How do I handle EX Spouse who tells kids...
I am truly frustrated and need advice. My ex has consistently paid his lawful portion of child support, although very reluctantly. Now the kids are teens and he tells them that since he pays, your mother should be getting you everything you want/need. So the kids tell me "Dad says he pays you and we should get xyz" and of course, they're girls and teens and want brand name x and brand name y. They have no clue and when I try to explain, I don't think it helps. They continue to feel like I am ripping them off by not buying them everything they want or need. I am already stressed about upcoming college costs and the fact that he has said he won't help out for that makes me very mad. I don't know how to handle this and sure could use a bit of wisdom. Their dad is very cheap and unfortunately, I make much less than I use to due to the economy and a change in jobs. Any advice for me?
I just don't think he should
I just don't think he should exasperate the situation by giving them the impression I should being paying for brand x and y. He shouldn't feed into it but he does. They are good girls, yes spoiled, but with good grades, good friends, no drugs or alcohol, church-going, etc... I try my best and it's hard in this materialistic world. And for years, while we were separated, he didn't pay a dime. Only when it was court mandated. He had a gambling addiction with close to $300,000 in debt that I was unaware of until it all came crashing down on him. I found out about it all through snooping on his computer. Many lies for many years. Luckily I had a decent job at the time and I bought him out of the house and separated myself financially from him. He ultimately went bankrupt, etc... But I am not at fault for his situation -- I just wish he wouldn't insinuate that I should be getting them everything. Cheap son of a gun.
It seems that the girls have
It seems that the girls have a lack of perspective on the household accounting issues. It could save you a lot of grief if you were to itemize the household finances in a consolidated way and sit down with your girls and go through each line item to show them exactly how much it already costs to house them and that it doesn't make sense to purchase xyz items. Things could be a lot worse than that, I've read a lot of horror stories on here of husbands breaking into houses, setting fires, kidnapping, and people having to ironically spend their child support on home security systems!
It gets better, don't worry - the truth always rises to the top, it just takes time!
Lawfully I know that many
Lawfully I know that many NCPs get sc#$%$#ed by the courts, which probably means he is paying a decent share of his income. It amazes me that him telling the kids that he pays CS, therefore, whatever they need they should ask you is offensive. I guess the other option would be to just buy them things and act as if he doesn't pay you, which although a lie, would make him look bad instead of you? With that said, so if your income has decreased, you need to teach your children that there is less money in the house because YOUR income decreased and therefore, you cannot get them everything they need. If it's wants, then you also need to teach them that they don't deserve everything either. Heck, I am not divorced and MANY kids of NCPs and their second wives quickly learn about money since many of OUR kids have to do without so that the skids get their "wants" met. Not sure how it is so insensitive to teach kids that money buys things and that there is only enough money to buy needs in a month vs. wants. I think that would make them feel less entitled and be less spoiled in the long run, which honestly, is what we should strive for. Heck, my dad made good money and when we wanted a 20UDS t-shirt 30yrs ago, and we would state that ALL our friends had one and even they had less money, his constant response was "so what? just because they have it doesn't mean you need it or deserve it..."
As far as college, once kids are over 18, it is no longer the responsibility of their parents to support them. By the way, at 18, kids are ADULTs, not kids. That means that any parent's support is a gift and thus not required. It would do much good to teach your daughters that they need to start saving up for college, get a part-time job, go to a college they can afford or a junior college, get good grades and possibly some scholarships, etc. instead of making them feel like "daddy must pay because they are precious and daddy can afford it...or possibly, he can't but he still should."
If they are teens, you could always do something that will help them greatly in their future...how about figuring out the household budget, sitting down with them and explaining to them how much they actually COST, ie. what % of the mortgage is their cost, etc...figure out how much CS is received for each one and have them PAY you from that CS money instead? There shouldn't be anything left over it seems, so that would teach them a lesson...now if there IS some left over, it technically should be for their benefit. If there isn't anything left over, they might actually see that the money is not enough and that you are doing your fair share of paying for them as well. Now that's something that will greatly benefit them instead.
I bet you if he didn't pay CS
I bet you if he didn't pay CS and the kids asked her for stuff, nobody here would see a problem with telling the skids "sorry, we can't do that because I support you and your dad doesn't pay cs...so stop asking...go ask your deadbeat dad..." Nope. No problem with that. Heck, even the states like to let kids know that their fathers are deadbeat when they don't pay CS, so the states nor the CPs have any problem with kids knowing about CS when it's NOT paid...they just have a problem when the one paying tells the kids, "get off my back, I pay CS and your needs should be met by that". Then it's not the kid's business...please...
I have a slightly diffrent
I have a slightly diffrent opinion, mabey dad said that because the try to make him feel "guilty" everytime they go over there and ask for tons of stuff, so he got tired of it and said ask your mom. No granted he could have said something else, but it is a possability.
When my ss's come over befor they even tell thier father hello, they are asking to go here or go there and can he buy this or that. We are already trying to keep our heads above water. He already gave to Yall this month! What about our two little babies at home that go through a TON of diapers at almost $20 a pop and sometime we have to buy twice, Im glad we have them in a good daycare, but once the diaper is wet, they take it off right away which means more diapers!!! thats another thing we have to pay day care for kids under 2!!! THATS A GRIP! So NO, when you come over dont ask for nothing! While we are using the left over scraps to get by on!
We OWN our home not renting!! Plus you live in an apartment, rent is not that much! (not a put down, just stating that when people talk about utilities, and rent, we know exacly how much her rent is after cs pays that, what do they do with the other two full time incomes that they get???) plus bm work, her husband works, and she get dh cs which we now call it at our hous the vacation fund! Because they go to exotic places every year. they take cruises and go to disney world, and go to movies and other stuff ALL THE TIME
My SO has told SD's 14 & 16
My SO has told SD's 14 & 16 about CS before & with good reason. Neither comes to visit aside from twice each this year...he calls them regularly & goes to their games...he tries to be involved.
Their BM (Redneck) likes to get them really expensive stuff then complain (to the girls) about what my SO doesn't do for them. They are always asking their dad to buy them this, that or the other.
When I met SO, he gladly purchased anything that the girls wanted (even though he REALLY couldn't afford it)...I came along & well, CS is supposed to cover basic needs (unless they are needs that are being met at OUR house). They don't visit so they don't need anything in our home.
I could give MANY examples but you probably want to see how your girls are speaking to him...it sounds like they are guilting you & they are probably doing the same to him. I agree with the others that they need to learn that they don't get everything that they want. Welcome to life.
I would simply tell the
I would simply tell the girls-that fine, the cs is for their needs and you will make sure you spend ALL of it on their needs-then I would tally up a bill for them for their food, their portion of electric, water, rent, etc, etc-and Make sure I hand them a bill with them owing YOU.
Kids dont get it-when their dad tells them cs is for them-they are thinking of what they want-the clothes, the electronics, whatever-they are not thinking of the food, the utilities, the school fees-because those arent things they actually want. Sometimes a visual aid helps.
You all have given me much to
You all have given me much to think about and I will. Yes, I think they are spoiled. Yes, they get good grades and are will end up getting accepted at great colleges. Yes, my 17 year old has a part-time job and just finished interviewing for a selective scholarship. Yes, my ex-husband is cheap. Yes, he had a gambling addiction which puts us into close to $300,000 debt without my knowledge and thus broke the trust that I couldn't get over. Yes, I paid for years without any support until the court ordered he pay child support. Yes, they need to learn that things in life cost money.... I have only recently started to talk to them about money as I lost my job in 2009 and it put a big strain on things until I could become reemployed.
He shouldn't say those things though and he does it cuz he's cheap, angry and resentful. But I didn't create the situation that lead to our divorce, he did. It's all very frustrating and I know I've helped to create the problem to a certain extent.
Thank you to everyone for responding.
My exH plays that game. My
My exH plays that game. My kids have wised up about dad claiming to be "broke" because he always is buying the next bigger better thing. They can see the comparisons in our lifestyles.
One thing I did do with the kids was talk about budgets. They don't understand fully "adult responsibilities" but they understand budget. They have a clothing allowance, to spend as they see fit. If they blow their wad on expensive name brand and get less amount then so be it!
They have learned some about bargains and budget and impulse buying.
I don't know the ages of your kids, but when they were younger we shopped with cash so they could physically see the money was gone. And now that they are older I let them hold and pay with the cash.