no chores and her room looked like a pig sty.

I was at the end of my rope. I married him .. . . not SD. To make it worse she had a horrible disposition . .but that's another story entirely. So I did everything in my power to hurt her feelings and exclude her from our activities. I'm not evil by any means . . but it was time for her go go. She finally got the message and moved out at . . . 27.

Your step-daughter probably has social anxiety disorder and depression.

Telling her to go makes friends is kind of like telling her to go write a concerto: technically in the realm of possibility, but not likely.

I know that she's getting on your last nerve and you probably want to choke her, but the hard-line approach probably won't work. It might get you want you want right now, but you'll basically be reinforcing what she already believes about herself--she's worthless and unlikeable. That won’t make her an easier person to live with.

That isn't to say that you should just put up with her behavior, but she needs more than tough love parenting. Contact the school's counseling office. She'll probably need meds and cognitive behavior therapy.

I wish I had some advice for you. All I can say is ewe. She is really obnoxious.

She needs to be told to get a life.

I can see our SD being like this. She's rude to people so her attitude has made most of her friend's not want to be around her. She's overweight, so i think depression is setting in. All of these things can be controlled and changed by her. She knows what the problem is, she does nothing. she just wants people to feel sorry for her.

All I can say is that she won't be lounging around my house.

Hmmm, it sounds like she is either going through a rough phase or has some longer-term problems. I would recommend that you guys put her in counseling with someone warm and kind who can work with her on her self-esteem, social life and boundaries with you guys. 22 is a little old for this kind of clinginess, but that's also a hard age and dating is highly emotional for lots of young people. Does she have any interests that you could foster? I've always been closest to my mom out of all my sisters (6 sisters!) and I still love hanging out with her as friend (i'm 30), but I also realize she has her own life and give her space too. Another suggestion is that you two (you and your DH) set some very clear boundaries that give her time with you and also time alone. Maybe you could set aside one evening a week to do something with her as a family (bowling, watching a movie, making dinner together etc...) so she gets quality time with you and feels loved and gets attention, but then also have a date night once a week where she can only contact you in an emergency? It's hard to strike a balance between marriage needs and parenting needs, even with older kids, but it is possible to meet everyone's needs. On your date night, you could go out and do something as a couple or stay in and insist that she leave you alone or do something out of the house? Give her your full attention on the afternoon/evening you spend with her and insist that she give you space and respect your boundary on the night you set aside for you and your husband, maybe?

If she's having trouble with friends/boys/socializing I think a counselor might help a lot and you could also do some brainstorming with your DH about ideas for activities for her to do. I have a friend who just became engaged after 18 years of being a single parent to his 23 yr old developmentally disabled daughter and he's having similar issues making her feel included, but also spending time alone with his fiance. She is a nice, pretty and fairly smart girl, but because of her disability she has the social skills of about a 14 yr old and is VERY clingy with her dad and has a hard time making and keeping friends. I am older than her, and not developmentally disabled, but to help her and her dad out I took her to a local swing dance that is held once a week and introduced her to all my friends there and taught her some basic dance steps and now she goes every week and has been making friends on her own and starting dating a really nice guy she met there that is also developmentally disabled. I thought swing dancing might be a good social setting for her because she loves to dance, but it's also a social situation and there are people of all ages and many people who attend are very clean-cut, nerdy and a little socially awkward, so I thought she might have a better chance of making friends than if she was in a high-pressure social situation with more snobby people...it worked and now her dad and his fiance have every Tues night to themselves for date night. That's just one example, but I'm sure there's something she could get into where she might meet and make friends and date more successfully? One of my ex-skids went through an extremely clingy phase (he was 12 at the time), specifically with me, and although I preferred him to my other skid (who was sociopathic and a total nightmare!) I could only take so much...So my solution was to take him out once a week, just the two of us even if it was just going to the arcade and playing games with him, getting hot chocolate at Starbucks or just taking a drive and letting him talk about school, his friends, worries, interests, etc... He also would 99.9% of the time rather sit on the couch playing video games than doing anything, so I came up with some options for things for him to do outside of the house and on his own, once a week, and he chose dog-walking at the local animal shelter and his self-esteem rocketed, he loved spending time with the animals (he was autistic) and he made friends with the people at the shelter and wound up getting his first job there as a kennel cleaner...it was an all-around positive experience and gave him the confidence to strike out on his own a little more and it gave me a little time to myself as well...He was 12, not in his early 20's, but I think the same principle applies and you have the advantage of having her be old enough to understand you when you explain that you and your DH love her and want to spend time with her, but also need time to yourselves. (It took massive amounts of tact mixed with honesty, repetition and reassurance to get my autistic SS to understand, but then the next year, he tried out for the track team (his own idea!) at school and got completely involved with that and made friends. Sometimes it just takes a little push to get them out there, but they also need the security of parental support (from both of you) while at the same time knowing that they HAVE to respect the boundaries you guys set. Make the boundaries extremely clear and then stick to them because it may take a while for her to tow the line and realize that you mean what you say and will enforce your boundaries. If you set aside time with her as a family and time as a couple and stick to your guns and give your all emotionally to both situations, she will eventually realize that she has to give you space. If she acts bitchy or sulky, don't put up with it. I hate to say this about a 20-something kid, but if she is living with you and your DH and isn't behaving properly, send her to her room or take away privileges. A youth of that age should be fending for themselves and on the path to independence and you can encourage that, but if she is acting like someone far younger than her age, give her the same consequences you would a younger skid. If she is rude or nasty about time you and your DH spend together, tell her that her behavior is rude and inappropriate and tell her she is not allowed to be around you guys until she corrects her behavior. You and your DH have to be on the same page about this and stick to it consistently, otherwise she will get mixed messages and walk all over you two. You have to be firm, fair and consistent for this to work. Good luck and I hope things improve for all of you!

My son was like this, and but we finally got him out of the house, but he was younger than your SD.

If this SD is an only child - which it sounds like - this can be part of the issue.

Only children have a tendency to be better able to relate to older adults and not so well with their peers.

Only children tend to be more intelligent because of the individual attention they got from their parents.

She may be having difficulty finding anyone her own age whom she can relate to because of these two factors mentioned above.

An only child also has the ability to entertain themself and to feel good on his own as a result of finding themself alone most of the time. This doesn't mean that only children are not social but it only means that they can enjoy the company of others as well as enjoying their own company.

Also, she may feel she has more say in how things should go than is appropriate and many only children are extremely sensitive to criticism and they don't know how to handle it. There can definitely be elements of narcissim involved. There were no siblings to deal with for attention, etc. so she feels entitled.

There may be some low-grade depression involved also.

It would be a good idea to encourage her to get into counseling, but make sure to find a GOOD counselor. Don't rush into seeing the first one you find in the yellow pages, or recommended by a friend. I worked in to clinics, and I can tell you not all counselors, psychologist, psychiatrists, etc... are good at their job.

I would encourage her to find at least ONE good friend, and help her see that it is important for her to make efforts to keep the relationship going, not always waiting for the other person to make the invitations, or contact her.

Good luck.