Family finances - who should pay for stepson expenses?
I've been engaged to FH since August 2011. FH has a 4 y/o stepson who lives with us more than 50% of the time, though no child support is being paid by the BM. It's been bothering me lately that for months now I am the only one buying ss clothes, shoes, socks, underwear, color books, craft supplies, school bag, picture books, etc. I have even paid for his childcare occasionally. FH does not offer to reimburse me for the purchases I make for ss. If I ask for reimbursement he will be like "oh, it didn't occur to me you would want to be paid back" and then I feel like a money-grubbing jerk.
I said something to FH awhile back, rhetorically asked him when is the last time he bought ss socks. So FH went and bought him socks and they were the wrong size! Is there something wrong when I am more familiar with what sizes the boy is wearing than his own father?
I'm not talking about nitpicking over groceries here - it's the bigger ticket items that are starting to bother me and really add up. The boy needs clothes, so why am I the only one buying them? Should I have to finance any of it? Does the analysis change once we are married? We haven't exactly merged finances as of yet and I have no idea how we should go about it.
We kind of got into it last night over this issue and the next thing I know FH is saying how he wishes SS were my child and that he wishes I loved SS unconditionally. I'm not sure how to take that - is that an unrelated issue, or is he saying the fact I don't feel like I should have to buy his clothes means I don't love him unconditionally? AHHH!
That is a really good point
That is a really good point Draco. You may be right - once I started buying what SS needed FH didn't have to even think about it. Maybe I should try to make a point of shopping for SS being a family activity.
In fairness, I guess I hadn't
In fairness, I guess I hadn't made it clear to him right away that I don't think it's right that I'm paying for this stuff. And that was largely because of the fact that I felt "greedy" asking him to pay me back for stuff.
At this point I feel taken advantage of, and I'm ready for it to stop. But I don't know how to get this across to FH. If he continues to think I'm being selfish/greedy/money-grubbing, is there a way to give him some perspective on where I'm coming from? I tried using the example of my dog and cat - I pay ALL their vet, food, grooming, etc expenses and it literally would not occur to me to expect FH to pay for any of it. They're my pets, they're from before I met FH, and dude they're my responsibility. Yes obviously SS is a human being, but he's still FH's responsibility. Any ideas on how to get this across to FH without it sounding like I'm being petty??
Dudette, rethink your
Dudette, rethink your engagement. If anything, this guy is greedy and selfish and is actually emotionally manipulating you to make you think it's your fault. You are NOT required, nor should have ever been asked, to pay for any part of his expenses UNLESS you chose to do so under the notion that you WILL BE PAID BACK (or not if you so choose to.)
This makes my blood BOIL.
Just say that he is not your child, he has two parents who should be responsible for the cost of raising him, whether or not you LOVE him should not be based on how much money you spend on him, because if that's the case, his father doesn't "love" him either. Let him know you are not obligated, legally or emotionally, to take care of the child financially. You didn't bring him into the world, and therefore do not have any ties to spending money on him other than what you are willing to. Tell him that if he chooses to take you for granted in such a way, especially financially, he's going to find himself in deep doo-doo with you.
(I am only basing this off of your original post, as I do not know if he takes care of certain payments for you. If he does all the bills, car, and insurance payments, then it doesn't seem like too much to ask for some contribution.)
You are feeling this way
You are feeling this way because you thought you should get some appreciation and some help from him for it. The problem is you are doing this to yourself. You are just going to have to stop doing all the purchasing. Sorry if I sound harsh, but you have the control here and you can put it to an end.
Yup i agree with
Yup i agree with alwaysanxious. Going by your post, it sounds like you were the one who started buying. True that fdh shouldve have offered (at least) reimbursment, but some people arent that proper in manners. And in fdh defense you never asked. You never asked if he wanted you to do it and you never asked for repayment. (At the beginning at least)
The only reason i say this is becuz i was in the EXACT same situation. I took it upon myself to buy ss socks and underwear when i saw he needed some. I even bought summer clothes,
pajamas, etc... dh didnt have to buy
them or check to see what was needed
cuz i was on top of it. Well after a few rounds of that (as the other typical issues rose) i became real angry and resentful that dh was "taking advantage" of my generosity.
But honestly, he never ASKED me to do that.
My advice, just stop. If you feel the need to purchase it, then its a gift. If you want dh to pay for it ask him for the money.
"Hey dh, i was gonna go to the mall. Do you have x amount of money i can have? Sk needs x,y,z and i can pick that up for you."
If he says no he doesnt have the money then you say
"No? Thats ok. Well he needs x,y,z so if you think about it, next time your out you probably should pick it up."
Either you need to have a
Either you need to have a serious sit down and hash it all out, or stop buying his son things. If you see he needs new shoes, tell his dad, I noticed ss's shoes are looking small, ill try to remind you next time we are out to get him another pair. Or, ss is out growing his clothes, do you have extra money out of this check, or should we wait until you get paid again? Once you've paid for it, you are kind of stuck.
I've learned over the years that if I want him to pay for something I have to tell him what his kids need. Usually its... When will you have the money for the kids school clothes, or do you have it out of this check, or should we wait. That way I am getting the need across, but making it clear that he is expected to pay for it. I, however, NEVER ask to be reimbursed for somthing ive bought them... No matter how big or small. It just won't end well. I've had to lie sometimes saying I don't have the money for it to avoid it getting ugly a few times, but same as you, if I don't I.diet along it Dh has no problem letting me buy everything and loves getting to be blissfully ignorant of how much money those kids cost.
Now, I also don't do it for everything. I still probably buy the majority of stuff, but I make more and we've always functioned as a unit. But for Xmas, birthddays, back to school clothes, and shoes, I make sure he's paying a large portion. Sometimes ill phrase it, how much can you contribute, cause the kids need new clothes. Then I base my shopping off how much he gives me and what I want to contribute, if any. But a pack of socks or underwear, I might try to plan that purchase on his week to buy groceries (we get paid on opposite weeks) but I don't stress over it if it falls on my week.
QUOTE: >We kind of got into
QUOTE: >We kind of got into it last night over this issue and the next thing I know FH is saying how he wishes SS were my child and that he wishes I loved SS unconditionally.<
I think this quote is an accurate reflection of FDH's fantasy...that you be SS's mother and that you have a 'happily ever after' family. It's a nice wish but it's not reality. My FDH has had a hard time accepting that reality as well.
As for the finances, if you haven't merged your accounts then he shouldn't expect you to buy those things for his SS. BUT he's clearly showing you that that is his expectation and will be even more so after you're married. It's entirely appropriate to discuss how you plan to manage finances as a married couple. That may present the opportunity to propose his/mine/ours accounts and how those are managed and the expenses allocated (e.g., pets to yours, SS to his). Perhaps he adds you as an authorized purchaser on his credit card and all SS's expenses go on that card that he is responsible to pay.
All that said, I admit to paying the expenses for my skids. FDH just can't afford to and isn't receiveing CS (that's another Oprah). He works hard, doesn't spend his money frivously and is very responsible in every way. He just started a new business and the income just isn't there to fully provide what is needed. I can't bring myself to let the kids go without when I can afford to provide for them.
If your FDH is financially secure there's absolutely no reason why he can't pay for SS's expenses. Money talks are the abslute worst as there's such emotion and agendas attached. Good luck to you.
From what you have written
From what you have written this is how I understand your post:
The issue here is that you seem to be voluntarily going out and getting these things for SS. You aren't waiting for his father to handle it and you aren't saying hey SS needs this, I'll pick it up and you pay me back. It doesn't sound like DH is asking you to go get these things. Your DH may see it as you wanting to spend your money. If you want to be paid back, then you need to say so. If you are just going out and buying things for his child, he isn't going to say 'no stop'. He doesn't have to put in the time or the money.
Just stop buying stuff. Just because the kid needs something doesn't mean it falls on you to go get it. His dad and mom need to handle it. Not you.
I guess I'm just mean. When
I guess I'm just mean. When it comes to protecting myself from being taken advantage of, i will let a child who isn't mine go without socks.
I'm glad a shared account works for your case. It sounds ideal since you have to do some shopping for skids with Dh's money and yours. If I did that, my money would be squandered on nonsense.
I agree. I didn't look to
I agree.
I didn't look to others to purchase things for my son. I refuse to play super mom to my SK.
DF and I will never combine funds.
If DF and BM can't afford the things their kids need, they will go without until they can.
When it comes to protecting
When it comes to protecting myself from being taken advantage of, i will let a child who isn't mine go without socks.
Yep. The child most likely has socks somewhere. A parent needs to go get them.
Just wanted to throw this out
Just wanted to throw this out there... The joint account thing sounds good, depending on the.situation... But may open a whole 'nother can of worms. If you make more than your DH then it could potentially make it easier for BM to have the courts require your DH to pay more for extracurriculars as those come out of avaiable household income. One of the reasons why my SO and I will remain separate. Our other big reason is so that BM cannot see any of my finances (none of her freakin' beeswax) should she try to take SO back to court for increase in CS. Don't ever want to risk my income even mildly considered for that calculation.
If you make substantially less though, it may a good idea because of the tax benefits and may actually lower CS because it's now the living expenses of two people instead of one.
Either way, I'm reading that she doesn't want to pay and have tried to talk to her FH about it but he's guilting her into it at her slightest mention. Sounds all sorts of manipulative to me. A sweet tongue and a tight wallet. So whether or not she volunteered ia not the issue IMHO but asking to be reimbursed and then denied is.
I agree with everyone else that you have to stop buying and get your SO involved. Or say, 'honey I'm going out to buy x for ss so could I get y dollars to cover it? Or do you want me to buy it first and i'll give you the receipt so we can square it after I get back?'
>>>who should pay for stepson
>>>who should pay for stepson expenses?<<< The parents
>>>Should I have to finance any of it?<<< Nope
>>>Does the analysis change once we are married?<<< Dear gawd no.
Thanks for the responses,
Thanks for the responses, ladies. I needed to hear it! I guess I will need to be more proactive in asking FH for $$ for SS stuff or just mentioning "SS needs X" rather than just going and getting it. I am pretty sure FH will not "get" why I can't just pay for SS's stuff, but I'm done feeling taken advantage of, and it IS within my control to not buy SS stuff.
OTOH, I'm not one who can see SS go without socks, or wear pants that are way too small, etc. He's in pre-K 2x a week and I don't want him to feel like he's different or the "poor kid" or whatever because he doesn't have decent clothes. Most of the stuff I buy for him is on clearance or is from a thrift store. I'm on a tight budget, but I want him to look presentable when he goes to school. But FH should be the one footing the bill, even if it means he will have to cut back on his own expenditures.
i purchase all the kids
i purchase all the kids clothes 2nd hand i dont see the need to purchase brand new expensive clothes when i can get them for 75% less. i will buy one pack of socks for each kid every 4-6 months depending on their growth, and underwear as needed but we purchase everything together but what we purchase will NOT go to BM she dresses him in rags and im not supplying her with good clothes. it is not my responsiblity to buy them and my DH knows it. he will never ask to purchase something without my permission and thoughts on the matter.