Am I in the wrong?
I hear everybody on here talking about the golden uterus but my situation is a little bit different. My, I don't even know what to call him anymore has the golden child.
His perfect little golden child who is almost 5 bit me so hard the other night on my arm he left teeth mark indentions on my it. We were, or at least I thought we were, playing in the kitchen. I was bent over and had him in my arms and was swinging him when he just latched onto my arm. When I put him down and started saying owe he just bit harder. This happened right in front of his father who did nothing. Just let the little brat bite me.
Do you want to know how he was punished? A minute and a half timeout in his bedroom where he went back and played on his video game. My SO at the time told me he wasn't intentionally trying to hurt me. BS. He bit me harder when I was saying owe.
We had a huge blowup over this last night. I told him that if his daughter, who is not the favorite, had bit me that hard she would have gotten in a lot more trouble which he denied. BS again. He told me that it was my fault because I was rough housing with him, which I wasn't, and that he lets him bite him like that if not harder all the time and that I just bruse easily. That's right. That little kid bit me so hard he left a bruse in the shape of his mouth on my arm. I told him that he's precious little child knows that he shouldn't have bitten me and that the punishment was BS.
So as the fight goes on he proceeds to tell me that he no longer wants to talk about it and lays down in his recliner and closes his eyes and proceeds to ignore me. So I took his engagement ring and slammed it down on the table next to him. He got up called me some names and told me that we're over. At that point the fight was over.
My question is, did I blow it out of proportion? Did I have a right to be as mad as I was about his son biting me so hard it brused me and not really even getting in trouble for it?
Hmm out of pure thoughtless
Hmm out of pure thoughtless reaction I would have smacked the kid.
He turned everything around on you as if it was your fault anyways. it would have been worth it.
Sounds like this biting incident was just another log on the fire about how dad doesn't parent his son. As an isolated incident maybe you did overreact (giving back an engagement ring). This is likely NOT the case. As another day in the life of dad and favorite son, NO you did not blow it out of proportion.
He needs to parent before you move forward in the relationship. Many of us here have put that ultimatum out.
IMHO....I think your SO needs
IMHO....I think your SO needs to understand that in your house that you both share - the rules have changed....
i.e. lets say one of you hated cleaning dishes....thats ok if you live by yourself...but when you live with someone else, you need to comply to fit in with the other....and this means making some rules that the step children need to adhere to....otherwise its only going to get worse...
your lucky the little twit is only 5....he should be easier to manage than a 15 year old....
another way of looking at it.....if I go to my aunties place, I understand there are different rules than whats at my grandma's place...and I knew this and abided by them from the age of 3....
maybe flinging the engadment ring was a little over the top...but its also the sort of thing I would do...so now, just suck it up and apologize, turn on the tears and say your sorry but your feelings were hurt as it felt like you wearnt as important to him as his son. Now, if he says no your not...my son is more important to me....then throw the ring at him and get out now...before you waste your life with someone who cld cost you your life of happiness.
I was with you up until the
I was with you up until the last paragraph. Why in the HELL should she apologize?? That won't accomplish anything but keeping her in this perverse situation...where the child is more important than the fiancee...
"so now, just suck it up and
"so now, just suck it up and apologize, turn on the tears and say your sorry but your feelings were hurt as it felt like you wearnt as important to him as his son. "
WHAT????
Guys...did you read on....I
Guys...did you read on....I was only suggesting that she try to ascertain exactly where she fitted into the picture so as not to live the rest of her life thinking she actually did overreact....if he says directly that his sons relationship is more important...then she has to throw the ring back fair in his face....
I just feel that sometimes I overreact without qualifying exactly what is going on....and I have done things in the past I regret....
The best way to qualify what is going on is to apologize for your behaviour and your knee jerk reaction, so that you can then talk calmly to come to a decision....
sounds like a typical man - cant discipline his children appropriately, & needs a wife to do that job...IMHO., Ide be out of there....knowing what I know now.....
no you are not wrong. I am
no you are not wrong. I am less concerned about the child biting you and the punishment that was given and more concerned with how your fiance handled the disagreement. A couple about to embark in a blended family has to be able to communicate and compromise and come to discipline issues together.
The fact that he said what he had to say and then ignored your concerns would be a deal breaker for me. My husband has used the, "she didn't mean to," with me as well. But I tell him it's unacceptable. We come to a conclusion how we will handle that behavior in the future and he informs the child, in my presence, why the child got in trouble and what will happen if it happens again.
He listens to me and allows me to help him parent his child, even if he is the one who lays down the law.
I never have found disrespect an appropriate response and by him ignoring you and then verbally belittling you does not show respect. And then to call off your relationship he shows his immaturity and does has not placed you in a position that is worthy of a wife.
He put you in your place, behind his child and his opinion. If you want to continue in a marriage with a man who will continue to do this, it is your choice. But I could never be with a man who grossly disrespects and verbally abuses me.
I would walk out and not even think about coming back until a plan of action was put in place to how to handle disagreements and also he agreed to see a counselor well versed in blended family issues.
I don't think that I should
I don't think that I should have to appologize. I am fed up with his favortisism with his son and he broke up with me over his precious little brat biting me and me being upset about it. He can keep the egagement ring and give it to his son that can do no wrong. This kid won't listen for sh!t. And he better hope that when his son grows up that he never wants to have life of his own or else he's going to be a pretty lonely guy.
And no this not an isolated incident.
I would NOT appologize
I would NOT appologize either! I would have done the same thing as you! If he is like this already (BF) imagine what your future would be like! WOW! You are right on this! Let BF do ALOT of ASS kissing!!!
and just to add a very good
and just to add a very good bit of information is on the "Smart Stepfamily" website. It's a Christian based organization but it was some very solid and wise advice. I'm includeing and article on "The Parental Unity Rule" that sets some guidelines that will help in situations like the ones you just experienced.
http://www.smartstepfamilies.com/view/523
hope it helps.
Nope you're not wrong. I
Nope you're not wrong.
I don't know how you managed not to pop him on the ass HARD.
I can't believe the number of kids here actually hit, kick, bite, spit on... their SMs. For the most part I'm against SPs spanking their SKs, but that goes out the window when SKs think it's ok to attack their SPs.
I wanted to flick his little
I wanted to flick his little ear but his mother would freak out which is drama nobody on this planet wants.
I'm just so pissed right now. That kid is so violent it's crazy. His father plays way to rough with him and there was no reason for him to bite me. It's not like we were wrestling. Not that it would make it okay. I can't believe his fathers reaction of, "I let him bite me like that all the time." Well it all makes since now why he bit me. You've taught him to that biting is okay. Are you freaking kidding me.
Why? Why would you worry
Why? Why would you worry about BM's drama. Don't play with the boy don't interact with him until his father decides to get him under control.
And no don't apologize. Just because his father lets him treat him crappy doesn't mean you have to let him. What does he think this kid is going to be like at 15?
The guy sounds like a shit, I
The guy sounds like a shit, I would not give him back the engagement ring, I would take it to a pawn shop, put the money down on first months rent, of a new apartment, phone him when you get there, and ask him if he feels like your overreacting. Talk to him from a position of power, not one where he ignores you, wake him up, by your actions, not your voice.
Men don't listen to words, only actions, just like children, dogs and horses
Ripley likely hit the nail on
Ripley likely hit the nail on the head with: "He felt ashamed of his son and himself so instead of owning that and being a man he put up a defensive wall and minimized the situation.. and on top of it, gave you no empathy or concern".
That's the crux of it. This child is not teething. He is 5 friggen YEARS OLD! And biting!! If that was my kid, I'd be f*cking embarrassed. So rather than act appropriately embarrassed. "OMG, my kid bit you", he irrationally says: "its your fault, you were roughhousing".
RED FLAG, RED FLAG.
Disney Guilty Father who can't parent his kid.
For example, sometimes when I would point out to my DH that SD was rude, he would deny it. He would deflect it. Because pointing out a flaw in his child, in his mind, is pointing out a flaw in HIM. If you disengage, its easier.
Gosh, I feel sorry for you.
Oooh Emmmm Geeee! "He felt
Oooh Emmmm Geeee!
"He felt ashamed of his son and himself so instead of owning that and being a man he put up a defensive wall, and minimized the situation..."
GAWD THIS IS MY DH TO A TEE!
I think you WAY over reacted.
I think you WAY over reacted.
So completely right Ripley!
So completely right Ripley! Spot on!!! You were NOT overreacting!!!
SMs will always be more in
SMs will always be more in the wrong than in the right. Hopefully his blinders will come off and you can resolve.
The bite was bad your
The bite was bad your fiance's reacton even worse. Ripley is right.
SO has given you a window
SO has given you a window into what your future would look like. Don't pull the blinds. Better to know now, than figure it out later. Abuse, under no circumstances, should ever be tolerated from any child step or bio. Discipline should be swift and memorable. I've seen the results of permissive fathers who allow their children to mistreat their mother. It becomes a VERY serious issue when they become older and harder to physically defend yourself from. I have a friend who's son who use to scream vulgar obscenities at her and hit her. He was 10.
Personally, you should be
Personally, you should be proud of yourself for putting your foot down! Way to go!
You didn't react
You didn't react inappropriatly in anyway. This kid needs dicipline. The story you just told could have come from my own mouth 5 years ago. It's like your about to marry my DH and raise my SS aka DEVIL.
Read my more recent blogs for a clear picture of what you will be in for in about 5 years before you ever even consider marrying this man. You were right to put your foot down early. I wish I had. Now I find myself with a husband who is moving out of our home as I type this so that he can live with SS and I can raise our DS alone - without fears that SS will kill him and in all likely hood DH will immediatly launch into his explaniation as to why it's my fault not SS's.
Wow - you are one strong
Wow - you are one strong female. You rock! Don't let anyone hurt you physically ever. Yeah, I totally get why you threw the ring. I think you are better off w/o them. One swin said he'd have BM pitbull rip my face off, flatten my new car tires, punt my daughter's chihauhau like a football...threats and abuse never stop. WHY? Because DH allows it -- "He felt ashamed of his son and himself so instead of owning that and being a man he put up a defensive wall, and minimized the situation..."