husband's ex and child's doctor's appointments
Does anyone else deal badly with your husband having to go to his child's appointments with his ex? They never used to go together, but they have had to since a custody battle ensued to show their devotion to the child. His ex is beginning to use this time to talk to him about court and to try to patch things up in terms of getting along. She is very manipulative and has tried to flirt with him in the past until he put up bondaries(i.e. not coming in to their house for drop offs and pick ups because she would do things like invite him in to the bedroom, etc.).
I feel fine when they go together and they just talk directly about why they are there, but the fact that she pushes the boundaries to use that time to address other issues bothers me. The fact that my husband accepts it bothers me also. It feels like a betrayl of our boundaries. She has always tried to rebel against our limits and boundaries and this feels like another avenue.
He also came home today pretty much skipping in the door, super happy that they are building something together that he sees himself enjoying for the long term.
I told him I felt like it has been very hard for me to begin growing trust in this awful situation of having his ex ever-present for our whole lives, and that when he allows her to go beyond the subect of why they are there n that waiting room, that it is a push to stretch the relationship and the boundaries of that meeting. It isn't a visit for them to talk-thats why we ave lawyers and arranged meetings. Rather, it is just for the child's immediate issues.
My husband doesn't understand, and argues. He says this is how it has to be.
Any advice?
Just for check ups and
Just for check ups and what-not? No way. Whoever has the kid at the time of the appt is the one that takes him. Now, when he broke his collar bone, or had to have surgery, we all went. Some things you just want to hear first hand, ya know?? Being present for a routine check up does not make you a better parent.
This is what I want; -To not
This is what I want;
-To not have to attend appointments together, but to instead keep the other parent in the loop about what went on there and to share medical decisions
-For times that he wants to attend appointments, for him to keep the issues at hand on the issues at hand. A simple ‘let’s maybe just keep on focus on why we are here’. Reinforcing that he can keep it to the journal as he has told her a million times, and then putting his focus back on to his child, or leaving if the appointment is over.
normal??
That is how must agreements are ..
Most judges and court orders I have ever heard of talk of keeping the other parent informed if there is a medical issue or emergency. I have never heard of one that forced the parents to go to the appointment together.
Unfortunately I think your problem is not just BM and what she is doing at these appointments it is that you are the only one that has the problem with it. Your DH is the one that has to put a stop to it and it doesn't sound like he is willing to do that. He stated that it is how he thinks it has to be. You alone can't change anything in this situation your DH has to.
I feel for you as my husband's whackadoodle ex tried all kinds of things like this. BUT the difference was most of it he put a stop to it. I am not saying we didn't have issues as we did but most things he put a stop to.
You need to get through to your DH and get him on board with what is going on here. He also needs to understand he is in a relationship with you not BM and if he comes home skipping again about their good vibe day your heading for the door. He needs to work on his relationship with you NOT BM. He already tried that and it failed it's called divorce!! He needs to get his priorities straight!!
If he seriously thinks he
If he seriously thinks he needs to tag along to every appointment, then you might as well go, too. I'm pretty sure that will fix the focus.
My situation is kind of
My situation is kind of similar in some ways. The Boy's BM had never even met the child's new doctor. When my boyfriend basically took over the constant care of the child when she got herself evicted, he changed the child's doctor. Why? His former doctor insisted on a very costly referral to a pediatric urologist because he couldn't locate the child's testicles. Testicles the urologist had absolutely no problem finding them and basically said it was a wasted trip.
Recently it was time for his 2.5 year checkup. BM insisted on going. Afterwards the three of them got dinner. I was less than pleased. I got off work starving because my lunch consisted of a bag of popcorn since I forgot my lunch on the counter that morning. I was planning on fixing a nice meal and get the text saying they were going to get a bite to eat. He came home all smiles saying it was a surprisingly pleasant afternoon. I ate a cheese sandwich for dinner.
I don't really mind the BM going to the doctor visits that are routine IF that is all it is about. Like you, it seems strange to let it venture to other things. Oh, and the BM is always trying to talk about how she is going to get the child support reduced and wants to go back to mediation (which is funny when she couldn't be bothered to show up for the FIRST mediation) and what she wants to have happen there. She gets mad when my boyfriend points out that this is inappropriate talk to have around the child and refuses to answer other than to point out that not paying child support is going to look very badly for her in mediation (she has been ordered to pay a monthly amount including a back amount for the year she was unable to even house the child and has yet to pay a cent of it 3 months later).
I think part of my issue is that for the past year and a half, I have been there for the child more than she has. She is still obsessed with the idea that he has some form of autism because he got his vaccinations despite all the evidence debunking the connection, not to mention the fact that the child is very open with his emotions, has appropriate emotional responses, very social, very vocal, and extremely engaging. There is nothing about this kid that says autistic, but every time he jumps at a loud, unexpected noise, she starts screaming the word. I took the kid to so many doctor appointments because my work schedule allows for it, both routine and illness related. Now, I'm basically "the failsafe backup" which is kind of a kick in the face.
Story of my life!!! SS was
Story of my life!!! SS was born w a bad kidney and so he has an appointment about every 2 to 3 months. Plus he gets sick at the drop of a hat so they end up going to the dr at least once a month. This infuriated me forever! It was even worse because the specialist they see is about and hour away and BM doesn't drive so she use to ask DH for rides all the time. It was TERRIBLE and I hated it. Luckily for me they didn't really talk about anything other than SS and they never went to dinner or anything like that (I would have a heart attack I'm sure!) But it bothered me that he went out of his way to give her a ride. I couldn't get him to understand why it bothered me so much but I finally just said enough is enough. She has always been so awful to me and I didn't understand why he would go out of his way to make life easier for someone who has been so vile to both of us. Especially when it upset me so much. He kept playing the it's for SS card and I called his bluff. I said SS didn't care if DH took him to the dr or not, the only person benefitting was BM because her cheap ass didn't have to pay a cab. I said something has to give and if he was gonna fight with someone it better be her. He got the picture.
About all the
About all the appointments...
the BM is a total hypochondriach(thinks she is sick, scared of germs, etc) and has taken this recently-turned 3 year old to the docs almost 30 times. This doesn't include after hours clinics or hospital visits. It's one of the reasons why we wont allow her to have full custody-she needs assistance making medical decisions. The child has legitimately been seen recently though, and is having her tonsils and adnoids out. This will mean more visits. The mom is also scared and is making it sound like major surgery, so she will be wanting to talk a lot more to my husband, unfortunately for me
My husband and I spoke and we agree that he will request at their upcoming case conference for a settlement that both parents need not attend non urgent appointments. She may not agree, and it is within her rights to go, but in this case, my partner welcomes me to come to all of them as well. He also says he apologizes for allowing conversation to go beyond why they went there. He says because it is content him and I address the BM with in the journal whh goes between homes, that he figured it was okay to discuss it in person as well. My issue is that yes, I do agree it is okay to discuss it, but not if it is spontaneous. THe reasoning is that this woman is always pushing boudnaries. If she gets him alone for 2 minutes she tries to talk about her feelings and all this other crap. He agreed to tell her that he wishes to only focus on the reason why he is there. It was a good talk. He reminded me that a major reason we are taking her to court is to set boundaries locking her out of our lives. He also decided to book an hour before he meets with her lawyer and his tomorrow so that I can make sure his lawyer knows what we are comfortable with as a couple so that boundaries may be set in the best interest of our family as a group. He wants his lawyer to take my lead. This makes me feel very safe about not going in to that meeting with him.
To Storybookgirl.. I would cry my eyes out if they went for dinner. I think I would probably lose my mind with anger. That is quite careless with your trust. I hope he never makes a mistake like that again(seriously smetimes guys are that clueless and they think they are doing nothign wrong. Make it clear, and maybe he will think twice. SOme guys are naiive and dont really know when an ex is pushing boundaries. In fact some guys dont know what boundaries are at all).
I hope and pray I will be able to live with having my husband's ex in my life forever. I see an endless trail of intrusions, and dealing with their potential emotional encounters. They are bound by a child. NO one else loves that kid like they do. They will always struggle together with her and be there for her joyous moments. I dont knwo how I will ever survive this. Keeping her away from us is one way. But that's impossible. I guess I can always hope one day we move far far away and never come back.
I am in a simuliar situation,
I am in a simuliar situation, my sd was diagnosed with lymphoma in dec 2019. I unsderstand that there are some appointments that both must attend too, but i make sure to attend as much as possible in support of my husband and sd. I made mention to him that they must not travel together, the bm seems slimey and i dont trust her. But it really sucks, i feel like its always something wrong with his kids. I would never tolerate dinners or lunch outings, they are there for one thing and its the childs health not a meet and greet.