What do I do about my step kids who lie, steal and have no morals?
I met my husband 2 1/2 yrs ago and his children seemed wonderful. The problem is, he didn't tell me about all of their problems with drugs, lying, stealing, having sex (they were 12-girl & 14-boy). After getting married and combining our household as he has custody of them, the problems started immediately. His son was arrested for shoplifting, breaking and entering and then expelled from school for drugs. He has stolen from both my children (one occasion, my son was home on leave from Afghanistan and he stole some things from his room). He broke into my best friends house when they were out of town and stayed all night and then lied about it. Both my children think I'm crazy to continue in this marriage, as do my friends and family.
His son is currently in a juvenile facility for an undetermined amount of time getting extensive counseling as he blamed everyone including me for the reason why he did these things. The children's mother is a total irresponsible psycho who has hopped from guy to guy and caused several issues in my marriage from coming to our home and calling the police because she wanted to take her kids on her assigned night to have them, but they didn't want to go with her. She calls in the middle of the night and my husbands and her relationship is very bad. The entire 2 1/2 years has been a drama based battle to say the least. Recently his daughter who just turned 14 was suspended from school for purchasing marijuana from an undercover officer and has been having sex with several guys and sneaking out and drinking. I was married 20 years before and have a 14 year old and 21 year old that is married with his own child. I have never had any problems with my own children and don't know how to deal with this. I have custody of my 14 year old son and I am concerned that after seeing what these two do that they are obviously setting a bad example, not to mention, my son hates both of them with a passion.
His daughter has since decided that she wanted to go live with her mother that she hadn't spoken to in a year because she didn't like the rules we had put in place so the drama has stopped for now. My question is, I know that once his son gets out of juvenile jail, that he is going to expect that he comes back to live with us and I don't feel one bit comfortable with it. My husband and I have had several disagreements about his children and have even separated temporarily because of them. His daughter is now saying that she can't stand living with her mother and wants to come back to live with us. I don't know what to do. I was diagnosed with a benign brain tumor 14 years ago and about two months ago went in for a routine MRI and they found 2 more tumors. My health is obviously touch and go and stress is the worst thing for me according to my doctor. Do I stay or do I go?? We are starting counseling next month (we have an appointment on the 11th of Jan). I need to be able to get past the anger I feel for all the things his children continue to put me through. I feel like I don't HAVE to go through this so WHY? But I married him for better or for worse. Any thoughts? Anyone else been through anything like this? Thanks.
Thanks for your response.
Thanks for your response. I'm sorry about your husband - I hope he'll be ok. Unfortunately, the tumors are something I live with. I went through radiation 14 years ago and it didn't shrink it at all - the good news is none of them have grown. I am now having an MRI every couple of weeks to check on them and live with constant pain. He is supportive in regards to my health, but I'm one of those that doesn't look or seem sick so it's easy to forget about. I am 100% self sufficient and have my own company so I don't need him as far as financial support goes.
As far as his son goes, he isn't violent unless he's on drugs which he hasn't been able to get his hands on while in jail. The statistics show that 90% are repeat offenders so I don't have very high hopes for him getting any better. His dad on the other hand has been completely snowed by him in the counseling sessions that he attends. I just have to hope for the best or MOVE ON!
I'm sorry to hear that you're
I'm sorry to hear that you're in a similar position as I am...not easy. Ton's of luck to you. I agree that you must put yourself and your well being first - I hope you find the strength to do so also.
While browsing this site..I
While browsing this site..I come accross words from Snarky that speak to me as if God Himself said them to me..Thank you!
I would advise you to
I would advise you to disengage...not my kid...not my problem...still be polite and do a couple of things for them but the main issues can be dealt with by their dad. A counsellor told me that kids grow up regardless...she's right!
I can identify with you, it's hard, almost impossible, to reconcile my heart to the fact that the kids are sociopaths...my mind has no problem recognizint it though! They are twins, boy and girl, they really are only out for what they can get. They lie, steal, cheat, go with the flow of whoever is giving to them and so on...I believe you know what I am talking about.
SS dropped out of high school in sophomore year and SD is about to be released from a secure juvenile facility. Their mother is beyond counselling because she feels there's no need, nothing wrong with her!
I took counselling, lovely lady, full of common sense ideas like disengage. I did not have to sever the relationship with the kids to disengage, just refer them back to guilty daddy for everything. Daddy does the passive resistance thing with them...it frustrates the hell out of them and they wanted things back the way they were...ie me doing the rides to friends' houses etc. NOT a phukkin' chance buddy! Of course I was more polite than that...LOL this bleeding heart, wishy washy liberal thinking business etc...
One time when SD was complaining about something I just told her 'boo phukkin hoo kiddo!' and she reported me to her probation officer...huge chuckle!!
Disengaging is not a bad idea
Disengaging is not a bad idea - I have done that somewhat already. It's the constant disagreements on what to do with the punks that has me stumped. How do you get husband to see your point of view about his own children? When do you disengage completely to the point where there's no point in being married anymore? You know what I mean? I'm done doing nice things for them and getting kicked in the teeth. I guess they have to learn the hard way.
I don't know that they ever
I don't know that they ever put you first. Today, my husband actually left and went and picked up his son in jail who got a day pass for good behavior and his daughter and took them up to his mother's house to have a Christmas celebration with his brother and his family. I wasn't invited, nor did he tell me he was picking up his son (I found out from a text message he got from his daughter). I asked him why he didn't tell me and he said because I had told him that I didn't care to hear anything more about what was happening with his son and that he didn't think I needed to know because of that. I told him that I was wondering why he hadn't invited me and now I knew why and that he was putting his kids first and he stated "sometimes I'm going to". So I guess I have my answer because that's not how it's supposed to be.
Things always go back to the way they were no matter what happens. I think that with men, they want to be known as a "great" dad. My husband wanted the same thing which is why he has raised these kids on his own pretty much with no help from their mom - but look how they turned out.
I say always take care of yourself first! That's why everything is in my name only - house, cars, utilities etc. Always maintain your independence...it's critical.
I am sorry to say this but I
I am sorry to say this but I would walk out the door the minute either one of the kids walks back in.
This is his father's mess to fix and you should not expose your child to such a toxic environment let alone yourself. You need to focus on being around for your grandchildren and own children.
Now I am not saying divorce his arse but maybe consider living apart until all your children are grown and living independently. In your case this may be a finite date. In his case not so finite. You live in your nice 2 bedroom apartment and DH can visit you accordingly. But this leaves you totally open to saying "And do not being your children over."
With a son in Afghanistan myself it makes my blood boil that these are the people whose liberties they are defending. Yeah, my son is fighting a battle to allow your sson the freedom to behave like a gangster. I am sure the same thoughts have gone through your head.
I would say get your own place and move ALL your personal belongings into there or get storage. Tell your DH that your decision is to allow him the absolute freedom to get his kids back on track and not to worry about you or your son. It isn't a threat but a done deal. Of course you still remian married although it sounds like he would divorce you as soon as he finds someone else to sucker into being there for him and raise his kids with fairy dust and pixuie promises because that has worked so well to date *eye roll*.
Don't be sorry....I
Don't be sorry....I appreciate your honesty and AGREE. I have to say that I am so shocked by how many people say I should leave or disengage. I wonder sometimes if I'm just oblivious to the situation. It's not like I need him for money or anything for that matter like some people need their spouses so they stay (I have a girlfriend like that). I am and always have been 100% independent. That's why I wanted to get other people's opinions who have been through similar situations with stepkids. I think that you can sometimes think that you are crazy or losing your mind in regards to how you feel about them. AND we all know that our spouses can make us feel that way.
He tells me that I'm supposed to work it out no matter what - that's why we took the vows. I say, you should've been honest from the beginning so that I could've made a decision based on correct information.
It makes my blood boil too that our children put themselves in harms way to protect the freedom of the douchebag sson..believe me. My sons hate what his children represent with a passion. I pray your son comes home safe.
Thanks for the advice.
I believe marriage should be
I believe marriage should be forever but I also believe that your first priority is your kids and keeping them safe. This takes priority over the marriage. I like the apartment idea and work with counselors. He just may make the decision to leave for you. Goodluck.