i just realized SD never wanted to be part of this family
most of you might go "dahhhh" but for me it was a big deal to realized this. for years i played the role of the "glue" trying to always get the family together, lets do this, lets go there, get out of your room ,share time with us, help me with this, be PART of this thing called our family...she always whined and did not want to join the rest of us. in general her reaction was to stay away, in her room ,watching TV. etc. but since is have a very strong character most of the time i convinced her to join us and then she enjoyed it. also many times she expressed negative feelings towards us and express the wish to live with her mom (we have full custody, mom is not stable in soo many ways). now since I disengaged, and since I stopped pulling her out of her room 30 times a day, and the glue is not longer there....i see the reality. SHE DOES NOT WANT TO BE HERE, WITH US, IN THIS HOUSE. it is soo clear now that i cannot believe i covered it up with good intentions for so many years. she wants to be with bio mom and if i think about it she is just like biomom (lying, secretive, manipulative), they belong together. you might ask, why doesn’t she go? good question. SD is 12, we have custody, biomom is not working , living on somebody's basement, cant drive because od DUI, has not money, no car, no health insurance, no intention to get any of that and she owes sooo much money to so many people that she has to continuously move and change her phone number to escape from collection agencies. my hubby is a good man who is not armed well to deal with a criminal ex wife and a very manipulative and cold daughter. and then there is me…here , after trying for years to open his eyes , now i have to train myself to look the other way and pray for the best. the more i disengage, the more clear everything becomes...its like the fog is gone!!!! that is good, but also it is bad because you look back and see how much work you did for so little reward...or not reward at all, really. i have to admit that this disengaging is revealing and hard, but I'll stick to it.
i realized a long time ago
i realized a long time ago sd13 didnt want any part of her father and i, except to receive money that is. the problem is convincing BF of this, so he can do something about it. bm is back in town, claims to 'want' sd, so i say let her have her.
sd13 is one fucked up kid. i had an argument with bf behind closed doors this afternoon. when i left, sd calls out to me "wow ur fuckin cool'. she sends me a text, and i quote, "ur jealous of me cause ur stuck with my dad and i get more dick than ur fat ass does"
wow. she also told her stepdad that she wants bf and bm to have sex so she can have a fullblooded sibling, instead of the half siblings she has. also told him to have sex with me so he and i wont be mad at bm and bf for having sex!
she tells bf all the time she is not his daughter, hates him, wishes he wasnt her father. she has always hated us. wish he would just give her to bm...bm is 6grand behind in cs, so any judge would probably just void the shit right?
Yeah, I realized along time
Yeah, I realized along time ago that my ss13 has no interest in being part of our family either-in our case we've been blended since he was 1. I used to think it was because he so desperately wanted to be with his mom-now I know he just wants to be wherever he is getting what he wants. Right now he is at MIL's-hasnt seen or spoke to dh in months-finally saw bm for a few hours after not seeing her for 5 months and he just doesnt seem to care. Most kids would be sad to be away from their parents, their sibs, etc-but it doesnt seem to concern him at all. He doesnt call either of them, or his sibs, nothing. I have talked to him before about this and he has point blank said he has no interst in having a better relationship with anyone in our family-including his sibs, my parents, me, or his dad. He seemingly has no interest in bm or bm's family either. In our cases our households are vastly different-so it pretty much assures us that it is not anything we are specifically doing-basically he is just so crappy to people-they eventually catch on to him-confront him and gave him consequences and then when he knows the game is up he's ready to move on.
Sd13 is the same way with me.
Sd13 is the same way with me. I have finally found some peace recently and it is from disenganging. I wanted to control and fix our family and make her love me, but I finally realize that my expectations were unreasonable. Also, I didn't cause her bad attitude. She usually tries to blame me. I have been her target of all her pain and anger for 4 years. This week at counseling session she admitted that our once healthy good relationship went bad when her BM signed over her rights and never spoke to her again. So now I am realizing I didn't cause this. I can't fix it, and until she wants to deal with the painful reality we are just stuck dealing with all the drama. Dh and I are doing so much better though. It's hard to be happy when one of your kids is out of control, but we are realizing that we can't make her want to be a part of this family. It's sad but I am sssoooo tired of feeling like a failure when I have tried sssssoooo hard. Now too much has been said and done and I would like to get along but I will never see her as my child. She has been HORRIBLE to me for too long now.
oh my god Bsmom, i read your
oh my god Bsmom, i read your comment and it is exactly what i feel word by word. the word failure is a big one becasue we put so much into it, the time i spend sitting in the roon trying to make her feel better!!! while my bioson was watching TV, the hours that i spend thinking what to do, how to do it, worrying....the money I spent in stuff for her, classes, camps, things she could be involved in..etc. Failure is a word that certainly comes to mind. the other big word that comes to mind is grieving...i think once we disengage, our mom role dies and with it all the expectations nad fantasies of havign a "norlam familiy", it is so hard. aslo i think that we do all the work we can to essencially get accepted by our Skids, in essence is to have them like us for all the work we do and when you realize they cant care less, it hurts. but my heart is soooo closed because i learned over the years that i cant open it to her. so Bsmom, what are you going to do? how are you planning to cope with your own feelings? lets think together...
For now I am disenganging and
For now I am disenganging and praise God, my Dh is dealing with her. He finally realizes he has to or our marriage won't make it. He is trying so hard to step up to the plate. I do not think that me leaving to go to meetings, the gym, etc when she is around is not a long term solution though. It's working for now. I can't be around and listen to her disrespect and not "confront" her, but I am tired of being the bad guy so I am removing myself from the drama. I am concerned that everyone still has expectations that we will have a bond eventually and if we don't that it is my fault because she is a kid and I am not forgiving her. Maybe that is the case. but... me and my DH do not have expectations anymore of any kind of relationship with SD13. He knows I tried and that I don't put up with shit, and I have put up with more from her than anyone ever in my life, and I am done. It is sad, but noone has a healthy relationship with her right now and hasn't for a few years because she is so angry, rude, manipulative, etc. We realize that unless she has consequences that snap her out of her misplaced anger and denial and a complete psychic change (belief in a higher power) then she is just going to keep spiraling down. I deserve to be happy. DH deserves to be happy too. Hopefully someday she can be too, but I am trying to be happy and find serenity no matter what drama she is creating. she says this is a game, a contest. Whatever. I am done.
I am just hoping that everyone accepts that I am not her mom. I adopted her, yes. It was a mistake I guess cause I can't take this shit anymore. My love is conditional. Shoot me. I'm so tired of our families expectations.
I completely understand what
I completely understand what your saying. What I’ve been telling my SD and DH for nearly a year now is that if SD15 wants to live with us, then she has to act like she wants to be part of our family. Otherwise, nothing is going to change. She’s still going to be a disrespectful, entitled brat.
There’s a common thread with all of the stepparents in this thread. Once skids get to be teenagers, they either want to make things work or they don’t want to be part of your family and make your life a living hell.
When SD15 came to live with us, she made it clear she wanted nothing to do with me and my son. She didn’t want to be part of a blended family, she wanted to go back to her family.
You can’t force a teenager to want to be part of your family and once they don’t want to belong, there’s nothing you can do to control them. SD15 wanted to make all of us as miserable as she was. That’s no way to live, especially with three other children in our home.
SD15 is living with her aunt and uncle now and if she wants to return, then it’s all up to her and how she wants to act. If she wants to be part of our family, then she has to act like it and apologize. If she doesn’t, then it’s her fault her dad can’t have a relationship with her.