New here.......it wasn't supposed to be this hard
Hi, I'm new to this and I dont know what all the BM's and BS' are etc. I'm really just having a vent. I have 2 step sons, the eldest I get on with great, the youngest is almost 7 and I find him hard to deal with, not so much him, just how my hubby deals with his behaviour. I have been in my ss' life since he was 2, we had a great relationship when he was young, it has just become a struggle since I had my own children. His Mum is a good mum, not a great lady, but a great mum, she wants the very best for him and I cant fault her parenting. He visits our house every other weekend, and to be honest I have started dreading it, not because he is a really bad kid or rude to me or anything like that, he is a typical boisterous boy and has recently been diagnosed with ADD, he does have a spiteful streak, but I think most kids do. However he gets away with so much more than what our biological kids do, I give my kids time out etc if they are misbehaving, but my SS gets nothing and I'm not allowed to administer anyting because he says he doesn't want to visit anymore when I do. Now just as an example this weekend he has drawn on the blinds with marker pen, hubby just says our little 2 year old draws on walls all the time.....well yes she has once or twice....but first of all she is only 2 not 7, and second of all she had to help me clean it up as a consequence. What happens when SS does it?....nothing, who has to try and get it off?.....me! This one may seem petty but I tidied his room last week, and in 1 day you cant see his floor anymore....and who does hubby think should tidy it?......you guessed it...me! Now my ss knows right from wrong and I feel like there should be consequence if he chooses to do the wrong thing, I also think he should tidy his own room. If I try and talk to hubby he thinks I'm attacking his son, and I kind of feel like I am, but unintentionally, I'm just trying to get my husband to stand up and take some responsibilty....but I just get told he's just having fun! Well where I come from fun does not have to be naughty (although I'm well aware that naughty is fun and I do not claim to have been a perfect child, but there were certainly consequences to my actions!)!! I'm trying so hard to teach my kids right from wrong, but having my SS around makes it so very hard. Hubby and I's parenting techniques are so different, in that I do all the parenting, he is just the fun dad, which I really dont mind, and he obviously wears rose tinted glasses, as I do with my own, my issue stems from being unable to parent the SS in fear that he wont want to visit anymore....what a pickle?!
Your step son sounds like my
Your step son sounds like my biological daughter, who is 7 right now and she is handful as well. I do have my daughter clean her room and tidy up her room, but when I want it really clean I'll do it myself from top to bottom while she's at Grandma's. What has made her more easier to manage is each time I clean it I remove items that aren't really toys she plays with, but just winds up on the floor anyways to get at the other stuff. You could not ever clean it and see how your husband likes that and your SS and hold out on doing it for awhile and see how your husband likes it when he has to go in there when he has to go to bed and has to make a path to get there or you could clean it and remove items that you don't think he really plays with and put them in a bag and hide them in a closet or garage, incase he really, really wants something that's missing. I do this as well with stuffed animals, I leave some in there and bag the rest. The less stuff that is in there the less that needs to be cleaned up. Drawing on the blinds, my daughter has actually cut hers, and I just left them for awhile, as well as the curtain she cut. It seems the terrible two's lasts longer than we thought. It does make it harder when your husband won't back you up, and he probably does that out of guilt of not being with his BM like the boy would probably want. He has less time with him than your own kids so he doesn't want to make it a battle. My step kids 16, 15 & 13 live with us full time due to Mom died and my husband is less strict with the 16 year old daughter than I think he should be. But then I'm a little less strict with our 7 year old daughter. We still have disagreements of how each do things, but I am trying less to give a hoot what the 16 yr SD does, because since its apparent that I do not have the final say then I will not go out of my way to please her and give her things just because I want to. She doesn't appreciate what I have done for her, so I'm lessening what I will do now. A year and half she can move out and I am so looking forward to it.
I have similar issues. No
I have similar issues. No advice, but just so you know, you are not alone. DH won't disclipline SS8 when he misbehaves, and now that I have, SS8 hates me, and DH is considering leaving me. I had to find out via text messages on his phone. I understand why SS8 is acting out, but I still think he needs some sort of punishment. SD6 and SS4 get punished by me when they act up during the day when dad is at work. but SS8 just makes my life more of a hell. When I was a kid if I reated anyone the way SS8 does my butt would have been beat with a belt. I only put him in a 5-10 minute timeout in the corner. It's not like I do anything horrible to him. I guess sometimes, we sm's have to just sit back and watch these children's lives go to hell, and hope that maybe someday before it is too late, dad will step up or ask for help. But until then, I am at a loss as to what to do.
Well, I would have to say you
Well, I would have to say you have it much harder than I do with having 3 young ones to deal with. Unbelievable he is threatening to leave you, and if he does he would be taking the kids with him I hope. But anyways, does he seriously think there can be no consequences for their actions, does he know how they will turn out when their teenagers if he thinks she be allowed to do as they please. I don't know your complete situation, but are you in a place where if you broke up that you would have no where to go and so he has power that way with you? Really, I can not believe this dude. How about when he is home, that he is on the clock and you punch out, do nothing if he won't do anything. He can feed them, watch over them and put them to bed. Don't let him call the shots like he's letting his kids do to you.
•sm = stepmother •sd =
•sm = stepmother
•sd = stepdad
•bm = biological mother
•bf = usually biological father but every now and then some use for boyfriend
•sd = step daughter
•ss = step son
•bs = biological son
•bd = biological daughter
•dw = darling wife
•dh = darling husband
•dd = darling daughter
•ds = darling son
•poa = power of attorney
•cs = child support
•mil = mother-in-law
•fil = father-in-law
•pas = Parental Alienation Syndrome
Thank you
Thank you
Thanks everybody, it is so
Thanks everybody, it is so hard to know what to do. I have gone through his room and removed the rubbish....great tip thank you, will make my life a lot easier. I cant believe your DH is thinking about leaving you wonderland 0819, I can see the torment it causes my DH when he thinks I'm attacking his son (I never get cross at SS, just at DH's lack of parenting), but I really hope he would not consider leaving me, it might seem rude but is there any counselling you could go to, your DH should support you. It is a sad day if you have to break up over children, all kids are difficult at times biological or not, I often need to remind myself what SS has to go through, its not ideal for him.
My DH did finally make SS clean his room as a consequence of drawing on the blinds and SS did it happily, I hope DH now realises that punishing the kids is not so bad after all, they will still love you, sometimes I think he is afraid the kids wont like him if he is anything but fun dad. I dont want my biological kids seeing SS being treated differently, (they are not treated differently by DH as he doesn't parent any of the kids), I think its unfair, but seems to be the situation as it is at the moment. My kids are not perfect but most of the naughty things happen on the weekend SS is here, I'm all for kids running around having fun and just being kids, but a big believer they need to learn consequence and boundaries early.
I hope we all have the strength to weather our situation, as women we certainly have a lot thrown at us and are expected to hold our head up high and carry on regardless.