I do think there are those rare occasions when some ex's CAN be just friends and this is ok, so long as it doesnt reasonably negatively impact on any exhisting relationships.

I would like to ask why you didnt know about these conversations with his ex? Why did he hide it? This would make me suspicious and I would be LIVID that he was sort of colluding with an ex while you remained ignorant of this, AND the ex knew this. Not appropriate to make your wife out to be a fool Vs an ex wife. No one actually genuinely hides something unless they know its wrong. Then on top of this he does it when you arent around - well again this emphasises that he has to sneak behind your back and HIDE this. This is done because its likely he knows you wont be impressed and or they are discussing inappriopriate things.

Personally I would want to know what was being discussed, my trust would be at zero because this hints towards possibly emotionally adultery. The friends excuse doesnt wash. If she was just a "friend" then he wouldnt hide this from you and for FIVE years?!! :jawdrop: What else has he lied/hid from you? Makes you wonder.

As for the hypocrisy of your DH being jealous of your male friends. I would tell DH to zip it and infact make a point of contacting some male friends. Often the one who is untrue is the most insecure and jealous - making accusations. They like to turn things round in order to cover up their own infidelities. Not saying your DH is having an affair but tbh I would be mulling the possibilities over!

Give him an ultimatum. Go to marriage counseling. Maybe the counselor will get him to see the error of his ways because he isn't listening to YOU!

WOW. I would be steaming mad. No reason he should be in contact with his ex wife especially with no kids involved!!!!!!!!

I am personally not a jealous person BUT if it's okay for him to talk to his XW, why is it not alright for you to talk to male friends?? Double standard anyone?

The fact that he kept the fact that he's been talking to her behind your back is NOT okay though...that would make me wonder what else he was keeping from me.

LOVE LOVE LOVE Echo's suggestion of pretending to talk to a guy you used to sleep with...brilliant!

Well I have a confession!!!

I had been married before, it only lasted a year ..we married because we were friends, and every woman THINKS she wants a man to do everything for her! Well this was my first husband for a while it was nice he always washed my car, ran my bath, cut the yard, let me stop working (neither of us had kids)....he even did the laundry.

But after a while I wanted a MANLY man! stop doing all that stuff ...sad to say I RUINED it! I talked so bad to him...that was another thing he was sensitive too! My aunt later told me that once you crush a mans's self esteem there is nothing left but a shell and you dont want that. We got divorced

Now I have a manly man that wont cut grass to save his life! wont wash my car that good anyway, and wont dare do laundry unless Im on strike! ANd he will tell me in a minute when I get all crazy to sit my ass down and cool off! I guess I like that secretly...i dont like no wimpy man But he does his a good job at taking care of me and our two kids ...he is at 90% now and needs to come on up with that 10%

But anyway when I felt he was talkin to BM to much, even after tellin him how this makes me feel, his only excuse is we have kids togethr! YUCK ok but what does that have to do with her going to the gym or losing weight, or going on a cruise this stuff is not KID RELATED!!!!!! so I secretly called him just to be spiteful in my own little secret way, if he can talk to his ex I can too!

Turns out my ex was just that a good friend and just have stayed a good friend instead of becomin my husband...either way thats where it started I have never seen him since the divorce, and we only talk maybe once a month but we have never seen each other. and the calls may last 20 minutes or less. We just talk about whats going on with each other and our jobs or even our spouses. Thats it ....what started as a get even thing for me....started up a friendship again ...but I will not tell DH he will go through the roof....and his first thing would be yall DONT HAVE KIDS sio why do you have to talk to him......hell you get kids with your ex but why does she have to talk to you about her weight and her hair and her dr visits ??????

You say he just now confessed he's been doing this for 5 years. What made him come forward with it? Did you question him? Did he sit you down to have a discussion? Did he just casually mention it?

Not that the "why" part of it makes it any more appropriate. He was wrong & he knew he was wrong. As others mentioned, if he felt it was acceptable & respectable, he wouldn't have kept it behind your back.

She cheated on him & left him. That doesn't create a strong base for really good friends, regardless of a great sense of humor. Surely he can find a funny man-friend. My guess is that he's probably still carrying a flame for her that he should've let go out the door right behind her.

I realize some people are fine with opposite-sex friends. I'm not. I don't hang out with man-friends, & my DH doesn't hang out with lady-friends. The way I see it, there are plenty of women I can befriend. Why put myself in a situation that could potentially create disaster in my marriage? It raises eyebrows & causes rumors to stir, inviting questions, drama, & jealousy. People confide in their friends. It seems that often times feelings develop & turn into emotional affairs that tear marriages apart. Why even put oneself there?

I would check out this site www.marriagebuilders.com

Especially this link:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3550_summary.html

Pay close attention to Basic Concept #9

especially where is says:
Never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse

I went through this too with an ex boyfriend. He had to talk to his ex and go to lunch with her and such and then when he came home he would be bawling for hours. He didn't have kids with her either and I didn't understand the need for him to have her in his life because she cheated on him too, over and over. It made me feel like I was not good enough for him to come and talk to and the fact that your husband does it behind your back is rediculous! Needless to say it didn't work out between us and that was my breaking point. The day after she got remarried again was his breaking point and he was inconsolable and we split up. My sister told me that when she was younger that she would have boyfriends and she would cheat on them and she was always worried that they were cheating on her, when they weren't. Not saying your husband is cheating on you with her, but It is not fair for him to be able to talk to whomever he wants while you are isolated from anyone who is threatening to him. It is easier said then done to give advice though. If you love him and want it to work out, then you need to stand up for yourself and let him know that you don't appreciate it. If your marriage is meant to be, then it will endure this little bump in the road.

He needs to STOP talking to his EX-WIFE - if they don't have any children together, there is no reason to keep in touch.

He can get a NEW MALE FRIEND!

This is VERY disrespectful to you! I would NOT put up with it!

On top of it all, he has been sneaking behind your back for 5 years to do this? BAD BOY!!!

Has he been talking to her about you? Even worse - if he has been!

Test the water...If u want to get down to it and u can be an adult about it have a cookout...make sure he invites her and if he says no then invite her anyway. Make sure u have friends that has eyes on her at all times and him b/c if there is anything going on the smallest thing will give them away. but if he shows you off to her and his friends then maybe he was being a dumbass...And then again maybe the ex-wife told him to tell u about them talking b/c she really wants to be friends. I've been in the ex-wife's shoes before a lot of times exs can't be just friends bc of current loves wont put up with it

I'm one who does not believe that men and women can be just "friends" once they've had an intimate relationship together. It is extremely easy for lines to be crossed or for old feelings to surface. I especially don't like the fact that he chose to hide this from you for 5 years. You guys truly need to communicate about this and you need to make you feelings known.

Utter bullshit. I ended up with a second SS ten years later because of this.

I do believe men and women CAN be just friends but it's under rare circumstances.. like if the guy is gay? Just kidding! But my FDH was friends with another woman for years but their lives went two different ways so they don't talk too much anymore. I never had a problem with them two hanging out or talking.. mostly because I was her friend before I started dating him (and they were friends way before either of them knew me.) Nothing ever happened between them sexually and they weren't attracted to one another. Like I said it's a rare circumstance. It was a mutual thing because we both were friends with her and hung out with a group of people.

Onto me though - I'm 30 now and continued to talk to an ex from when I was 20. Let me strengthen the word "I". "I" had no romantic or sexual feelings for this man anymore BUT he did for me. On my end we were friends. But whenever my ex broke up with a girlfriend, his thoughts went back to me and he would wonder if things could work out between us. I guess it is wrong for me to continue to talk to him because it's harder for him to get over me even though it's been how many years. Seriously, I used to talk to him a few times a week. He lives about 3 states away from me so we never saw one another. But when I started seeing my FDH, FDH flipped out on me one day about talking to my ex. FDH can be a very jealous person. I'm not going to lie. I still talk to the ex maybe once every few months. I told him we can't talk much anymore and he was ok with that. He calls once in a while but I ignore the calls. I flipped the situation around and saw it from my FDH's point of view and understood how I wouldn't like it if he was talking so much to an ex.

However, FDH talks to his ex who he has kids with and hides it too which is bullshit. He hides it so I won't flip out. Uh, don't do it and I won't flip out?! I wish he could flip the situation around like I did and see how it bothers me. But instead he hides it. Ass.

I think the issue is not that he talked to his ex but that he hid it from you. I was previously married for 17 years to a wonderful man but we grew apart after we had a series of miscarriages and discovered we could not have children. I still have love for my ex-husband and we talked/texted every holiday, birthday and sent small but meaningful gifts. Nothing was ever hidden from FH and he was delighted that we were able, after the initial pain of the separation, to remain friends. He was envious that he was not able to have such a relationship with his ex with whom he does have children and we deal with constantly.

My ex-husband died suddenly and unexpectedly on Thanksgiving this year. We had been texting just hours before he died and I will be forever grateful for that. I have been utterly grief-stricken at his loss and not a day has passed that I have not cried for his memory. I am the executor of his estate and have been very busy concluding his affairs as I am the one who best knows what he would have wanted.

FH has been amazing. He held me when I cried, talked to me about memories of him, and has been incredibly supportive. He had only one moment of jealousy that we discussed and then put aside. He is strong enough to understand that there are all kinds of love and that I am totally faithful to him. This is only one of the reasons that I love him so much!

Please think about this before telling your husband that he can no longer speak to his ex. I really like the idea of inviting her over. If he knows that you are fine with them having a friendship, then he will not need to hide it. It is secrets that destroy a relationship - not having feelings for other people.