Hey folks,

It has been a while since I posted, but I have been Disengaged and Loving It. My stress level has gone way down since I disconnected, so I have not really felt the need to vent for a while. Well, that, and my miraculous run of 160 consecutive days in the summer when I did not have to see SD17! However, something happened last week that I wanted to share.

For those who have followed my postings, you might remember that my SD17 is in the high school band. She is not in band because she has a passion for music, but rather so she can go on the big Thanksgiving Band trip to NYC. Per the rules of the band director, only kids who have been in the band for 3 years are allowed to go, so SD17 has been sleepwalking through band for the last several years. She never practices her instrument, won't do any of the fundraising activities, and generally just screws around in class. However, she has at least met the "warm-body" requirements for the trip, i.e. she has showed up for the required concerts, rehearsals, etc., so she is on pace to go on the Thanksgiving trip.

I'm sure that many of you have experiences with these kinds of school trips. They are **very** expensive. Just the basic cost of the trip is $1500.00, and that's not even counting spending money or most meals. My DW has been dutifully saving her pennies to pay for this trip, and my father also chipped in a huge amount. As I mentioned, SD17 had the opportunity to participate in fundraisers to help cover a portion of the trip cost, but was too lazy to do so (she even went so far as to hide informational flyers for the fundraisers from DW, so DW would not ask her to do any work). Of course, SD17's "perfect" bio-daddy is not paying one red cent of the cost.

Anyway, the band traveled to a road game to play last Friday. Unbeknownst to DW, SD had failed to put her instrument in her locker at school, just leaving it out in the middle of the band room. When SD tried to find it, the instrument was gone. SD didn't say anything, and just hoped that no one would notice that she didn't have the instrument at the game (because SD is such a bad player, she does not actually pay her instrument at the game - she is just a gopher for the other kids, but she is still required to have her instrument with her). Of course, during the game, DW did not realize that SD did not have the instrument.

Once the game was over, we drove back to the school to pick up SD17, since the band rides back to the school together. DW and I were waiting in the car when SD tapped on the glass, and said told DW to come back to the band room. Of course, there was no thought of including me, but that was just fine. I was perfectly happy to sit in the car by myself, if I didn't have to deal with SD17. After about 30 minutes, SD and DW return, and DW is **pissed**.

I wisely didn't say anything in the car, but once we were home, and in the privacy of our bedroom, DW told me what happened. She said that SD did not have her instrument at the game, and that the band director was really pissed about it. She also reported that the band director accused SD17 of returning to the bleachers 15 minutes late, and then lying about being there (the band is allowed to get snacks during the 3rd quarter, but must return to play the 4th quarter). The band director was very upset with SD, and said that he might not let her go to NYC since she is so irresponsible. Before anything could be definitively settled, DW made an excuse to leave, so it was not clear what would happen about the trip.

Also, it turned out that the band director had seen SD17's instrument when he saw it sitting out in the band room, and was basically "hiding" it to see what SD17 would do - would she fess up, try to get away with it, etc. DW was pissed about this, because she felt that the band director was "setting up" SD17. DW also took SD17's word about not being late getting back to the bleachers, and thought that the band director was just making it up.

After DW shared all of this with me, I could tell that she wanted me to get involved. I'm sure that she felt I should have talked to the band director to calm him down, and ensure that SD will be able to go on the trip. DW does not handle conflict very well, in case you couldn't tell by her hands-off "friend" parenting, so I knew that she would not be able to effectively speak with the band director in a follow-up conversation.

I was mildly amused by this, to say the least. DW is fine with withholding parental authority from me, and does whatever she wants to do with SD17 without even thinking to consult me, but when things get tough, then she wants me involved? I don't think so! I told her that this would be a great time for SD17's "perfect" bio-daddy to help, and left it at that. If she had pressed me, I would have told her that I agreed with the band director: SD17 is lazy, has not business being in the band, and is definitely too irresonsible to be going on a big trip.

I found that it was actually hard to step back, because I am so used to helping DW when SD17 screws up, but I had to be strong in my committment to stay disengaged. If I had gotten involved, I would have just helped SD17 out of another jam, enabling her to continue acting irresponsibly. If I am not good enough to offer my input in SD17's upbringning, then I am surely not good enough to help solve her problems. Maybe by dealing with this herself, DW will see that I had some good points back in the day when I was trying to give input. For me, though, I just have to keep repeating the battle cry:

NOT MY KID, NOT MY PROBLEM!!!!!