7 year old step daughter supposedly wants less time with her father and me
I've been in my step-daughters life since she was 2 years old. She doesn't remember a time before me. She doesn't like it when people refer to her as my "step-daughter" she wants to be called my daughter. My husband and I don't have any other children yet, but do plan to soon. Recently my husbands ex-wife, who has primary custody of the child, and has a COMPLETELY different life style and attitude than ours, has been planting thoughts in the child's head and it's driving a wedge between the child and her father. With the current custody arrangement we have the child 2.5 weekends a month- which my husband had to fight for- his ex wanted him to only have her 2 weekends a month.
The child is extremely bright and aware of what's happening and she's actually using it to her advantage. She knows that her mother is lonely and that when she's with her mother 100% of the attention is on her. Weekends with her mother are filled with junk food, play dates and movies. We try to balance that out with realistic weekends. We have special times that we do what she wants to do but we also put in a balance of things that we need to do such as grocery shopping, family parties and downtime where we do nothing. We also eat all organic and don't allow junk food. During soccer season we were at every game regardless if it was a weekend she was with us. We live 45 minutes away and we're constantly driving back and forth to do school pick ups, drive her to dr's appointments etc.
My question is that when I see the child intentionally hurting her dads feelings it makes me want to withdraw from the situation. I married and fell in love with her dad and she and I were really close from the beginning, but since she's not my biological daughter I don't have to have anything to do with her if she's turning into a manipulative little person. I just don't want to have a visceral response to this that permanently damages all of the relationships.
How does she hurt her dad's
How does she hurt her dad's feelings? Who is saying that she wants less time with you?
If you have not read it already, there is a book by Richard Warshak called, "Divorce Poison". Given your SD's young age & the fact that you & her were able to develop a good relationship when she was younger, there is a good chance that if you & your DH address the Parental Alienation now, you can help her learn how to deal with the crap her mother says.
Alienation is an issue with my DH's kids & it has cost him his relationships with them. We were never aware that Parental Alienation had a name or that there were ways to address it & nip it. We just called it, "BM is a fucking bitch".
This book was referred to me when I started posting on this site & even though by the time I found it the kids were too far gone, the information in it did help ME understand what was happening & what they were facing with BM. I really believe that had we found it sooner it could've changed everything in our situation. If you don't want to buy it, check the public library. That's where I found it. I read it twice before I had to take it back, & then I purchased my own copy on Ebay for like $3.
Also, maybe see about counseling. If you can't get her into it, maybe you & your DH could talk to someone & get some ideas for how to deal with it.
At 7 years old, do not let her just decide not to spend time with her dad. It is court-ordered. Make it happen. She NEEDS you guys. You provide the consistant "normal" healthy environment she needs. Typically as kids get older, judges tend to be less rigid with visitation because the kids get more involved with other activities that don't always allow for visitation. She's 7. If you start to let it slide now, it will become "normal" for her to not see her dad, & when she reaches 12, 13, 14...& NEEDS a decent man in her life, he'll be a stranger to her & she'll start hooking up with whatever guy will have her.
See if your DH's lawyer will address the issue. Bring it to the attention of a judge & request that a clause be put in the order regarding Parental Alienation. Not that that will make it stop, but it will make it easier to bring before a judge in the future because it'd be addressed in the order.
Don't let her control the situation, & when she is in your home & in your care, don't let the rules slide. Don't parent out of guilt. Don't allow manipulation. Continue to expect respect, & continue to demand the visitation. If you're in the beginning stages of this, she & BM will realize that your DH is not willing budge on this. He needs to keep that relationship with his daughter. It is in HER best interest.
I agree with this. Dr.
I agree with this.
Dr. Warshak also has some great material for kids who suffer from PAS. SD would benefit from having some of them to use, read and view, including "Welcome Back Pluto," a DVD that is made to help combat PAS in kids. It's sold on Dr. Warshak's site, and is great.
I just watched chapter 6 on
I just watched chapter 6 on Youtube- it's AMAZING! Word for word that's my husbands ex wife. This is so comforting to know that we're not alone.
Thanks for the
Thanks for the recommendation-I'm ordering that book today. She's hurting her dads feeling by saying hurtful things to her dad when she's not getting her way. I know that this isn't uncommon but it's the verbage being used that's word for word from the mouth of an adult. She's also throwing her dad under the bus all of the time. An example of this is we were 15 min late dropping her off a few weeks back. We had called her mom to tell her that we'd be late and as soon as we were out of the house, the child told her mother that we were late because "Daddy was in the Gap for 45 min shopping for himself". This wasn't the case at all and it caused a huge problem. The mother saw nothing wrong with the child lying about it. This is just one of a string of instances that have happened lately. I also notice that she's doing the same thing with her grandfathers. I see it as misplaced aggression towards males that she's picking up from her mother.
She's just started counseling to deal with her anxiety. A whole separate issue that she displays no symptoms of when with us. Her mother brought her to a doctor because when she's with her she can't fall asleep and has mini-panic attacks. Nights with us as soon as her head hits the pillow she's out. This also concerns me since she's clearly more relaxed with us but she's asking to be in the environment that while it's focused on her, causes her anxiety.
On some level I knew that either keeping the same structure or trying to get more time was the right thing to do, but hearing it from someone who's been through it makes me feel better about needs to be done. We've avoided any legal actions up to this point since she is such an intuitive little girl we didn't want her to pick up on the stress, but it's come to a point where it is in her best interest not to roll over.
Thank you!
She is young, and the older
She is young, and the older she gets and is in more tune with BM she prolly will go back and 4th emotionally, I was around my SD at age 7(now 15yrs old), also the older the SK got the more distant and disrespectful they became because of BM " Pitty party" and non-stop sulking of manipulation.
Seems like the more SK like you the more work BM has to put in to destroy it, PURE jealousey!
Im thinking you got a hard road ahead of you on this one, and BM is patting herself on the back. Just let it go and let SD be with BM more if thats what she wants, it will get old..kids are flakey and never a sure thing on anything.
Sometimes letting them go and stepping back to see the grass is not always greener on the otherside is what they need.
I would not let her know she upsets BD with this ether, because then she will see she can manipulate on his feelings, He needs to play it off like " Its ok" and stay active with calling her more if she does stay with BM more.
I disagree. She already
I disagree. She already "visits" her dad 2.5 weekends a month; you can't really do much less than that. Do it, and the child is gone. On the contrary, he should go after more time with the child. She is obviously either being PASd or just loves the junk food. When a child gets THAT little amount of time with a parent, and then says she wants less time, something is going on. Research hostile-aggressive parenting. This is mental and emotional child abuse. If it's going on, it needs to be brought to the courts attention and the bm needs to get help or lose time with the child.
Thank you for the input, I'm
Thank you for the input, I'm researching it right now. I completely agree with you.